Chapter I:

Sepia Tone

It was one of those nights looking through the window screen; it was cold and lifeless as the the air around me formed against me as if it were a heavy undulated blanket. I'd call back the uniformed man who presses on my thoughts in my waking hours but he leaves within a crowd of millions faceless and unknown, unfamiliar to my own person. It leaves a dark mark on my own ability to communicate to the impossibly difficult individuals I seem to chase around on a daily basis. Pitiful, to be given the time of day to think but never done any of the sort to initiate any progress within my small circle of understanding. They come and they leave like a winter in small little Palmdale; cold enough to crack your lips but never to allow the cold sweetness of snow to kiss the valley.

Mother nature is a strange woman with a crooked nose and a voluptuous figure, she is. Wise in her ways but too concentrated on the Chinese concept of Wu Wei to allow such fun. While I, a plain glassy figurine, has to deal with a inferiority complex geared towards a pitiful older brother and a hunger for Asian men.

A serpentine light-hearted fantasizer I am, but not so. Human I am, but not so. Belittled I am, but...anyway I am not normal or am I in anyway a saint. I am called the sanest, though my thoughts are always caught in damnation, hellfire, and/or contradiction. And I wish I could tell them my attitude is nothing more than a convoluted scheme, though even I would admit that would be a false truth conjured up to supply reasoning from my contrasting inner workings.

No one can take both sides, though that is what I am afraid of. I can never choose without being in agony and I can never move on without regret.

Even though that is my own thoughts on choice, freedom is another matter I have to delve into with a brave mind set for it.

I am fearful of any mistake.

I am someone who cannot understand the wisdom my mother left with me.

There he is again.

He's on the move again. Sandwiching myself through the same crowd I ran after him. I see him hasten his pace. Again the same turn.

I cannot mistake that white hair for any other person. Stop running dammit.

The same dream everyday for the past five years.

"Stop running away!"

This time around he turned back to look. I see the pained expression on his face.

I don't understand why it always hurts to chase him every night.

This night he gets trapped in a dead end. "Stop being elusive! Now turn around!"

He grins at me with those red eyes. "I'm sorry sweet heart but not this time."

He always says that before the wall-

My nose wrinkled in annoyance as my alarm beeped.

Shifting on my bed sheets I threw over my legs and slammed my hand against the little machine.

Every morning I woke up early to do the chores and get some time in reading.

"One scoops, two scoops. My, my you're a hungry one little Clammy", I cooed as my cat ate away.

Though I still enjoy my cats while everything else was a routinely feeling; neither delight or dislike just a timely task.

Two years ago I received a guardian to look over me in the meantime until I grew old enough to take care of myself. He was the quiet type of person, the type of person my mom would have enjoyed. The mirth he had in his eyes when he looks at me was something I have come to enjoy.

I was his only child, though not related by blood, and the only one he actually had time to understand; the other child, he had never known about, only came into his knowledge when his wife passed away. She was unable to conceive anymore children after she remarried. Even if she could he was too afraid to reproduce anyone like his father into existence hence a life of spending away in each other's arms until she passed.

A clatter of dishes caught my attention. He returned home from Anaheim.

" So I've heard you're doing well in school", he rumbled as he made his daily energy drink.

"From who?", I inquired as I stirred my oatmeal.

"Hmm, I dropped by your school to see your counselor."

My spoon froze over the browned part of the oatmeal. "Is that so?"

"Yes, and I have made arrangements for you to join harder classes next year."

His drink swooshed in his shaker. Silence passed between us as he quickly shook his drink.

"So are you okay with it?"

Enough time has passed that my eyes fixated on the papers on the table. "Yes..."

"And from what I've heard you only keep to yourself."

"Hu-What?" I finally stopped spacing out.

"You're teachers are concerned about your future Michelle. I may not have been with you that long, but is there anything troubling you?"

Our eyes locked as he sat down next to me.

"No, not really." My hands shook in my chair.

For a few seconds he looked at me and sighed. "It's okay if you don't want to talk about it now, but whatever you've got wrong get it settled. I won't rattle your ass about this but you are the one who doesn't want to talk someone."

"I'm fine." He gave me a reassuring pat on my back before he awkwardly walked away.

"I need to go now anyway. Just take care of the house while I'm gone. That weird lady is giving me a hard time again." His voice recedes down the hallway. "I need to file an eviction notice for this one. Ha!" The door slammed as his voice cut out.

That old man can't lay off my case.

I finished my oatmeal and before I throw out the bowl I realized it wasn't paper, it was glass. I tried to catch it with my hand, but a second too late it already fell.

The glass shards scattered into every available crevice as it shattered on the ground.

"Darn." I picked up the pieces in my hand without thinking and a few drops of blood already dripped from my hands. I threw out the larger shards before cleaning my hands of any smaller ones. I only suffered a few small cuts.

I picked up the broom and swept up any remaining shards. And cleaned up anything that seemed out of place.

After I was done I sat on the couch and bore my eyes into the intricate patterns. Tears seemingly fled from my eyes as I sat.

I do not understand.

I do not understand at all.

Why am I crying?

I bowed my head head as my tears darkened the colorful palette of the couch's fabric. I gripped the cloth of my pants as my forehead leaned against it.

No. No. Please no.

Five years ago.

Everything was normal five years ago.

At that time I was ten. And at that time my mother was still alive, even three years after, but by then she was not the same. I never knew about sex or the blooming clovers of autumn, I only knew what my mother said was everything I wanted to hear.

"Mom I finished the dishes."

"Good, now go take a bath." She smiled with her tired eyes.

"But I don't wanna."

"No, no you have to or I won't read you a story."

"Mom please~"

"Now come on, you have to clean your raisins."

"What?"

"And your tum tum, and your booty. Nice and sparkly." She smiled as she pinched my bottom.

"Hey!"

"Hey to you too. Now get along my dear Michelle." Her eyes sparkled as she spoke.

"Hmph. Fine." I was ignorant back then and I never knew how tired she was.

I grabbed my towel and gathered my bathroom gear.

"I'm going today in my favorite sweater. Yehe~" I giggled as I placed down my things on the toilet. I sunk as low as I can in the tub as my red sweater darkened to a crimson.

My mother walked into the bathroom.

"Michelle!"

"Bwat?", I said as I surfaced the water.

"Stop bathing in your clothes."

"But I don't have anything on other than this sweater." My childish eyes looked up at her innocently. She reached down and pulled me out of the tub and took it off me.

"That is no excuse. You don't want your dad hearing about how you deliberately hide in pillow cases, stuffing things in your pants, and now bathing in sweaters. What are you trying to be? A monkey?"

My face lowered as my face blushed. "I was just trying to hide from mommy. And I only put things in my pants because I'm a kangaroo. And I'm only bathing in my sweater to see what it feels like."

"Mhhm. Sounds very monkeyish to me. Now go take a bath without your sweater", she harrumphed as she walked out of the room with my sweater.

"But mom~"

"No butts, cuts, or coconuts baby. That's the word of the wise man", her voice mused as she walked away.

I reluctantly sat in the bath as bubbles formed around me.

"Why can't I bathe in my sweater? It won't hurt for a little bit"

Later that night

"You nice and snuggly?"

"Uh-huh." My face pressed into the sheets.

"Okay now let's see. Ah hah! Here we are. This night's story is Aldo Never."

"Ooooh~", I awed as my blanket pooled around me as I sat up.

"Ahem, Aldo Never was very clever. More clever than Cindy Setter and Donny Feather, even more than Misses Never.

His hair was white as morning light and his eyes were red as apple bites.

He loved to run more than anything, more than singing to the trees. More than dancing with the bees. More than eating with Misses Applebreeze.

He was as fast as any little boy can be. Though he was not very pleased.

"Mom what can I be?"

"What do you mean Aldo sweet?"

"Why can't I be...like an officer on the street?"

"Of course you can now eat your greens"

"But how can I be?"

"Just go to school and see."

And so he went to school with speedy feet after eating all his lima beans. Green as he can be he never ever spilled his beans.

He went to school with two feet, running till his friend caught him free. They said hello and their goodbyes and as he grew he was not surprised to see he came to be

as he dreamed. He became the officer he once saw on the street."

"Wow that was good mama." My hair tangled as I rolled next to her.

"*Yawn* Yes, now go to bed." She turned her head and reached down to plant a kiss on my forehead.

"Goodnight mama."

"Goodnight babygirl", she whispered as she walked away from the room.

Mama.

After I got up from the couch, I surveyed my surroundings.

There's no real reason to think about her. So why? Why do I?

I go back to my room with my cat, Clam, trailing behind me. I open a page in my read-in book, restarting from the beginning again.

I kept my eyes plastered on the page as the clock ticked away.

So why now?