A/N: I have edited the ending of this chapter as I was unsatisfied with how it ended and uploaded again.
The first thing I did after the cab dropped me home was run myself a bath. I eased myself into the tub, ignoring the twinges of pain from the tenderness of my stomach and sank right into the hot water. I let my head fall back against the porcelain and I sighed deeply. The steam from the hot water filled the quiet room and for the first time in days I began to relax.
I was relieved when the doctor told me I could go home, I was recovering well and as long as I didn't go to a concert or sports game and scream my lungs out my throat would be fine. After four days in that room I was so happy to escape. I had been alone when he gave me the good news, he remarked that he was surprised to find me unattended as I'd always had a small steady stream of visitors, who all seemed to disobey the hospitals visiting times rule. He asked me if I wanted anyone to pick me up and for a moment I did consider calling one of my friends. But I declined. I was beginning to feel like a bit of a burden to them. When you have friends that routinely kick ass and save the world it's kind of hard not to wonder if they might have more important things to do than juggle with grapes to entertain you (thank you Steve). Or in Bucky's case sit stoically in the corner whilst I pretended to sleep because I didn't want to hear the words I knew he was going to say to me. So I discharged myself and I came home alone and I hadn't told any of them.
When the bath cooled I hauled myself out and threw on some pink pyjama pants and an old gray t shirt of Bucky's that he had left at my house. I breathed in the scent of him and felt such a longing. I didn't bother drying my hair, the bruises under my eyes were yellowing and I didn't want to spend time in front of a mirror looking at them and remembering how I got them, so I piled the wet mass of waves into a bun on the top of my head. I turned on the radio and moved into my kitchen. I was hungry but eating was still an issue, soft foods for a while but all I craved in hospital was crispy, salty fries. Well I had none of those so I made a stack of pancakes instead and nursed a mug of black coffee for dessert which tasted like heaven to me. It was the first coffee I'd had in days.
Although it was lunch time now and the lounge was bathed in light from the midday sun, I was already beginning to feel tired. Who knew you could get so exhausted from lying in bed for over 72 hours? I stretched out on the couch enjoying the solitude and the warmth on my foot from the ray of sunlight streaming through the window, when the doorbell buzzed. I ignored it but whoever was outside pressed again.
"I know you're in there", I heard Sam shout. I sighed. Guess that solitude was over.
I opened the door and let him inside, he strolled by me and bee lined for the kitchen.
"So you escaped huh?" he remarked pouring himself a coffee from the pot.
"Doctor said I was fine to be discharged", I told him quietly, looking at the floor like a kid that knew they were about to be scolded.
"And you didn't tell anyone?" Sam said, he sat down on one of my kitchen stools and took off his sunglasses.
"I didn't want to bother anyone", I explained. I opened the fridge and pulled out the plate of leftover pancakes. "Hey, you want one?"
"Don't think you can get out of this by bribing me with sweet goods", he said seriously but still took the proffered plate. "Didn't you think it might have been a good idea to let the protection team know you were going home?" He took a bite of one of the pancakes.
Shit.
"I didn't even consider. Crap", I replied apologetically. "I'd honestly forgotten. I didn't even occur to me, I never even noticed them as I left".
"Agent Lin, was flirting with a nurse at the vending machine as you made your exit. When he got back you were gone, luckily your doctor was still on rotation and explained you'd gone home. He phoned it in. Natasha asked I come by. She's tearing Lin a new one right now".
"She asked you and not Bucky?" I asked, feeling a tiny bit sorry for Agent Lin.
"He's in New York with Steve", He explained casually.
"Business or pleasure?" I pushed, my heart fluttered nervously.
"Bit of both maybe", Sam shrugged. "You look tired".
"I am", I agreed sitting on the stool next to him. "Nice to be home though". I looked around at the familiar surroundings and I felt comforted by them.
"And you're ok being by yourself? Thought you might have gone to Steve and Bucky's".
"No, I'm good I guess. I can't keep relying on them. Or on any of you, I don't want to be any more of a hindrance than I already am".
"No one thinks you're a hindrance. We're just taking care of our own. Look, if you want to move back in with me for a while that's fine, you can have your room back", Sam offered.
"Sam you turned my room into a home gym less that 24 hours after I moved out!" I accused but I was smiling.
"That was all in there before you moved in, I was just reclaiming it", he defended, also warmly.
"Well thanks for the offer but I don't want to see your workout bench displaced again".
"Alright", he smiled and rose from the stool. "Lucy, you might not feel like doing it right away but if you want to talk about what happened to you; you call me, drop by to see me, whatever but you can talk to me, you understand?"
I nodded quietly, I understood. That was what Sam did, he listened, he counselled. I knew he would be there for me both professionally and as a friend and I was grateful for that. He dropped me a little kiss on the top of my head.
"I've got to get back to the base. I better let the team know you're ok. There'll be car outside you know", he explained.
"I figured", I shrugged. I didn't think that would stop anytime soon.
"See you later King", he told me.
"Hey Sam!", I called out as I followed him to the door. "How's Bucky? I mean has he said anything about...this?"
"No. Not to me", Sam replied apologetically.
"In the hospital he would come to see me...he'd just sit there and watch me but he barely spoke..." I trailed off.
"Barnes blames himself, that's pretty clear. The guys not used to having emotions Lucy, he's probably trying to process them. But you need to concentrate on yourself, alright?" Sam advised. I nodded again.
When he left I locked the door and bolted it, double checking everything. Tiredness engulfed me and I slipped into bed. To be in my own bed again was a pleasure I had missed. Within moments I had drifted off.
I slept well and dreamed about my aunt and uncles home in Kailua; my feet on the warm sand and the waves lapping the shore, I could taste the shaved ice on my tongue. When I woke it was dark. I lay still for a few moments in bed until thirst got the better of me and I heaved myself off the mattress. I yawned and padded bleary eyed through the lounge to the kitchen. I hadn't closed the drapes and the streetlights illuminated the room. I gulped down a glass of water and refilled it intending to take it with me back to the bedroom but I almost dropped the glass when I turned and saw a figure sitting at the kitchen table.
It was Bucky.
"I guess I should be used to seeing you in dark corners by now", I told him as I bent down to mop up the water that sloshed out of the glass when he'd startled me. He didn't reply.
"I was discharged this morning", I explained but he still didn't speak and sat motionless on the chair. I took my glass to the table and pulled out a chair opposite him. He was dressed in his tactical gear and looked dirty and sweaty like he used to when he returned back to the vault following a mission. He'd placed his pistol on the table. I supressed a shiver. "You've just finished a job huh?"
Nothing.
"Sam came over earlier, to check I was ok. I forgot to tell anyone I'd gone home, pretty stupid of me I guess. But I'm ok. Slept a lot. He said you guys were in NYC", I babbled nervously.
Still he said nothing, his eyes regarded me cooly. A chill made it's way down my spine.
"What is it?" I asked, the croak in my voice returned.
"We took out a HYDRA cell", he told me.
"Oh". The room was thick with tension. I swallowed.
"I enjoyed it", Bucky explained, his tone was dispassionate. He licked his lips and locked eyes with me. "I wanted to hurt them". He suddenly leaned forwards, the movement alarmed me, stupidly and instinctively I flinched back in my chair. Bucky smiled wryly.
"I'm not The Winter Soldier anymore Lucy but I wanted to hurt them and I did. Doesn't that disgust you?"
I sat still on the chair, my face unreadable. He was pushing me away, like I knew he would.
"I know who you are. And what you do", I told him and held his gaze. "I've always known but you're not cruel".
"I'm a killer without mercy".
"No, you were. And you were merciless because all emotion was tortured out of you."
"But I enjoyed it...today. You are still afraid of me".
"No I'm not", I scoffed.
"Your heart is racing, your breathing is shallow and those brown eyes are wide as saucers. If your fingers weren't twisting together so tightly, I'd see your hands shake. I know you're scared of me", he called me out and sat back in the chair.
"You're being ridiculous", I scoffed again and got up. I stood next the kitchen counter, my hands braced against the counter top. I had tried to put some distance between us but Bucky followed me, slowly making his way over to where I rested. He stopped only when our bodies touched. He towered above me and placed his hands over mine.
"You're right to be scared", Bucky dropped his head down and whispered in to my ear. I could feel his hot breath on my skin.
"Stop it" I whispered, I replied. "Why are you doing this?" I pleaded and I felt fresh forming tears ready to spill over.
"I was an idiot to think I could have you. To have this life".
"No. No, you're not", I argued as a big, hot tear rolled down my cheek. Bucky's fingers traced the yellowed marks on my face. They lightly skimmed across the finger marks around my throat. His eyes were glassy and full of pain. Embarrassed, I tried to shift away but I had no where else to move to. His hands moved lower, down the sides of my waist until they reached the hemline of the t-shirt I was wearing. Bucky hesitated for a second and then bunched the fabric up in both his fists and carefully lifted it upwards. When he saw the giant purple-black bruise on my stomach, he turned his face away to hide from me the pain and guilt, he didn't want me to witness.
"I should have protected you", he said mournfully.
"Bucky, you gave me the strength to try and protect myself. I didn't want to lose you so I fought back".
"No, I should have protected you from myself", he said quietly.
Bucky sank to his knees on the floor before me and gently placed his lips against the tender skin. The warm soft feel of his lips and the sweetness of the gesture turned my knees to jello and I sagged against the counter. He kissed my stomach again and again. My fingers wound in his dark hair, holding him between my small palms.
"James", I sighed. He pulled away suddenly and rose to his feet. I made a sound of disappointment at the break of contact. Bucky, took hold of my hips and carefully but firmly lifted me up on to the countertop. He settled himself between my thighs. Bucky's hands reached for my face and then pulled away, he bit his bottom lip conflicted. He reached for me again. It was if he was afraid to touch me.
"You won't hurt me", I reassured him and placed my own hand against his battle wearied face. Bucky carefully peeled it away and kissed my palm. And with a brief, almost shy smile, that belied the intensity in his blue eyes; Bucky pulled me closer, placed his lips against mine and kissed me with an urgency that made me breathless.