CHAPTER FOUR
Alex had to wait for most of the afternoon before Kara came to her room, and it gave her ample time to think about what she was going to say. Yet when the blonde arrived, wearing her Supergirl outfit but looking so very 'Kara', most of the words fled from her mind.
"J'onn said something about you needing me to help move your bed because you want to face the door and the wheels are stuck?" Kara said, turning the statement in to a question with the slight lilt in her voice.
It was all Alex could do not to roll her eyes and shake her head.
"Okay, first, remind me to get J'onn a book on plausible excuses. Second, do you really think that's why I wanted him to send you in here?"
Kara shrugged and the small motion set of Alex's protective instincts almost instantly. Her face softened and she patted the bed beside her hip.
"C'mon over here and sit down."
"Umm... there's a chair, right here," Kara said, indicating the seat which had been moved a good four feet from the bed.
"Yes, but I want you closer than that. I want to be able to hold my sister's hand. So you comin' over here or are you going to make me sad?" Alex asked, giving her best hang-dog expression.
Of course Kara couldn't resist and moved to gingerly sit down beside the other woman.
"Are you sure this isn't hurting you?" she asked timidly. "It looked like you were in a lot of pain before."
Kara's eyes only flitted to her sister's briefly, but it was enough for Alex to see how heavily the guilt was resting on those physically strong yet still figuratively fragile shoulders.
"The doctors gave me some great new meds, and I'm feeling much better. They want to hold me for another two days for testing, but you know me; I'll be outta here by tomorrow."
"You should let them do what they need to do," Kara said, tone infused with sadness and remorse. "They saved your life, you know."
Alex moved her hand to cover Kara's and squeezed as hard as she could, which she knew from experience was what her sister needed.
"Look at me, Kara," she said and then waited for those blue eyes to rise to meet hers. "YOU saved me. You got there before anyone else. You kept Non distracted enough so that he didn't cause me more pain - "
"But he did cause you pain! Right there in front of me, just to prove a point!"
"No, Kara, he could have done much worse. Until you got there he'd barely turned the machine off except to keep me from passing out. You kept him talking and then you refused to escape when he gave the the chance and then you went and stabbed yourself just to throw him off balance!"
Kara lowered her eyes and shrugged one shoulder deprecatingly. "I wasn't really sure that would work, but I knew the kryptonite had already weakened me too much to win in a fair fight."
"Yeah, since when did Non ever do anything fairly?"
"Even if I helped to free you, that doesn't change the fact that you never would have been there if not for me. Every bad thing in your life has been because of me. You had to share your room and your parents with some strange alien kid. You got hurt trying to protect me even way back then. You lost your father - because of me. Because he was trying to keep me safe. And now look. Your whole life is dedicated to protecting me. Helping me. When you shouldn't even be here! You should be in some safe lab somewhere, winning the Nobel Prize and writing books that college biology geeks swoon over." She tried to infuse some humor at the end of her outburst, but it fell flat when she sniffled and pressed her hand to her mouth to stifle a quiet sob.
"Hey!" Alex moved her hand from Kara's grip and instead used it to shake the woman. "Hey, you listen to me!" she said forcefully. "You're right. That day you dropped into my world, I wasn't exactly the happiest girl on Earth. But that's because I was just a selfish, self-centered teenager. And Kara, before long I started looking back on that day as the best one of my life. I protected you because I loved you. I still love you, and I ALWAYS will. That never changes. Yes, your presence has helped direct the course of my life, but I see that as a good thing. I'm where I'm meant to be." She paused to raise one eyebrow before saying, "Besides, you've seen me kick ass. Do you really think I'd be happy in a lab all day long? I'm doing something few people even know about and making a real difference. Maybe not as big a difference as Supergirl," she teased, "but don't go knocking it."
Kara shook her head. "You make a much bigger difference than Supergirl," she said. "Because without you there wouldn't even be a Supergirl."
The admission brings a shy smile to Alex's face but she shakes her head. "Nothing could have kept you from being the hero you were born to be," she says softly, "and I'm just grateful every day that I get to be here to see it."
Kara sniffles again, struggling to keep her tears in check because she knows they would only upset her sister. "I just wish that being here didn't mean being hurt."
"I'll heal, Kara. I will. It may take a little while but I know you'll be with me to help."
"I know J'onn wouldn't tell me everything so I asked the doctors myself. They said you could have seizures or memory loss or mood swings," she said haltingly, "and they aren't sure if they'll be able to remove the pacemaker."
"Those are all things we can work through."
Kara took a deep breath and released it slowly while she closed her eyes and found Alex's hand again. Stroking it gently and then giving a gentle press.
"He can't hurt you again," she said, eyes still closed, head bowed. "That's something, at least."
"I know," Alex said. "J'onn told me. I'm sorry you had to do that."
Kara's eyes shot open and almost flashed fire.
"I'm not!" She said vehemently. "I should have killed him a long time ago."
"No, Kara. That's not you and I know you aren't really glad that you killed Non."
"Yes I am."
Alex just looks at her, really looks at her, and waits. It only takes a few seconds for Kara's face to crumble and the angry tears she's probably been holding in for two days to begin to make paths down her pale cheeks.
"I hated him," she cried, "I hated him and everything he's ever done in the past. I hated him for being a willing partner for my aunt. And I hated him more for hurting you. I wanted to just pound him into dust when I saw you there and heard you scream. So why does this still hurt so much?"
As usual, she turned her pleading eyes to her sister, knowing that in this case, as in all others, she would be her anchor and her reason.
"Because killing is not a part of who you are, Kara," Alex said softly, and she drew her closer and closer still until the blonde woman's was neatly curled into her side with her head resting on her shoulder. "It never has been and it never will be. This doesn't change that. It's a blip on the radar. I necessary evil. But it doesn't define you now. It doesn't. Please believe me.
Kara haphazardly swiped at her eyes as her ragged breathing began to slow, and she allowed herself the comfort of human contact; the most important contact she'd had since landing on Earth fourteen years before.
"I believe you, Alex. You know I always believe you."
"Good thing," Alex quipped, her eyes beginning to grow heavy, both from emotional exhaustion and the weight of the painkillers flowing through her system. "Big sisters always know best. Don't forget that."
With a slight tilt of her head, Kara saw that Alex was falling asleep, and she allowed a brief smile to cross her lips as her own eyelids fluttered. She could rest here for a few more minutes. Then she'd move and give Alex her space.
"You know I never forget anything you say," she said quietly, and a few moments later, sleep had claimed her.
J'onn found them that way an hour later and while he didn't exactly smile, his face lost some of the tension that was almost always present. He dimmed the lights before stepping back out of the room, thankful that it looked like things were going to be just fine.