Vacation Required
A wild tune suddenly started as a missile flew over his head and hit a turret, killing the idiot operating it plus sending debris of many things raining all around; some other villagers got dirt and body parts in their eyes as they stared at the sky smiling from the show. Then a clamor came from Leon's radio hanged on his belt. «BOOH YEAH! Goddamn scumbags with moldy STD's full of squirrel's shit! »
Holding a finger to his ear and wearing his most-happy face, our infiltrator stared at the chopper, «Once we get out of here, marshmallows are on me! »
«Hell yeah I know a good brand! »
The ex-redhead then proceeded into eradicating everyone with his weapon of mass destruction hidden who knows where, helped with missiles of doom from the sky which frankly weren't much help at all.
«FUCK YEH, take that you ignorant pieces of feces mixed in with piss and semen! HAHAHA! »
Leon swept the area with the barrel of his gun, though looking quite uncertain, «…ah, alright, good job….! »
«Geez yeah, now you gotta pay the food too; I know a couple of restaurants we can go to: all in one day! »
«Y-yeah, okay.»
Couple more rounds later expertly delivered from our hero, another missile nearly missed him, again. The radio screeched, «Take cover away!»
The ex-cop shot a glare upward, «Aren't you supposed to say that before you fire?»
«Fuckity fuck YEAH, they're getting decimated alright! Once we're done here, we can go to my place and rub our cock together with oil!»
Leon's ankle suddenly twisted, missed a step and fell down the ladder he was descending; his gun went off accidentally making a hole in his leg. «GAaRRrRGGHH! »
«Hey, don't get over excited down there; it's a promise!»
«Ffffff….…..uuuckkk.»
Leon grabbed some First Aid Spray from his bottomless pouch but it released in his eyes before he could apply it on his wound, «Fucking shitI hate it when it does that!»
«OOOoOooOOHHHH YEAH! » The radio shrieked and Leon felt like doing the same but for a completely different reason...
Minutes later he arrived at another location, still followed in the air by his retarded guardian angel, until a massive amount of possessed villagers showed up from behind barrels. Apparently they were throwing a welcoming party for them both, and it involved holding a bazooka and pointing it at the chopper in supreme joy.
While the engine exploded and painted the sky with new colors, Leon shot them all in the face like a pro and ran to the edge of the hill to look down at the smoking debris. «…So much for that…I wonder why I feel relieved….»
Then he left, unaware that below the fuming carcass, the poor pilot was still alive. «…..so many delicious promises…..w h y…..!?»
His body suddenly went up in flames followed by a second violent explosion.
So gratuitously hilarious.
X++++++++++++++X
Damn he could use some big juicy steak right now; he was famished as hell so much he was frantically destroying every barrel he came across in search for a snack. Although it became the least of his problem when he walked through a door and started having spasms, his eyes turning red; say hello to baby Las Plagas.
Ada walked in at that instant; she always seemed to stumble upon the nicest moments, like every other time back then as well. «Listen, we could always work together if you want-»
Kennedy swiftly turned and took hold of her neck, now smiling like a simple-minded with bloodshot eyes. And he was squeezing to kill because in his fever he was actually thinking back on all those times Ashtray had gotten on his nerves.
Wong didn't want to kill him though and waste such a palatable brain and body, so she only trusted her pocket knife into his leg before sending her knee in his diaphragm. Las Plagas or not, that always hurt; Leon moved away from her, panting. She looked his face over, «Fine, let's split up.», and left through another door.
Near death experiences always prove to be convincing enough.
Minutes later Kennedy located his nightmare once more, which was being held in a cryogenic capsule. Too bad he couldn't keep her that way.
Sadder showed up behind him with his sickening stick apparently always so overjoyed. «You'll soon harbor an AWESOME POWERRRR, yet it seems you'd rather choose a very excruciating and inopportune death…you might have upset me; if I was capable of emotions. Why do you struggle against your majestic fate? »
«Rather die free than become someone's whore. »
«Ahh, the audacity of youth… or foolishness! But isn't being employed by your government already a form of soiled slavery? » he thrust-hit Leon who was sent flying against the capsule which cracked the glass. Ada appeared at that point from up above at a safe distance from both men and possible strangulation, she opened fire at UsMundane. Her TMP, which stands for Terrible Mauling Power, had no effect though. The bullets penetrated the target but only to travel underneath his skin before being ejected by his hands; a nice trick indeed. Ammo-eater looked at her, «Your tickling amuses me…»
Ada's eye grew bigger «Leon, now! » Apparently Kennedy didn't learn his lesson and executed a spin kick but the leader stopped his motion then smacked him, he stumbled holding his jaw. Wong yelled «No damn it, take the girl and leave! » It really was about time since Ashtray had started regurgitating on his shoulder, just like a newborn. Wong Wing started shooting at Sadder again trying to create a diversion, then she opened fire at some conveniently well-placed barrels, now blocking the way.
UsMundane turned to her slowly, «Ahh, you entertain me, let me show you my gratitude. »
He swiftly lunged at her from below and she dodged his sharp appendage; looking at the oily limb as it retracted from under his robe she said «There are things in this world better off not knowing… this is one of them. » If bad-ass Krauser was still alive he'd say ''Just try to have fun.'' But no, he died; perhaps the use of too many flash grenades deteriorated his intellectual capacities in the end.
X++++++++++++++X
While Aid-ah had some fun, Leon pulled the teen along as he ran. Ashtray's eyes were still frozen but it's not like she ever used them so he just led the way, he ran into a kind of small laboratory and figured the equipment could be used to eliminate the parasites. He wasn't about letting her ''help'' him so he typed on the console himself and sat down, the process seemed painful and Ashtray secretly enjoyed watching him writhe and moan in there. Then it was her turn, Leon operated the machine but since she moved too much the device also removed one or two more organs; Kennedy didn't deem it necessary to voice the small details.
They ran towards a lift, well Leon did as his burden dragged in the mud behind him; then he shot a glance upward, his brows narrowing «…something's not right… and it's not just the goddamn smell either. »
The teen removed her face from the soil, «What's wrong? Did you also lose your gut on that chair? »
He turned around and sent his elbow in her face dropping her down, «You're what's wrong; stay here. » and on that he boarded the lift going up.
He found Ada held by a rope in mid-air plus bored Cult Leader who was calmly eating a cheeseburger nearby, reading a spiritual magazine. Leon looked up at the woman, «It's unlike you to sleep on the job. »
She opened her eyes, «Despite some rumors, I don't enjoy bondage; cut me loose. »
Kennedy hurled his knife which did cut the rope but the fall broke both her legs; let's underline that the goddamn useless heels didn't help to secure safe landing either. UsMundane started laughing; the blond looked his way with resentment, «What's so funny?»
«She's out of healing medicine! »
«…shit! »
«Not to worry, I'll help you both die…» on that he transformed, Leon stepped backward as he followed Sadder's mutation over his head. Meanwhile Ada dragged herself on the floor towards sexy butt cheeks and started to grope it, Kennedy shot a glance back at her, «This is hardly the best time to get better acquainted with each other! »
«Keep fantasizing, I only need an aid spray. »
«In that case search the front pocket. », he grinned.
However she merely said, «It might work on that brainless teen but not me. », Wong retrieved what she wanted from his bottomless pouch and sprayed it over her legs before running away again.
Leon's face darkened, «Hey! A little help here!? » he got rammed in the stomach by a hard appendage before his skull hit the metal floor. «Goddamn… not-so-much Aid-ah…»
Kennedy fought the monstrous leader with his knife, because he likes those kinds of odds, he also dodged several materials thrown his way plus played suicidal over folding bridges. A few minutes later he heard Conniving-Wong once more, «Here, use this! » then a bazooka landed near him and fortunately didn't explode upon impact, which would have been slightly problematic….
He gave her questioning eyes, «Where in the hell do you always get your arsenal!? »
«You're one to talk! », she pulled a crossbow out of her bra.
Happy-blond grabbed the weapon while quickly noticing the inscription that was written in black on it ''Special Rocket'', probably because it has a red tip which contains anti-matter designed specifically to annihilate mutated cult leaders….
Kennedy aimed and fired, Sadder didn't see it coming, most likely because he had knives stuck in each of his five eyes. The rocket made him explode into multiple fuming pieces consequently Leon received an eyeball in the face again, of course he did. He spat some unspecified liquid, «Yuck! This is starting to become a goddamn habit…! » Surprisingly, despite blowing up everywhere, the sample UsMundane had been holding was just fine. Leon picked it up but soon after Ada kicked it out of his hand to have it. Leon grimaced, «Aaaaand that's the same arm you shot earlier, care to explain? »
She grinned then ran, jumped off a ledge amazingly avoiding being chopped to pieces by the helicopter's blades showing from below; one more proof she's taking extreme risks. Wong Wing moved to the cockpit before saying, «I need no chaperon. » shoving the pilot off board.
Leon stared «…she really pushed him…»
«If I were you I'd get off this island too, Krauser planted C4 everywhere; you have two minutes left. See you around! » on that she left.
«... YOU COULD AT LEAST HAVE GIVEN ME A RIDE! …Damn it…! » he ran passed Sadder's corpse and picked up the bloody gold bars before hurrying back down.
Ashtray quickly stopped scratching her ass when she heard the lift, her distraught savior got out and sped past her «Bomb run now! »
An elementary sentence, something she could understand. However she did wonder why there were unspecified red-carbonized things dangling off him.
They were descending a ladder when Leon glanced upward only to make sure she was following. It resulted in her opening her damn mouth again, «AHH! You pervert! »
Kennedy slid down the rest of it, «Don't flatter yourself…», and swept the area with his gun. He certainly felt like shooting something but nothing was in the vicinity; noting he actually was allowed to. There was a puddle at his left which he eyed dreamily; how it would have helped to just drown her in there. He shook his head, refocusing.
«What are you doing, didn't you say there was a bomb!? »
«Just got tempted for a second, now hurry! » He yanked at her arm almost dislocating it; no way would he die here because of her inaptitude at everything.
They sprinted some more until Leon found his only means of get away, the always optimistic and cheerful spirit cracked once more. He blinked then cursed loud enough that it made Ashtray jump. «DAMN IT ALL TO FUCKING HELL, you must be fucking kidding me! » a vein pumped at his temple as he shoved her in there, breaking her legs from his angered motion and persistency.
«Leon it hurts! »
Now let's see how Scott manages as he races against time while trying to paddle in a kayak…..The whole joyride, he cursed Krauser and his addiction with explosion devices, plus Wong Wing who was constantly just leaving him, then he cursed the entire village who lacked proper technologies. Next he ordered Ashtray to shut up several times as she complained he kept sending saline water in her face which burned her eyes.
X+++++++++X
The sweaty and dirty man was now some hard-ass hero, had saved Ashtray twenty-seven times over, demolished everything in sight on that island of Hell, and prevented them both from being blown up plus killed by a gigantic wave.
«We did it Lee-on! »
His brows narrowed plus his head darted to the right, «I, I did it. » never had he been so pissed and hungry.
They were now moving on the ocean, Ashtray holding his waist from behind, «So… after we're back to my place, how about a pajama party but naked-? »
Leon abruptly turned and pushed her overboard then promptly left. Well, as fast as a kayak permits it. His lips were severely forced into a thin line as he glared at the horizon, not blinking.
To give up his mountain of money so close form the goal… well, that last demand had been more than he could have ever endured. Screw having the dream of having a dream; there were some goddamn limits. Back on dry land he'd just drive to Claire's and share a good steak with her; or thirteen in his case. For once since this whole nightmare started, a real smile of content graced his dirtied up features. Perhaps Lay-On Scott-Towel Keen-Eddie wouldn't turn into a homicidal maniac after all, his positive character would return once his appetite would be satiated. That is after he's taken showers of acid and slept during two months, and he won't suffer from depression if he never hears of Ashtray Graham-Cookies ever again.
Somewhere on the ocean, his name was being relentlessly called, yelled over and over. Until something gigantic that had escaped the putrid wastes converged on the girl's position. She turned her head around when some music was triggered, followed by ripples coming her way. A square button did show up right in front of her face but the lack of a remote sealed her doom; thus granting the big-ass giant lake monster with one more meal. It better savor its snack because a pack of ravenous killer whales smelled the blood of feast and were coming for its own flesh; there was going to be an impressive celebration.
You always find a bigger threat than you.
X++++++++++++++X
Somewhere in a darkened room, a certain black woman with glasses was weeping. She had just lost her job, she did try to explain that the radio they gave Kennedy was malfunctioning and that it was in no way linked to her lack of skills; but they wouldn't hear it. They even called her 'utterly useless', and they were right. She tore the pages of that Playing Manual and blew her nose in it once more.
Poor performance, indeed. Albert Wesker would have said, only if he were there; but he's off somewhere in a secret location, eating Danish. Now that's a good performance.