Agony and desire

The next morning at breakfast Harry and Ron were astounded, that she was still alive and even more surprised, that she had apparently done so well in her private lesson with Snape.

"He complimented you?" Ron gaped at her forgetting to bite into his toast so that the honey dropped down onto his plate.

"He just said 'Very well' and gave me full points for my potion." Lillian shrugged and ate a sausage.

"That IS a compliment" said Harry and shook his head in disbelief. "Not even Hermione ever got a compliment even though her stuff is almost always perfect."

Lillian shrugged again not showing them that the way the lesson had ended also concerned her, but it was absolutely none of their business what she shared with Snape. "He gave me an eight inch essay as homework though" she said quickly. "I'm a first year student after all even though I am older than you two together. And he didn't give me points for Gryffindor, so I guess the compliment will have to do."

They talked about Harry's Nimbus Two Thousand, Ron's family and Hagrid's invitation to visit him before Harry and Ron went down to double potions and Lillian into the library to start writing her essay for Snape, before meeting with the others in front of Binns' classroom for another dull History of Magic lesson. After lunch she joined Ron and Harry doing some homework in the common room before setting off with them to visit Hagrid.

This was the first visit Harry and Ron had at Hagrid's cabin and this was the day where Harry would find out about the closer circumstances of the break-in at Gringotts. When they left Hagrid's cabin for dinner Harry was rather silent and Lillian didn't disturb his thoughts. She knew that this was the beginning of his and Ron's adventure with the Sorcerer's Stone and she didn't want to interfere. The things had to develop the way they did as story-based as possible.

After dinner she collected her stuff from the common room and decided to take a bath before finishing some of her homework. She was sitting over the eleven inch essay for Professor Binns when it knocked on the door. She put the quill aside and looked at the clock. It was a quarter past nine. She went towards the door, opened it and saw Snape standing there.

"Oh" she said not hiding the surprise in her voice.

"May I come in?"

"Of-Of course – where are my manners..." She let him step in and then closed the door.

"I" he started and sighed walking a few steps into the room. "I had to see you."

Lillian didn't move. She was wearing a fresh pyjama and the slight smell of exotic bubble bath was still lingering in the room, especially because her hair was still somewhat soggy. Eventually she opened her mouth to say something but all she was able to manage was:

"Aha."

His eyes fell at the desk where her eleven inch essay was waiting to be continued. "Are you busy?"

"Err –"

"I can leave again."

"No!" it shot out of her mouth. "Err – I mean. Not – not necessarily. I can finish the essay another time" she added quickly blushing.

He eventually turned around. Again there was an expression on his face she wasn't able to decrypt.

"I wanted to apologize."

"Eh?" She raised a brow.

He stepped towards her. "For the sudden end of the lesson."

"No – No problem. Really."

"Don't lie!" he exclaimed colder than he had intended because he cleared his throat.

She looked down to the floor feeling a little guilty.

"I – I can't treat you like every other student" he said quietly and made another step towards her lifting her chin with his fingers. "I just can't." His voice was somewhat desperate.

"I – I see."

She walked past him and sat down at the foot end of her bed staring towards the logs in the chimney. The only light in the room came from the lit torches on the walls behind her desk and from the only slightly darkened sky outside.

He turned around as she passed him by and followed her with his eyes.

"I really tried, but..." He slowly moved towards but didn't sit down beside her. "You can't demand such a thing..."

"Hmm..." she just muttered and looking at him. "So you can't treat me as humiliating as the others." It was more a statement than a question.

"Hu-Humilating?" There was slight irritation in his voice.

"Did you think I never heard what the other students no matter in what year say about you and the methods of teaching you use?" Her voice was calm and she finally looked at him – straight in the eye.

He looked to the side apparently lost for words.

"I don't approve the way you treat the other students but it's not my mission to advise you better nor is it my business. I just thought it might be better if I wasn't treated better so the other students wouldn't get suspicious." Her voice was still calm and she didn't take her eyes off him. "I have a vague idea why it's impossible for you to bully me around and actually I have to admit that I'm quite happy about it, as I was bullied enough during my childhood and Muggle school years, but I would at least expect you to be picky and perfectionist about the way I work and about my results, too."

"I – I am" he said still not looking at her.

"I somewhat didn't have the impression you did. You even complimented my result. I heard from other students that you only do that with those you favour."

"It – it was just...what you deserved."

"Indeed?"

"The potion was flawless. Everything you did was flawless – well I could have complained about that you took your time –"

"Why didn't you do?"

"Because I saw the results. The way you prepared the ingredients, the way you sorted them and followed every single step of the brewing instructions though sometimes making slight changes..." His voice was quivering as he spoke and he took a deep breath. "I just saw your talent and the diligence you put into whatever you did."

Now Lillian was lost for words. She already had a feeling that she had done well but ever since breakfast she hadn't been all too sure anymore.

"So – So I really did well? You really handed my result to Madam Pomfrey?"

He nodded. "Of course." He finally sat down beside her. "I just came to let you know that I can't treat you like everyone else."

"Okay. But still I have to insist on the basics. Giving and taking points and homework and these things."

He nodded again apparently feeling a little relieved. "You know..." he began and then looked towards the chimney again. "This first lesson again punched me with memories. You aren't half as talented as Lily was – actually your talent seems to be exactly the same level." He sighed deeply and then finally looked at her again with a somewhat tortured expression on his face. "Whenever we are together and whenever I discover something new about you that is like Lily it tortures me and makes it hard to bear."

She looked at him blankly. "So you want to quit the lessons again?"

"No no." He shook his head. "I just – just wanted you to know why I behaved so odd yesterday so that you aren't surprised if it happens again."

"I see" she replied a bit more cheerful. "You could have sent me an owl explaining all this. Instead you pay me a visit even though it tortures you so much being with me. Why would you want to torture yourself when not necessary?"

He looked away from her again and fell silent for a while. She didn't stress him. She sure was very curious about what he would answer, but she didn't want to make him feel constrained. After a few minutes of silence he eventually turned his head towards her again, even took her hand as if he wanted to make a proposal and looked into her face.

"You know..." He took another deep breath. Apparently it was hard for him to couch it so she remained silent until he continued. "The agony isn't all. I..." He gulped slightly. It was visible that explaining all this demanded a great deal of him. "When I'm with you I feel torn between agony and something that could be called pleasure." She opened her mouth to say something but he shook his head and she closed it again. "During the days after my last visit I even felt something like – desire." He let go of her hand and looked to the side. He apparently felt very embarrassed.

She was lost for words. Whenever she took a breath and opened her mouth to say something she just closed it again and breathed out.

"I – I'm sorry if I make you feel uncomfortable."

Unfortunately she couldn't deny that she was feeling uncomfortable. Still lost for words and highly astonished she let herself fall onto the bed back first and arms slightly bent above her head. He quickly looked at her with a worried expression as if he wanted to check that she hadn't fainted. Recognising his worried face she couldn't help but smile. A few minutes later she seemed to have digested his answer even though she already had a vague idea about what was wrong with him. Eventually she patted beside her to invite him to lie down beside her. With its sixty-to-seventy-eight imperial inches her bed was big enough to offer space for two adult persons. With slight hesitation he followed her invitation and laid down beside her his hands folded on his stomach.

There was no sound but the wind rustling in her curtains and a few late birds flying into their nests. She sometimes peered over to him and so did he. Whenever their eyes met by chance they quickly looked away.

"You know..." he began quietly and with a hint of melancholy in his voice. "Lying like this almost breaks my heart."

She sat up immediately. "I – I'm sorry. I – I didn't know." She gave him an apologetic look.

He just shook his head and sat up as well. "No – don't feel sorry." He sighed. "It's just another memory."

"I see." There was nothing more she could say.

"When we were children and also later when we were in school we often were out on the grounds when the weather was nice. We usually sprawled under trees or by the lakeside and watched clouds and talked." He sighed again. "All these times and I never had the heart to just move my hand a tiny bit and take her hand." He finally looked away blushing.

She was lost for words once again. And once again she felt her heartbeat climb halfway up her throat. The minutes trickled off without a word and when she eventually stopped to suppress the urge that had been brewing inside her since he fell silent it felt like an eternity had passed by. She reached over and grabbed one of his hands. Immediately he moved his head towards her. He looked down onto his hand in hers and then back into her face several times before he opened his mouth to say something but immediately closed it again. She bit her lower lip, went brick-red and stared down to the wooden floor. She felt his hand in hers trembling slightly and then his other hand touching her face and gently forcing it to turn towards him again. She gulped dryly and tried to smile but it was more some kind of nervous grimace. The way he looked at her felt like if he was x-raying her. Then without a warning he leaned towards her and placed a nervous kiss on her lips before his face also went all red and he looked away once again but kept his hand within hers.

She didn't exactly know why she was doing it but she slit closer to him put her hand onto his cheek gently forcing his head towards hers again and kissed him back while letting go of his hand and putting her arms around his neck. After a few seconds he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her a tad closer not interrupting the kiss. She felt a tickling sensation spreading over her skin as he awkwardly began to stroke a hand up and down her back and felt her heart doing somersaults within her chest. A moment later she finally detached her lips from his and let out a quivering sigh. She opened her mouth to say something but he placed a finger on her lips, slightly shook his head and pulled her into a hug placing his head on her shoulder and her head against his chest. She heard his heart beating at least as fast as hers and closed her eyes. Again she felt that tickling sensation crawling over her skin when he stroked over her back and through her hair. So she started doing the same and felt his shivers through all the layers of his robes and his cloak. She also felt his warm, slightly trembling breath on her neck. Then after a while he suddenly began to spread kisses on her skin on his way up to her face. She kept her eyes closed and shivered as well as the tickling sensation seemed to devour her. When he reached for her cheeks and continued towards her lips he moved a hand from her back up to her head holding it with his thumb on her cheek. His lips were trembling as he finally reached hers and he could feel her quivering breath before he eventually covered her lips with a kiss. She slightly clenched her fingers into the cloak covering his back as the kiss became a bit more passionate. Apparently he was getting a little braver but a moment later he detached himself from her a little and ran a few fingers down her cheek looking at her half happy half in agony. She smiled softly and stroked his cheek then she let herself fall back onto the bed and pulled him with her.

So it happed that they came to rest in each other's arms her head against his chest and his head resting on her head. Slowly she calmed down a bit. It felt like half an eternity before he finally said something. His voice was almost a whisper.

"I should feel so happy..." He quivered.

She looked up and gave him a loving smile. "Why don't you just do?" she asked quietly.

"The agony is trying to seep through again..." He made a grimace.

She stroked a strand of his hair out of his face and shook her head slightly. "There is no room for agony tonight." And as if to underline her statement she wrapped her arms around him more tightly.

He let out a sigh. "I wish there wasn't..."

"There isn't. You just have to crowd it out."

"That is easier said than done."

She sighed and moved her body up a bit, so their faces were on one level, then pulled the arm away from under him and instead took his face into both her hands. "Where is the problem?" she asked softly looking him straight into the eyes.

"I don't deserve to be happy. This – this is too lucky to bear."

She leaned her forehead against his. "I already said once, that I decide myself what you deserve and what not."

"But –" he began but she placed another kiss on his lips and silenced him.

"Stay with me tonight" she said under her breath after detaching her lips from his.

"I – I can't."

She placed a finger on his lips and slightly shook her head. "Wrong answer." She smiled.

He detached himself from her and turned around on his back staring at the ceiling. "I can't, not yet."

She sighed deeply and sat up looking down on him. "Then you should possibly leave now or I might change my mind."

He sat up too sliding towards the edge of the bed. "I'm sorry" he said and got up.

She just sat there feeling disappointed but also didn't want to impose herself on him. She felt helpless that she couldn't take the agony away from him and so she just followed him with her eyes as he walked towards the door grabbing the handle. When he had opened it about to leave she got up.

"Severus?"

He turned his head.

"Good – Good Night."

He hinted a nod. "Good Night." And without saying another word he left and closed the door behind him.