TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of cutting and suicide
It's been 12 hours since the events that brought me here.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
The machine beeps with every beat of her heart. Her broken heart. I think back to the events of last night…
Finally, Kurt and Blaine pull me back and we watch the medics surround my best friend. They are yelling for stuff that I don't know. One of them starts doing CPR while another one gets an AED ready. Another one comes up to us and starts talking, but I'm only focused on my Santana.
"Stand back! Clear!" A shock is delivered trying to restart her heart. The person goes back to chest compressions and I can barely see through my tears. I just need her to wake up. She'd wake up and we'd find a way to be together again… somehow.
"Wait, I think we got a pulse. Get her on the stretcher." I hear them say. I manage to break free from Kurt and Blaine and go to Santana.
"San, please! Wake up!"
"Ma'am we have to rush her to the hospital. Let us take care of her."
They rush past us and Rachel follows them into the ambulance. I am stuck standing there with Quinn holding me up.
"Brittany, I'm going to take you home and you are going to get some sleep. Sam is worried sick. We will keep you updated."
I could only nod. My whole body is numb.
I couldn't sleep last night. I stared at pictures of her, taking in every detail of her face, even though I have it completely devoted to memory already. Those melted chocolate eyes that shine brighter than the sun. That smooth mocha skin that glows with every breath she takes. Those plump lips that curve into her signature smirk to lighten up any mood. I also held onto the letter she left on her bed. After rereading it so many times, I have it committed to memory too.
I'm sorry, I wasn't strong enough. I'm sorry I wasn't smart enough. I'm sorry I wasn't talented enough. I'm sorry I wasn't pretty enough. You deserve someone who will tell you every day how beautiful you are, how much of a genius you are. You deserve to explore the world. Eat new food, meet new people. You deserve to smile bright each and every day. I've hurt you. And I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for every ounce of pain I caused. Hopefully now, I can erase your pain. Or at the very least, the source of your pain. Let me fix this. Let me take away your pain. Consider it a belated wedding present. It's been so long since I've seen you smile at me. But I realize I don't deserve it. I never deserved you, my beautiful genius unicorn. Except you are no longer mine. I'm sorry I wasn't enough. Goodbye.
Even in a letter, she can rant and get off topic. I clutched the tear stained letter closer to my chest taking in the faint scent of her body lotion. Sam tried holding me, telling me it was going to be ok, but every time he touched me it felt like a burn. His touch is rougher than hers. He isn't her.
Now I'm sitting next to her comatose body. She is still the most beautiful person I have ever laid eyes on. But her eyes remain closed, her skin appears duller, and her lips remain unmoved. Rachel and Kurt are talking to the doctor outside the room. Blaine is calling her parents and Quinn is standing across the room watching me. We look up when Rachel walks in. Kurt went to go find Blaine.
"What did the doctor say?" Quinn asks gently. Rachel takes a deep breath and eyes me carefully before responding.
"The alcohol caused a lot of damage to her system and she lost a fair amount of blood. She is still at risk for infection from the glass. But, the doctors don't know when she'll wake up, if at all."
If at all. No. I grasp the tan hand feeling the chill go through me. Both from the cold hand and the possible fate.
Quinn wraps her arms around Rachel. "What happens now?" Quinn asks.
"Well," Rachel says, "Blaine is trying to reach her parents. The doctor went to double check her files to see who the medical proxy is listed. They'll decide when to pull the plug if it comes to that."
"Oh god," Quinn lets out and hugs the smaller girl tighter.
The door opens again and in walks Kurt and Blaine wrapped up in each other followed by the doctor.
"Well, I might as well tell you since you're all here. Her parents were not listed and neither were either of you Ms. Berry or Mr. Hummel. She has a Brittany Susan Pierce listed here," the doctor says, "Do you know how to reach Ms. Pierce?"
"T-that's me," I whisper out, "when- when was I listed?"
"It looks like since she was 18, once she was independent from her parents. She apparently trusts you more than anyone else. Now I need to speak to you about the possibility of Ms. Lopez not waking up."
"She will wake up. She has to! And don't you dare ask me to end her life. Absolutely not. You'd have to go over my dead body first," I snarled at him. Tears are streaming down my cheeks and I stand defensively in front of Santana. No one will take her away from me. I screwed up, and now I need to fix it.
"Ms. Pierce, I understand you are upset and scared for your friend…"
"She's more than my friend. She's my best friend! I've spent every day for the past 8 years thinking about her and wanting to spend the rest of my life with her. Even when we were with other people, she was the only person I could think of. Whenever I would see her, even if it was for just a second, it would be the best second of my day. Every moment away from her hurts. I've messed up in the past, but I've never stopped loving her. Not for one second. Don't you dare say I'm just upset for my 'friend'. She is my everything. And I will do anything for her."
I didn't realize I was shouting until I notice passerbys stop and stare in, a few with tears in their eyes. The doctor simply nods his head and exits the room. The other 4 are gripping each other, tears down their faces as well. They each move towards me and try to comfort me, but they know there is no use.
"Can you guys give me a minute with Santana?" I ask avoiding their eyes. I hear them let out a deep breath and shuffle out of the room.
"Brit," I hear Rachel behind me, "she loved you just the same. Even after everything that has happened. She would be proud of you for standing up for her. She trusted you with this for a reason. She knew you would do anything to help her, but you'll also know when it's time to let go."
"She is still alive, so please stop talking like she's gone," I whisper, "and I will never let go. If she goes, I won't be long after. I can't live without her, Rachel."
A moment later, I hear the door close. I stare back at the bed and carefully climb in with her, trying not to disturb her. I lay my head on her chest, avoiding all the tubes, close my eyes and listen to her heart slowly beating. I talk to her, reminiscing of the crazy things we've done. I lace my fingers with her and rub the back of her hands.
I continue this every day. Each day I go into her room and cuddle with her. Sometimes I'll kiss her hands. Sometimes, I'll cry into her chest. I do this every day for a week. Her parents have showed up and I've given them some time alone with her. When they heard that I was listed, they were not surprised one bit. They just scooped me into a hug and told me that they trusted me to do whatever is best for their daughter.
Sam gave me space a first until he confronted me after the 3rd day.
"Brittany, don't go back there. You shouldn't be feeling guilty for something only she is responsible for."
"Don't you dare blame her for this, Samuel. I told you I would go back to her if she reached out. And guess what, she did that night. If I had only talked to her in the past few months, she wouldn't be in the hospital. She would be standing next to me helping me cook dinner while singing an Amy Winehouse song. This wedding should never have happened." I respond back. He comes closer to me and once again tries comforting me in a hug. At first, I hug back just wanting to be held after a long day. But when he tries to kiss me, I immediately push him away.
"Brit, we are supposed to be on our honeymoon. I still don't understand why you insisted we push it back a few months."
"Sam, I can't be with you. I'm sorry, I never should have said yes."
"This is bullshit. If Santana never called, we'd be cuddled up on the couch watching Dirty Dancing while I try to distract you and would probably succeed. Even now. If she just died in her room, we'd be at the funeral in a few days and then be moving on."
"How dare you say that! If she died, I wouldn't be here anymore. I'd get the call immediately and go to her."
"You are so naïve Brittany! This isn't some Romeo & Juliet reenactment. This is real life! You don't throw your life away because your childhood friend was selfish enough to commit suicide."
SLAP
Sam is clutching his cheek which is quite red already from the slap I just gave him. I was still seeing red, but Sam was shocked. Everyone thought I could barely hurt a flower. But if you really get me angry enough, I can take down anyone.
"She is more than a childhood friend to me and you know that." I remove the ring on my finger and throw it at him. "She is going to wake up and I will be by her side when that happens." I turn around and head to the spare room to pack up a few bags. As soon as it's all packed, I head to the front door. Right before I open it, I hear Sam.
"And if she doesn't wake up? What are you going to do then? I bet you are going to come running back here. That's what you did last time."
I don't even bother turning around. If I do, he'll see the tears in my eyes from the very mention of San not waking up. "She will wake up. I will make sure of it. Even if it's the last thing I do." I walk out of the apartment to Quinn's. When she opens the door and finds me ringless and with my bags, she steps aside and lets me in.
The next few days have been a blur. I continue my routine visiting Santana.
It's been 17 days since the dreadful day.
It is now Christmas Eve. But this year I don't want any jewelry or clothes. I just want Santana to wake up. I would do anything to see that cute confused look after Rachel has done something to annoy her. I want to hear her sing in the shower again. I want to see her dance around her room with a hair bush singing along to some Broadway song and quickly hiding when Rachel and Kurt got back to the loft. I want to hear her make just one more insult, to call Rachel some form of hobbit or dwarf, to question Quinn's sexuality, to go on a 5 minute insult to prove a point to Kurt. I want to hear her say "Wanky" in the middle of a seemingly innocent conversation. I want to feel her hands comb through my hair like she did whenever she fixed my high pony in high school. I want to feel her lips on mine, giving me all her love. I want to feel her body against mine as we sensually made love. I want to feel her hand in mine. Or even her pinky. I just want my Santana back.
"Brittany," Quinn calls from the doorway, "the doctor would like to talk to you."
I give a small kiss to San's cheek before following Quinn out of the room. The doctor is sitting with Santana's parents whom I sit next to. Rachel, Quinn, Kurt and Blaine are standing nearby.
"Ms. Pierce, I was just talking to Mr. and Mrs. Lopez. I was telling them it looks like Santana will not wake up. Each passing day, the likelihood of her waking up decreased significantly. We feel it would be best to start making arrangements." He holds a clipboard in front of me, but I refuse to even look at it. Santana will not wake up. I feel a hand on my shoulder and see Mr. Lopez holding back tears as he holds his wife with his other arm. Kurt's face is buried in Blaine's chest. Quinn and Rachel are holding onto each other, each trying to be strong. I am still processing the information. They want to k-ki- no. They can't.
"No, she-she's going to wake up," I plead.
"Brittany, honey" Mrs. Lopez says reaching for my hand, "we know you're the one who makes the decision, but I think Santanita has been suffering enough. We should let her soul be at peace." The very fact her parents think it's time means it is. But, I can't let go. I stare at the clipboard and slowly taking it, my hands shaking as I try to hold the pen. But I can't bring myself to bring it to the paper. My whole body freezes. I look around again and everyone's eyes are on me. There is so much pain. Let me take away your pain. Santana wanted to take away my pain. I should take away hers too. It's the only thing I can do. I sign my name and hand it back.
"We will give you a day to say your goodbyes. I'm sorry." And with that, the doctor walks away. Again, I am completely numb.
Later that day, several glee members show up to say goodbye to their friend. Everyone leaves the room in tears. Puck told her that he hopes she meets some hot chicks in heaven trying to lighten the mood. A few people also told her to look out for Finn up there. Some wondered if they should sing something to help, but no one could bring themselves to do it. They decided to do something afterward, like what we did for Finn.
One by one, they said their goodbyes. I would just watch from outside. Finally it was just her family and I who haven't said goodbye. Her parents decided to go in first. They said San would have wanted to have me be her last memory. I watch as her parents leave the room in sobs. Quinn comes up behind me.
"She would have wanted this Brit. And she wouldn't have wanted you to blame yourself. She wanted what was best for you."
"She is what's best for me. She just couldn't see it." I walk in to the room and admire the beautiful figure laying there. I slowly make my way to the side of the bed.
"San," I whisper, "it's time to wake up, baby."
She looks like a Latina Sleeping Beauty. My fingers graze her cheek and my thumb traces her lips. Slowly, I lean down and gently kiss her lips hoping that this is some kind of fairytale and she'll wake up. I pull back hoping to see those beautiful eyes, but her eyelids haven't moved. I lean back down, kissing her harder. Still nothing. I kiss again and again, but nothing changes.
"Please Santana. You have to wake up. I need you here. I know I messed everything up, but I can't lose you. They are going to stop these machines that are keeping you alive. And it's all my fault. You trusted me to make the right decision for you, but I've made a mistake again. I can't lose you. I need you to wake up. So please, please Santana. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up!" I'm sobbing into her neck by this point. "Santana Lopez, I love you. I've always loved you. Through every glance, every fight, everything. I love you more than anything. More than Rachel loves Broadway, more than Blaine loves bowties. I love you more than Dots, more than Lord Tubbington, more than dancing. I love you so so much." I continue sobbing.
"And I love you, I love you, I love you like never before." I whisper into her ear. My tears are leaving my face and dripping into her hair and on her face. "I'm so sorry for everything I've ever put you through. You are going to a better place. Wait for me. I'll be with you before you know it."
I hear the doctor walk in towards the machines. He waits, tears also in his eyes. I climb into the bed one last time, holding onto the one person I love in this world, and slowly nod my head to him. One by one, he turns off the machines. I continue listening to her heartbeat. I vowed I would listen to every last beat of her heart. Right before the doctor turns off the last machine, he gives me a look of sympathy. The simple flick of the switch causes my breath to get caught in my throat. I close my eyes and listen, waiting for the last beat. It's slower and slower…
There will be one more part to this which will be very short. Also I don't have any knowledge in the medical field or anything. Anything said was essentially made up for the sake of the story. Thoughts?
To anyone waiting for an update on my other story "You'll Be in My Heart", I'm struggling through the next chapter. When I get writer's block for that, I end up posting short pieces such as this. If anyone has any requests, let me know. You can PM me or message me via tumblr (Sentimental-idiot).