A/n: Thank you so much to my amazing beta, NikkiB1973.
I do not own Star Trek: Voyager.
"Tom would not be happy about what I'm going to put this old girl through." Chakotay remarked wryly as he sank into the Delta Flyer's piloting chair, sighing heavily as it creaked under his weight and he flexed his fingers apprehensively over the controls. "This one's going to put a really big blot on my flying record."
"Are you forgetting all of those beleaguered Class 1 shuttles we had to reconstruct from scratch?" Janeway reminded him in the same tone, struggling to be light. She bit her lip as Chakotay flashed her a nostalgic smile. "I wouldn't worry about Tom…" She paused to try and clear the thickness in her throat, "…there's still our Delta Flyer to tinker around with. Not as fancy as yet, but she's got lots more years left in her."
Chakotay nodded sagely, finally meeting her eye. "Yes, she does." He agreed softly, "And if all gets to plan both she and Voyager will soon be getting a refit in Utopia Planetia."
Janeway's eyes brightened briefly, but then she blinked it away. "Hopefully." She breathed, steadying herself on the console as she swallowed and dropped into the neighbouring chair. "I think, given the amount of times you've had to ask me this over the years and I've been grateful for it, I should ask you if you're sure you want to do this?" Her knuckles were white around the hypospray she presented to him, almost as proof that she'd held up her part of their bargain.
Chakotay allowed himself to exhale as he met her earnest, surprisingly gentle, gaze. "I'll admit I didn't intend for it to play out like this, but all I've wanted is to give you all this chance. If this is what it takes…"
"We'll do it." She finished for him, voice hoarse with emotion. "Chakotay, I…"
"I know Kathryn." He replied kindly, carefully taking the hypospray from her and setting it down. "We always were going to work together to get this crew home, and we have, against all odds."
Janeway smirked faintly, perhaps thinking just as he was of the disconcerting role reversal they'd experienced as he'd explained this plan. Watching her intent, sceptical face as she'd heard him out had been enlightening to say the least; sobering even. In many ways she'd been more tolerant of him than he'd ever been of her. Now that he could empathise with being so deeply invested in a risky plan that might just work out better than any other, much of the loyalty and affection he undoubtedly owed her had come back to him. Perhaps they should've tried this method of understanding years ago. "It was worth playing those odds." She murmured, squeezing his shoulder. "It's been an honour serving with you." She took a fortifying breath in as she rose to her feet, "Good luck, Captain."
Chakotay noticed her eyes widen at something beyond him and saw that Seven and his younger self had entered the Flyer. He would've loved to know what either were thinking at that moment, but each were equally unreadable. He couldn't even gather if Seven were relying on his younger self or vice versa. A comment he'd overheard from when he'd first been known to be dating Seven came to mind, that the only thing they had in common was an ability to secret away emotions. Far from true, but he knew he was for once witnessing their private 'bubble' from outside. Kathryn had explained his plan to them, and to the rest of her senior officers as was her right, although it had been evident she'd known she was also doing him one last favour. He owed at least these two more than that, but he hadn't been able to face it. His final cowardly act before his last brave one. He managed to recollect himself as Kathryn moved to leave, "Good luck to you to Captain. I've enjoyed serving with you again." He told her, glad to feel how sincerely he felt the sentiment.
Kathryn just smiled at him bravely and headed briskly now, but not before murmuring something in a soothing undertone to her First Officer and laying a reassuring hand on Seven's arm.
Seven was almost tempted to cling to the Captain, ask her not to leave, but suppressed the selfish wish at once. The Captain was also finding this situation difficult to process. She found in fact, that she could barely register the silent sign of support the Captain did give, her attention was split between the man at her side and the one in front of her. She'd begun, through the turmoil of the past few hours, to really have to differentiate between the two of them just to keep her emotions stable and her contributions to this situation helpful to both, but seeing him with the Captain just then made her realise once again that they were one and the same. Yet still, when she looked at Chakotay at the helm, then glanced back at he who stood with her, she felt helpless and confused, recognising two identities and knowing neither.
Much of the fight seemed to have left Captain Chakotay, by that she meant not his determination but his brittle anger. Her impression that he was battling her, himself, any other doubts and memories, had dissipated. If anything he looked relieved, not quite giddy, but more at peace than she'd ever seen him, almost content. These observations saddened and yes, to a certain degree, angered her. He didn't have the right to feel calm about…baiting the Borg Queen, her own psyche couldn't accept it. How could he do it? Unconsciously, she shook her head in agitation.
Recognising the gesture, Captain Chakotay turned to her, his eyes deep wells of emotion. "I wasn't sure you'd come." He said quietly.
"We're involved." Chakotay spoke up, his voice hoarse with pent up, inexpressible feeling, somewhere between rage and violent grief. "We're even more involved than Voyager itself."
His counterpart met his unblinking gaze sadly. "Of course you are…and I'm sorry for that." He swallowed, thinking of the existential crisis he'd brought down on their heads at what should've been one of the simplest, but most tender, periods of their relationship. Would they be able to claw that time back?
Seven tentatively put her hand back on Chakotay's chest, it was heaving despite the taut stillness in the rest of his frame. Her touch only relaxed him momentarily, on a marginal level, as he kept his gaze locked on his future self. Where that battling mentality had begun to seep out of the elder, it had infected the younger. It was as if he feared that if he let Captain Chakotay out of his sight he'd be attacked. Seven suspected that if he'd thought for one second she would've submitted to it, he would held her behind him protectively. She could understand the defensiveness, could clearly see as well as imagine the emotional tumult he must be enduring, but she was at a loss as how to help him in easing his burden. Providing comfort and reassurance wasn't something she was practised at, not to the level he was, and so would expect. Her greatest degree of experience in emotions was suppressing them, reining them in, something Chakotay was already valiantly trying to do.
She decided the best she could do was put an end to this as quickly as possible, for all of their sakes. She strode forward, forcing herself fully face him. The bittersweet combination of love and guilt in his weary, unguarded gaze was so blatant it touched even her and took her breath away. She stumbled in that moment, but he caught her easily. "You do not have to do this." Traitorously, her voice cracked.
He stroked her arms soothingly before letting her stand on her own two feet. "Yes, I do." He regarded her knowingly, "This is the best plan we've come up with and you know it."
Seven somehow managed an exasperated sound in the back of her throat. "This plan merely has the most preferable outcome if it works, Voyager returning to the Alpha Quadrant and the destruction of the hub. That does not make it reasonable. It is essentially a gamble, perhaps even wishful thinking…" Her voice broke as she struggled to catch her breath, on the verge of frustrated tears. "You shouldn't be expected to…"
"No one would expect this of anyone Seven." He assured her softly, "But still I'm going to do it." He touched her trembling face, "There's been two of me here long enough." He met his younger counterpart's eye over Seven's shoulder, "It turns out neither of us handle sharing you very well." She ducked her head low in denial, as he'd known she would. "I always knew this would be a one-way trip, and that's okay if you help me make it worthwhile."
Seven took a few moments to absorb that. Fleetingly, it occurred to her to wonder what he would've done if Voyager had followed his original plan and gone immediately through the hub as bid, would he have committed suicide in the tradition of an honourable Klingon? Or waited for another version of Captain Braxton to arrive to reintegrate him with the present Chakotay? For the sake of the emotional health of Commander Chakotay, she could only be glad that neither option was coming to pass. Still, grief began to choke her. This man wasn't a temporal anomaly to puzzle over and correct, he was Chakotay. Swiftly, she picked up the hypospray the Captain had left behind, their gift to the Queen. "Will you allow me?" she whispered, knowing she'd done the right thing when he looked up at her with gratitude in his eyes. In one clean, efficient movement she'd injected him. "The pathogen will begin to take effect within two minutes, but the assimilation process will progress well in that time." A sob abruptly broke through her matter-of-fact tone as her fingers brushed his throat. "It will be agony…"
Chakotay instantly grasped his shaking hand and pressed it unthinkingly to his quivering lips as he looked up into her face, already etched with the pain she anticipated for him. "I'm sorry." He whispered fervently, tears filling his eyes and breaking down his voice. "I'm so sorry Seven."
Seven didn't know whether he was sorry for having to do this, or for what she'd had to go through all those years ago and forced on others. In that moment, she needed it to be for both. Tears fell unfelt down her cheeks as she acted on impulsive instinct, just as she had when she'd first kissed him, and bent to hug him.
He desperately wanted to hold her tightly, to refuse to let go as he had done when she'd been dying, but her touch, though heartfelt, was tentative, stretching what she was familiar and comfortable with. This wasn't his wife, she wasn't his, but he loved her all the same. When she stepped back, her face tear-streaked and flushed with self-consciousness, he let her go at once. His heart warmed when she anxiously returned to his counterpart's side, any jealousy was gone now. "Be happy. Be happy for as long as you possibly can and fight for it. I always gave in too easily."
"Gave in?" His younger self echoed hollowly.
He eyed him knowingly, "Yes, gave in." He sighed heavily, "What I'm going to do may or may not be revenge. I've been telling myself it's not…but I am trying to make up for things that happened, choices I made…" He trailed off with a shake of his head, "Whatever this is, don't follow my path any more. From one contrary to another, just live your life, don't hold it at arms' length." He smiled at him faintly, "Die in your bed."
Chakotay stared back at him, a smile suddenly playing across his lips as his words sunk in that looked out of place on his strained face, struggling for composure. "I intend to." He assured him firmly, suddenly crossing the gulf between them to grip his hand. "Good luck…and thank you." The last words were difficult to get out given what a hell this had been in many ways, but he knew he'd regret it if they didn't say them, and he was done with regrets. He'd finally learned that.
Thankfully Seven grasped his hand to lead him out, and they walked out of the Flyer without another word. It had all been said. Seven couldn't help but flinch as the corridors around the Shuttle Bay shuddered with the Flyer's departure. He'd really gone. Chakotay however didn't react, still and unblinking, lost in his own thoughts. She felt so bereft, so utterly lonely suddenly, that perhaps unwisely, she broke the spell. "He did not say those words to hurt you Chakotay…try not to allow them to…" Her voice had dropped to a frightened, hopeless whisper. "Tell me how I can help you!" she pleaded desperately, "I do not know what to say or how to…"
"Neither do I." Chakotay interrupted her in a murmur, hesitating for a moment before reaching out to her, "But you're here aren't you?"
"Yes." Seven forced out, her eyes wide and glistening. Wordlessly, he put his arms around her and this time Seven leaned into it, tightening the embrace herself as he lowered his head wearily onto her shoulder.
A/n: Please review. :)