A/N: I am not British, I was not born in 1965, and I am not a best selling author (Yet...). Therefore one must make the assumption that I am not J.K. Rowling.

Marching season (and school) have started, meaning I have less time to write, and the only reason you're getting this on a Tuesday, and not no the weekend is because i'm sick.

"Sirius!?" Harry shouted. His godfather had disappeared right before his eyes.

"Harry? What's wrong?" asked Prongs. He and James rushed to the kitchenette.

"Nothings wrong... Sirius just... poofed out," said Harry. Harry was pretty sure that since he'd made peace with Sirius's death, the Sirius in his hallucination just vanished.

"So he went the way he came," said Prongs thoughtfully.

"The way we all came," James pointed out.

"That's too bad. We were going to beat him at Parcheesi," Prongs said. "Is the food ready?"

James looked at him like he was a serial killer. "How can you be worried about food when Sirius just disappeared!"

"I figure he went from wince he came. If not there's nothing we can really do," Prongs grinned. "If we keep worrying about all the unexplained things we'll end up rocking back and forth on the floor in the fetal position." He turned to Harry. "So Is the food ready?"

"Yeah we're having chicken and dumplings". Harry started spooning portions into bowls for the three of them. Instantly the kitchenette was transformed into an ornate dining room.

"Whoa..." said James.

"Whoa," agreed Prongs.

Harry smiled. The bowls of chicken and dumplings had perfectly positioned themselves on the table with out spilling a drop. Somewhere in the back of his brain he was wondering how and why this room existed, but he ignored it. Why should his dying hallucinations have to conform to logic, reason, or the laws of magic?

Harry was proud to notice that the other boys were digging into the food he'd made. The Jameses were silent for once. The happiest diners are the silent ones he mused.

Soon the bowls were empty and the bellies were full. Every one was completely satisfied and nearly content.

"That was good!" said Prongs.

"I told you my dad could cook!" said James with pride.

"Where did you learnt to do that?" asked Prongs. "It certainly wasn't from my side of the family!" It was true. Charlus and Doretha Potter relied on their house elf, Porkie to prepare all their meals. The last time Mrs. Potter attempted anything more advanced than tea, she nearly burnt the house down. Mr. Potter couldn't even manage tea.

"Erm..." Harry was of the opinion that, when lying, honesty was the best policy. While that might seem contradictory to some, it made perfect sense to him, because he didn't have to tell the whole truth, only some of it. "I'm mostly self taught, but my Aunt showed me some". He just wouldn't mention the slave labor, he wouldn't mention the dead parents, he wouldn't mention the homicidal megalomaniac who killed him. No... That was better left unsaid.

"Oh, so your Mum has a sister, eh?" asked Prongs. He was trying to get as much information about his future wife as possible.

"Yes, one sister," confirmed Harry. One horrible, horrible sister.

"Any brothers?" asked Prongs.

"No, thank Merlin!" said James. "I hate visiting my second cousins!"

"I take you to visit Dudley?" asked Harry incredulously.

"Only once, and it was really, really awkward," said James, wrinkling his nose. "Mum and his wife got along, though. Al wanted to 'be friends' with his son, but Dempster didn't even know what quidditch is! I swear, Al is such a Hufflepuff sometimes!"

Harry gave him a blank stare.

"Oh, Al is my brother, and Dempster is our second cousin," explained James.

"Well then," Harry put on his best approximation of a dad voice. "Dempster didn't know what quidditch is because he's a muggle, and you shouldn't make fun of Al for being nice to him".

"Harry, your cousin sounds interesting," James said trying to be subtle.

"Opposite of, actually," said James.

This time instead of reprimanding him, Harry smiled faintly.

"So, Harry... Tell me about your mum," James said. Subtlety was tricky.

"Did you know the Giant Squid was an animagus?" asked Harry.

"What does the Giant Squid have to do with anything? Even if he-"

Harry interrupted. "She. The Giant Squid is a she".

Prongs went pale and James started guffawing.

"Her name is Phina and you meet the last week of your seventh year," continued Harry.

"You're tricking me again!" said James angrily.

"We couldn't exactly tell you the truth, now could we?" asked Harry. Just in case his dying hallucination theory turned out to be wrong. He didn't want to break the space time continuum.

"Wouldn't want to prevent our own births and all..." said James.

Prongs was going to find out if it killed him. The gauntlet had been thrown.

When it came time the dining room transformed itself into three very pushed beds. They each took one and slept soundly. Until 6:30, that is. Of course they had no way to measure time, but it felt like 6:30 to Harry.

"Harry?" said Prongs quietly, so as not to wake James. "Harrrryy," He said drawing out the syllables of Harry's name.

"Whoa, what?" Harry awoke to find his father sitting on his chest. "Prongs!" he shouted.

"Shush! Mini-me is still sleeping!" said James.

"I want to be still sleeping too!" whispered Harry harshly.

"You can go back to sleep if you tell me who your mum is," said James fiendishly.

"No," said Harry.

"Pretty please?"

"No".

"With a cherry on top?"

But there was no reply. Harry Potter had fallen asleep.

"So James..." said Prongs when Harry was in the bathroom.

"So Prongs?" asked James.

"I'm a pretty awesome Grandpa, right?" asked Prongs.

James looked at him like he was a dead puppy on the side of the road. "Yes," he said with conviction, "You are an amazing grandpa".

"So would you do me a favor and tell me who your equally amazing Grandmum is?"

"Well... Because of a spell that backfired you became the first recorded case of male pregnancy and-"

"Cut the nonsense and give me the truth!"

"You can't handle the truth!"

"But please?" Prongs begged.

"No can do, Grandpa, no can do," said James solemnly.

Prongs cornered Harry after lunch. "Son, as your father I command you to-"

"No!" said Harry.

"But Harry!" whined James.

"No!"

"...And then you felt bad for her and took her for a canoe ride, and this Jamaican crab sung to you, with a funky bird singing back up. Even though she couldn't talk you felt this strange connection and you wanted to kiss her, but when you tried the canoe tipped over. Eventually the two of you teamed up to defeat the evil octopus, who was actually your fiance. You then realized that the mute girl had been the mermaid that save you in the first place, and she had become human because she was in love with you. You got married and lived happily ever after. The end!" said James.

"Where do you come up with this stuff?" asked Prongs.

"I'm incredibly imaginative," dead panned James.

Harry had survived (Can you survive if you're dead?) numerous ambush attacks from his father over the course of the day and he was getting sick of it.

"Hey, Harry?" said Prongs in a last ditch attempt.

Knowing what was coming Harry said, "What, Prongs?"

"Who's your mum?"

Harry didn't say anything. He walked towards Prongs until there was barley any space between the two of them, and took his father's head in his hands forcing Prong's to look into his son's eyes.

A myriad of emotions danced across Prong's face. At first he was scared. He thought he'd pushed Harry over the brink of insanity. Then he was scared. What was Harry going to do to him? Finally he realized what Harry was trying to tell him. Goodness knows how long he'd spent staring into those very eyes? They were in a different setting, but they were the same eyes. He promptly let out a 'squwe' and passed out from the pure shock and joy at learning that Lilly Evans was the mother of his son.

Harry got him a pillow and a blanket. He knew from experience how hard and cold the floor was. In that moment James decided to make an appearance. "What's wrong with Grandpa?" he asked.

"Probably a good number of things," Harry snarked.

James smiled. He was glad his dad was regaining his snarkiness. It was a good sign. "No, really. What's wrong with Grandpa?"

Harry didn't say anything but he must have looked slightly guilty.

"You told him, didn't you," said James. It was more of a statement than a question.

"Well, not exactly," said Harry. It was true. Prongs had figured it out by himself (with a little bit of help). "But he does know".

"That's too bad. I was going to tell him that Snape was actually female, but hiding it and that he found out, but instead of revealing her he-"

"I'm gonna stop you there," Harry said. Not only had he just watched Snape die, he had also seen him in drag (It was a boggart, but hey). The combination of the two was not pleasant to say the least.

James had stopped talking, but not because Harry told him to. He had stopped talking out of shock, because a young version of his bushy haired aunt had just appeared in the room.

Harry noticed a split second after James. Suddenly there were arms around his neck, squeezing him in the biggest bear hug he'd ever had in his life.

It was Hermione. Harry hadn't realized how much he'd missed her.

A/N: Thank you, Man of Constant Sorrows! I am not a talented cook myself, and I supposed that rubbed off on Harry. I guess that's what I get for not doing my research properly.

To everyone, this story will not stray too much towards the romantic for a myriad of reasons. For example, the three main characters are related, Harry thinks he's dead and is too busy angsting about it, and they really have no privacy in that cell they're in. I suppose you could say i'm keeping cannon pairings, but only because if I changed something I'd have to develop it, thus turning the story into something it's not. Also whilst I have no firm opinions on Harry/Ginny (Hinny? Garry? I like Garry.) I do happen to like Ronmione (And Dramione, and there was a really good Miomort fic I read once. Yeah... Miomort. Weird right?). But Ron isn't going to turn up except for, maybe, a paragraph at the end. If you guys really want a romance I could try to do something with James and Scorpius, but I already have something non romantic planned, so it would take a lot of persuading! A lot.