It should have been easy.
Karma was in love with Amy. Amy, though supposedly engaged (emphasis on the supposedly) was having enough doubts that she had to think about it and had hopped a flight to NYC while lying to Maisie. That, all by itself, should have been a giant neon sign in the night.
She was still in love. With Karma (and maybe Maisie) (OK, more than maybe but that was so not the point).
So it should have been easy.
They were in the same place (physically) at the same time and they were in, more or less, the same place emotionally (Karma wanted Amy and Amy was tipping in Karma's direction and, really, Amy had been tipping that direction her entire life so a full on fall - another one - was inevitable, right?). And Amy knew how Karma felt (she'd heard every word of it) and Karma knew how Amy felt (she'd heard it too) and though they both had (considerable) doubts, all it would have really taken was one of them saying it.
To the other. Out loud. In the light.
Karma slipped out of the bathroom in her towel, doing her best not to shiver (she was still so cold and she doubted it had all that much to do with the water). Amy was standing by the desk, her tiny makeup bag in her hand (and yes, Amy had a makeup bag and yes, she knew how to use what was in it even if Karma didn't think she needed any of it to be the most beautiful thing in existence and God, she was so screwed.)
"Hey," Amy said.
"Hey," Karma said back.
It should have been so easy.
But it was them. So, like so many other things in their lives (almost everything, certainly everything since 'let's be lesbians' which neither of them had ever imagined either of them would take so fucking literally) it was anything but easy. Instead it hurt like fucking hell and neither of them knew (or could bring themselves to do) what had to come next so they both did what they'd always done best.
They faked it.
"So," Karma said as she rooted through her closet for something to wear. Part of her wanted something hot, something sexy, something that would make Amy forget her doubts and forget that… Maisie… she had waiting on the coast. "I was thinking our usual?"
Amy turned and leaned against the desk. "So, the park and then shopping and in between as much pizza and doughnuts as I can possibly ingest?" She watched Karma as closely as she could without making it obvious that she was watching.
And without making it obvious that she desperately (so fucking desperately) wanted that towel to fall.
Feelings aside, the one thing Amy had never been able to get over was how much she wanted Karma. It was past lust and desire now and had been for years. It was a fucking ache one that Reagan had done nothing to ease and neither had the couple of hook-ups she'd had on campus before Maisie. The fact that all of those had been redheads with asses to die for had nothing to do with anything.
"Sounds like s plan to me," Karma said. She bent over to retrieve a pair of sneakers from the closet (sex appeal was one thing but they were going to be walking everywhere and blisters and a limp were far from a turn on). "But maybe we can go a little easier than usual on the grease intake? I'm not sure I can handle it after last night."
She could feel Amy's eyes on her and if that made her stay bent just a little longer than need be, if she might have pulled the towel a little tighter and a little higher?
Amy had doubts, Karma knew that. But Amy wanted her. Karma knew that.
And all's fair in love and war and thinking about trying to steal back the girl who was yours first, right?
Amy laughed and hopped up on the desk, trying her best to look anywhere but at Karma though it was a mostly losing battle. "Fine," she said. "But that just means more doughnuts."
Karma tossed her chosen outfit on the bed and shook her head, looking at Amy. "Like you need an excuse for that," she said and they both laughed and Karma thought now was the time her heart was going to explode.
This, she thought, was them. This was comfortable but not like old sweats or soft sheets. This was comfortable like it fit, like it was right, like it was where they were always meant to be.
LIke they'd always been.
And that scared the fuck out of her because what they'd always been, where they'd always been wasn't Karmy the couple. That had been the aberration, the exception to the rule, the briefest of hiccups. What they'd always been, where they'd always was right here, in this moment.
Best friends. The best of friends. So best that no one else could compete, that no one else could fit. Liam hadn't been able to squeeze in there, Reagan hadn't managed it any better, and none of the guys Karma had dated or seen or fucked since she'd come to college had even stood a ghost of a chance.
But Liam and Reagan and Davis and all the others? None of them had ever had a ring. None of them had ever gotten either of them to put on a fucking rock (even if it was only around her neck) and none of them had ever gotten this close.
None of them had ever been Maisie.
Karma stared at Amy across the room but she didn't see her. She saw it all. She saw their future, unfolding before her eyes. She saw planning the wedding, she saw Skyping with Amy to help pick flowers and dresses and design the seating chart. She saw the rehearsal, saw herself standing beside Amy (a place she'd always thought was perfect) instead of across from her, holding the bouquet.
It was all so clear. She saw herself helping Amy write her vows, making sure she didn't ramble on (though, of course, Amy would because Amy). Karma heard herself, standing up at the wedding with a glass of champagne in her hand and toasting Amy and Maisie (and oh, the fucking irony of that was almost more than she could take) and hoping against hope that Amy didn't hear it in her voice or her words.
And then the honeymoon and the life that would follow. That's when it would start, she thought. It would be slow, she figured. Gradual, bit by bit, no need to rush. Maisie would already have Amy, it would be her ring on the blonde's finger, her name after the Raudenfeld-hyphen (and fuck all, Karma didn't even know Maisie's last name). It would be her pillows on the other side of the bed, her keys that somehow always ended up in Amy's purse, her voice calling Farrah 'Mom', her hand holding Amy's as their children arrived one by one.
She'd always seen Maisie as the threat. But it wasn't her. Maisie wouldn't need to push Karma out. Life would take care of that all its own.
"I'm gonna go change," Karma said, grabbing her clothes back up. "And then it's you. And me."
She made it to the bathroom before the tears started. Even if the closed door wasn't quite enough to block the sound of them from Amy's ears.
There was a routine to Amy's visits that Karma usually found oddly comforting.
That weekend, it was a life saver.
She could stay focused on the routine, on making sure they stayed on schedule (a schedule of being unscheduled was still a schedule) and that would help her avoid the elephant in the room.
It was simple, really, and so very them. Sure, they hit the clubs or a campus rager at night. They might have been old in a lot of ways (and Karma felt older every fucking day and she swore she'd aged three or four or ten years since she'd seen Amy coming down that concourse) but they were still young and on their own and when one is young and on one's own, one parties. And they did and it was always fun and they always ended up with another story.
Like the time Amy had convinced and overly handsy guy at Neuro that she and Ashyln were a couple (and made Karma feel some kind of way watching the two of them grind on each other on the dance floor and oh, how Davis had benefitted from that after Amy left). Or the time Karma got the DJ at a house party to play Straight Up and they'd cleared the dance floor and ended up teaching an entire sorority their dance.
Karma still saw people doing it at parties at least once a semester.
Or, like the time Karma had too much to drink to cover her raging jealousy and broken heart cause Amy was wearing some other girl's (some other bitch's) ring.
Yeah. That one.
The night were one thing and they were awesome and fun and fantastic but it was the days that Karma lived for. The days that stretched for hours on end and it was just her and Amy and no fucking sharesies. Karma had made a point, before Amy's first ever visit, of explaining it to Ash.
"You're welcome to go out with us every night," she said. "But Amy's days belong to me."
And by days she'd totally meant days and not Amy's heart or soul or life or love or… fuck it… she'd meant all of that and she fucking knew it.
So it was the clubs and the parties at night but by day… by day, Amy was like a kid in a candy store. Before that first ever visit, she had laid it out for Karma in no uncertain terms.
"There are places I have to go and things I have to do and things I have to see and if we don't have enough time for it all," she said, "we'll just have to make time."
The list was simple. A trip to Central Park, for starters. "I've seen it on TV," Amy said. "And I know it's there but I have to see it cause I can't believe there's really this little patch of serenity and green and beauty - and a zoo! - in the middle of all that chaos and noise."
That first visit, Amy made Karma pack a picnic and they sat on a blanket under a tree with Amy on her back with her head in Karma's lap and when she fell asleep like that, Karma couldn't bring herself to wake her.
"And Penn Station," Amy said and Karma had to ask why (sure it was famous but it was a fucking station and they had a few of those in Austin and even, she was pretty sure, in California too.) "I want to watch the people," Amy said. "And it's the perfect place to plan angles and shots and where to set the cameras up to catch everything and show the energy and the heat and the life."
Yes, she'd said, they had stations in Cali but not ones like that and not ones with that much personality and Karma had been so amazed and so absorbed in watching Amy flit around Penn looking for all those right angles and perfect spots they'd ended up spending half the day there and she didn't mind a bit.
She'd always thought watching Liam work at his 'art' was hot but Karma knew then that she hadn't known art from an asshole until Amy.
"And pizza," Amy said. "I need pizza."
Karma had expected that one, knowing full well Amy couldn't come to NYC and not eat and eat a lot. Every trip brought at least three stops for pizza (and at least two were always new) and at least one reminder from Karma on how to eat pizza like a proper New Yorker. And they hit every doughnut shop within spitting distance of Karma's apartment, drank more coffee than should have been legally allowed, and tried at least one new food truck per visit.
"Maisie's not gonna let me come any more," Amy said on the last visit before the visit. "I'm gonna get all fat and unattractive."
Not possible, Karma thought, but she just laughed and bought Amy another doughnut and there was nothing intentional about that at all.
There was the food and the drinks and the park and the people but the best part, every fucking time? The toys. Every visit required at least one shopping trip to the giant toy stores of NYC.
When Karma had first started college, it was FAO Schwartz (and Amy's disappointment at them not having the giant floor piano from Big was so fucking adorable that Karma could have eaten her right up). By the time that weekend rolled around it was the Toys 'R Us superstore and the massive Disney Store.
"You know they sell toys in Texas, right?" Karma asked (every time). "And I'm pretty sure there's at least one Disney related establishment in California." And every time, every single time, Amy just gave her that look (the one Karma couldn't help but imagine Amy giving her just before she shoved Karma's head down between her thighs.)
"Yes," Amy said. "Yes and I know and I don't care cause I'm not in Texas or California, now take me to the toys, bitch."
And if Karma felt a little funny at the way Amy cursing (and being a little bit of a top) turned her right the fuck on? Well, she was learning to come to terms with her desires when it came to her best friend.
Even if they made her flush bright red and try (discreetly) to rub her thighs together in the middle of a NYC sidewalk.
"Can we just go straight there?" Amy asked on the morning of that visit. "We can grab food later, I really need to make sure I have time to get something good for Elliot."
Karma nodded, not that she'd ever refuse Amy, but she knew if the blonde was passing up food then it must be important. "How's she handling everything?" Karma asked. "The wedding and all, I mean."
Amy's newest stepfather, the one Farrah was off cruising with that weekend had come as part of a package deal. Like Bruce before him, he'd brought Amy a new step-sibling but unlike Lauren, this one wasn't a teenager with attitude. Her name was Elliot and she was five when Amy first met her and it was love at first fucking sight.
"Good, I think," Amy said. "We skyped last weekend and she was pretty upbeat about the whole thing. I know she always hoped her parents would get back together, but…"
Karma nodded and didn't comment on the tone in Amy's voice, the slight wistfulness she always got when she started thinking about what might have been if Farrah and Hank could have ever gotten their acts together.
"Speaking of my dad," Amy said cause she knew Karma knew that she had been speaking of Hank, in her own way. "He came out to see me last month."
Karma stopped dead in the middle of the street and Amy had to double back to pull her out of traffic. "What?" she asked. "He came to California? Hank? He actually came to you?"
Amy nodded, her arm still slung through Karma's and neither of them mentioned it or made any move to change it as they continued walking. "Yeah," she said. "He said he was 'in the neighborhood' but I think my mom got on his case about not having met Maisie yet."
Of course. Maisie.
"Oh," Karma said. "So they met?" Amy nodded as they waited at the corner for the crowd to cross to the next block. The walk to Toy 'R Us ( Amy missed FAO Schwartz) and the Disney Store took fucking forever. "Did they, you know, get along?"
Karma really hoped the hope in her voice sounded like she hoped they did and not that Hank had pulled Amy aside before he left and told her that she could do so much better and, in fact, had done so much better even if it was faking it, but maybe now it wouldn't be?
"They did," Amy said with, maybe, a little less excitement than Karma would have expected her to have. "They got along really well. Dad even offered to take us both with him on assignment next summer. He's headed to Brazil or Belize or… something with a 'B'..." She paused again at the next corner. "And then Maisie asked permission...I guess he loved that."
"Permission?" Karma asked as the crowd moved and she got jostled loose from Amy's arm.
"Yeah," Amy said, waiting for her at the edge of the curb. "She asked for permission to propose and she asked my mom too. Even asked Lauren for her blessing, like that would matter."
"And they all said yes," Karma said and Amy nodded and then kept walking, the bustle of the crowd drowning out Karma's voice. "They said yes. So why didn't you?"