On that unseasonably cool September day, Karma really didn't see Amy. There were too many people and she was a week away from getting contact lenses and she wasn't looking for Amy and if she had been and if she had seen her then that guy (whose name Karma doesn't even remember now) wouldn't have stood a chance.
But Karma really didn't see her. She didn't know to look.
The first time she met Maisie, Karma didn't really see her either (at least at first).
She didn't know she had to.
It was a perfectly seasonably warm March day in Cali (like they all were) and Karma had gone to visit Amy over a long a weekend. It had been a total spur of the moment thing, nothing they'd planned or prearranged and if Amy seemed a little (just a little) hesitant, Karma didn't notice, not even when Amy asked… you know… why?
"Can't a girl just get the urge to pop on over and visit her soulmate?" Karma asked over the phone (on her way to the airport with her ticket in hand and her overnight bag resting next to her, all of which made it a little hard for Amy to say no, like she would have anyway.)
"I don't think a cross country flight qualifies as a 'pop over', Karms," Amy laughed and Karma did notice that, did notice that it was that laugh, the one Amy used when she was nervous (a titter instead of a giggle) and she wondered (all through the pre-flight safety lecture and takeoff and right up until the drink cart came around) why exactly Amy was nervous.
Amy lived for her visits.
And.. OK… so maybe the last one hadn't gone as planned. Maybe they'd had one too many drinks (and only one too many because Karma didn't do drunk anymore, not until that weekend and they were still far from that) and maybe they had encouraged each other (as in double dog dares and a whole lot of threats to reveal incriminating pics and videos and stories to college friends) to drunk dial their most recent exes and maybe Reagan (Amy's only ex) and Liam (cause Karma wasn't counting any of her… activities… as exes since, frankly, she wasn't sure she was done with any of them just yet) hadn't appreciated the middle of the night calls full of heavy breathing (Karma) or the drunken blubbering of 'why did you let me go?' and 'I'm pussy exclusive now but not yours and your loss, bitch' (Amy) or the suggestion that their 'equipment might be on the small side (Amy, again, but totally talking to Liam because, as she said, Reagan's 'equipment' had been just right.)
And maybe they'd woken up with the mothers of all hangovers (at least until that weekend) and wondered just what they'd done until Jodi played back the video on her cell of the two of them, huddled in the middle of Amy's bed in nothing but their undies and tee shirts, redialing Amy's cell over and over and over again.
It hadn't been their proudest moment but it was one that would never happen again (especially since Liam and Reagan had both changed their numbers and no, there was no point in asking how Karma knew that) and Amy had to know that and so there was no reason, none at all (that Karma could think of), for her to be nervous about Karma coming to Cali.
But she was and Karma knew it and it was that very thing (Amy's nervous) and maybe a few other… things… (Amy's lack, of Skype,and Amy's quiet, during Skype, and Amy's slow, at returning texts or calls) that had Karma popping over in the first place. Maybe she wasn't her Aunt Sage and maybe she didn't have the ESP or a thorough knowledge of Amy's star chart or a firm grasp of her tarot or her tea leaves or her whatever, but Karma knew when something was up and something was definitely up.
She worried it was Reagan, that after the drunk dials (and before the new number) Amy had reached out again and maybe they'd started talking and maybe now, knowing Amy was (in her words) 'pussy exclusive' (which Karma still wasn't sold on but she couldn't exactly prove that Amy would still… you know… with a guy, not without… you know... a guy... and Amy seemed to have a distinct lack of guys around her right then) had been enough for Reagan.
And that just wasn't going to happen cause non pussy exclusive but still pussy interested Amy hadn't been enough for Reagan and Karma would be damned if she was going to let her come waltzing back in and lay some claim to Amy now that she measured up to whatever biphobic gold star lesbian bullshit standards Reagan had.
It (the the thing that was up with Amy) wasn't Reagan.
Karma worried that maybe it was that last visit, that maybe she'd gone a bit far and pushed a little too hard. She knew Amy hadn't been seeing anyone (not seriously, though Amy had mentioned some… activities… and Karma thought that was healthy if still slightly out of character for Amy) and she'd thought her friend needed a little closure and maybe that would help get her back in the game.
Now, Karma wondered, if she'd forced Amy to go too far too fast and filled her with regret and longing for what she'd once had. If Reagan sauntering back in and claiming Amy for herself was bad (and it so was) then pining and unrequited Amy was worse and Karma worried that she'd created a monster and had only herself to blame.
It wasn't pining or unrequited Amy either.
(It was very much requited and that was going to be a whole other problem.)
Karma worried that… well… she just worried. Amy was nervous about her coming and Amy was being distant and Amy was being… weird… and nervous Amy + distant Amy + weird Amy never ended well (see: Reagan and Communal and Reagan and discovering the lack of pussy exclusivity and - unfortunately - Karma and the pool kiss and the pussy explosions and the summer of hell) and Karma was determined to head this sure to be a fucking mess off at the pass.
And that was why the popover and that was why she wouldn't take no (or even the 'not quite no' Amy tried) for an answer.
"It's just we've got this… thing… I guess Shane would call it a group hang," Amy said. "Me and some of the girls from the dorm and we've been planning it for a while and I can't really bail…"
And Karma saw right through that shit and asked who was coming and Amy ticked off the names (Suze and Becks and Jess and Maisie and Beth and Marti) and Karma hadn't met them all but she'd met most and she was sure they wouldn't mind one more and she totally promised to keep the embarrassing stories to a minimum.
"I won't even mention the yo-yo debacle," she said, "please, Amy, please?"
Amy never stood a chance.
So when Amy (and posse) met her at the airport, Karma might have let the hug linger a little longer than needed (and that was all for Amy, of course) and she might have taken Amy's hand and held it all the way to the car and all the way to the restaurant and all the way to the table and not even noticed the awkward glances or shifting and stuttering steps as the group tried to arrange itself and everyone find a seat. Of course (of course) she sat next to Amy (with no one on the other side cause this wasn't Kale vs. Shrimp II) and then (and only then) did she drop her best friend's hand.
Amy sat at the end of the table, next to Karma and across from Jodi with Jess next to her and with Becks on Karma's other side and Maisie across from Becks. Karma knew Jodi and she'd met Becks and Jess last semester and she chatted with them and laughed with the new girls (or most of them) and she kept bumping her shoulder into Amy and smiling at her and resting a hand on her arm and none of it was out of the ordinary (for them) and Karma didn't think much of it.
She was the only one who didn't.
By the time the second round of appetizers and third round of drinks hit the table there was a tension in the air that even Karma could feel and she'd caught Jodi giving Amy weird looks (like what are you doing and why does she keep touching you weird) and Jess had made a point to turn away from the group and talk almost exclusively with Maisie (and Karma made a mental note to ask Amy later if they were a couple and if Maisie was deaf or a mute or something cause the girl hadn't made a peep since they sat down) and Amy kept inching further and further from Karma.
"Amy, if you scoot any further, you're gonna fall off the bench," Karma said, looping her arm through Amy's. "Get back over here."
She pulled Amy close and Amy tumbled into her and Karma rested her head against the blonde's and mumbled 'that's better' into her hair and that, apparently, was the last fucking straw.
"Amy," Jodi said. "Come on. Not cool."
Jess nodded and turned back to the group. "I thought we talked about this, Amy."
Becks sighed and drained her beer. "I told you," she said. "Group hangs. Kiss of fucking death."
And then Maisie (who Karma had almost forgotten what with her silence and everyone else's sudden issues that she didn't quite get) stood to leave.
It wasn't as dramatic as Reagan bailing on Communal or as stunning as Amy chasing after her and, at first, Karma wasn't even sure the girl was leaving. She could have been going to the restroom or to order more drinks or to buy Jess a rose (cause, seriously, those two were totes fucking adorbs) and it wasn't until Maisie finally spoke that Karma got it.
And it had nothing to do with what Maisie said and everything to do with… well...
"I'm done," she said, softly. So softly that Karma barely heard her and Amy couldn't have, not from her seat, but Amy wasn't in her seat. Karma wasn't sure how she hadn't noticed that but she hadn't, not until Amy was over there and there was next to Maisie and not just next to her but next to her (Jess had cleared out and Karma hadn't seen that either and clearly Amy lived in a dorm full of ninjas.) Amy had a hand on Maisie's shoulder and another on the small of her back and she was whispering in her ear and Amy had that look.
That look. The one Karma had seen in the parking lot outside Communal
Karma, I've got this
and the one she'd seen when Amy came home after the break up and the one she'd seen standing outside a bus next to a kiddie bike.
That look.
The 'shit, this is gonna go badly' and 'I can't believe I fucked up like this' and 'somehow this is all Karma's fault' look.
And the night (the entire night) suddenly replayed in Karma's head. All the little things, like the way everyone kept trying to refuse seats and move away from Amy and how Jodi had tried spinning some bullshit excuse for not sitting on the end. Or the way Becks had tried to convince Karma to ride shotgun instead of in the back with Amy ('don't you want to see the sights?'). Or the way Amy's eyes (which Karma had tried so hard not to stare into) had kept drifting, circling the table but somehow always ending up back on Maisie.
"I thought it was her top," Karma muttered (mostly to herself), because she had, she really had thought it was Maisie's top (cut down to there) and yeah, she'd noticed Maisie too, for a minute and she had to admit the girl was cute and maybe (with a little actual effort with her hair and makeup) she would be more than cute (and no, that didn't remind Karma of anyone) and she'd thought that was all it was.
She thought Amy was checking the girl out and, if she hadn't thought Maisie and Jess were a thing (or a potential thing, at least) Karma might have even encouraged Amy to engage in some… activities… with Maisie.
Clearly, that wasn't encouragement Amy needed.
But then Maisie shook her head and shrugged off Amy's hand and made for the door and she didn't run and she didn't look back and Karma had to give her props. If this was an act to get Amy's attention, it was working like a fucking charm because Amy was chasing after her and Karma was left there, nursing her beer and swimming in the weirdest sense of deja vu.
She shook it off (as best she could) and finished her drink and chatted up Jodi (who was all about NYC guys) and she almost didn't notice (yeah, right) when Amy came back to the table a few minutes later with Maisie in tow.
Their hands were clasped together and Amy's thumb was rubbing small circles on Maisie's skin and no, Karma didn't notice that at all.
"Karma?" Amy asked, leaning over Jodi from behind and hollering just a little to be heard. "Can I… um… we.. talk to you outside for a minute?"
Karma considered, for just a second, asking 'why, whatever for?' and playing dumb, but she didn't and instead she just nodded and followed Amy and Maisie (who, apparently, couldn't walk or talk or do much of anything without Amy touching her) out the door and onto the sidewalk.
"Let's go over there," Amy said, nodding across the street at the small stretch of beach where it was quieter and there were fewer people jostling them to get in or out of the bar. She led them across the pavement to the sand and the noise and the people faded into the background and Karma didn't feel like she was being marched to the gallows even a little.
"Karma," Amy said. "This is Maisie -"
"We met, remember?" Karma interrupted (cause she really wasn't in the mood for some long drawn out Amy-esque explanation and discussion of china patterns and joint checking and 'I was in love with you' and… wait… what the fuck did that have to do with anything?)
Karma's stomach flipped and her palms went clammy and she didn't think it was from the beer.
She tried not to think at all.
"Yeah," Amy said, "I know. But I didn't… I mean… I tried… but everyone was talking… and you were so excited… and there was the hugging and then the walking and it was just all so crazy and -"
"Amy," they (Karma and Maisie) said in fucking unison.
The blonde's head snapped back and forth between them and there was fear in her eyes and Karma almost laughed but not quite and the thought flitted through her mind that, in a different world (one that involved much less touching of Amy - like none at all - she might have liked Maisie.)
"Karma," Amy said. "This is Maisie. My girlfriend. We've been together four months and… "
Karma waited (and so did Maisie) and just when she thought Amy had had some kind of seizure or stroked out or lost the power of speech, the blonde finished the thought.
"We've been together four months and she's met Lauren and she's going home with me on spring break and… " Amy smiled at Maisie (at her girlfriend) and Maisie smiled back and Karma thought she was going to need another beer and then… "And I love her."
Another beer?
Another keg, maybe. Or a bottle of wine just for her, or maybe two, or maybe just a row of shots, lined up along the bar and maybe that good looking bartender, the one with the smokey eyes and the bulge in his pants and maybe maybe maybe
Maybe she just needed to girl the fuck up. For Amy.
"Nice to meet you," Karma said. "Again." And then she took Maisie's hand from Amy's. "We should talk," she said and led the girl off, down the sidewalk, tossing a "We'll be back before last call" over her shoulder as Amy stood there in the sand.
She was nervous. Karma could tell.
She could always tell.
That weekend, a few hours after Amy had absolved her of guilt and then disappeared into the crowd (and say what you want about her, Amy knew how to make an exit), Karma sat in front of her laptop, her finger poised over the key.
This, she knew, was a bad idea. Like maybe the baddest one she'd ever had and that was saying something. But Amy was still… well… wherever the hell she was (it had been three hours and Karma hadn't heard a word and Amy wasn't answering calls or returning texts) and this was all just so…
Fucked up seemed somehow inadequate.
And maybe this was a bad idea (so not maybe) and maybe she'd regret it later but there was already a long list of 'regret it later' from this weekend so what was one more, right? So she hit the button before she could argue with herself anymore and waited. Waited for the call to go through and the screen to light up. Waited for…
"Karma?"
"Hey, Maisie," she said. "We should talk."