all i own is excuses, and i should probably keep them to myself XD thank you for all of your support and i hope everyone's still up for following this story! I'm far from done, and i hope you guys enjoy :]
Chapter 20
"Whoa..." Deeks said, obviously surprised to see her.
Kensi smiled slightly in disbelief as she lowered her gun. "Oh my God, you scared me." She chuckled lightly.
He shifted on his feet and looked around, for Leo maybe? Kensi thought. "How'd you get in here?" Deeks asked her.
"My partner gave me a key, what are you doing here?" She asked with a smile. Kensi was trying not to get her hopes up; she'd already had him in her grasp only to slip away once that day. She wasn't looking to let it happen again.
Deeks smirked a bit, holding up his keys. "I live here. Master room." He told her.
Kensi couldn't fight the smile growing on her face. "So...are we Tracey and Jason right now?" She asked teasingly.
Her partner sighed and stuffed his hands in his pockets, leaning against the wall. "To tell you the truth, Kensi, I'm not sure who I am right now." He admitted.
She tensed slightly and let out a breath, realizing it wasn't a situation to kid around with; Kensi saw the turmoil in his eyes, all caused by being Max for so long without breaks.
"Is your assignment done?" She asked.
"Is he here?" Deeks inquired, ignoring her question. He was desperate to not think about the case, and eager to change the subject.
Kensi didn't need him to elaborate about who he was talking about; she knew he wanted to know where Leo was. "No, I'm sorry... Nell offered to babysit for one night, I must've looked pretty terrible after today's case. The Wonder Twins teamed up against me telling me how I looked like I could use a break." She laughed lightly.
Deeks simply nodded, looking around and letting out a deep sigh. Kensi shifted awkwardly on her feet; she wasn't used to him all closed off like this. Usually that was her department.
"If I had known... I would've made sure Leo would be here when you finally got home... but I figured since you had to... since you had to go back in after we saw you earlier it would still be a while." Kensi rambled.
"Sorry to disappoint." Deeks snapped before he could stop it.
She grimaced slightly and rubbed her hands together. He sighed and shook his head, running a hand over his face and into his hair. "I... Kensi I'm sorry. It's... it's not really me saying that. I still need to work on not being... him." Deeks apologized.
"It's fine." Kensi immediately replied.
He lifted his head up and raised his eyebrows at her. "So that means it's not."
She merely shrugged in response.
Deeks sighed again. "I was asking because if he was here I shouldn't be. I can't see him until... until I know for certain that I'm Deeks again and not Max." He explained.
Kensi nodded, understanding. "He hasn't stopped talking about you. Except maybe when Nell's around." She teased lightly, inching closer to him.
Deeks chuckled lightly. "I see your humor has improved slightly."
"Wow. Compliment accepted. Glad you're finally starting to see that I am funny." Kensi smiled.
"Hold on now, Fern, I said slightly. No need to start planning your standup act or anything." Deeks smirked.
Kensi's smile grew wider and she looked up at him happily. "What? Why are you lookin' at me like that?" He asked self-consciously.
"Because you sound like you. And you called me Fern." Kensi told him.
"Deeks calls you Fern..." He commented lightly.
"Exactly." She nodded.
"But how do you know Max isn't right there beside him?" Deeks asked shakily.
"Because I know you. And I can tell." Kensi said confidently, stepping in front of him.
He tried to keep eye contact with her, but after thinking about what all he had had to do in his assignment, he felt ashamed and looked away. When she reached for him he stepped away, walking over and dropping onto his couch; his head resting in his hands.
"You say that because you don't know what I've done, Kensi." Deeks sighed.
"I don't care. You were undercover; it's justified. You brought down some very, very bad people." She told him, leaning against the wall he previously occupied.
"By becoming one myself..." He said softly.
"Deeks..." Kensi sighed, walking towards him and perching herself on the edge of his coffee table; close enough to touch him but forcing herself to reframe.
"I need you to know... there were people I had to beat up... I have some blood on my hands from this case; none of it innocent or in cold blood though. And..." Deeks trailed off, blowing out a big breath of air.
"Deeks, you don't have to tell me any-" Kensi tried to stop him, but he wouldn't have it.
"No, Kensi. I do. There were a lot of people I had to lie to, to use... A lot. Most of them were women. I had to... get involved with a few of them to keep cover." He admitted ashamedly.
It didn't surprise Kensi; she knew how Max Gentry was and also knew that this gang was familiar with his ways. It would've looked very strange if he had been opposite of that.
But that didn't make her any less jealous or hurt.
She warred with herself a bit; Kensi had no reasonable right to feel the way she was at the moment. Deeks wasn't hers officially; they had no agreement or commitment with one another so what reason could she have to feel like they did?
She wanted to be able to rightly feel jealous.
She wanted to have a justifiable claim to him other than "he's my partner".
But Kensi couldn't get what she wanted just yet; first she had to fix him back into the good man he was deep down. He was just hidden behind a terrible man that mimicked Deeks' father and did terrible things.
She reminded herself over and over that those women didn't mean anything and they were all just cover.
That thought train derailed when Kensi remembered they had been a married couple in a cover, had kissed in a cover, and those both had meant something. Just because it was a cover didn't make it emotionless.
Kensi's hands clenched into fists and her leg bounced anxiously. "O-oh? Um... well yea, that's uh... that's something Max would have to do. Totally... totally something that would happen normally." Kensi managed to bit out through clenched teeth. She rubbed her hands against her thighs, trying to fight against these emotions attempting to overwhelm her.
Deeks arched an eyebrow at her and had the nerve to smirk; the bastard was actually smirking at her like he knew what she was feeling! Kensi thought. But then, she realized, this was Deeks and he was her partner; of course he could tell what she was feeling.
"Little jealous there, Fern?" He teased, smirk firmly in place.
"Pssh. What? Me? Jealous? Over you? No. Absolutely not. I'm fine." Kensi snapped, accidentally letting out that last part. She cursed herself because not only was her behavior giving away her true thoughts and feelings, but saying she was fine automatically told Deeks she wasn't.
His smirk dissolved into a soft smile. "Well you have no reason to be." He told her gently, getting a small smile in return.
"And why's that?" She inquired before she could stop herself.
Deeks thought about the hand full of women he'd had to be with over the few weeks to keep his cover, to move up in the gang. His small moment of light and happiness faded away as he remembered how he'd used every single one of those women and how he had hated every minute of it.
"Because they didn't mean a thing. None of them. I just used them." He whispered sadly, dropping his head to look at his feet.
Kensi's eyes saddened as she watched her partner beat himself up over a cover. She shook her head. No. She wouldn't allow him to do this to himself. He deserved a lot better than that.
"Deeks." She said.
"Hmm?" He asked softly.
"Deeks." Kensi said again.
"Yes?" He answered.
"You answer to Deeks." She told him lightly.
The man sighed, head still down. "Yea, I do."
"So that means a large part of you still thinks of yourself as Deeks." Kensi went on.
"What are you gettin' at here, Kens?" Deeks asked.
"I'm saying that yes, Max did some bad things. But Deeks didn't. And if you're Deeks..." She trailed off, hoping he would understand what she was getting at.
"Max or Deeks... feels like both of them had a part in it." He admitted.
"Why's that?" Kensi asked, confused.
He took a moment to answer, his leg bouncing as if helping him build up courage to explain himself. "Because Deeks needed to come back, to you and to Leo, and he allowed Max to do all that shit so he could come back." Deeks explained frustratedly.
Kensi smiled a bit at his words and was glad of the darkness surrounding them; it hid her blush that was undoubtedly present. She gently placed her hand on his face and made him look at her. "Deeks came back. That's all that matters."
He nodded and she felt him wince as she brushed his cheek; Kensi immediately jerked back, knowing she'd touched a bruise or cut. She hadn't even thought of him needing medical attention, or even something to eat or drink.
"C'mon, let's have a look at you." Kensi said firmly, tugging his hand and dragging him into the bathroom.
Kensi flipped on the light switch in the small bathroom and started looking for medical supplies. Deeks remained at the door, leaning against the doorjamb and just watching her move around in his apartment. Like she belonged there.
The thought brought a smile to his face.
"Wait, first aid kit is in the other bathroom." Kensi realized, grasping his hand again and tugging him into his bedroom and towards his bigger bathroom.
"You know if you wanted in my bedroom all you had to do is ask." Deeks teased lightly, a smirk on his face.
"Oh please, I haven't asked these past weeks, why start now?" Kensi shrugged.
It took him a moment to realize she was serious. "So, wait you've... you've been staying here this whole time?" He asked, surprised as she dug through his cabinets and pulled out the first aid kit.
She placed it on the counter and arched an eyebrow. "Yea, that a problem or something?" Kensi asked defensively.
He chuckled slightly. "No, no. You staying in my apartment, sleeping in my bed, I have absolutely no problem with that at all." Deeks grinned at her.
Kensi rolled her eyes and closed the toilet seat and pushing him to sit on it. He sat there for a moment, quietly, as she cleaned the minor cuts on his face. Deeks stared up at her the entire time, watching the soft look on her face and reveled in her gentle touch. He couldn't help but feel his heart tug at how soft she was being.
Deeks loved it.
He wondered what had suddenly brought out this level of softness in her; had it been taking care of Leo or, Deeks hoped, did it have something to do with him? In a good way, of course.
"There, your face is all clean up. Despite the level of scruff you got goin' on there, Shaggy. You should really do something about that now." Kensi teased.
He chuckled lightly. "I'll get on that." He nodded.
She looked him over and her eyebrows furrowed at his swollen knuckles. "These don't look great, did you get in a fight today?" Kensi inquired as she went about tending to them as well.
Deeks snorted. "You could say that. LAPD wasn't exactly graceful in their entrance when it all went down today. Burst in like nothing I'd ever seen before, completely slobby. It was chaos and I ended up having to fist fight one of them. Dude was like a freakin' ninja, I swear." He shook his head, making Kensi laugh lightly.
"Are these your only injuries?" She inquired, almost knowingly.
Deeks grimaced and tried to look away, but her relentless stare broke him. "Uh, no... I uh, took a few hits to the ribs. Pretty sure a few of 'em are bruised but it's nothing serious." He replied.
"You should probably let me look, just in case." She said.
Deeks shook his head. "Nah, I'm good." He told her.
"Deeks, c'mon. Just let me check." Kensi said.
"Kens, you don't have to." Deeks insisted.
"I want to. They might be cracked and you're just too stubborn to admit it." Kensi said firmly, tugging on his shirt.
"Oh, yea because I'm the stubborn one here." Deeks rolled his eyes, with a smile nonetheless. She wanted to make sure he was okay and he couldn't fight the smile the thought brought.
"Would you shut up and take off your shirt?" She demanded.
Deeks stopped and looked up at her, grinning wildly as Kensi's face turned red. "I didn't... that's not what I meant." She attempted to cover.
"Oh you totally meant it." He chuckled lowly, but carefully easing his shirt off and throwing it in the floor.
Kensi took a moment to swallow and not stare at his muscular chest; which proved extremely difficult. He was injured, possibly seriously injured, and she really didn't want him to know she was ogling him.
Not that her attempts to hide it did any good; that cocky ass smirk on his face said it all as she gently pressed his side.
"LAPD let you go without being medically checked over? You probably have more injuries you're not telling me about." Kensi asked.
"LAPD? Nah, they didn't pay me any attention and I got out of there the second I could." He explained as he hissed in a breath at her insistent poking.
"You were right, just bruised. Nothing too serious." Kensi announced.
Deeks grinned. "Wait I'm sorry, what?"
"I said your ribs are just bruised. Nothing too serious." She replied, deliberately leaving out part of what she'd originally said.
"No, no. You definitely said something before that." He said confidently, grinning at her.
"Nope, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what I said." Kensi smiled.
"Nuh-uh. You said something else, started with you, ended with right; had were in the middle." Deeks smirked.
"Okay...fine. I said you were right." Kensi sighed.
"How'd those words taste coming out of your mouth?" Deeks grinned cheekily.
"Shut up." She rolled her eyes.
He chuckled but sat quietly, enjoying her fussing over him. Kensi Blye was not one to normally fuss over anybody, and Deeks was happy to be special enough to get her special treatment.
"So wait, if you slipped away from LAPD does that mean you didn't go to a debrief at the station?" She asked.
"Nope." Deeks replied simply.
"How come?" Kensi asked, confused.
"Didn't want to." He shrugged.
"So you just... didn't go to a debrief? Deeks that's not very professional..." Kensi trailed off.
He chuckled humorlessly. "Like LAPD cares about being professional. No, I didn't care about their stupid debrief, it was just gonna be about everything I 'could've done better' or how I messed up this and that. Screw that I just wanted to get away from them."
Kensi nodded, slightly disappointed. She had wanted him to say he wanted to go to her, and Leo of course, her mind added. "Right. So you came here, not expecting anyone to be here. I'm sorry, I'm probably intruding..." She started rambling again, turning away to pack the first aid kit back up.
Deeks shook his head and tugged her arm, bring her back to stand in front of him. "Actually, I um... I didn't come here first." He admitted sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Where'd you go then? If you didn't go to LAPD... you get some food or something?" Kensi asked.
"No... no I wasn't thinking about food." Deeks chuckled. "Not all of us are bottomless pits like you, Fern." He teased.
"Then where did you go?" Kensi asked, confused.
"I dropped by your place." Deeks blurted out.
"What? Why?" She asked.
Deeks rubbed his hands together. "I wanted to see you... I didn't expect you to stay here honestly, so I thought you'd be there. Gotta admit I was a little freaked out when I got there and you weren't home." He explained.
Kensi smiled slightly. "Well, I figured Leo would be more comfortable here. And I had all my stuff here and didn't know Nell would be watching him until later tonight. So obviously I had to come and get my things I needed, but then I was so tired... you know, after the case. I just... I um... I didn't wanna pack my stuff only to bring it right back." She rambled on, desperate to find an excuse for staying at his place so long.
Deeks chuckled and placed his hands on her hips, pulling her to him without thinking. He gently rested his forehead against her stomach and held her close. Kensi was a little surprised but just stood there, looking at him.
He hadn't even thought about his actions, they'd felt natural and Deeks just went with them. And, he thought with a smirk, she wasn't complaining.
Or you know, giving him a firm kick to the groin.
"Admit it, you just like my bed better." Deeks teased her.
"Pssh, nah. It's too big for just me." Kensi replied before she thought about it.
Deeks raised his eyebrows and she could feel it against her belly; she could feel his damn smirk too, causing her to roll her eyes but smile at the same time.
"Is that so? You need another body in there to keep you cozy? That an invitation, Fern?" He chuckled lightly.
"I don't think you get an invitation to go to your own bed, Deeks." She rolled her eyes.
"So it's more of a request? A subtle demand maybe?" Deeks grinned.
"You are enjoying this way too much." Kensi snorted.
"I think you enjoy being here just as much. And apparently you've been raiding my closet." He commented lowly.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Kensi automatically replied.
"Sure you don't, Kens. But you and I both know that this," He paused, placing a small kiss right above her belly button. She shivered involuntarily and he smirked. "This is completely my shirt."
"They're comfortable." Kensi reasoned. It was true, but it wasn't why she stole it and was wearing it; had been wearing his shirts. Kensi had plenty of her own comfy shirts and she knew Deeks knew it.
"Mhmm." He nodded against her.
"And... they smelled like you." Kensi admitted quietly.
"And now they smell like you." Deeks replied with a smile. Pulled away long enough t stare at her in his tshirt, marveling at how good she looked. The sight of her standing in front of her, in his hands, wearing his shirt tugged at something primal within Deeks; he had to struggle to keep it under control.
"Oh God... what am I gonna do, huh? My clothes will smell like you. My entire apartment smells like you. My shower has your sunshine-y shampoo. My bed..." Kensi shivered a bit at the huskiness now lacing his voice. "My bed will smell like you." He finished lowly.
"I'm sorry." She replied, not knowing exactly how to respond.
He shook his head, a smile on his lips. "Don't be."
Kensi coughed slightly, the tension hovering around them was growing thick and she wasn't sure how to proceed. So she slowly stepped back and he rose to stand in front of her.
"You smell really, really good. Like sunshine and gunpowder." He smiled lightly, making her blush before turning to the mirror and grabbing a razor.
"What are you doing?" She asked, confused as her mind was distracted by none other than him.
"I am shaving. One typically shaves as facial hair gets to an undesired length. It's too long for me, too much scruff." He explained.
"Oh... yea, of course." Kensi shook her head, mentally berating herself for sounding so dumb. She quickly exited the bathroom and crawled under the covers,.
Deeks was smiling as he shaved his beard down to a much more normal length. He'd flustered Kensi a bit, made her ramble, made her blush. And any day he gets that sort of reaction out of her is a great day in Deeks' book.
She leaned against the doorjamb and just watched him, lost in her thoughts. She was trying to process her many emotions; relief that he was back, sadness at how anguished he was, and happiness as her partner seemed to rise from the darkness he'd been in. Kensi had so badly missed their teasing banter, and just being around him.
But she wouldn't –couldn't- tell him that; Deeks would never let her hear the end of it, she thought with a smile.
Deeks put down his razor and wiped his face, smiling slightly as his scruff had returned to normal. He was starting to look and feel like himself again.
However it still felt a bit weird, being back in his apartment. The man had been on his guard nearly 24/7 for the entire case and he was having trouble fully relaxing. Deeks shifted on his feet as he mentally told himself to calm down.
Kensi saw the mental struggle in his eyes and saw his discomfort. It immediately occurred to her that her presence while he was trying to decompress was the source of his tension.
She turned awkwardly and walking into the bedroom, gathering her things. Kensi berated herself, Why did you stick around so long, Kensi? He doesn't need you here while he's trying to unwind! Kensi sighed as she quickly stuffed her scattered clothing into her bag and prepared to leave.
The agent had almost made it out of the bedroom when Deeks took notice of what was happening. He furrowed his eyebrows and hurried over to her, catching her arm before she'd left his room.
"Hey, hey, where you goin' Fern?" He inquired.
"I um... I was just gonna leave." Kensi mumbled, not looking at him.
"Don't do that." Deeks said quietly, gently unclenching her fingers' tight lock on her go bag.
"I just figured, since you looked uncomfortable, I thought maybe my being here..." She trailed off, allowing him to take her bag away.
He tossed it behind him, not caring where it landed, and tugged her to him. But, when she would turn he simply placed his forehead against the back of her head and carefully placed his hands on her hips.
"No. You help... a lot. Please don't go." Deeks whispered.
Kensi swallowed and bit her lip nervously. "Um... alright. I'll just take the couch so you can have your bed back." She told him.
He chuckled softly and it sent shivers down her back. "And what if I liked the thought of you in my bed?" He inquired.
"Why, Mr. Deeks I am not that kinda girl that gets in just any man's bed." Kensi said teasingly in a southern accent.
Deeks grinned. "Well maybe I'm not just any man." He replied.
"Don't worry, you're not." Kensi told him softly.
"Good to know. So is that a yes to my bed?" He chuckled.
"If you can keep your hands to yourself, Shaggy." Kensi teased, turning and walking over to the bed and crawling in it.
"See now that might be a deal breaker, Fern." Deeks grinned.
"Ooh, I hate it for ya." She laughed, snuggling into the covers.
He just stood there looking at her; smile on his partner's face, laying in his bed, in his clothes. His repeated in his head possessively, and Deeks fought to control his thoughts. He needed to slow down, remind himself that no, she wasn't his.
Even if it felt like she was.
"You coming Shaggy, or not?" Kensi asked teasingly.
Deeks chuckled softly, walking over to his dresser to pull out a pair of sweatpants. He didn't bother being modest, Deeks quickly stripped off his jeans and slipped into the more comfy pants before joining her in his bed.
"You're on my side, Fern." He informed her, smiling as he arranged the pillows.
"This is my side, Deeks. Deal with it." Kensi laughed lightly.
"And quit hoggin' the covers!" Deeks whined, attempting to dug them back to him.
"No! Stop it! Bad Shaggy!" Kensi replied, snatching the covers back around her.
"Kens, it's cold." He pouted.
"Again, deal with it." She grinned, turning away from him.
Deeks set his jaw and mock glared at her, irritated. Oh who was he kidding? He could never stay mad at her, Deeks smiled.
But he was cold and she was on his side.
So, Deeks 'dealt with it'.
He scooted up close behind her and pulled her back into his chest, wrapping an arm around her. Kensi's eyes popped open at his sudden movements; a deep blush filled her cheeks.
"Deeks?" She asked.
"Hmm.." He grumbled in response, eyes closed.
"What, exactly, are you doing?" Kensi asked slowly.
"Well, you're on my side and hogging my covers. So I figured we'd share them." Deeks explained.
"Well do you think we can share a little less?" She asked, her stomach fluttering at the feel of his arms around her and his warm chest pressed against her back. Oh gosh, Kensi thought, she might be in trouble here.
"Hey Kens?" He said softly.
"Yea?" She asked in the same tone.
"Deal with it." Deeks grinned, nuzzling his nose into her sweet smelling hair.
Kensi rolled her eyes but couldn't fight the smile on her face as she relaxed into his warm, comforting embrace; her smile matching his.
Turns out she didn't mind sharing too much
soo...good? (let's hope so!) bad? (hope not!) see that button down there? The one that says review? would you be so kind as to click it and leave me a lovely note? not a love note because i don't know you like that XD (ignore me, i'm lame haha) thank you for reading and i shall see you next chapter! Which i promise will take a fraction of the time this chapter did!
who else is suffering from new episode withdrawals? i sure am...
Later lovelies!
xox