Lucy watched me expectantly but I didn't know what to say to her. What could I say to her to make it all better?
"Are you alright?" Lucy asked. Her voice was hoarse and I could see that it pained her to speak. Her big brown eyes, surrounded by purple tender skin, swam with fresh tears.
"Don't", I stepped closer to her by the hospital bed. I felt the stab of pain to my heart and the twisting sickness of anger in my stomach. Her body was peppered with bruises and it was my fault but there she was asking if I was ok.
"Bucky, I'm sorry", she apologised. I screwed up my face confused and shook my head.
"What for?" I spat. The words were hard and brittle. Lucy, flinched at the flash of fury. I wasn't angry at her, I was furious at myself, at Rollins and HYDRA. I wanted to eviscerate them. I clenched my fists tight trying to control the urge to leave the room and find something, someone to destroy.
"He came for the flash drive, it has the program to control you; they want you back. They want The Asset back", Lucy was upset, her voice husky. She reached for my hand and I felt her small fingers squeeze anxiously. "They didn't get it did they? I gave it to him, I'm sorry, I didn't want to but I didn't know what else to do. They didn't get it?"
"No, I took it from him", I said quietly removed the flash drive from my pocket and showed it to Lucy. Her shoulders sagged in relief. She reached for it and suddenly hissed and clutched her stomach. I felt sick.
"What did he do to you?" I asked, my voice was low and it belonged to the weapon I once was.
"He kicked me in the stomach. It doesn't matter now", she shrugged dismissively, as if her suffering was of no big deal. I hated it, I hated how she felt like she had to hide her pain from me because she was worried about mine. About how I would react because I was destructive and dangerous.
"It matters Lucy", I told her. "You matter".
"I won't let you punish yourself" She croaked and shook her head.
"And I won't let you protect me from what you're afraid I can't handle". She was quiet for a moment and closed her eyes. When she looked up again her eyelashes were wet with tears.
"I was so scared", she confessed. Fat, hot tears rolled down her cheeks. Pain and anger drowned me.
"I'm sorry" I whispered. My cybernetic hand hesitated above her head, afraid to touch her, unsure if I'd hurt her.
"James", she whispered heartbroken. Metal fingers brushed at the loose chestnut curl that had fallen forwards and pushed it back from her tender forehead. My fingertips traced the contours of her wet cheeks and my thumb ran across the full bottom lip that I desperately wanted to kiss. I turned my hand, my knuckles grazed the soft curve of her jawline and then my fingers moved again as they trailed lower, my fingertips ran lightly down her throat to the vicious purple bruise circling it. My hand, the weapon, curled around the mark; my fingers covering the shapes made by Rollins. It was like I had hurt her after all, just like her nightmares. I felt Lucy swallow and my hand retreated instantly. Her heavy breaths filling the silence of the room.
I remembered the night she asked me to stay with her, I laid down beside her and she rested against me, warm and sleepy and utterly trusting. That night she told me about her nightmare and I told her no one would hurt her. But I had. She had put her trust in me and I had failed her. Every bruise on her body, every mark on her, I was as responsible as Rollins. I had put her in that position. From the moment I knew her name, I'd set us on this course. It was inevitable that she would get hurt. I wanted to protect her from others when I should have protected her from myself. The only way to prevent this happening again was to let her go.
"I have to leave", I told her coolly.
"No", she protested quietly, grabbing hold of the fabric of my jacket. She knew; I could hear it in her voice, she knew everything that I was thinking.
"You need to rest", I gently uncurled her fingers from the material.
"Please don't leave me, Bucky, don't please", Lucy pleaded. I turned my head, I knew if I looked into those eyes once more I would give in and stay.
"I have to", I told her firmly.
"No", she whined and stirred in the bed, trying to sit up.
"Shh, don't upset yourself. You have to rest", I hushed her, gently pushing back down against the pillow. Lucy, draped her arms around my neck, clinging to me. I tried to ignore her grimace of pain at the movement.
"I love you" she whispered against my cheek. I hesitated, it consumed me as much as the first time she said it.
"I know", I replied, carefully untangling myself from her embrace.
"I'll see you tomorrow right?" She asked worried.
I nodded. I couldn't refuse her, no matter how strongly I knew that she was better off without me, I couldn't do it now. Not yet.
I closed the door behind me, sighed deeply and set off along the hospital corridor. I heard Steve's footsteps behind me, catching up. He walked beside me in silence until we were in the privacy of the stairwell.
"Do you want to talk about?" He asked.
"Nope", I replied tersely.
"Why did you lie to her?" Steve asked.
"About what?"
"Rollins. He was dead. Lucy did kill him", he said but there was no judgement in his voice. Steve knew as well as I that Lucy had done nothing wrong in ending his life; she was defending herself. In our eyes it was justified.
"You're a soldier Steve, you've taken lives. You know what that's like on your conscience." Steve, nodded quietly. "I didn't want that for her. I don't want her to carry that guilt, she already blames herself for so much. To take responsibility for Rollins is nothing to me, I've already taken so many lives what's another one?" I explained and shrugged.
"You should tell her", Steve said.
"No ones going to tell her that she killed a man", I rounded on him angrily.
"No Buck, you should tell Lucy that you love her". He patted my arm and then left me on the stairwell.