Quidditch and Christmas

When she went down to breakfast the next morning she tried to cheer Harry up who was still worried and looked like he didn't sleep all night. He refused to eat something and then left with the team to change into their Quidditch robes. When Lillian, Ron and Hermione reached the Quidditch pit they joined Seamus, Neville and Dean and Hermione and Ron pulled out the banner they had created from a ruined bed sheet.

The game went on as expected and while Lillian knew everything that would happen it was very exciting to see it with own eyes and to experience it. When Harry's broom started to act up she instinctively looked over to the teacher box. Fortunately she had gotten herself binoculars so she could spot Quirrell and Snape both fixating Harry. Though only she knew that Snape was actually protecting him while Ron and Hermione only spotted Snape and immediately concluded that he must be jinxing him.

Since Lillian swore herself she wouldn't change major happenings she could only watch how Hermione left them to set Snapes cloak on fire. Through her binoculars she noticed that on her way Hermione ran into Quirrell disrupting his eye-contact with Harry. That was basically already enough to let Snape finish his counter curse before he noticed his robe was on fire.

After Harry had ended the game and gained Gryffindor the victory by catching the snitch she didn't follow the three friends and Hagrid to his cabin though they offered it. She waited until most people were gone and then went down to the dungeons straight towards Snape's office. She found the office door closed while the classroom door was open. Slowly she approached the office door and knocked.

"Who's there?" his cold voice asked from inside. He apparently was pretty angry because Slytherin had lost.

"It's me." She said.

"Leave me alone..." His voice didn't exactly sound cold anymore but there was something about it that told her to better submit to this demand.

"Alright..." she just said and turned to leave.

After dinner she went straight to her room instead of joining the victory party in the Gryffindor Common Room. She somewhat wondered if it was advisable to give it a second try to talk to him but she decided against it. While she was practising charms and transfigurations someone knocked at the door. She got up and went to open it.

"Severus!" She sounded surprised.

The expression on his face was a bit stiff. Actually more or less like usual. "May I come in?"

"Oh, yes, sure..." She let him enter.

He spotted the opened books and the wand in her hand. "Shall I come back later?"

She shook her head fervently. "No no I'm just practising a little."

He walked over to her desk pretending to check the pages in the books she had open but then turned around. "Sorry about earlier." Unfortunately he couldn't get himself to sound serious about his words.

She flailed her arms a little. "Ah no – no. It's okay I... I guess I chose the wrong moment to stop by."

"Indeed." He crossed his arms behind his back. "So. What was your desire?" He sounded rather formal.

Carefully approaching him, she tried to smile. "Ah, I wanted to apologize."

"For what reason?"

She stopped and took a deep breath. "Because of yesterday...I was mean but my pride was somewhat in my way to immediately turn around and apologize..." She looked down to the ground and fumbled with the wand in her hand.

"Indeed" he just said looking at her rather blankly.

She looked at him trying to look surprised about the consent. "Eh?"

"You seem to have expected that I'd say something else I assume?"

She nodded slowly. "Did – did I anger you?"

He shook his head with a little hesitation. "I'd rather call it sad."

"Oh" was all she could say or rather all she wanted to say as she had to be careful not to give herself away.

She sat down at the foot end of her bed and offered him the place beside her as she couldn't use the spell to widen her arm chair. After a few moments he sat beside her with a little gap between them. A foreboding kind of silence lingered in the air until he finally started to speak.

"You made me remember the moment that sort of turned out to have been the beginning of the end."

"Hmm..."

"After I had called her a mud-blood out of despair and tried to apologize she wouldn't listen and instead told me off and when I tried to make her see what she means to me I couldn't find the right words and the last thing she said before she left me alone on the corridor was 'Save your breath'"

Lillian gulped slightly as she found it appropriate. "I – I wasn't aware..."

"Of course you weren't, you couldn't know that but...well you see now."

"Somewhat and I'm really sorry." She grabbed his hand.

"When you visited me earlier I was brooding over this and additionally upset."

"Mhh I can imagine. Your house lost."

"It was more the fact that someone set my cloak on fire."

"I saw that through my binoculars – another reason I wanted to see you...to see if you were alright."

"Obviously I am." It sounded like a clinical statement with a hint of impatience in the undertone. "Did you spot the culprit?"

"No." She shook her head. It was just half a lie. While she knew who the culprit was she didn't exactly SEE Hermione set his cloak on fire.

"Too bad."

"Yes."

Unfortunately the talk didn't run very well. Both of them stared at the logs in the fireplace that still weren't set on fire. After another moment of lingering silence he once again was the one who ended it.

"Do you ever light that fireplace?" Where was that question supposed to lead?

"Not yet. Because I don't like to still have light in the room when I go to bed."

"You could just extinguish the fire with a charm."

"Well yes I could but I only know one charm that would work but it would cause a lot of smoke I assume."

"Which charm do you mean?

"Aguamenti"

"I see. Well yes depending on the size of the fire it would smoke a lot."

"So you think I should use the Reducio-charm before?

"I'd rather go for Diminuendo."

So it happened that they talked about several sorts of charms to cast fire, to resize and to extinguish it before he finally got up. He still didn't look much different from earlier though his body seemed to be less tense. She thanked him for the conversation and the handy hints about fires. This time there were no hugs, no kisses and no soft Good Night wishes, he only left after saying good bye. After he was gone she looked at the clock on the mantelpiece. It was past 9 PM so she decided to get ready for bed. Since her last night had been rather fitful she hoped to gain some more sleep tonight. It apparently worked because after she had closed the curtains she quickly fell into a deep and dreamless sleep.

During the next weeks her relationship to Snape seemed to either degenerate or to be stuck. Well at least there wasn't any visible progress. Apparently that 'Save your breath' situation had killed it. She still had lessons with him and still he wasn't able to treat her like the others but there were less moments of despair at the end. Still there was tension. It was just a matter of time when this tension would finally make its way. But for now both of them had other things to worry about.

As Christmas approached Lillian remembered that Harry would get the invisibility cloak as a present and end up finding the room with the Mirror Of Erised. She was curious what she would see when she looked into it but after thinking about it, she decided, that it was possibly better not to try. But she knew what Harry would see and once again she was frighteningly aware of the way she looked. There were a few differences between Lily and her - her lumpy body being the most noticeable – but she was pretty sure that Harry would get confused anyways.

On the morning of Christmas she woke up because a house-elf apparently had lighted the fireplace. In the dime flickering of the flames she saw a few presents on her desk. She immediately got up and opened the curtains and the window despite the freezing coldness outside. While fresh air streamed into the room she walked barefooted over to her desk and looked at the presents. They were small but she hadn't really expected to receive something. The biggest present looked like it could be a book. She opened it and found a new redaction of "Magical Drafts and Potions" by Arsenius Jigger and a card that said "Merry Christmas. S.". She smiled. Apparently Snape thought that it was better to have her own book. Now she was finally able to scribble annotations on the pages. She gently placed the book back onto her desk and grabbed the next present and shook it a little. It was sort of a box with something inside that clattered upon shaking. She removed the wrapping and held a box of Liquorice Snaps in her hand. The box had a tag hanging down from it that said "Merry Christmas Ms. Block. I hope you are in for liquorice. But be careful they are sharp. A. Dumbledore". She smiled and remembered these sweets to bite so she considered it was possibly better to use her dragon hide gloves whenever she wanted to eat some. The next present contained a nose-biting teacup. No tag no card but she knew that this could only be a present from the Weasley twins. She smirked and placed the box with the cup aside to grab the last present. It contained a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans and a Chocolate Frog. The tag hanging from the box said it was a gift from Harry, Ron and Hermione.

Slightly humming and with a smile she closed the windows again, got dressed and went up to the Gryffindor tower. She thanked the twins and Harry, Ron and Hermione for their presents and apologized for not having anything for them. Only in this moment she also noticed that she apparently had nothing for Snape or Dumbledore. Still she didn'T stop smiling and chuckling.

"You seem to be in a good mood Lillian" said Fred and nudged her.

"Well I got presents that I didn't expect – why shouldn't I be in a good mood?"

"True." agreed George.

"I also got presents I didn't expect" said Harry. "Was quite a surprise."

"Well that is nice isn't it? Even Dumbledore gifted me with a package of liquorice snaps. I guess he thought I might be happy to at least get a spare something."

"Uhh Dumbledore himself gave you something?" Ron and Harry seemed to be impressed.

Lillian shrugged. "Well – I'm more or less all alone in this world so I guess he thought that before I end up empty-handed he gives me something."

"But you know you need to be careful when eating them. They are snappy." said Fred.

"Well I guess I will use my dragon hide gloves then."

They spent the morning talking about presents, nettling each other and wondering about dinner. The Great Hall looked pretty when they came down and the food was excellent. While eating she stole a peep over to the staff table and smiled gently as she spotted Snape who was apparently also secretly looking over to the Gryffindor table to catch a glimpse of her. She felt very comfortable and had a lot of fun with her comrades and watching the happenings at the staff table. When Harry finally got up from the table she followed him. They were both packed with contents from the wizard crackers. She happened to have collected a few wizard chess figures and a Gobstones game. She actually didn't know how to play it and actually these kinds of games weren't her cup of tea either but she decided to keep it for now. She on the third floor she parted from Harry and back in her room she placed the figures and the Gobstones game into the cupboard beside her desk. She then decided to pay Dumbledore a short visit to thank him for the present and then try to visit Snape to do the same. She met Dumbledore on the third corridor about to enter the spiral staircase.

"Ah Ms. Block. A Merry Christmas to you." He smiled cheerfully still wearing that flowering bonnet carrying his wizard hat in one hand.

"You too, Professor. Thank you for the Liquorice Snaps. I indeed like liquorice."

"You are welcome. Glad to hear. There aren't many people I know who like it. But as I mentioned on the tag – be careful."

"I'll be. Fred and George Weasley warned me about them being snappy. Hence the name I guess."

"Indeed. Well you will have to excuse me now. I have something to take care of."

"Of course. A good day to you." She smiled and turned around to walk towards the stairs.

In the Entrance Hall she met the Weasleys and Harry who were about to go outside to have a snowball fight. She declined as they offered to wait for her to get dressed for joining them but she declined. She waited until they were gone and then walked towards the passage down to the dungeons. She made sure that nobody saw or followed her and finally reached Snape's room. She knocked.

"Who is there?"

"Me."

She heard steps and seconds later he opened the door. He looked a bit surprised and let her in throwing a look into the corridor before closing the door.

"Why are you here?"

"I wanted to thank you for the book." She smiled but then looked down.

"You are welcome." He noticed her slightly embarrassed expression. "Something wrong?"

"Well I have nothing for you..."

"You already gave me more than I deserve anyways."

"You don't want to have such a conversation on Christmas do you?" She looked up and straight into his face.

He just shrugged and walked over to his armchair. She followed him.

"Does Christmas mean anything to you?" she asked.

He shrugged again before slowly shaking his head staring into the fire.

"What a pity..." She wrapped her arms around his waist and leaned her forehead against his back.

He sighed silently. "Why do you still mess about with me?"

"Why did you gift me with that book?"

"Because I thought you would want your own copy of it."

"Well yes it's useful."

"So why are you still dealing with me?"

"Because I want to and because I think you need some affection for a change once in a while." Her voice was soft but determined.

He sighed again and detached himself from her to sit down on the armchair. Since she didn't even think of leaving him alone she followed him and sat on his knees. He tried to look past her into the fire and tried to maintain a more or less expressionless face but she knew that she made him feel sort of uncomfortable. He eventually tipped the armchair with his wand and it expanded again. But she didn't think to sit beside him. Instead she squeezed herself next to him in a lying position her legs over the armrest and her head in his lap. He looked down on her his eyes slightly widened and then looked away.

"What – what do you think you are doing there?"

"Well I suppose it's called lying." She smirked.

"You know what I mean."

"Do I?"

"In this regard you aren't so much like Lily..."

"Well I'm myself in the first place. I might share some traits with her but we are different persons."

"I tend to keep forgetting that."

She sat up and turned her head towards him. "Well then I guess I need to remind you once in a while."

He still tried not to look at her but she raised one hand and put it on his cheek to move his head towards her with gentle force. When he was more or less forced to look at her she smiled softly and moved her lips towards his. At first she felt his lips only trembling before eventually returning the kiss as if it was the first time he was kissing her. While kissing him her eyes were closed and her hand wandered from his cheeks down over his shoulder, down his chest towards his waists in gentle strokes. He ended the kiss and shivered. She opened her eyes to find out that he had his eyes closed and was apparently trying to suppress a sigh. She smirked and let her hand gently wander back from his waists up to his cheek in the same fashion. Upon passing his shoulder she felt the tension.

"Don't you like it?" She almost whispered.

"I – I don't know..." He felt her fingers gently stroking over his neck moving towards his cheek.

"Well you feel tense..."

He finally opened his eyes. "I admit that I feel quite embarrassed."

When he tried to look away again she moved his head back towards her. "There is no need to feel embarrassed."

He said nothing. She eventually let go of his head and first got herself into a sitting position to then get up and sit on his lap facing him. He had his head turned to the side again and avoided looking at her. She once again turned his head towards hers, this time with both hands, and then gave him another gentle kiss. He sat there like a pillar of salt. She detached herself a little while still sitting on him. Finally he opened his eyes. His lips twitched as if he wanted to say something but no word left his mouth. She coked her head a little.

"What is the problem?" she asked quietly with a vague smile on her lips.

He shrugged lightly then he suddenly lifted a hand and let a finger run over her lips and slowly down her chin, her throat to then stop when reaching her breast bone. Once again he looked away and placed his hand back down beside him on the cushion of the extended armchair. She sighed silently, slid down from his lap and sat down beside him. Both of them stared into the flames for half an eternity until he suddenly placed his head on her shoulder and took one of her hands.

"Why...?" He almost sounded as if he was sobbing but his body wasn't shaking.

"Why what?" She sounded mildly concerned.

"Why do I feel so guilty when being with you?"

She fell silent for a moment. What to reply? She had ideas but they included to admit more emotional embroilment as currently advisable. While it was obvious to her that he apparently felt something towards her it was possible, that he had not yet realized let alone accepted it himself.

"I don't know..." she finally replied and turned her body towards him a little so his head came to rest close to her neck. She also placed an arm around him and a hand on his head.

She could feel the slight trembling of his hand on hers and after a while he let go of her hand and grabbed hold of her shoulder. She really had the impression that he felt horribly torn between Lily and herself. A moment later he detached himself from her entirely and looked at the clock on the mantelpiece.

"Supper will start soon." He tried hard to sound casual.

"I guess that means you want me to leave."

He only nodded and looked into the fire.

She got up after squeezing his hand a last time. "Well then. Have a nice evening...somehow..." She tried to sound confident.

"I have patrol duty tonight." He still tried to sound casual.

"I see." There wasn't much she could say so she turned around and walked towards the door. When she pushed down the handle she turned her head towards the armchair again. "See you later." And without waiting for a reply she left his room.

During supper she tried to cheer up a little and though supper wasn't as spectacular as lunch had been it was still delicious and she could distract herself a little by listening to the conversations at the table.

After dressing for bed she took her new copy of the potions book, sat down onto the armchair in front of the fireplace and started to scribble annotations here and there before she finally extinguished the fire way past midnight. When she went to bed she wondered if Harry had already found the mirror or if he was still in the restricted section of the library before she finally fell asleep.