A/N: The anonymous review "A Shyguy" asked for a version of "F*** tha Police" by N.W.A. Even though it's not a genre I listen to on my own time, Mario characters bustin' out gangsta rap was too amusing a prospect to pass up, so here ya go. I cut down on the overt swearing so that I can in good consciousness leave the story with a T rating (and indulge in my newly-formed headcanon that "turtle" is a slur against Koopas), but the f***s are mainly done as part of the lulz since we all know what they're really saying. Note that italic parts are spoken, and the regular font it rapped.
F*** tha Plumbers
[Kamek]
Right about now, Koopa Troop court is in full effect
Judge Bowser presiding
In the case of Koopa Troop vs. the Mario Brothers;
Prosecuting attorneys are: Koopa, Goomba and Hammer-motherplumbin'-Bro.
[Bowser]
Order, order, order
Goomba, take the levelgrindin' stand.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth
and nothin' but the truth so help your mushy ass?
[Goomba]
You Stars-damn right!
[Bowser]
Well won't you tell everybody what the shell you gotta say?
[Goomba]
F*** the plumbers warpin' up from underground
A young mushroom got it bad cause I'm brown
And not all polka-dotted, so plumbers think
They have the authority to squash a minority
Screw that shit, cause I ain't the mook
For a red lever-grinder with a cap and a boot
To be walked upon, and thrown in pits
We can go toe to toe before the Star Spirits
Stompin' on me cause I'm with the Troopas
With a little loyalty for the Koopas
Searchin' my bod, lookin' through my stuff
Thinkin' every mushroom is packin' power ups
You'd rather see me squashed flat
Than me and Kuribos marchin' like we're all that
Knock a plumber off the wall
And when I'm finished, bring a wrecking ball
To smash the castles spire by spire
Still gettin' killed by feet and fire
I don't know if they cheat or what
Chase a mushroom down and grabbin' chestnuts
And on the other hand, without a star, they can't get none
But don't let it be a flat and quiet one
Cause they'll slam ya down to the stage floor
Goomba shills teamin' up with the plumber
This Goom will crawl
On ANY levelgrinder with them blue overalls
Just cause I'm from the Dark Land streets
Green plumber is afraid of me!
HUH, a young mushroom on the warpath
And when I'm finished, it's gonna be a vimbath
Of Toads, dyin' with no save
Bowser, I got somethin' to say
F*** the plumbers
F*** the plumbers
F*** the plumbers
F*** the plumbers
- Example of scene one: Mario Kart -
[Mario] Pull your green-shelled-ass over right now!
[Koopa] Aww shit, now why the hell you Red Shellin' me for?
[Mario] Cause it's-a me, Mario! Just drop your ride off the bridge and shut the hell up.
[Koopa] Man, screw this shit!
[Mario] Aight smartass, I'm kickin' you from this race!
[Bowser]
Green Koopa, will you please give your testimony
To the jury about this glitched up incident?
[Koopa]
F*** the plumbers – Koopa said it with authority
Because the turtles on the street is a majority
A troop, is with whoever I'm marchin'
And the motherplumbin' weapons are kept in
A Green Shell, for the big hero
Wishin' I was a turtle he could stomp and go
Fires start flashin' behind me
But he's scared of a turtle so he shells me to spin me
But that shit don't work, I pop out
Because it gives him a hint, not to kick me about
For plumber, I'm sayin', "Stomp you Red!"
Usin' our shells and shit, you're so dead!
Pullin' out a fireball, so you race
In your balanced kart with a 'stache on your face
But put down the items, so you can see what's fair
And we'll go at it, Red, and I'ma beat you there!
Make you think I'ma gonna drive
But drop your 'shroom and shell's gonna slide
I'm marchin' all straight for invasion time
But I'ma smoke you now, and on a dime
Shell any levergrinder that stomps me
Or any asshole that will kick me
I'm a pinball with a shiny green shell
Takin' out a red or green, they can't dwell on me
The level crawlin' turtle who's bad
Got potential, to get really mad
So I'ma a spin it around
Pull in my shell, yo, and this is the sound
Boom Boom! Yeah, somethin' like that
But it's not just bosses knockin' heroes back
Takin' out a plumber, would make my day
But a turtle like me don't give a shell to say,
F*** the plumbers
F*** the plumbers
F*** the plumbers
F*** the plumbers
- Example of scene two: Luigi's Mansion -
*Mario and Luigi knock on the door*
[Hammer Bro.] Yeah man, what do you need?
[Mario] It's-a-me, Mario! Open now!
[Hammer Bro.] Aww shit!
[Luigi] We have a warrant for Hammer Bro.'s arrest
[Mario] Get down and put your mallets where I can see 'em!
([Luigi] Move, mama mia, move now!)
[Hammer Bro.] What the hell did I do, man, what did I do?
[Mario] Just shut the hell up and get your skinny, checkered shell on the floor!
([Luigi] You heard my bro, shut the hell up!)
[Hammer Bro.] But I didn't do shit!
[Mario] Just-a shut the hell up!
[Bowser]
Hammer Bro., won't you step up to the stand
And tell the jury how you feel about this bullshit?
[Hammer Bro.]
I'm tired of the motherplumbin' jackin'
Sweatin' my bros while I'm chillin' in the keep, and
Shinin' their flames in my face, and for what?
Maybe it's because I kick so much butt
I throw true – or maybe 'cause I jump
On a stupid-ass brother when he's tryn'a run under
My hammers, blockin' the way
Cause the plumbers always got somethin' stupid to say
They run through my levels in silence
Cause my projectiles, and my jumps, bring the violence
The bros with the criminal behaviour
Yeah, I'm a brother, but still I got flavour
Without a star and a cape, what do ya got?
A loser in some overalls, waitin' to get caught
By me, or another turtle
And with hammers it don't matter if your bigger or smaller
[Koopa] 'Shrooms ain't shit, he's from the old school, fool
[Hammer Bro.] And as you all know, bro's here to rule
Whenever I'm throwin', keep watching' the horizon
And ears on cue, yo, for someone tryin'
Dumb levelgrinders with their games
And if I'm jumpin' down that way, they'll be the flames
That I blow out, and then get away
While I'm jumpin' off laughin', this is what I'll say,
F*** the plumbers
F*** the plumbers
F*** the plumbers
F*** the plumbers
- The verdict -
[Bowser] The jury has found you guilty of bein' a red-capped, pipe-hoped, 'shroom-snortin' levelgrinder.
[Mario] Wait, that's-a lie! That's a Star-damned lie!
[Bowser] Get him out of here!
[Mario] I want justice!
[Bowser] Get him the hell out of my castle!
[Mario] I want justice!
[Bowser] Out, right now!
[Mario] Stomp you, you shelled motherplumberrrrrrs!
[Koopa Troop]
F*** the plumbers
F*** the plumbers
F*** the plumbers