Karma knew what she had to do.
And they key word there? Had. Had to do. No option. No want or need or desire implied. It was what she had to do, and there were no two ways about it.
For three months, back in high school, Karma had been convinced that time apart was going to be the death of them. She'd been sure (sure) that Amy's little jaunt with the 'pussies' was going to do what Liam and drug busts and lies and Reagan and her own stupidity (and that summer was the time she first realized just how much of that there had been) hadn't done.
Somehow, with some help from Shane (and who the fuck would ever have seen that coming?) and a lot of soul searching, they'd survived. It had sucked, it had sucked out fucking loud but they had made it. Karma still remembered the moment Amy had come home (and by 'home' she totally meant Austin and not her) and they'd seen each other across the courtyard on the first day of school.
Karma had envisioned it one or two (thousand) times that summer, always playing out in a different way. There was the one where Amy had moved on so completely, so utterly, that she walked past Karma without a second glance. There was the one where Karma had let her anger win out (and make no mistake, there'd been a part of her that was so fucking angry) and she'd been the one to stalk past Amy, not even giving her the time of day.
There were others. Scenarios where Shane or Lauren played peace-maker and found some ridiculous pretext (the sort of thing that happened all the time in the movies Karma spent the entire summer practically devouring) to bring them together. Sometimes they tricked them into reuniting in their spot (on a blanket by the tree where she'd once staged that photo op that was so not just an excuse to kiss Amy).
(It so was)
Or Shane would shove Amy into the janitor's closet and Lauren would push Karma in and they'd lock the door and refuse to let them out. "Not until you make up," Shane said. "Or fuck. Or both." Karma spent a lot of time daydreaming that one (and not much time at all wondering why it was so often that one).
In the end, it was the simplest one, the one she'd probably imagined the most. She and Amy saw each other across the courtyard and walked together, slowly.
"Hey," Amy said.
"Hey," Karma replied.
And then Amy took her hand and Karma smiled and they hugged and Karma swore (inside) that she was never (ever) going to let something like that (the separation, not the hug) happen again. She could live without Amy, that summer had taught her that.
It had also taught her that a life without Amy wasn't a life worth living.
So, that night (or, technically, morning) Karma knew what she had to do.
"I'm sorry," Amy said.
Somehow, Karma found her voice again. "Sorry? For what?"
There was a moment, the briefest of brief seconds, when Karma thought she saw something flit across Amy's face. Surprise? Shock? Disappointment? It was there, for that split of a split second and then it was gone and Karma pushed it aside, chalked it up to nothing but wishful thinking.
"That, I… um…" Amy stammered. She shook her head and Karma could almost hear her mind clearing and her thoughts clicking back into place. "That I didn't tell you sooner," she said. "I didn't want you to find out like… wait… how did you find out?" She tipped her head back, creating just a little distance (and even that little was too much if you asked Karma but nobody did). "Are you all mind readery?" she asked. "Like your Aunt?"
Karma laughed (because that was what was expected and Karma was good at that.) "No," she said and reached out a hand, clasping the chain around Amy's neck (her fingers brushed against Amy's skin - obviously - and Karma somehow managed not to tremble). She pulled it gently, dragging that fucking rock up and out from under Amy's shirt.
She let the chain dangle and the diamond rest in her hand. It was her first good look at it (even if that word, good, could never apply to that...thing) and Karma was surprised. It was a little less than she'd thought. Not as big. Not as sparkly or as gaudy or tacky (so unlike the woman who had given it) and she actually thought it would look good on Amy. It would fit.
And how she didn't throw up in that very moment, at that very thought, Karma would never know.
"You hate diamonds," she said softly, as if Amy needed a reminder. "So I kinda figured… it's not like you'd buy it for yourself and I know I'm not… gay… but I was pretty sure even lesbians don't give things like this out all willy-nilly."
Amy laughed and (unlike Karma's) it sounded real and did nothing but remind Karma that for her best friend, this was real and she needed to wrap her head around that. No matter how much it hurt.
"I should have known," Amy said. "Nothing slips by you."
Except you.
Karma shook her head. "Not when it comes to you," she said. "I saw it in the cab last night and I wanted to ask but…" But I didn't. I didn't want to ask. I just wanted to rip it the fuck off you and throw it out the window and bring you home and never let you leave. "I figured you'd tell me when you were ready."
Karma let the ring drop and it fell back against Amy's chest, resting against the thin fabric of her tee. "Yeah," Amy said. "It's the whole reason I came here, to tell you. But then you were so excited to see me and then we were having fun and then you got drunk…" She reached up and took the ring between her fingers, her thumb ghosting over the diamond. "I wasn't trying to keep it from you."
"I know," Karma said even if she knew no such fucking thing. "There just wasn't a good time."
Amy nodded. "Yeah," she said. "Maisie asked last week, right after our last Skype call and I didn't think... " She closed her fist around the ring and Karma was glad to see it disappear from view. She felt a weight lift from her chest and it was (almost) like she could breath again, if only for a moment. "This wasn't email or text message kind of news," Amy said.
"No," Karma said. "Definitely not. Definitely in person kinda news." She rolled onto her back, tearing her eyes away from Amy, their bare legs sliding against each other as she turned and she was barely able to stifle a moan and that shit was going to have to stop right fucking now.
"I'm sure you have questions," Amy said and Karma swore she felt her best friend (and she would just keep saying that over and over until it sank in) scoot closer and let her leg rest against Karma's. "You always have questions."
Of course Karma had questions. There were a million and one of them running through her mind but she had no idea where to start.
Why the fuck did you say yes?
OK. Maybe she had an idea. But it was a bad one and Karma knew it. Just like she knew probably at least 999,990 of those questions bouncing round in her head were equally bad ideas. None of them would lead anywhere good. Every single one of them was a step onto a slippery slope that obviously (so obviously) led her nowhere but downhill, skidding and sledding and sliding into a confession. Into begging Amy not to marry that bitch (and maybe she wouldn't phrase it like that, but she couldn't be sure). And that would lead to Amy telling her that she'd had her chance (chances, so fucking many) and walking out and catching the first flight back to Cali and Karma couldn't… she just couldn't.
"Nope," she said. "No questions," she said.
And then she closed her eyes and gave herself one last minute, one last momentary blip, a final second of fantasy. Her and Amy and their wedding with Molly and Lucas and Farrah and… well.. whoever the fuck Farrah was with now… sitting in the front row. Lauren standing beside Amy (because Karma couldn't be bride and maid of honor) and Ashlyn standing beside Karma (because fuck Zen). Shane would be there, of course, with Duke or Steve or Wallace or who-the-fuck-ever (like Karma gave even a single fuck about that) but she did want him there.
"I knew it," he'd say "I knew it all along. This? This is thanks to me." And they would all laugh and remember and it wouldn't hurt anymore and it would all be perfect.
Except it wouldn't be. Because all that was everything Karma had always wanted, but everything she'd never let herself admit to needing. And now?
It was everything she knew she'd never have.
And then her one last second, her tiny final blip, her final fantasy ended. And Karma knew what she had to do.
"I lied," she said as her eyes opened and stared up at her ceiling.
"You did?" Amy asked and Karma chose to ignore the hope in her best friend's voice because it was just her imagination. She was sure of that.
"Yeah, I did," she said. "Of course I have questions."
Karma rolled back over (so careful to keep her legs to herself) and smiled at Amy and told herself (again) that that look on Amy's face was all in her fucking head. "I mean, just the obvious," she said. "Like, how did she ask and where's the ring from cause it looks a little old, like heirloom old not just 'oh I had this shit laying around and thought it would be good enough' old. And you are making me Maid of Honor, right? I mean, I know you and Lauren are all sisters now but we had a plan, Amy."
It was true. Karma had a plan. And maybe now that plan needed a little… revision. But she could live with that. She couldn't live without Amy. So she could live with a new plan.
She had to.