Chapter 12

Getting back to work as the Sheriff was great since it gave me something useful to spend my time doing, however, it gave me more time to reflect on Killian's past, and not our present. Thoughts began to creep in during the days about everything he had given up for me, and whether I truly deserved it. For that first week, thoughts just followed me like a dark cloud, only hovering over my head and being slightly irritating at most. However, as time went on, the thoughts began to get to me, keeping me awake at night, and making me feel like I had to push Killian away for his own safety.

Think about all the suffering Killian has gone through for you. He went to the Underworld because you sent him there, and you put him through the torture of being a Dark One, just for your own selfish desires. Do you really think he has just let that slide? And what about all the other times he died to save you. Do you think he was wholeheartedly happy about that? I can't imagine he enjoys being constantly pushed away by you, or what about the time that he sold his ship so he could go through the pain of finding you in New York. Do you really think he will love you after all of this?

The thoughts were like a stranger's whispers in my head, but I kept having to remind myself that it was my own mind coming up with these awful thoughts. It reminded me of what it was like being the Dark One; having horrible, dark ideas being constantly whispered in your ears, not leaving you alone until you did what they told you, driving you insane.

I came back to the loft after a week and a half of being back to work, and I was clearly being affected by the thoughts on my exterior too. There were dark circles hanging under my dim eyes and my hair was dull and limp. I had hoped that I could just walk in and try to get a bit of sleep, but Killian was in there too, and definitely noticed that there was a problem.

"What is the matter, Swan?"

"Nothing, I'm just… really… tired." I didn't even convince myself with that pathetic attempt of a lie. Before I walked away, he caught me by the hand, his worried eyes burning into mine.

"Please, tell me anything." I supposed it would hurt him more if I lied to him again.

"I'm just worried that… you… after all the things that you've been through for me, whether I am really worth all of it."

"Of course you are, my love. I have spent centuries losing every single person I held dear, which has taught me to treasure the precious time I have with you. Being able to wake up in the morning with you by my side, after all we have been through, is more than enough for me. The thing about love is, that however much I give you, I will never need anything in return as long as you are there by my side. Every second spent in your company, Swan, is a gift to me, after believing that I would never see you again." I stuttered to find words to reply but he didn't need them, he just simply pulled me into a warm hug. Though his words should have been consoling, they just stung me even more, leaving one stand out thought in my head. I don't deserve this man.

…

Four days later

I woke up to an empty bed, a common event now, since Killian was an early riser. I walked downstairs, still bleary-eyed, to scare up some breakfast for the two of us. I was taken aback to see Killian walking around my parent's loft completely naked except for a towel wrapped around his waist, hair still wet from the shower. It wasn't just his rippling muscles that took my breath completely away as I looked at his back, or rather, what was on it.

"What is it, Swan? Like what you see?" He looked at me with a crooked grin and a raised eyebrow, but I couldn't bring myself to answer, my gaze fixed to his back. I walked up to him with shaking hands, still transfixed by what lay on his form. Pink lines of various sizes covered Killian's back and some of his chest, coupled with a few blisters and burn scars. He was covered in scars, all relatively fresh, and I guessed exactly where they had come from.

"Are… are they from…" I began with a wavering voice.

"Hades? Aye. No one ever said that the Underworld was a good holiday destination. Alas, you found me when I had managed to steal a bit of time being out of the dungeon he held me in." His voice was gruff and hardly more than a whisper as I traced my fingers along his spider web of scars.

This pushed me over the edge.

"All of this was for me," I said, tears springing from my eyes, "Every single scar is there because you went to the Underworld instead of me. You have died for me so many times, and been through so much suffering. You have lost so much of what you had to help me. Why? I don't deserve a bit of it. You are a good man, Killian. Far too good for me. I don't deserve you." Guilt was overcoming me, flooding though my body and I was drowning. My instinct to run away was screaming at me, the only thing keeping my feet in place was the hurt in his blue eyes.

"Emma, but I don't care about all of this. I love you!" he began to appeal to me but I cut him off.

"No. I don't want to hurt you anymore, Killian. You can take your love, and give it to someone who deserves it." I ran out of the loft, tears streaming down my face.

"Swan!" was the last thing I heard before slamming the door and running off to somewhere where I could just be by myself, without anyone bothering me; the harbor.

A/N

Oh the angst! Now I kinda understand why Adam and Eddie enjoy making life miserable for us lowly shippers. Don't forget to review and give me suggestions for other fanfics that I could write!

-Sophie