Common decency vs. intimacy
The next day after a rather early breakfast she went to the library and did some research for her potion homework and for History of Magic. She noted down passages, dates and facts from several books and then went back to her room to start on writing the actual homework. She almost missed lunch and when she had finally finished the homework for Professor Binns she peered over to her notes for the potion homework and then rubbed through her face. She shook her head and decided to start with the potion homework the next day. She closed her inkwell and got up to pick some new clothes from her wardrobe and to then undress herself. She put on her bathrobe only loosely closing it as the way from her room to the bathroom wasn't all that long. Since half of the third floor was forbidden this year and since her room and the bathroom were hidden around a corner nobody would be seeing her anyways. She grabbed two towels and her bath sponge and opened the door to leave the room but there was standing someone in front of her door.
Apparently Snape had once again decided to pay her a visit and had been about to knock on her door when it suddenly opened. He was holding a roll of parchment in one hand and as the door suddenly opened and she suddenly stood there in nothing but a loosely closed bathrobe revealing somewhat too less and though too much of her body his eyes widened a little and he gasped quietly before whirling around and leaving without a word.
Lillian raised an eyebrow and wanted to say something but he was hurrying away from her so quickly that she would have had to either sprint after him or to shout through the whole corridor. She shrugged and wondered what he had been wanting and if it was her loosely dressed appearance that had made him flee. After climbing into the tub she wondered if she should have closed the bathrobe more tightly but then again it had actually covered everything necessary. It was not that she had been all naked. Maybe the bathrobe showed a little more cleavage than a shirt would usually do but still. In her eyes it wasn't that of a big deal. She decided to pay him a visit after taking her bath and then swam a few rounds before eventually starting to wash her hair.
After she got dressed again she pocketed her wand and set off to Snape's office. A few times she got delayed by other first year students who either wanted to talk about homework or wanted to invite her to join them on their way to the library or out to watch the giant squid and play Exploding Snap what she of course declined. Eventually she arrived in the entrance hall after talking about the Transfiguration homework and the last Defence against the Dark Arts lesson with 4 different students. When she was about to turn towards the passageway down to the dungeons Harry, Fred and George and the rest of the Quidditch team walked through the portal and delayed her again until she finally got rid of them and vanished into the passageway.
When she arrived at Snape's office and knocked nobody answered and as she tried to open the door it was locked. She sighed slightly. Should she try and knock on the door of his room? The moment she decided to do so she heard someone coming from the direction of the entrance hall so she hurried down the corridor past his office and hid in the shadows of a corner where the torch seemed to be broken. She looked into the direction of his office and saw him passing it on his way down the other corridor to his room. So he had been somewhere upstairs. She waited until she heard his door closing with a low thud and then emerged from the dark corner to walk towards the other corridor. She listened closely for every sound in case someone else lurked around this area. She wasn't keen on being seen down here. Luckily everything seemed to be quiet and the area seemed to be deserted. She took a deep breath and walked towards the door of his room. She knocked.
"Who's there?" asked his cold voice from inside.
"The ghost of Salazar Slytherin's mother" she replied jokingly.
She heard hurried steps and in the next moment he opened the door, pulled her inside and looked up and down the corridor before closing the door. The expression on his face was something between dumbfounded and worried.
"Did someone see you down here?" he asked with suspicion.
"Not that I noticed. Why?"
"I don't want rumors."
"I see."
He went over to his fireplace and looked into the flames. She stayed where she was. She somewhat had the impression that she wasn't quite welcome.
"Why did you come?" he asked without looking over to her.
"I wanted to ask what you had been visiting me for."
"Nothing overly important." It seemed as if he was trying to talk around the subject.
"Was that the reason why you suddenly left without saying a word? Realizing that the matter you've been coming for wasn't overly important?"
He didn't answer just went on staring into the flames. She walked over to him past his armchair and stopped standing beside him now also facing the fire.
"No" he said finally taking a slightly deeper breath. "Rather realizing that you were about to do something else."
"You could have asked if I have time later today."
"I – yes...I could have asked."
"Instead you leave me there wondering what could have scared you away."
"I apologize."
"So – did I scare you away?"
"Yes and no."
"Oh?"
"I – I didn't expect to – to see you like that..." He gulped slightly.
"Like what? With a towel and a sponge in my hands?"
"Somewhat." He seemed to prefer beating around the bush.
But she wasn't in the mood for games like these. "You don't wanna tell me that it was because of that bathrobe, do you?"
"No, I don't want to tell you."
"Ha ha. Seriously – you can't be that inhibited, can you?"
"I'm not inhibited it...it just caught me by surprise." A slight irritation was mixed into his voice.
"Aha. Must have been rather a shock than a surprise."
"Somewhat" he said again vaguely.
"Come on! Why did you run away?"
"It's against my common decency to stare at people when they are only half dressed."
"Common decency? You are kidding me, aren't you?" He didn't answer. "Would it be against your common decency to stare at a woman you apparently find attractive if she'd drop down whatever she is wearing?"
He swung his head around towards her and gave her an alarmed look. "Wha – What are you talking about?" He didn't only look alarmed now he even sounded alarmed.
"You wouldn't flee from your own chamber if I pulled off all my clothes right now, would you?"
He widened his eyes. "W-Why would you do that?"
"You didn't answer my question."
She pretended to be about to pull out her shirt and almost saw how he was racking his brain to find a way out of this situation. He gulped as he noticed the movement of her hands. His eyes started to flicker from where her hands grabbed the hem of her shirt and her face that was telling him that she was determined to get her answers at any cost.
"I – I don't leave people a-alone in my chamber" he said quickly not being able to suppress the tension and nervousness in his voice.
She slightly lifted the hem. "So that means no?"
"Yes" he said urgently his eyes still flickering from where she was lifting the hem back to her eyes.
She lowered her hands and immediately saw a breeze of relief fluttering over his face. "So why did you really run away?"
He turned away from her again still very tense. "As I said, I didn't expect to see you like that."
"What was so shocking about my appearance that you left in such a rush?"
"I – I don't know."
"We both know that that is a lie." Her hands moved towards the hem of her shirt again.
Since he was peering over to her from the corners of his eyes he noticed that of course. "Why are you doing this?"
"Because I want the truth." She lifted her shirt a little bit and revealed an inch of her belly.
He closed his eyes and took a very deep breath. "I couldn't bear seeing you like that."
"Hear hear. Why?"
"Why do you ask me all these questions? Aren't you happy that I didn't stare at you like a – like a letch?"
"So that is what it was all about?"
"What do you mean?"
"You are afraid I could think you were a letch just because you appreciate what you see?"
"Err – somewhat, yes."
"It's not that you have been peeping through the keyhole."
"I – I would never..." He looked at her totally flabbergasted.
"I didn't say you would that was just a statement. I was on my way to the bathroom and you apparently were about to knock on the door. That is the story. I wouldn't have complained if you would have taken a look. I ran the risk to be seen like that so I have hardly the right to complain if someone looks." She shrugged.
"You are odd." He looked away towards the fire again and his look fell upon the clock on the mantelpiece. "You should hurry – Dinner has already started."
"What was the reason you wanted to visit me?"
"Your last week's homework."
"You could have given it to me in the next lesson or handed it to Professor McGonagall for forwarding?"
"I could have."
"Well you could hand it to me now of course."
"It's locked in my office." He sounded somehow tired all of a sudden. "I will bring it somewhere around tomorrow. Now please leave me alone."
"Okay. Good night then."
She somewhat had a bit of a bad conscience now after forcing him to reveal his true reasons in such a way. He only nodded slightly and she left his room. On her way up to the Great Hall she was careful that no one saw her. Still a bit of in an odd mood she didn't talk to anyone at the table and immediately went up to her room. She changed into a fresh pyjama. Someone, most likely a house-elf had changed her sheets. She closed the curtains of the window on the side of the wardrobe and then went over to the other window to gaze out of it into the sky and the distance for a long time before she went to bed to lay awake for half an eternity until she eventually fell asleep.
She woke early the next morning and decided to start with her potion homework before going down to have breakfast. After breakfast she finished the potion homework and started practising charms and doing the homework for Flitwick until lunch. After lunch she decided to revise the last few Transfiguration spells followed by her homework for Herbology. At three o'clock she had finally finished all her homework that was due to the upcoming week. She prepared her bag for the next day and had just closed it when it knocked on the door. She immediately remembered that Snape wanted to come around to bring her homework.
"Come in" she just said turning towards the door.
A moment later he had stepped into the room closing the door behind him. "Hello."
"I guess you are here to give me my homework back?"
He nodded. "Yes." He came over to her and handed her a roll of parchment.
She took and enrolled it to take a quick look noticing, that there was nothing corrected. She raised an eyebrow. "Did you even read it?"
"Of course."
"There aren't any annotations or corrections."
"Because it wasn't necessary to add any."
"You are kidding me, aren't you?"
"No."
"You are telling me that there was nothing to complain about this?"
"Yes."
She rolled the parchment up again and placed it behind her on the desk. She didn't quite know what to say or how to react so she just stood there supporting her arms on the desk surface, her legs slightly crossed and looking at him. Since he remained silent she decided to speak.
"Did – Did you recover from our talk yesterday?"
He slightly raised a brow. "What do you mean?"
"Well I – I have been quite mean I think and you seemed to be a bit - bemused in the end."
He looked away from her out of the window. "Maybe."
"Are we starting to beat around the bush again?"
He sighed and looked back at her slightly irritated. "Look, there is no need to rehash that."
"I just wanted to know if you recovered from the way I've been treating you. And all you say is 'Maybe'."
He sighed again. "I apparently survived it" he snapped and looked away again.
She pushed herself away from the desk and took a step towards him. "I was just worried that I might have offended you."
He shook his head almost not visible. "I just felt stupid."
"I'm sorry."
He shook his head again and finally looked back at her. "I felt stupid because I ran away."
"I really didn't want to make you feel stupid – I was just curious."
He sighed again. "Whatever."
Now she shook her head. "No. Not whatever."
He turned his head to the side and looked down onto the floor. "Would you just drop it please?" he asked quietly.
She lifted an arm and placed her hand on his cheek to turn his head towards her again. "I just want you to know, that you don't have to feel ashamed because of something. I shouldn't have constrained you like that."
He sighed deeply and she noticed a slight tremble as he breathed out. "There are just so many things that I didn't experience by now and – and I don't want to make a fool out of myself."
She let go of his cheek and instead pulled him into a warm hug. "I'll be here to listen whenever you need an open ear. Don't be afraid to talk to me."
She felt him hinting a nod but he remained silent and so they just stood there for a while hugging. After a few minutes he began to stroke through her hair with slightly trembling fingers and she began to run her fingers up and down his back in a soothing way. Slowly she felt his tension decreasing. Eventually she detached herself from him and gave him a warm smile.
"I have and had no intention to harm you in any way. I just have the bad habit of not mincing matters."
"It's okay I – I'm just not used to the fact that someone is interested in who I am."
"You hide yourself very well. I guess there are only very few people in your life who know the man behind the mask."
"Actually only two, you and Dumbledore."
"I see" she said and was immediately reminded of her last meeting with Dumbledore. She walked past him towards the window and looked out of it. "He wanted to talk to me on Friday before dinner."
He turned towards her. "What did he want?"
"He asked if I settled in well and" she hesitated but then continued "and if I would like having potion lessons with you. He asked a bunch of odd questions."
"For example?" He slowly stepped towards her.
"If I would also like being taught by someone else and if you were favouring me. In the end it got quite clear that he was trying to hear me out."
"What did you tell him?" He sounded worried.
"Not much. I just said that I was enjoying learning potions and when he asked how you had the idea of teaching me I told him you saw me reading the potion book in the library and after I told you my humble opinion about the topic you offered me lessons." She shrugged slightly still looking out of the window.
"So you didn't mention anything about – about us?"
She shook her head. "No. Though there was a moment when he was talking about the reason why he hadn't been putting me into the usual potion class aside from too less room."
"A moment of what?"
"Well I mentioned that you were behaving quite odd at times and he agreed with me that it was because of my resemblance with Lily Evans. I was trying to be as neutral towards you as possible so I had to mention at least a spare something. But there was another thing..."
"A – Another thing?" He now rather sounded anxious.
"He used Legilimency while talking to me about you."
"He – He did what?" He was totally appalled.
"Yeah. When he revealed that to me I was quite appalled as well but he told me that I seem to be a natural in Occlumency. I don't believe that though."
"A – A natural? In Occlumency? Why would he say that?"
"He said that he wasn't able to gather the information he was interested in. He said the only things he was able to see on my mind were random pictures and memories of brewing potions or doing homework or something alike."
"Interesting. I can see where he is coming from to call you a natural." He sounded a bit more relaxed now. "If you want I can test how good your Occlumency skills are."
"Nah. No need for that. Whatever happened in his office it must have been my determination of not giving away too much unless I had no other choice."
"That is actually a good way to close your mind."
She was still looking out of the window. "Possibly but I'm not interested in Occlumency or Legilimency at the moment. Fact is that he knows nothing. Everything he might mention towards you that sounds as if he knew everything can only be pure speculation. Unless he lied to me about what he had seen in my mind."
"I don't think he has. He wouldn't have told you that he was using Legilimency on you if he had found out anything."
"Possibly." She shrugged again. "In the end he asked me to keep an eye on you."
"Keep an eye on me?"
"I guess he wants me to tell him if I notice any severe changes in your behaviour. I'm not sure, but I told him that I'm not your nanny."
"So you refused to keep an eye on me?"
"Exactly."
He covered the last few steps until he stood right behind her. Hesitantly he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her towards him so that the back of her head came to rest against the upper area of his chest. She placed her hands on his and closed her eyes. Banning the thoughts about Dumbledore and what he knew and what not from her mind she listened to the songs of the birds outside and felt his slightly trembling hands on her belly. After a while his hands seemed to calm down and he folded them with hers. She felt his chest moving up and down slowly with every breath he took. So they stood there for quite a while before he suddenly let go of her hands and began, once again with trembling fingers, to caress over her belly and waist. She sensed his nervousness as he even slowly lifted the hem of her shirt a little to move his trembling fingers across her skin sending light shivers down her spine but she remained silent. There was no need of worrying him as she appreciated his sudden bravery a lot.
With every inch he moved his fingers over her smooth skin his hands seemed to calm down again. He even grew a little braver and gently pushed up her shirt as his hands moved a bit higher. She held her breath for a second and felt slight goose bumps spreading over her skin. He seemed to have noticed that too because his hands paused for a moment before continuing exploring the skin of her stomach and waist. She bit he lower lip and restrained herself from taking a deep breath. She wasn't sure if he wouldn't probably interpret an appreciative sigh or breathe in a wrong way. So she just went on biting her lower lip, her eyes still closed. A while later her determination not to let out any sound got unhinged as he slowly pulled her shirt over her breasts. She restrained herself in the last moment and only mouthed a silent sigh. Unfortunately she wasn't able to suppress the twitch that went through her body as if she had been hit by a lightning. Instantly he let go of her and stepped back.
"S-Sorry I –" he stammered as if he only just now noticed what he had been doing.
She turned around slowly her shirt still remaining above her breasts. "It's okay" she said softly not even trying to hide the hint of excitement within her voice.
He looked at her appearance and gulped. "I – I don't know what got into me."
She covered the step that he had backed away and shook her head with a smile. "You just gave in to your feelings." She took his hand and placed it onto her heart. His fingers twitched as if he wanted to draw his hand back but she kept it there. "I'm positively surprised, that you've been growing so brave today."
He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again. She let go of his hand and was yet again surprised, that he didn't take it away. Instead it remained there for a few more seconds and then a few fingers began to gently trace the lacy borders of her bra up to its straps. She didn't take her eyes off him even though his eyes rather flickered from here to there to avoid looking into hers. The way his fingers trembled she could tell that he was very nervous and also the expression on his face told that he was apparently fighting with himself. The tracing went on and on so as if he didn't actually know what he was doing and before all what he should be doing. So she decided to somewhat try and help him to find out what he wanted.
"Would you please do something about my shirt?"
He withdrew his hand as if he got burned. "W – What do you mean?"
"Well – It's not that comfortable like this."
"I – I'm sorry." He reached out his hand to pull it down but she stopped his movement with her own hand and shook her head.
"Wrong direction..." she said under her breath.
"Wha..." He widened his eyes and gulped again. "You – you don't mean...d-do you?"
She only nodded slightly.
Still holding her shirt in his trembling hand he took a deep breath and also grabbed it with the other to pull it out but once again she stopped him and slightly shook her head. He gave her a puzzled look. She gave him a smile and placed her hands onto his hips and gently and slowly moved them up his waist pretending she would push up a shirt. Since he was wearing some kind of frock-coat she apparently couldn't push it up. While she did that he let out a little gasp and then placed his trembling hands on her hips. Due to all the grabbing, pushing and pulling her shirt had fallen down into its usual position again though the hem was a bit crumpled. She moved her hands back to his waist and kept them there until she had to raise her arms so he could pull the shirt off. For a second he held it in his hand looking at it before she took it and dropped it down on the floor.
Now there she stood in her jeans and the lacy black bra on her light skin. Again she had put her hand on his waist. She felt his tension and the slight quivering of his body. While appearing so dominant, cold and fathomless towards his students he appeared to be rather shy, uneasy and inexperienced around her. Since he wasn't doing anything else after having removed that shirt even tried to not look at her all too long or often she smiled to herself and thought that it was about the time she pushed him into the right direction again. So she took his hand and covered the few steps over to her bed gently dragging him with her. Reaching for the edge of the bed she turned around. Her eyes fell onto the buttons of his frock-coat and she wondered if she should dare a try to open them. She actually was interested what would be underneath because it was never described in the books. But she decided against trying to open them as she didn't want to make him feel even more uncomfortable. Instead she wrapped her arms around his waist and pulled him towards her while at the same time attempting to sit down on the bed.
He apparently understood the gesture, gulped and pushed her away from him gently to then push her down onto the bed by placing his hands on her shoulders with light pressure. She sat down and looked up to him somewhat expectantly. For a moment he didn't seem to know what exactly to do but then he sat down beside her still doing nothing though.
"A Knut for your thoughts..." she said with a sigh.
"I – I don't know what you expect me to do" he admitted and looked down on the floor.
"Whatever you want..." she said under her breath.
"I – I don't know what I want..."
"Look at me and follow whatever you feel like."
He sighed and lifted his head turning it towards her. She smiled. He looked at her with his black and fathomless eyes without staring. She wasn't able to tell if he appreciated what he was seeing. Eventually he turned his head away again and lowered it staring onto the floor.
"I can't do this – it doesn't feel appropriate." He sounded somewhat desperate.
"I don't want to push you but – but I actually appreciated how it began."
He let out a quivering sigh sounding as if he was close to tears again. "I've never done this before..."
"There is a first time for everything" she said softly placing a hand on his shoulder.
"So many things I know and none of them are of any use."
"Nobody can know everything."
"Still..." He shook his head as if to get rid of something haunting him.
He again was a picture of misery as slumped as he sat there. She slipped out of her slippers, crawled onto her bed and knelt down behind him. She wrapped her arms around his waist and snuggled her head against his back.
"I don't know why you even still mess about with me..." he said with a quivering voice.
She pulled him closer to her. "Because I want to."
"Why would someone want to deal with me?"
"I don't know why someone would but as for me – because I look behind this dark curtain and see a man who is at least as lonely as I am if not even lonelier." She didn't let go of him.
"You will freeze staying with me..."
"If that is what is waiting for me in the end it shall be. Let's call it destiny."
"You don't know what you are talking about."
"Oh believe me I do. I might be a lot younger than you are but I'm not as naive as you might think I am."
"That – that wasn't what I wanted to say."
"Then stop trying to persuade me to let you down."
"I just don't understand."
She released him from her embrace and shuffled along her knees towards the edge of the bed. There she put one foot down to the floor but remaining with one knee on the bed. In this position she moved his head towards her and took his face in both hands giving him a loving smile and said: "You don't need to understand everything. There are things in life that will always remain mysteries" before placing a gentle kiss on his lips.
"How – " he croaked. "How do I deserve someone like you?"
She gave him another loving smile and shook her head. "I guess that is one of the mysteries that will not be uncovered." She let go of him sitting down one foot touching the floor the other still on the bed, her body and head turned towards him her hands placed into her lap.
He sighed deeply and then got up. "I need to be alone now."
"I see." She got up as well and picked up her shirt.
"I'm sorry" he said quietly and turned to leave.
"Don't be. It's okay."
"Hmm." He walked towards the door while she pulled over her shirt again.
He was about to push down the handle of the door. "Severus?"
He turned towards her remaining silent.
"You know you can always come to me if you feel like it."
He nodded slowly. "Thank you." And with these last words he left.