Chapter 6- Freedom From the Human Trap

"Look, you do not have to tell us everything, but we do need you to shed some light on what that angel said so we at least know what's true what's distorted and or false, as well as your dealings with Crowley." Sam stated gently as him, Dean, and I lounged around the motel room. I was still a little buzzed from the drinks Dean and I got so I was a bit looser, a bit less guarded, so telling them something, parts of the truth, would not be as painful.

"Yeah I know, I'll give you the highlights how does that sound." I replied trying to lighten the mood a bit and draw the focus away from how screwed up I actually was.

"Good enough." Dean shot quickly, looking towards me expectantly. I looked down at my hands as I tired to find my voice and allow myself to go back to those places, those moments I had been trying to leave in the past for years now.

"When I was eighteen Griffith brought home Faith from college. We were both a few semesters away from graduation, but it was already decided that after graduation I would go on to enter law school and he would be entering the military as an officer. He had this inherent sense of duty, its something he always believed he needed to do as a citizen and as a person. Him and Faith had been together about a year by then and he felt pretty serious about her and knew he would have to leave her to do his training and tours, so naturally he wanted her to get accustom to us and become like part of the family, so she could come to us and have a place to go while he was away. I was young and naïve at the time, a lot different from the person I am now. I loved Faith on sight, she was everything I felt I was not and aspired to be confident, blaze, beautiful, charming and intelligent. She took me under her wing and when Griffith left she was his stand in, and we became like sisters. Faith saved my life, on multiple occasions." I paused for a sad shaky breath and felt Sam come and sit beside me in support.

"You alright, I know this is probably not the easiest thing for you." He stated calmly.

"Yeah just the faster its over, the better, you guys have to know at this point I don't have much of a choice if I want our plan to work."

"I agree." Sam replied easily, nodding at me to continue. I picked at my nails roughly not wanting to look anyone in the eye as I began to speak again.

"While Griffith was gone I guess I fell off the straight and narrow. I was attending Columbia Law and was still dating my college boyfriend Bryson. Bryson had this hold on me I can never fully explain to you, he was bright and manipulative and over the years he made me feel like I needed him, like I was not enough separate from him and I just wanted the security of his presence having been dumped in high school by someone I thought I loved, like the moron I was. I somehow knew Bryson would never leave me, so even though I wasn't in love with him, I stayed, I settled, I chose security I guess and he was a crutch for me. However, stuff got really, well, bad my first year of Law School. Bryson had always been borderline verbally abusive, which he blamed on PTSD due to his biological parents abusing him as a child. That year though I don't know, it was like a switch flipped, it stared when he threw me down a cement staircase in my dorm one night while we were fighting and it got so bad that he trapped me in his room one night threatening to kill me while I hysterically screamed and cried. Thankfully his roommate called the Police as he overheard what he was happening from outside the door when he returned that evening. The police chalked it up to a domestic dispute, and really did not conduct any further investigation, nor did I prompt any. For a while I, well I did not tell anyone, I just stayed with him taking the abuse, partially because I was afraid to leave him, as well as that I was embarrassed by the whole situation, but most of all I felt guilty. He always threatened to kill himself the few times I tried to break up with him and or blamed his issues on his horrible childhood, hence I felt this heavy obligation to him, like his well being rested on my actions, as well as that perhaps I deserved the abuse, that I was atoning for some of my choices and actions, a type of penance, and that it was the only kind of treatment I was good enough for. Either way though, I was too weak to leave until Faith found the bruises all over my stomach over that Christmas break and forced the truth out of me. From then on she became like my guardian, she helped me leave Bryson for good and file a restraining order against him, she also helped me to overcome my anorexic and bulimic tendencies I had harbored since middle school, which probably contributed to why I remained with Bryson as well, I was insecure, broken, damaged goods, who else would ever want me. And for a while things were great Faith was my best friend she saved me, from all those issues, until the summer of that year when Griffith disappeared in Afghanistan and she recounted the prophesy to us. So everything she said about me….well, yeah…its true." I felt numb, I had rehashed so much, reopened so many gashes, I felt like my soul was on display gushing blood, and I hung my head dejectedly knowing I still had to fill in the gaps in with Crowley, but the blue van, Tristan, that was something I would not recount, that was something, no one needed to know. Sam clasped a large hand on my shoulder.

"You can tell us the rest in the morning, that's not a huge issue, if it's too much right now." I knew Sam could sense my fear and torment, but I would rather just finish; rip it off fast like a Band-Aid.

"No its ok, just, its easier to finish now. I've met with Crowley twice. Once in regards to a deal my mother made and the other for a deal I attempted to make. One was shortly after Griffith disappeared, which was my own, it was when I first learned about crossroad demons, I was trying to atone for something I had done when I was a teen, right a wrong, but in the end my mother found me just in time and stopped the whole process, and it was then that I stopped seeing her as my protector and friend I think. I was trying to cast out the darkness to make things ok again and she just took charge like always, never letting me decide anything for myself. So to answer your question, no I have never made a deal with Crowley, but I came pretty close. The second time I met with him I tried to change the deal my mother made. Her deal was any information Crowley had and or gained on Griffith or the prophecy he relayed to my mother, all she had to give was her soul. It wasn't a typical soul exchange, however, there was no grace period or end of my mothers existence up here at least for the time being. Crowley somehow separated her soul from her body, so she remained her, alive and well physically so she could endlessly search for Griffith, but she was without a soul. And I, I just, I could not handle that, my mother soulless, she wasn't, she isn't my mother anymore, honestly I don't know who she is, she only focuses on the task, the woman I knew is not there anymore only fragments and pieces, she barely remembers raising my siblings and I now. I wanted to trade my soul for hers, my mother has other obligations, duties, my family needs her, but me I could be the soulless one with a sole purpose, finding my twin, he is my twin after all. I really had no strings and or importance, I would not be as missed, but Crowley he wouldn't have it, souls are not up for exchange I guess. So I met with Crowley twice, once hoping to make a deal, the other hoping to alter one and I failed each time, so I guess that's pretty much all of it, unless you feel you need to know something else, but I really don't have much else to tell." I finished dejectedly.

"Jesus." Dean whispered.

"Yeah my existence is pretty pitiful, I realize that, just, look I'm not some piece of china you have to be afraid of chipping. I'm already chipped and I've been broken apart too many times to count, but each time I've found my pieces and glued myself back together and right now I really am fine. I was really screwed up the other day because it's the first time I've seen Faith in seven years, it shook me up, but I've got it together now really. I've spent along time getting over all this shit, I have to if I want to find Griffith, and that's really my only purpose. So I promise you I have stowed this shit. I'm together and can handle this, I know what's at stake." I did not what my dismal story and existence to make them doubt me. I may be damaged goods, but I was resilient and tough, I spent the better half of my years without Griffith growing another layer of skin and I could handle this, I was ready to walk into the fire, my past was with me, but I knew I could take what was to come.

"We've all got dark crap kid, its what makes us hunters. That dark stuff is what makes all of us one and the same, sunshine and rainbows don't normally come with the territory, so if you say you have it together we believe you." Dean replied easily and I appreciated his lack of judgment for once as well as expression of trust. Sam nodded in agreement patting me on the back like you would a teammate after a tough game. And for once I genuinely smiled at both of them.

"So we all in."

"You got it Fido." Dean quipped.

"Well get everything in order in the morning, start making preparations and taking steps." Sam stated, I was thankful they had just dropped my past so easily and did not make a show of pitying me and making me feel like a freak. I had a feeling they had some nasty shit in their past too and probably knew what I was feeling, so at least we had common ground there.

"Just one thing, Caroline." Sam added lightly, I pinched the skin at the top of my hand, while nodding my head, a bit nervous about this last inquiry.

"How much does Crowley know about your past and the people in it, just because he not only is the king of hell, but he is the king of manipulation and anything he has on you no matter how small, will be used against you." I sighed in slight relief, but also confusion in that I was not all that sure about what Crowley was aware of.

"To be perfectly honest, I'm not exactly sure, I mean I'm pretty positive him and Faith are not in cahoots or anything like that so he should not know about Bryson or any of that other mumbo jumbo, what he knows is the deal I tried to alter that my mom made and the one I attempted to make and what not.." I trailed off quietly, trying to get off the topic of my own deal, the information I just could not unwind, my mark, my private sin. The mark that I would forever be walking with and living with, but of course he spoke up, he never could leave well enough alone.

"Caroline, what was the deal?" Dean pressed, his eyes boring into my brain, trying to reach the depths of my conscience, behind the walls, behind the layers of sarcasm searching for answers for truth.

"I told you my mom her deal, I wanted to trade my soul for hers." I stated simply, trying desperately to evade the real question in anyway I could, even if I had to feign misunderstanding.

"Caroline you know that's not the deal I meant, your deal Caroline." He kept pressing, digging, he couldn't just stop, typical Dean. I felt my anger bubble up as a defense mechanism and all I wanted to do was run, to ditch, to quit, but I couldn't I was trapped. So I swallowed my rage and composed myself, knowing that my reaction would be key in this response it could make everything fall apart in an instant, I could not be angry.

"It was nothing important, I was young naïve, I thought, I thought that Crowley could bring Griffith back locate him, that was my attempted deal. I'd trade him for me, my mom stopped it, she caught wind of it somehow, she has some psycho sixth sense about that kind of stuff." I lied, I couldn't, I just, the blue van, the red and white lights, that was mine, my own private hell, I could not open the gorge, I never would, I never could. I felt Dean's eyes burn into my body as I looked at the ground. I knew he did not fully believe or buy what I was saying, he was no moron, but I didn't care, this wasn't his to know or hold. It was my shadow, my stalker, and my demon.

"Are you sure there isn't anything else?" He pushed again, this time softer, probably trying to find some vulnerability, prey on some part of me, so he could open me up and devour all my inner riddles, but no I would not let him or anyone else relive my own shop of horrors, it was too much too bear. I just that was pain I needed to feel on my own solely, I would always have to pay penance and repent and no one could share in it, even if it was just to blame me or judge me, no that would still be shouldering it. My penance had to be to shoulder that memory, that instance always and solely alone. I needed to be with it alone it's what I deserved, what my actions amounted to and warranted.

"I'm positive Dean, I was desperate, I would do anything to get my twin back, imagine if you lost Sam the lengths you would go to find him and you guys are simply brothers not twins, for twins it goes deeper than that." I answered confidently, raising my gold eyes to meet his steel green ones, challenging him again to accuse me of the lie we both knew was hanging in the air between us.

"Well if that's the truth, then we should be all set. He may try to press you about Griffith, but since we know Faith is indefinitely an angel, I can almost guarantee Crowley has no information or say over Griffith, so he cannot use that too much." He replied firmly, giving in, but not wholly, of course adding a small dig, but I took it knowing I could not push this any further if I wanted it to drop here.

….

"Mommy, Mommy, where, help, please, I hurt!" The screaming, it just kept repeating over and over. It was chilling, so young, so high-pitched, laced with agony and fear, raw fear. It was dark everywhere, complete darkness, not a shed of light, illumination, or even a shadow. I reached out towards the screaming that was on a loop, repeating over and over, yet growing fainter and fainter each time, signaling how close its finish was, how close death was. I flailed my arms, anything to move just an inch, to do something, to feel something. My legs were pinned down in agony, I could only fail my arms, and for so long I could not feel anything and I began to feel each part of my body one joint, one bone at a time, until wet warm liquid rushed through my fingertips. And I did not have to see it to identify it, blood, it was everywhere filling the space, drowning the screams. And then I couldn't breathe.

"Caroline, Caroline, CAROLINE STOP, STOP IT." And then, I was back in the motel, there was a dim light, I was in a bed, a cold sweat drenching my small frame, with my extremities swinging everywhere in a panic, beating the crap out of a broad guy with beautiful green eyes shirtless with sweatpants hanging low on his hips, who was in a frenzy beside me trying to restrain me, Dean.

"So help me god Caroline, do not make me slap you, I will, you need to come to now, you are going to hurt yourself!" He roared clearly angry and slowly I was able to regain control of my limbs, and my body finally went slack, and all I could register on was Dean's ragged and heavy breathing, clearly unnerved, and his large hands tight grip on my wrists.

"Jesus, Caroline." He breathed in relief.

"Your hands, you're hurting me." I spoke softly almost childlike, still in a daze, night terror that's all I could think, I had not had one in months, but clearly reliving all that stuff set it off again, cause I definitely just had one.

"Oh shit, sorry I was just trying to make sure you didn't knock yourself out there Fido, you throw some pretty nasty punches in your sleep even though your form is shit." He tried to joke easily as he quickly let go of my wrists.

"Sorry, night terrors, have not had one in months, thought I finally lost them." I explained slightly embarrassed.

"Its fine, I figured, just glad you didn't knock yourself out, that's the best fight you have put up against me so far, so I guess it was good for something."

"Yeah, yeah Van-Helsing so funny." I quipped back trying to readjust my mind and body to reality and normalcy, trying to shake the fear and guilt that I left in the darkness, the darkness, I knew all too well.

"You remember the dream? It seemed pretty awful by the way your whole body was spazzing and stuff."

"No, I never do." I lied easily; it was all connected my attempted deal, the night terrors all a sequence that needed to remain buried.

"Well I was kind of hoping to hit the sack, but now that you've gone unconscious MMA fighter on me, I'm a little concerned about sleeping next to you." He quipped raising an eyebrow at me as he quickly ran a hand through his short hair.

"I'm ok Dean, sorry, and I've never had more than one in a night so I should be totally safe. Plus I doubt I will go back into a deep sleep after that anyhow, I'll probably just be in and out of rem sleep all night, you cant have them in that stage." I stated quite logically for someone who was rambling on.

"I'm just kidding Caroline, don't worry, I can handle you." He stated easily while climbing into bed next to me, when I finally noticed Sam's absence.

"No you can't" I replied automatically and hardly.

"Uh yeah I can Fido." He replied in an annoyed fashion.

"Never-mind, where's Sam?" I inquired trying to move off the topic.

"He is actually finishing up that case we started working before all the stuff with the demon-bounty, another hunter Garth is with him. Wait, what did you mean before, I can totally handle you?"

"Wait does he need help that spirit was pretty aggressive." I asked quickly concerned about Sam, and completely ignoring the other issue.

"No we found the item the spirit was tied to and the identity so they are just destroying the item and salting and burning the bones, pretty standard. We thought you should get some rest and someone needed to stay with you, so here I am, and clearly after that display I was needed. Now stop avoiding the question, what do you mean." He pushed again, oh my god he is just infuriating. He cannot let anything go, or just learn basic social cues or at least follow them and avoid topics people clearly want to drop.

"Dean can we just drop it, I want to go back to sleep." I turned away from him pulling the cover up around my face.
"No Caroline, you don't just get to drop topics when you want to and avoid shit, you do this constantly, if you are going to open your big mouth, I want an answer." He challenged, I could feel his eyes boring into my back, uh honestly he has to be the most stubborn, arrogant, irritating dude to ever live.

"Sorry buddy, I don't want to give one, and I don't have to."

"It's a simple question Caroline. Why can't you just answer it, do you not have an answer. Sounds like you, all you do is run your mouth, and then have nothing to back up your nonsensical rants." This asshole, I swear to god. I whipped my body back over again, and sat up looking down at him angrily.

"I do not answer to you, stop trying to tell me what to do, find a new hobby. I will do what I want when I want, and avoid whatever the hell I want to." I spat out, fighting with Dean, challenging him I don't know it was electric, like some sort of sick high. He then sat up, and got up in my face like always.

"Enough of your shit, honestly, I know your lying about that deal about not remembering your dream, I know your holding back, you better spill soon sweetheart or your little, stubborn, bony ass is going to get us all killed. I'm not chancing my life on your little bullshit box of secrets." He crossed the line, and I don't know a switch flipped I couldn't help it. I shoved him roughly.

"Shut up, you arrogant shit head! You know nothing, but you seem to think you have all the answers, when you're just some overly confident wannabe playboy, with severe abandonment and daddy issues, oh wait and some unwarranted, unfounded, and ludicrous superiority complex, screw you!" I cried as I shoved him again, harder this time and his body stumbled back a bit, while a slow anger burned in his green orbs.

"Shove me again I dare you." He spat out his voice laced with passion and malice. And of course because I didn't like to back down, because I had to keep the high going, because I needed to feed off this psychotic electricity, I shoved my entire body into him roughly. And finally pushed his fat ass off the bed in a loud thump, though it was already half off before I pushed him, but that was neither here nor there. And then I realized that maybe I had taken it too far.

"That's it I've had it with you, you stuck up little brat." He roared from down below me, and even though logically I knew he wouldn't actually hurt me, and I knew that he would simply argue with me till it rained cats and dogs, but never actually become violent with me, I reacted. I flashed back again like a few days before and I scrambled out of the bed in terror from his reaction, and locked myself in the bathroom while reeling into a classic panic attack. I was back in a daze; similar to the one I was trapped in when I had awoken a few minutes ago.

"Balls." Through my haze I heard Dean curse as he got up slowly and languidly like always, and then padded to the door much softer than normal. He was trying not to spook me even further that much was obvious, but that was kind of a lost cause at that point. I had to get it together, if I wanted the boys to let me go through with this plan, I had to work through this shit. I was probably this unstable cause I had just told them all that shit and it was the first time I had talked aloud about that stuff in years, everything would settle in a few days, it had to. I have always been in control of it; it should not be any different now. Then as if on cue, there was a hesitant and soft knock.

"Caroline look, I'm, I just, I would never hurt you. I just yell and get agitated easily, but I would never lay a hand on you. It's just you're, you are infuriating and you get me all worked up and you just keep pushing it till we both blow up at one another. I just was going to yell, I would never hurt you." He finished his voice laced with regret and concern, I could tell he was on the verge of apologizing for once in his life, but I just, at this point I was wedged too much in my own world too care about challenging him and his stupid authority.

"Look can I come in please unlock the door, Fido, I didn't mean to go all American Psycho on you and freak you out." I was done fighting for the night, done challenging him, so I easily unlocked the door and resumed my position on the cold bathroom floor, as he walked through the door almost immediately. He did not touch me, or ask any more questions, instead he just slid down next to me.

"You want to go for a ride, I might let you drive my baby for a bit." He tried trying to ease the tension and the open wounds we had both created. I felt my breathing ease out finally and the tightness lift slightly from my chest, as I was able to take a deep yet shaky breath.

"Nah that's ok champ, I uhm, I should not have shoved you. I didn't mean to freak, I'm out of it cause of that night terror and whatever I'll be fine I just need to go back to sleep." I stood up quickly, firmly deciding I needed to shake my emotional baggage and get a grip immediately. He stood up too, peering at me curiously for a moment, but then he expression returned to his natural blaze stare.

"Alright let's go to bed." He stated, and I automatically rubbed the back of my neck, hit by the strange weight of his words. They really meant nothing, just words out of habit and circumstance, the lets met nothing more, it just eerily reminded me of a different time, when I shared my life and thoughts with someone else. That was stupid though I knew the let's had no other implication and I let is pass out of my thought process as I followed him back to our shared bed and climbed in on my side lazily. Then he spoke.

"The more time I spend with you, the less I feel I know you…about you, it's like some reverse relationship building crap. Like I think we find an understanding, common ground and then you just shut down. I'm not asking for a feelings circle like Sam, I just want some honesty, I didn't mean to force it though."

"I know." I replied matter of fact.

"Caroline, I'm not asking you to spill your guts and have an inner monologue moment with me, but the truth is going to have to come out and I know you're lying to us, to me."

"Its not that simple Dean." I stated, and then I felt him scoot closer to me and run a large hand through my loose ponytail wrapping a string softly around his finger.

"It is though, people make thing complicated, things are what they are, you live with them, can't change it, you complicate it."

"I thought we had a no fluff pact."

"This isn't fluff, its honesty, blatant honesty, which is in fact that exact opposite of fluff darling."

"Well what you're doing with my hair is pretty fluffy."

"Eh is it? Nah, I fidget with my hands a lot something to occupy them, it was unconscious."

"Ok."

"You are the queen of aversion, you should get an award." He quipped twirling the strand of my hair again around his finger lazily.

"Dean, bed time."

"Ok mommy, will it be snack time when I wake up, no time out chair right?" He joked childishly.

"Yeah sure Dean, it'll be pie o'clock when you wake up." I joked back.

"It's about damn time." He stated excitedly as I felt him fidget so he was lying flat on his stomach with an arm draped around the side of my body he could reach.

"Goodnight Dean." I drawled sarcastically. And then my whole body went flush and hot because he lips were right up against my ear and his whole body was pressed tightly against mine.

"You cant lie to me forever." He whispered gravely and deeply as a shiver ran up my spine and shook my body and I felt him chuckle softly, as he then just as quickly as he had rolled onto me, rolled off.

"Sweet dreams Fido." He quipped easily and there was no denying the strange tingling that was exploding at all of my nerve endings from my shoulders to my toes.