Despair and memories

When the bell rang she went back to her room to take away her bag and to take off the robes. As slow as possible she went down into the Great Hall getting lost on purpose two times that when she finally reached her place at the Gryffindor table the Great Hall was already packed with people.

"Where have you been so long?" asked Harry when she had sat down.

"Got lost..." mumbled Lillian and wondered if it would be a good idea to eat something.

"Still worried?" asked Ron and Lillian nodded staring down on her plate.

"In fact I've been wondering if I shouldn't go at all" she said and sighed.

"Yes you have to. Otherwise he might take more points from Gryffindor, or give us all detention or poison our breakfast tomorrow."

"Hmm..."

"Seriously – don't make things worse for either of us."

Lillian sighed deeply still not having touched any of the foods. "I guess I've got no choice eh?"

Ron, Harry and Neville shook their heads and tried to convince her to eat something. When dinner was almost finished and a lot of students already got up to return to their common room Ron pointed behind Lillian.

"It might interest you that Snape is leaving the Hall. I bet he goes to his office now."

"Aha" said Lillian again with a croaky voice without turning around.

She was still sitting at the table when everyone else had already left.

"You don't plan to spend the night here, do you?" asked Professor Sinistra when she passed by Lillian.

"What? – Oh – no – of course not!" replied Lillian hastily and hurried out of the Great Hall.

She had tried urgently to kill time but now that she was out of the Great Hall she had no other choice than to make her way down into the dungeons. Feeling like she left her heart at Gryffindor table and as if her legs were butter, instead flesh and bones, she tried to walk as slow as possible. When she finally reached for Snape's office she had a very dry mouth and her hands were sweaty.

When she turned around the corner she spotted Snape through the open door of his office sitting at his desk looking at a piece of paper in his hand. Lillian recognised the sadness and the hint of despair on his face and immediately felt somewhat more comfortable with the situation. She really had expected that he was waiting to tell her off or worse, though she wasn't exactly sure if that wasn't going to happen though, so a bit of nervousness stayed as she walked towards the office silently. She gulped silently when reaching the door and cleared her throat hoarsely. Instantly he threw the piece of paper that was most likely a photograph, into a drawer of his desk and his face went somewhat expressionless. He got up and walked around the desk.

"Come in and close the door" he instructed her tonelessly and then swung his wand towards the door: "Muffliato"

Lillian knew what this spell was good for and immediately wondered what in god's name wasn't supposed to be heard by someone. With another swing of his wand he darkened the only window in the room. He really seemed to be afraid of that someone could see or hear what was happening in here. A slight unease started to brew within Lillian's chest again. When he was done he took a deep breath and turned towards her. Lillian gulped and bit her lips and looked anywhere but right into his face. The only sound came from the flickering of the fire in the chimney behind the desk.

"About yesterday..." he eventually said and he sounded as if he was trying to put as much indifference into his voice as possible but couldn't quite manage to do so.

"Uhm..." was the only sound Lillian could say because Snape immediately waved his hand to make her fall silent.

"I...," he started and seemed to have some issues to find the right words before he eventually continued. "I got...carried away."

"Eh..." Lillian tried to wipe her sweaty hands on her jeans as inconspicuous as possible.

Snape looked away but before the curtain of greasy hair hid his face Lillian was able to catch a glimpse of the ashamed expression on his face. When he faced her again his face yet again was rather expressionless. She waited again nervously biting her lower lip as she forced herself to look at him. Eventually she found a few words to spare.

"Ca – Carried away?"

He nodded slowly.

"You..." he started and then looked away from her once again and even turned around facing the chimney. "You remind me of someone."

Lillian noticed the hint of sorrow in his voice and said "Oh."

"You – you may go now." His voice was somewhat croaky.

"Are – are you sure?" Instead of leaving she stepped towards him.

"Leave!" He swung around but instead of resentment there was an entreating expression on his face and his voice was close to breaking.

"Not yet" said Lillian suddenly feeling rather calm.

His lips were twitching but he said nothing. Instead he turned towards the fire again. Lillian noticed that his body was shaking slightly just as if he was at war with tears. She moved closer, reaching out her arm and putting it on his shoulder. In the next second she was lying on the floor. When her hand had touched his shoulder he had swung around once again pushing her away from him croaking "Don't touch me" and she, totally startled, had stumbled upon her own legs and fallen down. Petrified she stared up into his angry face and then all of a sudden he widened his eyes and fell on his knees. Caught by surprise she stayed where she was for a moment when he bent over, his face covered with his hands.

"Wh-What d-did I do..." He reeled back and forth a bit as if he was worshipping her only with his hands still in front of his face. He was apparently crying.

Still rather surprised seeing this man like this she sorted her limbs and scrambled over to kneel beside him. He looked like a picture of misery. Risking to get pushed away another time she put an arm around his shoulders. Almost instantly he raised his upper body, lowered his hands and looked at her, his face distorted in tears and despair. She felt a deep wave of compassion coming over her and she couldn't help but to reach out the other arm and to pull him into a hug. To her great surprise he didn't push her away. He only grabbed hold of her, lowered his head against her shoulder and cried. Still somewhat surprised about the whole situation and not exactly sure what to do she began patting his back with some hesitation.

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." he said with a tear-distorted voice and being lost for words she only went on patting his back while keeping him embraced.

After a while he lifted his head from her shoulder and detached himself from her. She moved her arms away and drew out a clean handkerchief from the pocket of her Jeans. Without even thinking she reached out her hand for his face, lifted it up until she could look into it and stroked his hair out of his face before starting to dab away the tears from his cheeks. She didn't say a word and the whole time he looked away from her apparently feeling embarrassed. When she was done she let go of him and handed him the handkerchief so he could blow his nose. He turned away from her to do so but still sobbed a little keeping the used handkerchief close in one hand.

She just kept kneeling there looking at him, her eyes full of compassion. After a few minutes he finally took a deep breath and turned his head towards her his face still mirroring despair and sadness. When he started to speak his voice was rather weak and choked.

"You are so much like her."

"I see." Her voice was soft.

"Everything about you is so much like her..." He reached out his free hand and let some fingers stroke over her cheeks and down her neck before withdrawing them again. "Even your scent and the way your skin feels."

She knew exactly who he was talking about but she didn't know if Dumbledore had told him how much she knew so she asked: "What did happen to her?"

"She... she died." He turned his face away from her and looked onto the floor.

"I'm sorry..."

He shook his head slowly. "No. You are not the one who should feel sorry."

"Why?" Before he could answer she added "What was that thing you hate yourself most for?"

There was a long pause before he eventually replied.

"I killed her..."

"Oh...may – may I ask how that happened?"

He sighed deeply and she noticed that he was fighting tears again before he answered.

"Long story."

"I see. Well we – we could sit somewhere more comfortable."

Again there was a long pause. He still sat there like a picture of misery moving her handkerchief from one hand to the other. Finally he let out another deep sigh and without looking at her he stuffed the handkerchief into one of the pockets of his cloak and got up. Then he offered her a hand to help her up but still not looking at her. After she got up he wordlessly went out of his office and she followed him.

They just turned around a corner, past the office and directly behind it he touched the door handle of a heavy wooden door with his wand and it clicked. He went in and she followed him but stopped on the threshold hesitating to enter. The room was rather dark, had only one window and the only light came from a few torches on the walls and the fire in the chimney. Most of the walls were covered with shelves and bookcases full of books, glass and clay jars and odd instruments. The floor was covered with an old carpet in Slytherin colours and wherever there weren't bookcases or shelves the walls were decorated with scary pictures and portraits. In front of the chimney was an old green armchair and beside it an empty table. Though – this room was more comfortable than the office.

When she remained at the doorstep he turned his head around to her and she quickly stepped in and closed the door. Immediately he pointed his wand at the door again and muttered "Muffliato" before closing the heavy black curtains of the only window with another swing of his wand. With a few other tips and waves of his wand the table moved to the side and the armchair got stretched now offering space for two. He sat down now hidden behind the high backrest. She took a deep breath and followed to sit beside him. He was staring into the fire with the same expression of sadness and despair she had recognized when he was looking at the picture in his office.

For a few minutes there was silence. She felt a little uncomfortable but not because of the room flair. Rather because she felt like she was forcing him to talk about something that he had locked up inside him for all this time. Finally he sighed again deeply and as he began to speak his voice was calm but with a hint of regret.

"When I was a child there was a Muggle girl in the neighbourhood. I only watched her for a long time when she was on the playground with her sister. Her name was Lily – Lily Evans."

He paused for a while staring into the fire. Lillian remained silent and after a few minutes he went on.

"One day while I was watching them on the swings from my hiding-place I saw how she was swinging higher and higher and then how she jumped off. But she didn't fall. She flew and floated down do the ground as if she had wings. Her older sister tried to tell her off but when Lily did that trick with the flower she seemed to be rather interested in learning it herself."

He paused again and peered over to Lillian to notice that she was listening closely with a faint smile.

"I revealed myself and told her she was a witch. Her sister was apparently afraid of me and tried to convince her sister that I wasn't the right boy to make friends with. Unfortunately Lily followed her when they left the playground." He sighed again and added "I guess I shouldn't have said she was a witch right after I jumped out from behind the shrub."

"Yeah – maybe. That actually isn't a very good compliment for a girl even when she was still a child."

"Well I was pretty disappointed that day and didn't go to the playground for a few days. And then one day I suddenly saw Lily from the window of my room how she was walking down the dirty streets of the industrial complex I lived in. I stormed out of the house after her and took her to a little thicket of trees and shrubs not far from the playground and we talked about the magic world and I told her of Hogwarts." He paused again and Lillian noticed another deep breath before he continued. "We even talked about my – my –"

"Your?"

Snape sighed again and eventually finished his sentence. "My family and how my father and mother were always arguing."

"I'm – I'm sorry." Lillian reached out an arm and took one of Snape's hands. He didn't pull it back.

"Later we found out that we had been spied by her sister and when I accidently let a branch fall down on her Lily ran after her. Somehow our meetings never went very good."

"Her sister was apparently jealous."

"Yes. After a few days I saw Lily again and we somewhat grew friends. When we finally got our letters she started taking me home with her. Her parents seemed to be very proud. However, a week later we found a letter from Dumbledore to her sister in which he kindly explained her why she wasn't allowed to come here."

"So she had written to Dumbledore that she wanted to go to Hogwarts too?"

"Apparently, yes. And when he explained her that she couldn't come she was very mean to us, especially to Lily. When we were on platform nine and three quarters at the beginning of our first journey to Hogwarts I heard and saw them arguing and her sister called Lily and me freaks and weirdoes. I guess she never really got over it."

"Probably." Lillian was still holding Snape's hand.

"In the train I found her in a compartment with two boys and sat down to talk to her but she was upset. When we later talked about houses the two boys started to pick on me and on her and we went into another compartment. I tried to convince her to decide for Slytherin but the Sorting Hat put her in Gryffindor." He sighed and stared into the fire.

"Did you stay friends?"

"Yes. Even though we were in different houses we were best friends until that first fateful day." His voice sounded bitter and he clenched his hands for a moment. "She apparently had other friends in Gryffindor while I had other friends in Slytherin. We grew older with slightly different points of view but while I wasn't overly interested in her friends she was somewhat interested in convincing me that my friends were evil and creepy." He paused again.

"What happened then?"

"During my time at Hogwarts the boys who had been picking on me became my enemies, especially James Potter."

"Harry's father?"

Snape clenched his hands again.

"Sorry I didn't mean to –" began Lillian but Snape shook his head.

"Yes. Harry's father." There was something grim about his voice as he continued. "We didn't miss a chance to hex each other and after a few years he started to hit on Lily. She wasn't very fond of him at that time though. In my fifth year after my O.W.L exams I sat down close to that beech tree to read and to wait for Lily but instead I got picked on by James and his Friends and he..." He took a trembling breath as if he was refusing to continue but then eventually finished. "He disarmed me and ridiculed me in front of half the school."

Lillian didn't say anything. She actually knew most of the things he had told her by now but hearing the story told by him was far more detailed. Because she wanted to comfort him somehow she moved closer and put an arm around his shoulders again as far as possible as he was a little taller than her. Her other hand remained on his.

"While he was at it Lily came along the lake with her friends and I felt even more embarrassed and ashamed. And then I did the first thing I was never able to forgive myself." He started to shake slightly and Lillian noticed that he was apparently fighting against tears again.

"Did you attack her?"

"No. I called her a mud-blood when she was trying to help me."

"Oh...uhm...not – err, very nice."

He shook his head. "I tried to apologize but she wouldn't want to hear and told me off and that she has had enough of me and my friends and our attitude. She left me standing there because I was too much of a coward to tell her that – that..."

His voice broke and through two strands of his hair Lillian could see tears running down his cheeks again. Again she pulled him closer to her and again he lowered his head onto her shoulder to cry. Comfortingly she moved her hand over the back of his head and down his back. She didn't ask him to tell her what he had not been able to let Lily Evans know because she already knew. Though, if he was calm enough to continue she would listen.