Deeper Into Ludicrousness
After that delightfully kindhearted present by such a wonderful individual, Leon finally came to, realizing he was tied up with the man he had freed earlier. Decidedly the Spaniard meant nothing but bad luck: like all the others so far anyway. Kennedy tried to wake him up by slightly pushing him with his own back, to no avail. So he turned his head to the side and yelled into his ear, «CHAINSAW!» That worked out perfectly.
The other man didn't appreciate but it was Leon's very last worry. The Spaniard then looked around, «Ah mierda! Crawl from one shitty stinking place into another….. similar to back then when I was in that detention centre. Plus I'm still tied up! Exactly like when—well, not my best day. Or week, or has it been months of this crap already? »
Leon interrupted him, «Hey we've got to get out of here. Who knows when some more psychos will show up. »
«Well we could always illogically start a conversation seeing we're so defenseless and tied up in such a dangerous place, and wait for the rope to magically dissolve. Or I could use my psykick puwars. »
«…Your what? »
«Psychic powers? »
«…right. Try moving your hands, see if you can free a finger or more. » The next minutes were full of them feeling each other's ass by mistake. Leon sighed, «I'm glad nobody's here to see this…»
«Pff, yeah, especially since I'm a lady's man, so not gay, as in entirely hetero, extremely not attracted to anything resembling a male-»
«Alright I get it, besides why do you persist on having to prove anything? If we don't hurry up we'll die no matter your sexual orientation! »
Luis coughed, « So um, what were you doing before you got stuck in this nightmare?», the cord dug in his wrist which cut his skin open; good since blood pouring out might just be what they presently need to lubricate the knot.
«Used to be a cop, only for a day though…. » said he coolly as if that made him the most awesome man on Earth.
«So not good for any possible job interviews. »
Leon suddenly frowned, «….or was it? More like hours….hell I don't know anymore, it's all a blur, probably because of all the chemicals and putrid flesh I was forced to breathe during the whole time. Perhaps it has to do with the virus, or the giant spiders in the sewers, or that slimy thing that tried to force its way through my throat. »
«... »
«Might have been the mutated dogs, spores from those damn plants —come to think of it, those naked creatures with their brains protruding out, lashing their long tongues about and sucking on the blood of dead people: their saliva dripped on me a few times…. Their eerie low sigh gave me nightmares each night. »
«Errr…...wow, after a day like that, I would have quit too…..whatever it was all about. By the way my name's Luis Sera, used to be-»
Leon didn't care, «Ever heard of the Raccoon-Anus City incident? »
«A raccoon's anus?…. I'm not really into anal. Plus doing that to animals? Well I've never really considered it…»
«…What's wrong with you!? I'm talking about the City, not any of your sick disturbing porn preference! »
« Um, no, I've been working underground for years like a slave for those bastards, all I've been hearing is - never mind that, you don't need to know.»
Luis had been busy talking when Kennedy saw a man enter the room, dragging his weapon behind him. The blond yelled «Axe! »
Sera shook his head, «Heh, you got me once amigo, no need to-! »
The dark-haired man suddenly had his face close to his own crotch when Leon pushed him to have a better angle, using his legs to kick the villager in the knees. This resulted in the attacker falling forward subsequently pulling the axe closer to them, then Kennedy grabbed the man's head with both feet swiftly breaking his neck.
Luis looked to the side his way, «….you're resourceful. »
« Raccoon City survivor: had to be inventive, been in much worse situations. Now let's move closer and cut these damn restraints. »
They did when suddenly Sera got up and started running away, «I forgot my snack in the microwave! »
«Wha—hey wait! », the promptness of the act surprised him and at the same time his radio beeped, thus in the confusion he only managed to cut communication by mistake again. «Well so much for that. », he was standing up when he heard a voice.
«Hey, hey psst! »
Kennedy turned around, now facing a small square window ahead of him. As he walks to it, he gradually hears raspy male giggles; peeking over he sees a guy kneeling there. Leon points his gun on his head, cutting short to the creepy noises, «Enemy or friend? »
The man didn't move, «…ah, err….enemy? »
Safety lock released.
«Just kidding friend I'm a friend! ».
Still aiming, Leon said, «What kind of psycho would make that kind of joke while being held at gunpoint? »
«Me, stranger. »
Kennedy then let the man stand, noticing his attire, «What is in that big bag of yours? »,
«Come over here, I'll show ya. »
The ex-cop eyed the dirty coat suspiciously. The other man read his mind and Leon saw his eyes widen, «Gross, stranger, I'm not going to show you my sausage; I've got real shit to sell!»
«Oh…oh, ok. », Leon walks towards the door.
The other man also steps away from the window muttering, «Freak…»
Kennedy approaches the mysterious man in silence, he has a purple cloth covering his face, it may be better this way judging by the bizarre pattern the fellow has on his skin. Then he opened up his large black coat, «Got some rare s—»
Lots of kitchen materials fell to the ground, making an incredible ruckus. A flock of crows flew off nearby, attracting even more attention on their position. The guy kept his eyes locked on the blond and tossed the objects aside with his feet, saying, «Wrong side…. » Then cleared his throat, now opening his left side, «Got some rare shit on sale, stranger! »
Leon stepped closer and looked at all the equipments, «Well damn it all to Hell or Raccoon-Anus City, you preparing for war? »
«Here, always be prepared, besides that's nothing you should see what I've got in my pants! HAHAHAHA! ». His laughter sounded as if he was being tickled and Kennedy chased the thought away, the other man then stopped abruptly, «Never mind that. What are you buying? »
«Wait I never said I was planning to, you said I could have a look. »
One of the man's eye twitched, «Sorry, old habit. Just look around, stranger; hands off the rear though…. »
Leon's interest halted on a red object poking out the man's chest pocket, without any more thought he reached for it but his hand got slapped away harshly, «Hey! Don't touch that, not for sale; for emergency only. »
«But what the hell is it? »
The coat-man looked around a bit before answering, «Ketchup. »
They both stared again, until the seller's eyes got thinner with paranoia, «I can hear you questioning my sanity, which is something I've lost years ago, gotta admit; but this precious nectar may really save my life someday so I'd appreciate you stop staring at me with those gray-soulless empty eyes of yours. Your zipper's down. »
Leon was about commenting on his own creepy icy-cold gray eyes when the last part hit him; he looked down and quickly zipped his pants. The merchant's eyes hadn't even shifted from the blond's face when he had said all that which made Leon wonder for how long he knew but didn't tell. Again, the other seemed to read his thoughts, «You looked like an idiot with it open and I thought it was funny but it's not anymore which made me reveal my punch line just now. »
Kennedy shifted feet, «…right…Ok so I don't think I am going to buy anything for the moment, but would you? »
«Depends on what you have to sell, stranger. »
«Well first, can you stop calling me that? »
«Pretty boy? »
«Ju-what? No! The hell? »
«Been calling you that in my head this entire time. »
A faint nervous laugh coming from the nearby village was heard from afar before the ex-cop reiterated, «Never mind freak, I meant about "stranger". »
«I see…. »
«…Yeah, it's annoying and quite frankly lack respect; I know I'm not from around here but how would you react if I kept calling you that? »
«….I wouldn't give a shit? » The man didn't blink still.
Leon shifted feet once more, «ok…. So, can you stop? »
«I'm afraid that's impossible, stranger. »
«Why 'impossible'? »
«Because: now what is it you might want to sell? »
«But—»
«You don't want to sell anything then leave; besides the shop's closed for the day. » The man flipped his coat closed and kept his eyes locked into the ex-cop's, it gave Leon the creeps which made him mumble «Doesn't make any sense….»
The other's sole response was to neither make any movement nor sound. The blond then turned around and started walking away, until a song was heard out of nowhere;
"I can hear what you're thinking, all your doubts and fear…"
He turns around and the music stops, yet meeting the staring gaze of the other man whose only answer to it all was further questioning, «What? »
Kennedy kept mute and left quickly.
X++++++++++++++++X
Our nearly-traumatized friend then had to cross another kind of village where crazy pueblos threw dynamites sticks at him, mainly blowing each other up. Leon even ended up in an ambush where they joyfully tossed multiple sticks at him as he hid behind a metal dumpster, his head poking in the material somehow. When the crazies duck he got up and made them explode, then he proved his excellent marksmanship by shooting more inanimate bear traps. There were two furnaces situated nearby and when he opened the small doors he saw a Spinel stored in, he reached in there despite the fire burning his skin and clothes.
He then proceeded through other corridors executing a series of superb headshots, bathed in a small sewer drainage segment of sort and fished out Black Brass with a grenade. Strapping the fishes to his back as they flapped on him still, he ascended a ladder but slipped a few times from wet hands and boots, hitting his chin thus biting down on his tongue.
Not his day, is it.
Well Leon had gotten away from immediate death but was far from safe. He got inside a tiny house and after doing a puzzle meant for a three year old, the door opened so he was allowed within a bedroom. There were portraits of that same gloomy hooded-man he saw earlier in the Village of Madness; the different environment did not improve his looks in the least. Leon moved closer to the bed and started searching under the mattress, after a while he realized that he might be watching too much cliché movies. «Tss, no cash. Or pesetas, whatever they call their filthy money. »
He walked to the door and carefully opened it which gave into a corridor, that's when he heard morons giggling downstairs. Kennedy searched the small cabinet at his left but no cash still, he was starting to feel sad as for he really wanted that bazooka he saw stored in the merchant's pocket. He was thinking about all the inestimable moments he could create with it, everything he could decimate without a flicker of remorse; when unexpectedly some kind of supreme invisible force lifted him from the moldy carpet.
He realized it wasn't any spirit as his eyes met the colossal threat that was holding him by the throat, the same man he had tried to kick earlier. Nothing else could be done but squirm in the giant's tight grip and listen to him talk, though Leon wished he wasn't that horizontally well-placed as for the man's breath smells like cheese. Now Kennedy knows why Luis called him that.
The slightly broken English made the man's words even funnier, «Outsider…despite you currently being inside. Now that you carry the same blood as us, I've got this advice; don't eat burritos. We haven't quite figured out why Las Plagas reacts so badly to it but trust me you don't want to find out how. »
Kennedy's eyes rolled backwards as he gasped for fresh air but the brute wasn't concerned, «But know this, pretty boy, if you become unpleasant to our eyes, or balls; your ass will face dire consequences. I'll see to it personally: and you don't want that. »
The solid hand dropped him and as Leon was busy coughing, the tall man walked back through the door he had come from. «'Same blood'….? Now that's one phrase I didn't want to hear…» The ex-cop was back quickly on his feet and took out his gun ready to pursue his assailant; because he apparently liked being mistreated.
However, he had barely pushed the door open that he got rammed in by what felt like a brick wall pushing him in another wall. The strength of the assault made his finger twitch and pull the trigger twice; piercing the eyes of the man portrayed. There was no time to salute his lucky shots as for he was sent to the floor, a huge feet being pressed on his chest. Not his idea of a fine moment.
Towering him, the bearded man glared at Leon as if he felt like pulling his eyes out and eat his brains; which was probably the case. Fortunately Kennedy will never find out as someone shot his persecutor in the back, only tickling him. Mendez slowly turned around to look at the window, saw someone smiling and then decided it'd be great to just run through it like a maniac. Besides, his skin is so thick he can't get hurt.
The unknown benefactor's smile was wiped off her face and her eyes bulged out; that was the only action she had time to perform before the glass broke, sending shards in her skin and eyes prior to being mercilessly slammed into by a force of nature. Suffice to say the contact with the ground below was twice as painful. No make it three times as painful taking into consideration the broken shards she also landed on.
Kennedy didn't even bother looking down; he had quite enough of the freak hence wanted to be far from here when the bald man would have disposed of that second outsider.
Our lone survivor left that second village and went through a small cavern, going up a ladder he got welcomed by a tiny cemetery and a church. He was about making his way around the house of worship in order to avoid it at all costs, when he got accosted by one of the townspeople. The woman was holding an axe, which is always part of their heart-warming welcoming custom plus she dared call him an imbecile, staring at him cross-eyed no less. Leon didn't know much about Spanish but he was certain she just insulted him, well the woman shouldn't have; one bullet made sure she learned the lesson.
Kennedy circled around the crows staring at his tender flesh, and ran passed the church hastily then started crossing a very decrepit bridge with many planks missing. When some villagers would attempt to jump over to him, he'd just wait for them to be mid-air before shooting them in the face which sent them flying overboard screaming. There was always time to spare into having a bit of fun on a mission.
Skipping over the gap himself with contained merriment, Leon got reunited with an old friend from the previous township, someone holding a chainsaw. However a couple of shotgun shells in the face resolved the little problem. He crossed a door and ended in a place that looked like it was used as a battle arena, though what immediately caught his attention is a crowd of ravens standing in a circle as if performing some dark ceremony. Apparently every creature in this goddamn place is a religious fanatic. Kennedy picked up a flash grenade from his hair and threw it, consequently brain-killing all the birds which dropped a potato each; however none were attached to a cool heartless AI. Afterwards he heard some strange beast growl in the distance and it sounded as if it was constipated. Leon glanced around in wonder and finally decided to just run past the small corpses in horrified uncertainty.
On another path, he tread to a cliff overlooking a huge lake then took his binocular out because, hey, he always had a thing for greenish filthy-looking muddy waters. That's when he saw two villagers discarding another in there. «Hm, must have broken one of the many crazy religion rules; like not repeating their master's name enough times with their weird-ass fanatical love psalm, or refusing to be impaled plus burned alive: god only knows why anyone wouldn't want that….»
He then zoomed out and moved on another location, noticing a group of idiots having some kind of barbecue party on kayaks. They drank shitty cocktails and loud Spanish music was playing from an old radio; some of them were slapping each other's ass. «Different customs…..weird still. » Further to his right he came eye to eye with another guy, who just happened to be watching him directly with binoculars too. Leon quickly lowered his, «Even weirder. »
He continued his intriguing adventure down the path around the lake, passed the small dock and peeked at the skeletons floating all around it. «Nope. » Thus turning around: he liked lakes but there were some fucking limits; this time it seemed like a rather sane and safe idea to just walk away. Besides, he may look blond but he used to be a redhead, with bright blue eyes even instead of gray; makes you wonder what the hell happened. Just some other ''side effects of the T-Virus'', CAPCOM would say….
So the ex-cop would just walk around the Lake of Doom instead, crossing a path with a sign that reads "SAFER THROUGH HERE". Leon figured the villagers must not understand English else they wouldn't have ventured on that sea of bones with the hungry giant monster lurking in it. «Pff, amateurs», he scoffed before tripping and rammed his face in the mud on his way down. When he ripped his visage from the sludge, night had fallen. Incredulous, Kennedy looked around. «…what, in the…..» Then a pack of mutated wolves circled him, tentacles protruding from their backs. Not to worry, the expert decimated the lot with his shotgun then reloaded promptly «Well that could have been problematic…if I wasn't the pro that I am. » He ran passed a dead creature and got whipped by one of its appendages which made him stumble to his right groaning. He was glad no one saw that.
Kennedy had to go back to that arena-place but before doing so he visited a certain underground secret area next to it. He found out the merchant had built himself a comfortable spot where he could eat fish to his heart's content and even bats if he felt like it. Leon eyed the giant collection and said, «Who did you have to kill in order to get all this?»
The unconcealed gray eyes fixed on him, «If I told you I'd have to kill ya. »
«…I guess that answers my question. »
Kennedy broke some barrels with his forehead but before he could leave the merchant called out «Hey! That'll be twenty pesetas each! »
«…Twenty for each single coins? Surely you're kidding. »
«Do I have the eyes of someone who's jokin'? » Leon could have just run away, what could this guy have done anyway; shot him in the back with the full arsenal he's got at his disposition? Probably yes, though it would have been bad for business. But being a good guy Kennedy just tossed him the coins and left. When the blond was far enough the merchant chuckled, «Outsiders, so gullible…»
Back outside away from this robbing merchant, Kennedy had a bad feeling as he walked pass the wooden gates, not only the scenery was depressing but the smell of feces seemed much worse than before. It made him sneeze, «Damn it, when I get out of here I'll definitely have to burn all my clothes and undergo a treatment with acid for my skin. », saying this, a huge door opened at his right. Twelve villagers were talking nonsense in Spanish while pulling something with ropes, soon it became clear that they had no control over the situation, like usual. After a 'Mierda!' from one of them, the giant monster broke the doors down and decimated them all with great drama; when it tried its hand at Kennedy though it turned out less easy. That angered the beast which screamed in the man's face sending disgusting gooey shit all over him.
Leon executed a back flip avoiding the huge hand of the El GiganTits, which only annoyed the monster some more making it spread the content of his mouth everywhere again. Kennedy chocked on the fetid stench though promptly showing the beast who's boss by taking a handful of dirt and throwing it in the monster's eyes, allowing the parasite controlling it from protruding out its back. Leon eyed it, «Ha! Didn't see that coming, did you?...», he ran up its back and was about cutting the sickening protuberance when something distracted him. A black circle with an X on it appeared right before his eyes making him blink in wondering, that sufficed to allow the fiend in regaining its senses, Leon was grabbed and mercilessly thrown on the ground, ribs fracturing.
Shoving the nozzle of an Aid Spray in his right nostril, he got back up and grabbed his shotgun, «You oversized Spaniard…», aiming at the grotesque head he started shooting when he heard an awful noise. In fact it was a feline shrieking in the night; Leon looked over at the hill and recognized the animal. «No way, it's that damn cat I left to die though it obviously survived; how the hell do they always manage that…? » The animal jumped down and seemed proud about its little energetic display until it got immediately crushed under a giant foot, the monster lifted its limb and Leon saw the remnants separate between the ground and its skin.
«Even it can't survive that. », he resumed his firing and brought the slimy parasite out once more, shooting cartridges at it until the ogre screamed in pain lifting arms to its head. Kennedy cocked his shotgun and leaped aside avoiding the falling giant, then picked up the 15000 golden bars it left behind before concealing it in his underwear. Feeling quite proud of himself he walked back to the gate, though it leveled in his stomach and tore his shirt in many places, face included. Just one of those times when you're glad no witnesses were around.
Author Note: below is one among many links to my fun videos on RE4; plus more RE games in that folder. Browse through the rest of the folders too for additional games, name is De Void:
1- The Pro (Joking, pt1 of 11)
watch?v=rtODD9v4TLE