one of the worst weeks i have had in a long time. i apologize for the lack of update, and i appreciate you guys being so patient with me! S/O to my brother for editing and helping me work out ideas for the next many, many chapters! and S/O to all my new twitter friends! i love talking to them and (hopefully XD) they like talking to me too!and thank all of you for your support, favs/follows/reviews...you guys are COMPLETELY epic!
(i know that i'm several days late but, THAT CHEEK KISS IN THE EPISODE THIS WEEK, THOUGH! 3)
ok, this chapter is a big dose of Max Gentry angstiness so fair warning! But i really wanted to show how much trouble Deeks has with being Max, and his thoughts about eventually getting back to Leo and Kensi after having to be Max!
i hope you guys enjoy it!
Chapter 18
"Leo! Dinner's ready!" Kensi called, peaking her head down the hallway towards the little boy's room before turning back and going into the kitchen.
"Otay, Kens!" Leo called back, and suddenly Kensi heard two little feet and four paws running through the apartment.
She smiled and shook her head, stirring the macaroni –Kensi's latest culinary achievement, thanks to Sam. Leo's excitement reminded her so much of Deeks.
It'd been two weeks without him now.
All the time she had without him only emphasized how much she liked having him around. It also made Kensi think about how much time they'd wasted dancing around and around their "thing". They both knew it was there, and she felt really stupid for waiting so long to realize what she wanted.
All Kensi wanted was him.
Leo was an added bonus that was quickly becoming a vital part of the Deeks package.
Speaking of, Kensi laughed lightly to herself as the little boy ran into the kitchen, bouncing up and down on his feet; eager for whatever Kensi had prepared.
"You ready to eat, baby boy?" She asked, grabbing two plates from the cabinet.
"Oh yea!" Leo grinned.
She smiled as she made their plates and poured him some milk to drink, and Leo tugged gently on her pant leg.
"Kens, can we eat in dah libing woom?" He inquired sweetly, giving her his best set of puppy dog eyes.
The federal agent absolutely melted under his precious gaze. "Sure we can." As if she could deny the little boy anything when he gave her that face.
Leo cheered happily and ran into the living room with Monty, both of them jumping up onto the couch and settling in; waiting for Kensi to bring the food. She carefully followed him with everything they needed, and set it all down on the coffee table as she grabbed the remote.
"Already, so what are we feelin' like watching?" Kensi asked.
"Scooby Doo!" Leo exclaimed.
As Kensi turned the cartoon on, she felt a small ache in her chest. The show made her concentrate on the Shaggy character. Which led her back to her Shaggy character. She smiled slightly, holding in her laughter at how much the two looked alike. Leo quickly scarved down his food before snuggling into Kensi's side, Monty's head in his lap.
Apparently, she wasn't the only one who was reminded of Deeks by watching the show; Leo suddenly spoke up and broke the trance Kensi was in.
"I miss my daddy..." He said sadly.
Kensi frowned and put her place on the coffee table, running her hand soothingly through his hair. "I know you do, sweetie. I miss him too..." She replied softly.
Leo was quiet for a moment, before he turned his head to look up at Kensi. "Kens, where you daddy at?" He asked.
She tensed slightly, a whole new wave of sadness washing over her. Kensi absent mindedly reached towards her necklace that she'd yet to take off, fingering the precious dog tag once belonging to her father.
"My daddy... he went to Heaven when I was a lot younger." She finally told him. Kensi had chosen her words carefully, not exactly sure what all the little boy did and did not know about these sorts of things.
"My daddy says that Heaven is a weally good place wiff all you family. So you daddy is pwobabwee happy!" Leo told her, a small smile on his face.
Kensi couldn't believe how genuinely sweet he was; but then again, he was Deeks' son, the woman mused. Deeks was a very sweet person at heart too. Kensi suddenly wanted to talk about her father to Leo, hoping to give him another good role model in his life.
"My daddy was a really good man, just like yours." Kensi told him.
"Was he a super hewo too?" Leo asked in awe.
She thought for a moment. "He was a different kind of hero. But yeah, he was."
Kensi tugged her necklace out from its' hiding place under her shirt and drew his attention to the dog tag. "This belonged to my dad. The kind of hero he was, they wore these. Kind of like when your daddy has his badge." Kensi explained.
Leo thought for a moment. "Ohh..." He said finally, nodding his understanding. "So was he a better-er super hewo than my daddy?" He asked.
Kensi paused. "Well... um..." She trailed off, thinking. "I'm not really sure; they're both really great heroes. They could be partners, how about that?" Kensi smiled slightly.
Leo immediately objected. "No. You's my daddy's parnner. He say so. Daddy say he no want anudder parrner but you!" The little boy smiled.
Kensi couldn't help but smile at that, feeling a small burst of heat fill her cheeks as she thought about Deeks telling that to his son. "Well, I don't want another partner either, Leo." She smiled.
The next day, Deeks was in a horrible mood. He was hanging out at a bar with some of the higher gang members, trying still to work his way in enough to be part of the decision making about the weapons sale.
"Hey, yo, Max," One of the lower guys said, nudging his shoulder. "Why you so down today, man? You look horrible!" He grinned, laughing teasingly.
"How about I make your face look even more horrible than it does already?" Deeks snapped in true Max fashion, getting light chuckles out of some of the tougher gang members.
"Sorry man, I didn't mean any disrespect!" The man quickly rambled, hoping to get out of being on Max Gentry's bad list.
"Why don't you just go get us some beers? Do something useful." Deeks rolled his eyes.
"Yea, I like the way the man thinks!" Julian, the main leader of the gang, agreed.
"I'll be right back!" The insignificant man exclaimed, scampering off.
"You are looking kinda bad today though, Max." Sam said, scooting closer to him.
Deeks rolled his eyes again. "I'm fine. Just didn't get much sleep last night." He replied.
And the sleep he got was some of the worst sleep he'd gotten in his life.
He was at home, at his real apartment. He looked around, confused; he hadn't finished his assignment yet, so why was he back at his house?
Walking through the apartment, he found Kensi and Leo were playing in the living room, a big mess scattered all over the place. Irritation and anger boiled within his body as he looked at the scene.
"What the hell? What's with this mess?" The man barked.
Both Kensi and Leo jumped at the sound of his voice, and the woman quickly scrambled off the floor and moved in front of Leo, as if to block him.
"Oh, you're here... we weren't expecting you back so soon! But uh... welcome home! I'm... I'm glad you're back safe. Sorry... about the mess..." She rambled.
"Sorry?" He snapped at her. "I've been out working to support your ass and this is how you thank me?" The man exclaimed.
"Me and Leo were just trying to have fun." Kensi said, her eyes shifting nervously.
"Fun? Oh yea, that sounds real good. I go work to support you two and you just sit on your ass and do nothing." He yelled, storming into the kitchen.
He ripped the refrigerator open and snatched a beer bottle out, angrily drinking almost the entire thing in one go. Looking around, the man noticed there was no dinner prepared.
"What, no food? Damn it, woman, can't you do something right around here?" He barked at Kensi...
Being Max meant being angry, and being harsh; Deeks knew that. But seeing himself be so angry, and take it out on Kensi and Leo hurt Deeks deeply. It made him feel even worse being on this assignment.
If that was even possible.
At the bar, he could take it out on the lesser groupies, and gain more respect within the higher ups simultaneously; they liked to see that Max could handle the groupies just fine, and made them give him more important tasks –in addition to trusting him with more information.
"Have any more offers come up?" Julian inquired, rubbing his hand up and down the back of the girl currently sitting in his lap.
"I would've told you if there were." Max replied smoothly.
Julian chuckled. "True... true. Now the problem is trying to figure out who of all our excellent offers to sell to." He told the gang, looking at higher, more important members all around the table.
"How about-" Samantha tried to suggest, but she was quickly shut down.
"Sam, honey, this is grown man talk." Julian snapped.
Deeks glanced at the woman, her frustration clearly written on her face and in her body language. He'd talked to her enough to know that this had been happening for a long time; she had a lot of ideas, but was shut down every time –and she was quickly building anger up at the gang.
This was not good for the gang, having a member who knew everything about the members and their plans while being highly frustrated with her gang. But, Deeks knew, this was good for undercover cops.
"Julian, I really think-" Samantha tried again.
"Sammie, Julian told you to butt out; so shut your damn mouth!" Another member, Michael, snapped. Her eyes flashed with hurt and she immediately recoiled.
Her reaction reminded Deeks of the next part of his dream.
"I... I didn't have time." Kensi replied, her voice quivering. "I'm sorry..." She recoiled, her eyes flashing with hurt.
"Well maybe I don't have time to support you and the damn boy!" He snapped.
"You leave Leo out of this." Kensi replied firmly.
His eyes filled with anger and he stepped dangerously close to her. "He is my boy and I will treat him how I choose. C'mere boy!" The man yelled, and Leo slowly came into the kitchen.
The man regarded the boy for a second with a harsh, angry glare. "You go back in there and pick all that shit up. You'll be damn lucky if I don't see the shit!" He yelled.
Kensi rushed over to the boy as his eyes filled with tears, and Leo quickly cowered behind her legs.
"You don't have to talk to him that way!" Kensi told the man, tears starting to fill her eyes.
"Bitch, don't tell me how to talk to my son." The man barked.
"You are a straight bastard for treating him like that!" Kensi yelled.
He got so mad he slapped her across the face, and then yanked her to him roughly; no doubt leaving new bruises on her face and her arm.
Deeks wanted to throw up, remembering Kensi getting slapped across the face, and Leo being terrified and crying.
He would never, ever hurt Kensi like that. Or make Leo be scared like Deeks always was as a child. It was horrible, and terrifying, and he would never let that happen to his son.
Deeks just hoped he could get out of Max's head after this op so he could ensure Leo would never have to endure that.
Luckily, none of the gang members Max was having to deal with on this op had any kids; so Deeks didn't have to worry about being mean, and harsh towards kids to maintain his cover.
That was something he was incredibly grateful for.
He wasn't sure if he could go back to Leo if he'd have to be a horrible man to another child. Deeks didn't want to risk slipping up with his own son after the case, and acting just like his father.
It was a risk he wasn't willing to take.
Deeks was almost afraid to go back after his assignment; what if he couldn't get away from Max? What if he was still that horrible person to Kensi, or to Leo? Deeks didn't think he could live with himself if that happened.
The slamming of a beer bottle on the table, and a chair being thrown back broke Deeks' train of thought and brought him back to the conversation. Samantha was standing up and, with a glare around the table, she stormed out of the bar.
"Aw, Sammie!" One of the other girls, Kathy Deeks thought, called after her.
Samantha didn't reply, just flipped the table off and kept walking. The group all exchanged sighs or eye rolls. Julian shook his head and turned his head to Max.
"You wanna go handle that?" He inquired.
Max snorted. "You want me to go deal with an emotional bitch?" He asked deadpanned.
The boss smiled and nodded. "Yup."
Max rolled his eyes and threw back the rest of his drink. Standing up he looked at Julian. "Fine. But you owe me a beer for this."
The gang laughed as he stepped away, before glancing back over his shoulder. "Two if the bitch is crying." He called, getting another laugh from the table.
"Alright, Gentry." Julian chuckled.
Deeks walked out and tried to push away the guilt he felt; Samantha was a nice person and she didn't deserve this treatment. And he was just instigating it even further. But Deeks did what he had to do to preserve his cover.
Samantha was sitting on the sidewalk, her back against the building with her knees drawn up to her chest. Deeks sighed and walked over to her, sitting down next to her, but not too close.
"Julian send you out here to 'handle me'?" She asked bitterly.
He was quiet for a moment. "Actually no, I came out here to see if you were ok. You didn't deserve that shit in there." Max lied, trying to get on her good side.
Samantha turned her head and smiled slightly. "Really?" She asked quietly.
Max smirked and looked away. "Yea, sure."
"I'm so sick of it... none of them listen to me!" The woman exclaimed.
He turned his head. "Alright, I'll bite. What were you going to suggest?" He asked.
"I think we should just sell them to our cartel. They'll pay Julian's asking price, maybe even a little more considering we've got what they want, and we know the guys so it's not like it's not safe." Samantha explained.
Deeks' eyes widened and he nodded, thinking. "That is actually a really good idea." He told her.
Deeks' mind was rolling with possibilities; this could not only be a gang bust, but also a cartel bust if he played it right. That would be huge.
And maybe just enough leverage to get Bates to let him leave LAPD and go to NCIS after this assignment.
Or, the other part of Deeks' mind retorted, it might just remind him that you're not a bad cop and make him never want you to leave.
He sighed and Samantha blabbed on and on about how it was the perfect idea, when suddenly the bar door burst open and the gang came pouring out.
"Samantha, get your ass up! We're leaving." Julian snapped.
"But I'm just talking." She objected.
The man moved closer and glared angrily at her. "I don't give a shit. Get your ass up and LET'S GO." He roared.
Samantha tensed and shivered as he yelled, before she weakly nodded. She quickly rose to her feet and Julian grabbed her arm, yanking her down the street towards his car.
Deeks arched an eyebrow questioningly and stood up, looking to Michael. "What's up with him?" He inquired.
"Bar fight; we only broke the dude's arm I don't know why the owner had to kick us out!" Michael rolled his eyes.
"That all?" Max snorted.
"Yeah, man. You handle Samantha?" The other man asked.
Max rolled his eyes this time. "Oh please. An emotional female? Handled? I think that'd be a first in history."
Michael laughed and slapped his back. "Agreed. So man, we gotta help Julian pick a buyer for this thing. You got any ideas?" He asked lowly as they walked to their cars.
Deeks thought for a moment. "I do got something, actually." Max told him, leaning against his car.
"Really?" Michael asked excitedly.
"What about our cartel? It'd be our asking price, we deal with them all the time so trust wouldn't be a huge issue. Hell it's the cleanest, easiest option I see. No one else has dealt with us before and no telling what shit they might try to pull." Max explained.
The other man nodded, quickly latching onto this plan. "Yea, man, I feel you. Sounds good, actually. I'll holler at Julian later, see how he feels. I'll see you tomorrow, we got another drug delivery to make. Text me and tell me what time you wanna meet up." Michael told him.
Max nodded. "I'll see you when I see you." He replied, and got in his car, quickly driving away.
He drove with the radio off, and a firm grip on the steering wheel. Samantha being yelled at and abused by Julian kept replaying over and over again in his mind.
Deeks thought back to his dream.
"No! No no no!" Leo yelled, tears streaming down his face. The little boy ran to his father and started hitting his legs, trying to get Kensi out of his grip.
But he had a strong hold of Kensi's arm, and yanked her away from the boy; yelling at her to shut up when she choked out a sob.
"You leab Kens alone you big meanie head!" Leo exclaimed.
"Please stop it... at least in front of him." Kensi begged, tears rolling down her face as well."
Deeks could remember his own mother saying the exact same thing when he was just a kid. His once stronger, independent mother was turned into a begging, weak lady who didn't want to run away.
It made Deeks absolutely sick.
"This is my house and I'll do whatever the hell I want, damn it!" He roared, and threw the beer bottle in his hand across the room; narrowly missing Kensi's head. It shattered loudly and both Kensi and Leo jumped, scared.
Leo shrieked and Kensi sobbed, trembling in his hold.
The sound and movement stopped him dead still as he realized what he was doing. He saw Leo crying, which was like a knife stabbing him in the heart knowing he had caused those tears.
Looking at Kensi only made it worse.
The sheer terror in the eyes of a once fearless woman. The absolute broken look on her face as tears stained her cheeks and pooled in her eyes. She was shaking in his hold, something she never did.
He slowly backed away feeling completely horrified at what he was doing, and what he had become. Looking down at himself, he realized he was wearing Max Gentry's clothes; the jeans, the leather jacket, everything. A hand rubbing across his chin told him that his scruff wasn't the ruggedly handsome scruff it usually was, but the unkept beard of Max's.
Shocked at all of this, Deeks realized that he had somehow allowed himself become Max Gentry.
Or worse, his father.
Tears pooled in his eyes as Deeks slammed the door shut, angry. He slowly slid to the floor, his shoulders shaking. The man was so afraid it was too late, that the contents of that dream were just waiting to happen.
Deeks didn't want to be Max; he wanted to be Marty Deeks, and build a good life with Kensi and make happy memories with Leo.
He remembered he needed to send a text to Michael , and pulled his phone from his pocket. Tears still in his eyes, he quickly typed in his passcode without even thinking about it, and waited for it to pull up.
Deeks was surprised when Max's homepage didn't pull up, but Deeks' own personal homepage did. He hadn't even thought about which passcode he was entering, doing it on a subconscious level instead.
Kensi and Leo were cuddled up in Deeks' bed, the little boy fast asleep in her arms at this late hour. They had been watching a movie in the living room, and when Monty started snoring intolerably loud they had moved to the bedroom; snuggling together under the covers.
She'd long since stopped paying attention to the movie; Kensi had been zoned out for quite a while now. All she wanted to do was have Deeks here with her and Leo; she would even let him cuddle with the them if he wanted.
She liked to think he would want to.
But Kensi mused, she could just settle for getting to talk to him.
Before she could change her mind, Kensi grabbed her phone from the nightstand next to her –carefully so as not to wake Leo- and sent him a quick text message. She knew he might not get to read it, and if he did he probably couldn't reply.
It made her feel better somehow though.
He was staring at his phone, a small smile starting to form on his lips; he'd put in Deeks' passcode. Deeks'. Not Max's. That had to mean something right?
Suddenly, his phone beeped with an incoming message, startling the man slightly. He tapped a few buttons, and a grin quickly grew on his face.
hey shaggy, I just wanted to text you even though i'M pretty sure It's against protocolS to reply to any messageS. You knOw it's very qUiet without you? its really weird. night deeks.
As Deeks stared at it, his grin doubled in size. "Oh, Fern, you are a sneaky one. But not subtle at all." He chuckled.
The man felt his heart slightly rise up from whatever dark hole he had been in as he reread the message and pulled out her not-at-all-subtle-code.
I MISS YOU.
Deeks should've known Kensi couldn't just tell him flat out. That wasn't Badass Blye's style.
That mixed in with her calling him Shaggy and Deeks helped a lot too; it helped ground him to the fact that he was still Deeks. He wasn't totally consumed. In that moment he didn't care if it was protocol or not.
MIght wanna be careful there, miSS blye, You wOUldn't want Mr. hanna OR mr. callEn finding out would you miss me would you? goodnight fern ;)
As he hit send, Deeks felt like someone had just shined a light at the end of his tunnel; that he now had a spark of hope, and goodness to hold onto in the world.
And any world in which Kensi Blye missed him was definitely a world Deeks wanted to live in.
Preferably with her.
With a small smile, Deeks walked into his ratty bedroom and crawled under the covers; allowing himself one more moment of being Deeks before switching back to Max, he stared at the picture of Kensi and Leo.
Then, he closed out of his personal phone menu and typed in Max's passcode.
Back to business, he thought, so I can get back home.
Kensi was grinning as she read his message. She knew her 'code' (if the incredibly obvious message even counted) wasn't subtle, but Kensi didn't want it to be. No, she didn't want to flat out tell him she missed him, but Kensi didn't want him to have to think and wonder what she meant because of their terrible communication skills.
Kensi knew that was the last message they would exchange for the night, and most likely for the rest of his hopefully soon to be over assignment. As she placed her phone back on the nightstand her eye caught a look at that picture Deeks had put there.
Thinking of all the good memories they had, made Kensi want to make more. Living without Deeks in her life was terrible, and Kensi didn't want to deal with that anymore. Now if she could only work up the courage to let him in her walls when he got back.
Or if only Kensi could realize he'd broken through those walls ages ago.
i hope you guys like it! i know this is getting kinda angsty, but i promise it's gonna get better soon :] please leave a lovely review on your way out, i would absolutely love you for it!
later lovelies
xox