Karma was drunk.
That was the only explanation, the only logical one at least. Though, if she was being honest, she'd probably passed logical right about the time she saw Amy dorking her way down the concourse.
Or the first time she caught a glimpse of that fucking rock.
Either way, really.
Still, logical or not, drunk was the only excuse, the only way any of what she'd just done (said) made any sense (it made no sense, none at all) and she didn't give even one tiny fuck what Felix said about drunk people (even if he was totally right) because that didn't help her and it definitely didn't change what she'd done (said).
I promise that I'll love you till the day I die.
She'd said it. She'd actually said it. She hadn't said it the night of the wedding (even if she'd felt it) and she hadn't said it the day after (though, really, 'salt to my pepper? If that didn't fucking scream 'I love you'...). She hadn't said it that night in the pool (she'd been busy) and she hadn't said it the day Amy climbed onto the bus and drove away and she'd been pretty sure if she didn't say it that day, she never would.
But then she did.
Karma leaned against the sink in her bathroom and closed her eyes, hoping the darkness would be enough to keep her stomach from rolling again. But all it did was bring every vision of Amy she'd had that night bursting to the surface, peppering the inside of her eyelids with that outfit, that smile, that slow sexy swaying on the dance floor.
That fucking rock.
She lurched, making it just in time, hitting her knees in front of the toilet as she heaved. But nothing came (there was nothing left) but Karma still felt like everything inside her was trying so desperately to get out, to run away, to escape.
Or maybe that was just her.
"I said it," she muttered into the bowl. "Oh God… I said it."
There'd been a few (more than a few) times over the years when Karma had imagined how things might have been different if she'd just managed to say those words. Or even if she'd managed to not say others.
Just not like that.
Her life had spun off on a course she'd never seen coming and all because she hadn't said those three little words. What if she had? There'd have been no Amy and Liam. No Amy and Reagan. No Amy and Maisie.
Karma tried not to think about why it was that everything was no Amy and someone else.
She tried not to think about Amy and someone else. Even though she knew now that she'd have to. Forever. And that thought made her retch again and still nothing came and that only made sense since she felt as empty as she ever had.
Karma heard the water running behind her and the a hand lifting her hair back and a cool cloth sliding across her neck. "Amy?"
"Not quite," Ashlyn said and Karma was both disappointed and relieved. She wasn't sure she'd ever be up to facing Amy but she knew she definitely wasn't just then.
"I didn't know you were here," Karma said. She shut her eyes and let the damp from the washcloth seep into her skin, soothing her muscles. "I thought you had a frat party."
"Party got broken up by campus security," Ash said. She pressed the cloth against Karma's neck with one hand and rubbed her other one along the redhead's arm. "And the guy I was with ditched me and I almost got busted. But that's OK." She leaned closer, resting her chin on Karma's shoulder. "The band sucked and the show was much better here."
"Shit," Karma groaned. "You heard that?"
"Almost every word," Ashlyn said and Karma could practically hear the smile. "I think I woke up in the middle, somewhere around the Liam confessing his love part."
Karma wanted to retch again. Just when she thought this couldn't get any worse.
"Amy's pretty lucky, you know," Ashlyn said. She flipped the washcloth over, letting the cool side drip across Karma's neck. "Most women don't ever get to hear that kind of love thrown their way. I mean, seriously Karms, that was some Nicky Sparks kinda game you were spitting."
"She didn't," Karma said softly. "Hear it, I mean. She's out. Amy sleeps…" I've had a thousand conversations with her she's never heard. "When she's out, she's out."
"So," Ashlyn said, "what you're telling me is that you waited until after you fucked her into unconsciousness to confess your love?" She made a tut-tutting noise and plucked the cloth from Karma's neck. "Supposed to be the other way around, K."
Karma sat up and shook her head (a choice that seemed so much better before she actually did it). "We didn't," she said. "I mean I didn't, I mean there was no…" She let herself trail off before she managed to cover every cliche in the bad decisions guidebook.
Ashlyn ran the cool water over the washcloth and handed it to Karma. She hopped up on the sink, pulling one knee to her chest as she regarded her roommate "So there was no sexing and bow-chickie-bow-bow time?" she asked. "Just the big confession and then the whole slinking out of the room to hide?"
"I didn't slink," Karma said. She pressed the washcloth to her forehead though it did nothing to alleviate the burning in her cheeks. "And there was no bow-chickie-bow and no confession."
"Really? Cause I'm pretty sure I heard a promise to love -"
"You heard it," Karma snapped. "She didn't. And if the person you're confessing your love to doesn't hear it or doesn't understand that's what you're doing…"
you're the salt to my pepper
just you and me
I wish it could always be like this
"Then it doesn't count," she finished. "And Amy didn't hear it. So nothing happened. It was nothing. I was drunk. I'm still drunk. That's all it was."
Ash seemed somewhat less than convinced. "You know what they say about drunk people and doing what they -"
"Yes," Karma cut her off. "I know. And I know it's a load of horseshit." She scooted back and pressed herself against the bathroom wall. "I wasn't trying… I didn't want… " She tipped her head against the wall.
"You didn't want to tell your soulmate you're as in love with her as she is with you?"
Karma squeezed the washcloth between her fingers, letting the water drip out and splash down onto her legs. "She's not," she said. "Amy's not in love with me. You heard me, Ash. You heard. She's engaged. She's wearing another woman's ring."
Karma knew she didn't understand a lot about love. But she was pretty sure she got that part.
"Did she tell you about it?" Ashlyn asked. "Did she say the words 'I'm engaged'? Did she flash the ring for everyone to see and ask you to help her plan and pick out flowers and taste cakes and be her best woman?"
"No," Karma said. "But none of that matters. She's got the ring. She took the ring."
"So?"
"So," Karma said. "Amy wouldn't do that. She wouldn't take the ring and wear it, at all, unless she was going to say yes. She wouldn't… she wouldn't do it unless Maisie was the one."
"Bullshit."
Karma's eyes snapped open as fast as they could, which was about three times faster than they should have and the light in the bathroom made the world swim. "Bullshit?"
"Yes, Karma. Bullshit. Totes bullshit, immense bullshit, all the bullshit." Ashlyn hopped off the counter and snatched the washcloth from Karma's hands. "You don't think you two are really fooling anyone, do you? Besides yourselves, I mean."
"I'm not…" Karma started and then…. "wait… anyone?"
Ash laughed as she ran the washcloth under the water again. "We've got a pool going," she said. "The whole floor. When will Karma and Amy finally crack and admit their enduring sapphic sweetness and just get down to the scissoring already."
Karma saw Ashlyn, but she heard Shane and she had a sudden urge to crawl into the tub and never leave.
"A pool," she said. A pool. A fucking pool. Because she and Amy always did so well with pools. "Sorry to disappoint," Karma said. "But nothing happened. We went to Neuro and I had one too many." She said one but she meant six or eight or, maybe, since her courage had deserted her until Amy was asleep, maybe it really been one too few.
Ash frowned and, under different (less pukey and heartbreaking and all around shittacular) circumstances, Karma might have been touched by how invested her roommate was in her love life.
Even if probably only meant Ash had that weekend in the pool.
"Right," Ashlyn said. She dropped the washcloth back in Karma's lap and then leaned against the bathroom door. "Nothing happened. Except, you know, I promise to love you -"
"Ashlyn…" Karma warned but Ash didn't listen to her normally, much less when she was on a roll.
"And let's not forget the you two in the bed," Ashlyn steamrolled on. "With the hand holding and the cuddling and the half naked sprawling on top of each other."
Half… wait… what?
Karma glanced down, noticing for the first time that she was in nothing but her panties and a thin tank top and just when the fuck had that happened and she remembered stripping to her bra before the puking and then (vaguely) a vision of Amy shimmying her pants down her legs swam before her eyes and then… the bra… and then the tank…
Oh.
Oh fuck.
The color flooded Karma's cheeks again cause...well… Amy had seen her naked. Amy. Her. Naked. Well, topless at least, and yeah, they'd seen each other in various states of undress over the years but this was topless and this was when Karma knew how she felt (and wasn't ignoring it) and the thought rumbled through her mind and she wondered what Amy had thought and what she had felt (and by felt, Karma totally meant feelings, not what Amy had felt).
And she couldn't help it. Really she couldn't.
She wondered if Amy liked them. And if she liked them better than Maisie's.
"I mean, sure," Karma muttered. "I'm not as big as… her… but I've been told they're quite lovely."
"Karma?" Ash's voice snapped the redhead back to reality. "What are you talking about?"
"Nothing," Karma said as she crossed her arms in front of her chest. "There was nothing going on, Ash. Me and Amy and the bed… nothing."
"You were in bed," Ashlyn argued. "Together. Looking like… that." She waved her hand in Karma's direction.
"You and I have shared a bed more than once, Ash."
Ashlyn glared and Karma knew she'd stepped in it.
"Sure we have," Ash said. "And when was the first time that happened… hmmm… Oh, I remember."
"Ash…"
"It was the day Amy Skyped you and told you all about meeting Maisie." There was a smirk on Ash's face, one that always reminded Karma of Lauren. "And you curled up in my arms and cried so long I thought I was gonna have to hospitalize you for dehydration."
Karma pulled herself up from the floor. "That had nothing to do with… anything," she said and really she wasn't even convincing herself. "I was just sad… because…"
"Because…" Ash prompted.
"For the same reason I was sad when Liam started seeing that girl… what's her name?"
"Juliette."
"Right," Karma said. "Her. And the same way I was sad when Jackson started dating what's her face."
"Stacey."
"Right," Karma said again. "And the same way I was when Frank came out of the closet and moved in with that guy…"
"Dustin." Ash said.
"Yup, him." Karma said. "I was sad when Amy met Maisie the same way I was sad all those other times."
Ashlyn resisted the urge to point out that there was only one name in there that made Karma so sad she actually remembered it.
"I was sad for all of them," Karma said. "Because they had found it. That thing I can't ever seem to…" She leaned against the counter, consciously avoiding the mirror, and remembered the way she'd felt at prom. When Liam was with Sasha and Amy was with Felix and Wade couldn't even want her enough to choose her over Shane.
It was different people. Different times. Different others. But one thing was always the same.
It was never her.
"It's the loss of possibility," she said quietly. "One more fish out of the sea. One more… one more someone whose someone is someone else." Karma squeezed her eyes closed, trapping the tears. "It doesn't matter how hard I look, I never find… I never find the one," she said. "The one who wants me."
Ashlyn pushed off the door and stepped closer to Karma. She took her hand and slowly guided her from the bathroom. She led her to the side of the bed. Amy had rolled in her sleep and her back was to them and Karma was grateful cause at least that hid that fucking rock.
"You haven't found her?" Ash asked, her voice soft in Karma's ear. "Maybe you just haven't been looking in the right places."