Chapter 4 – Old Habits Die Hard
It was dark and exceptionally quite except for the approaching hums of engines here and there, but those were few and infrequent. I clutched the worn photograph tightly as I peered down it trying to piece things to together and understand what it could mean for the case. I think Sam and I had finally cracked it wide open, but there were several things that remained unclear like the object the spirit was tied to and where we could even locate such a thing, but the identity was now clear, almost painfully obvious. I tapped my heel against the hood of my SUV where I was sitting and ran my fingertips lightly over the dog tags in my hands, but a voice broke the silence.
"Well, well look at who is all grown up and out on her own, mommy finally let you out the front door C.C.". I knew that voice, I had not heard that voice in so long, only one person called me C.C. it couldn't be, there was no way. I whipped around and jumped off the hood almost instantly; to be met by the piercing green eyes I never thought I would see again. Her hair, fire red shiny locks, was much longer, but it was tied away into a neat French braid, her nails were perfectly kept adorned with a French manicure, unlike my bitten down and bloody ones, and she was as vivacious and uh…well-endowed as ever wearing a tight low cut v-neck with a short leather mini skirt and lace up bootie heels. It was Faith alright, I felt this odd mixture of feelings; I wanted to run and hug her, to cling to the first materialization of my brother in seven years, but she was the reason he was gone and the other part of me wanted to strangle her right then and there, but I could finally get answers, a chance at finding Griffith, what I needed to do in reality…was trap her.
"Faith." I blurted out a bit shakily, I could not mask my surprise or raw feelings.
"I can see that your still a bit shaken up dear, seven years not enough time for you to lick your wounds?" She chided at me. This wasn't the Faith I knew, the Faith I knew took care of me in my undergraduate years when I got mono, coached me through one of my worst relationships, and played air guitar alongside me to Led-Zeppelin, then again that all was a lie, she stole Griffith from me, she was not human, she was not who she pretended to be, she did not love my brother or my family the way I thought she did, but could she fake all of that. I was so conflicted, the last time I saw her, the prophecy, and then she was gone before I could even get a word out edgewise. So all I could feel now was emotion, longing, hatred, sadness, and nostalgia, I did not know what to think or how to feel, I just needed answers. I balled up my fists tightly searching for some kind of strength.
"Where is he?" I spat out emotionally, my voice breaking.
"Still so weak, so fragile, so ruled by emotion. That's why it had to be him, it could never be you, you just could never fill the role." Faith chuckled appearing almost amused, this was sick, I felt sick.
"What role?" I seethed out, my stomach churning.
"Oh little one, all in good time all in good time." I flinched at little one it was her term of endearment for me besides C.C. anytime she comforted me, anytime she stopped me from running the toilet to make myself wretch, or helped to pull me out of a relationship that was destroying me she always called me little one.
"Don't call me that, you lost that right, where is my brother you lying, conniving traitor!" I cried out my voice breaking entirely as a tearless sob attempted to shake my body. I hadn't plunged my index finger and thumb down my throat in months, but for the first time in a long time the urge was their again, I needed another feeling, a way to escape, my stomach lurched again and my fingers twitched. All of sudden I heard footsteps, running, and the sound of voices, Dean and Sam. Faith held up her hand though and some shield went up, I could see them and hear them, and they could see and hear me, but they couldn't come any closer. I couldn't register on what they were saying it was all too much, I could only filter through Dean's curses and threats and Sam's attempts at negotiation.
"What C.C. you going to go stick your fingers down your throat again numb the pain? Where's Bryson now, I think your jumbled brain could use another good push down a cement staircase." My body shook, she was using all my weaknesses all, my darkest moments and turning them out, bringing them out to play again, she helped heal me to only reopen the wounds. I felt rage, I felt betrayal, but most of all I felt pure hurt and loss, loss of a friend, a sister, of someone I trusted.
"Shut up, shut up, shut up! Where is he god damint where is my brother you sick bitch! What did you do with him, he wasn't yours to take!?" I screamed approaching her like a whirlwind of rage.
"Step it back Pollyanna, I know who you really are, your true colors, remember that, you can front all you want with me, but I know the truth about you, every detail, now step down, don't make me make things ugly, wouldn't want to damage that adorable little face the way Bryson did, now would we?" This bitch I cant believe this how could she fake all this, how could she do this to me.
"Faith you and I have a lot of history, but I will not hesitate in harming you to get to Griffith, I wouldn't even think twice about it." I barked out trying to keep up the act, trying to stand resolute.
"You harm me? You naïve, silly little girl, you couldn't even leave a scratch on me if you managed to muster up all your strength and a bit more. Do you still not get it, what I am, what this is? This isn't a human playing field anymore honey, suit up, you're batting with angels now." Angels. What the actual shit, what a joke, and before I could react she smirked at me with a sly wink and disappeared in flash of light and rush of wind as the shield collapsed. I heard running, but I couldn't think I needed to get to her, to get Griffith. I started to run.
"FAITH! You stupid freaking, bitch! You get your ass back here right now, I swear to god I will end you, son of a bitch!" I dropped to my knees in pure frustration, everything hurt, she made me relive all my darkest moments and worst of all was watching her cut me up and toss me out, plunging into my soul taking it out, putting it on display as a joke for all to see and then throwing it away like yesterdays trash. And for the first time in 5 months I jammed my thumb and index fingers down my throat and wretched. I wretched for all that I had lost, for the trust I had in Faith, for Griffith, for my own naïve and stupid ways, and I just kept going my esophagus burned my stomach doubled with pain, until someone was at my side rubbing my back and softly taking my fingers away from my mouth.
"No more tonight Caroline, no more." Sam's voice was gentle. I couldn't fight I was weak she was right I was done, I felt numb, dead, like the days I first found out about Griffith, I was a rag doll. I plopped down onto my butt, and just stared at the cement lost completely, once again swirling into my own world. I had always held out the naïve hope that Faith had been possessed and just used as a pawn because she was close to Griffith, but now I knew the truth, she really had actively deceived us all and the bond I had with her was all fake and simply a joke to her and besides losing Griffith, that hurt most of all. For the first time the Winchester Brothers had nothing to say, and that was indeed rare, no banter, no back talk, no questions, no comments just silence, the way I liked it. Sam softly helped me up, and I let him lean me against him as we walked quietly back to the motel, Dean was nowhere to be found, how typical, selfish prick. My stomach ached and my throat burned I turned my head away from Sam and spit, then dug into my pocket for a stick of gum, my old go to. I knew what I had done just now, I took the equivalent of a relapse hit and I would be hooked again, I knew that this meant back to the days of me and the porcelain bus as buddies for life, and I was ashamed mostly, but at the same time relived to have it as a crutch again, as an outlet for my emotion for my need for order and control. Sam did not say anything he simply sat me down at his bed brought me a glass of water and sat back down at the table by his computer, he just knew that now wasn't the time for anything, but silence.
The clock read 4:03 am my stomach lurched in hunger pain, maybe if I just ate something one little thing, I could just keep things the way they were, and quell the hunger pains and find sleep again. I looked around the room, Sam had taken the couch and for once seemed to be sleeping quite deeply and Dean had returned and was passed out face down in his pillow, typical, self-absorbed ass. I quietly stepped out of my bed and padded towards the door. I slipped a keycard off the table, and slipped out of the room as quietly as possible heading for the vending machine. The cold air woke me up and the bright flashing lights of the vending machine seemed to taunt me. I punched in A-3 watching a Mounds bar slowly descend into the hatch. I quickly grabbed it out and tore open the wrapper. I was starving, as I bit into the candy bar, the familiar taste brought me back, to Halloween. Griffith and I always had joint costumes from Buzz light year and woody, I was buzz comical I know, to Harry Potter and Hermione Granger, we really were inseparable, it hurt, everything hurt again, I was so raw from Faith, I just couldn't control things anymore I needed my outlet and all of sudden I just wanted the candy bar out. It wasn't just about the origins of the disease anymore, that when I looked in the mirror I still saw that chubby eleven year girl that was tormented, it was also about that I needed a way to channel the pain, to bury my feelings to walk on like I was fine. I fast walked back to our room and quietly slipped inside and into the bathroom softly shutting the door.
As always I leaned my body over the white hard safety net I had chosen for years, and expertly inserted my fingers into my throat gagging multiple times, until I heard a pop and felt a pain and a lurch as the candy bar I just ingested finally came up, but then there was another sound, one that never belonged in this scene, the creak of the bathroom door. I instantly spun around trying to close it, never wanting to be caught in the act, but the body was already half way in the door and I was too weak. Instead I resumed my position on the floor and cast my eyes towards the floor expecting a scolding from Sam.
"Jesus, you really are just as screwed up as Sam and I." Dean what the hell, embarrassment and rage swelled within me as my eyes met his, he was hovering over me with some strange pained look in his eyes.
"What's it to you, just get out ok."
"Come on you've emptied your system for the night lets go to bed and make sure to pop a mint first." He barked like a military officer, what the hell, I did not need this from him of all people.
"I'm not going anywhere with you and this is none of your business."
"The hell it isn't you are apart of our hunt and I can't have any of this bull-shit happening its not healthy, you need some tough love enough is enough." What the hell.
"Screw you, you insensitive prick."
"Yell at me all you want princess, get it all out."
"You disgust me."
"Good the feeling is mutual, now enough get back in bed, don't make me carry you."
"Stay away from me." I bit out seething and ready to burst from everything I had held inside.
"Alright you pick the hard way as usual, figures." And when he came towards me instinctively I punched him right in the gut. He doubled over and glared at me.
"Alright that's how you wanna do this fine!" He yelled his eyes blazing and his voice strained, and then for the first time in his presence I cowered away in pure fear, flashbacks playing threw my mind of Bryson all of Bryson and I saw red. I just began flailing my fists at him while trying to scoot away everything was red I heard and saw nothing, I was panicking, I was lost, I was transported, I was with Bryson. Until finally I couldn't move my arms anymore because two strong calloused hands were clasping my wrists and the green eyes that normally looked at me hardly were looking at me softly with concern and worry. And then I felt it, for the first time since I could remember I could feel my face soaked in tears, my eyes felt puffy and swollen, I had cried and I didn't even know that I had started. I didn't speak I just let out a strangled labored breath. Dean didn't speak either as he slowly cradled my limp body in his arms and lifted me off the ground, and I couldn't fight I was half in shock half still in a daze. I just let him carry me silently and smoothly to the bed. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Sam looking on full of worry and concern and I saw Dean motion something to him before Sam walked out the door quietly. Dean looked at me and simply muttered.
"You're ok, you are ok." And then everything went blue.
Empty, that's what the musty old hotel room was when I awoke and the past day's events came rushing back to me in an emotional slideshow I wished I could just forget or erase. At least I was alone with my shame. The last thing I wanted was the Winchesters to see everything I was, to know my past, to know me, and now because of Faith, the name even felt filthy in my mind, they knew enough to piece together everything, all my demons, all my skeletons, all my personal haunts. I sat up, cradling my face in my hands dejectedly. I just was at a loss, I couldn't continue on like this rough and tumble chick with not a concern in the world now, they knew all my weakness, what plagued me, what followed me around, and I would have to answer to them…not if I left though. And then there it was like always, the option of cutting out. So without another thought, I quickly gathered up my few belongings shoved them into my beat up duffel, and raced to throw my shoes and a sweatshirt on, a shower could wait. Did I need to leave a note? No, notes weren't my thing I just wanted a clean break, like all the times before, and I needed to go now or I would miss my window, if they came back to soon. I grabbed my keys and scooted out the door of the motel to my car without a backwards glance.
The bright lights of the gas station were giving me a migraine, I needed to take a rest, I had driven aimlessly down the highway for hours now, where I was going was undecided. I removed the nozzle of the pump from my tank easily, while realizing where I should be headed next for answers…Faith's hometown. Faith claimed to hail from Maine, which checked out because my brother and I had gone with her to Maine to meet her entire family, hence either they knew something or nothing and Faith was still there keeping up some sort of farce, either way though I could find answers in Maine. Thankfully, I was able to quickly block Sam and Dean's numbers so I had not heard from them directly per say, however several other private callers had been piercing through my atmosphere through the stupid cellular device, which I was assuming was Dean and Sam's other cells once they caught wind of the fact that I blocked the numbers they had given me. Another unknown caller pierced the silence and lit up my cell's screen, I chucked the phone into the well of the passenger seat as I climbed back into the car, I never wanted to interact with the Winchesters again, in part out of shame as well as disdain …at least that's what I liked to think of it as, even though this small part of me felt this strange attachment and connection, I never wanted to acknowledge or develop. People, when it came to my life, were meant to be kept at an arm's length, I couldn't ever walk around with close deep seated bonds it got me nowhere. Hmm 45 voicemails though was a hell of a lot maybe I should listen to at least one, so as I drove on I hit the speaker button on my visual voicemail and played the most recent one.
"Hello there dearie. Remember me? Its Crowley, now I would not want to harm a hair on that pretty little head of yours, but you appear to be causing quite the stir down here, and well I've found that you are quite integral to my endeavors. In any case either you come about to where we had our last little chat in two days time, before dawn on the second day to be technical about it, or my friends will personally come and escort you there. The choice is yours, oh and say hello to the boys now would you, send them my kindest regards." Mother shitting hell, great just great! I haphazardly pulled to the side of the highway and banged my head against the steering wheel, this demon-bounty was ruining me. This just could not get any worse….I needed back up…experienced back up….and that would be Buffy and Van Helsing, screw me, this is just great, freaking sunshine and rainbows. They were going to murder me for disappearing…and I did not want to deal with them, but a demon bounty, Crowley's men…how was I going to be able to handle that, and I doubt I could outrun it. I sighed heavily and dialed Sam's number reluctantly and a bit nervously.
"Caroline! Where are you!? Are you in danger!? Did you run off again! We talked about this, Demon bounties are no joke, you can't just go gallivanting around as you please!" Then all of sudden before I could speak I heard shuffling, a shout, and some sort of aggressive movement.
"You better give me your damn coordinates right now, either way, I'm tracking your damn phone, I'm coming to haul your ass back with us whether you like it or not! You better stow your crap away and cooperate, you have no idea what this has felt like where the hell are you?!" Dean was barking at me not just angrily, but emotionally he wasn't just mad he was concerned.
"I'm on the side of a highway." I mumbled dejectedly.
"Give me the damn coordinates and sit tight." So I quickly spit them out, Griffith taught me that type of stuff a while ago when he first joined the service, in case I was ever in a jam. After I replied, Dean abruptly hung up, but not before I could hear in the background the rev of the Impala's engine and its tires screeching out of some motel parking lot I assumed. Well I mind as well demon-proof the car while I wait, don't need to be abducted while waiting for the goon squad. So I pulled out my black can of spray paint and started drawing any type of warding symbol I could think of all over my car windows, at least it would pass the time and give me some piece of mind, then I locked the doors, just for shits, knowing the stupid car lock would offer no protection against what was coming for me. Even though Crowley had given me a deal there would be demons searching high and low to bring me in and receive praise from the King of Hell, Crowley wanted me for whatever reason, and it really did not matter how he got me, making it a demon hunt free for all, just dandy! Finally I laid down in the well of my SUVS second row of seats, it was damn uncomfortable, but I was better off being concealed in anyway possible.
My screwed up and morbid thoughts were interrupted by a pound on my passenger window and Deans gruff voice.
"Caroline I swear to god you better be somewhere in this damn car!" I quickly jumped to my feet and of course crashed my head into the ceiling of my car, shit! I felt woozy, and I tried to reach for the handle of the door, but Dean had already picked the lock and swung it open.
"You goddamn stubborn, idiotic, pain in the ass klutz, come here." He roughly dragged me out the vehicle and leaned me against him, brushing back my hair from my forehead, examining where I bumped my head.
"You ok, coherent, know your name, birthdate, parents, the basics?!" He inquired a bit aggressively.
"Yeah, yeah caveman I know who I am, could you tone it down though I'm kind of in pain here."
"Who the hell are you calling a caveman?! Oh never mind forget it you priss, Sam, here are her keys follow me alright." Dean said to Sam who had been on the other side of the car.
"Sure thing, good to have you back Caroline." Sam called out gently to me, I shrugged.
"I have no other choice, Crowley is coming for me in two days, I needed back up."
"What?!" Sam asked incredulously.
"She'll fill us in back at the hotel, its much safer there, just drive Sam, I got the Diva for now."
"I'm no diva ya big man-baby-child."
"Wow, well at least that was original, come on Rocky, I think ya jumbled your noggin a bit in that rough fight with you car, it clearly beat you to a pulp."
"Shut up already you arrogant pig."
"Just get in the car, you are so difficult."
"I'm difficult, have you met yourself?!"I cried as Dean pushed me into the passenger seat aggressively.
"Would you be quiet for one damn moment, jesus!" Dean replied climbing into the driver's seat and starting the engine.
"Fine silence it is bonehead."
"Thank god." He muttered as we sped away in the Impala.
The three of us sat huddled around the off-kilter table in their motel room listening to Crowley's message playback.
"Son of a bitch." Dean remarked standing and gripping the back of his chair angrily, as Crowley's voice cut out. "We are about to have every demon in a 100 mile radius so far up our asses we will need a demon killing enema to freaking remove them!"
"Yeah we definitely have a slight issue here." Sam replied rubbing his temples in a distressed manner.
"A slight issue Sam…this ain't no slight issue.. .this is more like a slice of hell right in our backyard , that we are going to have to claw our way out of if we have any hope of freaking surviving, we need back up, more hunters, freaking call Bobby." Dean rambled off exasperatedly.
"I got it Dean." Sam said attentively, while rising to his feet and heading for the door of the motel room as he dialed Bobby's number I assumed. I sighed and leaned my head against the table dramatically, groaning. All of sudden I felt Dean punch me lightly in the arm, I growled, looked up and glared at him.
"That isn't funny."I bit out.
"Yeah well neither was you ruining off on me..I mean us like that."
"Why do you even care Dean, aren't I just a disturbance to your way of life or whatever?" I spat out bitterly, despising being someone's burden or problem.
"No, you're part of this now, Sam and I, at least for sometime, and we take care of our own, that's what we do."
"I'm not part of anything, and trust me you would not want me to be."
"You may be a pain in my ass, but you are a pretty solid hunter and you have a decent knowledge base, so you aren't slowing us down quite yet, except for when you pull your Houdini disappearing acts, so I would say we want ya around." He replied languidly.
"You should listen to Faith, I'm trouble, should have let me go when you had the chance."
"That Angel bitch, you want me to listen to her, yeah ok Caroline, lets start listening to Crowley's opinions about Sam and I as well while we are at it."
"Dean you just don't get it do you I'm walking menace, a broken mirror, bad freaking luck." Dean chuckled darkly.
"Sweetheart what do you think Sam and I are? But instead of throwing a little pity party we stow the sob story and we do our damn job, we make a difference in anyway we can, and I suggest you do the same." Dean replied in a stern and commanding manner.
"You have no idea the damn good I've done." I scoffed sarcastically thinking back to the blue van, cringing in mental agony.
"Sweetheart we all have got pasts you have to learn to live with it, stow it."
"the past…it isn't even past." I replied automatically quoting Faulkner without a second thought, because that was my life philosophy. The past lived, it walked with you, it was a shadow, a guider, an old friend, or sworn enemy…and whatever you deemed it, you could never shake it or kill it because it was a much you as your present self, never to be removed, stamped out, or misplaced; it was immutable. And maybe that's why so much haunted me because the past in my eyes was alive and I could not walk a single step without it.
"You have to let it go Faulkner." My eyes went wide…how did lug head over here know Faulkner.
"Don't give me that look, Sam loves to quote things and use big words…and be a big college man so here and there I have to do some reading to keep on top of his weird hobbies, which get mixed into our job." Dean replied gruffly immediately sensing my surprise.
"Nothing wrong with a little literature." I replied shrugging.
"You like that stuff?" Dean asked, not with attitude, but with some type of interest, and I felt compelled to be honest for once.
"It was my escape my whole life. Whenever things got tough…whenever I wanted to run, I got lost….in a library, a book store, whatever, any place I could get my hands on something, anything to read. I've read and reread most of the classics…Steinbeck is my favorite American author…I wanted to be a writer…that was my real dream…thing, whatever you call it, I don't know, that's gone now though, just an old memory." I spilled out rambling all over the gamete like an old geezer spilling their life story to anyone who would listen.
"Why is it gone?" Dean asked softly turning to face me in his chair and placing a large hand on my knee firmly.
"Because I'm not a child anymore. Those were the dreams of a little girl, and that girl well she's changed and she has other responsibilities to face and bear. Everyone has to face the music…when they tell you, you can do and be whatever you desire they forget to tell you that, that all changes when life happens and reality sets in and plays its role." I replied cynically.
"Yeah reality does change things, can't always have the apple pie life we dreamed up in our heads at eight, but it's good to have passions…Sam has them, hell sometimes I even have them."
"Ok Dean, then what are yours?" I inquired sarcastically.
"Besides beautiful women and quality alcoholic beverages." He quipped comically while winking at me.
"Yeah besides those great love affairs." I chided sarcastically with a small chuckle. And then I felt Dean shift a bit, his face grew harder, but there was a hint of resilience there.
"Honestly one would have to be cars, something about being under a hood, it just makes everything else fade into the background, it's an escape much like yours probably. And I guess the other would be hunting."
"Why would hunting be your passion." I bit out.
"I've never known anything else Caroline. This is the way I know to change things, to make the world somewhat better, to sift through all the crap out there, and trust me there's a god damn lot, and find that bit of light even if its just for that one moment until another monster or apocalypse comes along. Cause hell knows that stuff ain't stopping anytime soon and either way some poor bastard has got to handle it and I guess I'm that poor bastard." It made sense and resonated with me and I nodded in approval.
"Alright well I need a drink doll face, don't wait up." He rose to his feet getting ready to turn on his heel, when I instinctively did something I never did, I hooked my small fingers into his pulling him lightly back towards me. He narrowed his eyes at me and cocked his head to the side.
"Your touching me…are you ill?" He asked sarcastically feeling my forehead.
"No you goon I'm fine…I just…Well Sam's gone…and I…." I trailed off not wanting to appear weak, but also nursing a growing fear of Crowley, my last encounter with him was far from pleasant.
"You don't want to be alone." He finished easily. "Alright, but I better not be Sam's substitute cause I'm not ok with that." He said smiling kneeling down in front of me and scooting his large frame in between my legs. He was close to me now his head at my level. I could smell firewood, and mints and for once I easily just smiled at him and leaned my head against his muscular shoulder and breathed deeply. He then brushed his finger along the side of my head and brushed back my hair behind my ears gently. Finally he dragged the tip of his finger down to my chin and softly pushed my head up and my eyes met his. And then with all the ease and time in the world his face got closer and closer to mine, and he softly kissed my nose, my forehead, my cheekbones, and my eyelids. Then he pulled back again and cupped my face softly while leaning his forehead against mine. He closed his eyes for a moment and we just sat our foreheads connected both breathing hardly like we had run some marathon. Until finally he pushed forward just an inch, and set my whole body on fire with some sort of electrical storm of nerves and butterflies, as he kissed me for the first time, but before he even could wrap his arm around the small of my back I heard the motel lock jingle, Sam. I panicked and shoved him off of me, running into the bathroom, locking the door, and switching on the shower for good measure, but not before I heard Dean call out my name. Finally I shakily slid to the floor my body tingling with things I could not identify, some old some new, all things I never wanted to harbor, feel, or deal with all things I saw as a problem. I had to scrub it away and purge myself of it, I had to, but in the back of my mind I knew I would be addicted to the high, the emotion, the safety, the craziness of that kiss, and if I didn't ditch the boys soon, I would go back for more.