(A/N): Welcome back to the third installment of WPAF! A comedic, pun-filled version of your normal FNAF story! No plot, just laughs and two very lucky night guards! Enjoy!
What does the Puppet say on Dec 25? Merry-ionette Christmas!
When Puns Aren't Fun 3:
Expect the FNAF-ish Pun-quisition!
"After so much robotic ass-whooping today, I think I'm stuffed," Mike punned. Jeremy, now joining in on Mike's puns, let out a chuckle.
"Two months!" Jeremy shouted excitedly. They had lasted two months, which is certainly at least 59 days more than some. And that was something that the two security guards were proud of.
Mike nodded in agreement, winding the music box. "Nothing can stop us n–"
"A-a-ahoy, the-ere la-[LAMBS]-lads!" a broken voice chattered beside them.
Mike and Jeremy froze mid-sentence. Both slowly turned their heads to the door, where a certain broken pirate fox stood. Mike checked his watch: 5:58AM. Shit.
But thankfully, today, Foxy didn't seem to be in a killing mood.
"What d-d-did the pi-pi-[PYRE]-pirate say a year aft-t-ter it tur-[TURN AWAY]-turned sev-[1987]-seventy-nine?" Cap'n Foxy asked.
The two frightened lam–*AHEM*–security guards glanced at each other in fear and confusion. Fear, because some of those words that leaked out of the fox. Confusion, because this seemed almost like...like a...
"What did he say?" Jeremy squeaked out.
Foxy grinned. Or, tried to rather. There was no layering around his mouth to pull back and reveal more teeth, so it looked like Foxy was sizing Jeremy up, instead of grinning. Aforementioned guard shrunk back in fear.
"A-a-[I'M HURT]-aye matey!" Foxy joked, as the church bells rang. Satisfied with his joke-telling, he left them alone, Mike to ponder the joke's answer (without the creepy extra part) and Jeremy to need a new pair of pants.
"That clever shit..." Mike mumbled. Jeremy looked over in confusion. "Who?" he asked. "Foxy?"
"Yeah," Mike said. "What did the pirate day a year after he turned 79? Aye matey! Like 'I'm eighty'."
"Oh," Jeremy said, looking down the hall vacant of robotic foxes. "Well now we can answer the age-old question."
"What question?" Mike inquired.
Jeremy grinned. At the top of his lungs he shouted, "WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY?!"
()_()
(^c^)
o(_)o
(,,) (,,)
Bunny Pun Break
Amen Shita sat down for, ready for her new job at Freddy's Pizzeria. She grew up having pizza here. This will be fun, right?
"Wrong."
That was the first word out of the tape player. Amen looked at it worriedly. Could it read minds?
"No, I cannot read minds," the voice box said, with the sound of snickering in the background. "But I can assume you're thinking this experience will be fun~" the guy in the recording said 'fun' in a childish, sing-song voice. "You're wrong. And I can't read minds, that's just he next question I thought you would ask. Otherwise, this recording sounds stupid."
"Redo it," a younger voice offered in the background.
"Fuck it," the original voice said. "This is the third one. Anyways, welcome to Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria, blah, blah, blah. Log story short, these things want to kill you, and if you do, they won't tell your family until they have removed all evidences of such occurrences."
Amen stared at the phone recorder, and nervously flicked the flashlight. Was this guy for real?
"Just flash your lights every so often and wind the music box and you'll be fine," the guy said. "Now for the animatronics.
"The new Freddy is Freddy Fatbear. 'Cuz he's fat. If him or any of the Toys appear, where that Freddy hear under your desk. Or tell a pun. The bunny is the Ambiguous Gender Thing, because to this day, neither Jeremy nor I have been able to discern this thing's true gender. The toy Chica is something we like to call Mrs. Fanservice. Because who in there right mind would give a kids' robot boobs? A dumbass, that's who.
"Then there are the Withered shits. They're the old versions the company was too cheap to scrap. They don't have facial recognition, so just spam your flashlight and give them an epileptic seizure. The old bear is Freddy Fuckboi. The bunny is the Slenderman Wannabe. The chicken is a Dentist's Worst Nightmare. And the fox...well, Foxy won't bother you so much. He'll come up, say a joke, and just laugh at it. It's like a little pause for you. Now stop listening for a sec, flash the lights and wind the music box."
Amen shook herself out of her stupor and followed his instructions. She was only half surprised to see a chicken with boobs in the ventilation shaft. There was a loud clanging as the chicken bitch backed out. After winding the music box, she pressed play on the recording.
"Great!" the voice said. "Now, there are a few more robots. There is the balloon kid, Balloon Bieber. Don't let him in or he will steal your batteries and your lights won't work. If you see him climbing in, punt him down the hall. And lastly, there's the Nope-in-the-Box. If the music stops playing, just shout 'Nope!' and tell bad puns like your life depends on it. Because it will."
"Well, our shift is ending. Enjoy your weekend, and try not to die! See ya'!" the recording ended.
Amen unconsciously whimpered when the recording shut off. She looked around nervously.
What had she gotten herself into?
()_()
(^c^)
o(_)o
(,,) (,,)
Bunny Pun Break
Amen Shita was presented with the second scariest thing in her life. The brown bear (Fatbear) and the Balloon Bieber were there, and the Nope-in-the-Box was almost out of music. Second scariest thing to her, because she was saw three drunk frat boys in bikinis lugging around a dead, emasculated bear.
That was fucking terrifying.
"Ummm..." Amen squeaked. "Are y-you going t-to kill me?"
Fatbear nodded. Amen checked the time: 5:57. So close!
"We-Well..." Amen trailed off. "I'm a-afraid that w-won't be paws-sible."
"OH COME ON!" something in the doorway shouted. It looked like a puppet, but there were no strings on m– *AHEM*, on it. It had its arms thrown up in the air, like it was exasperated, which it definitely sounded like.
"Fucking Mike!" the Nope shouted. "He set you up to that, didn't he!? Do you know what the fuck I am!?"
Amen nodded out of fear and instinct. "Nope," she answered honestly.
When the bells chimed, the Nope looked ready to pull out the hair it didn't have.
()_()
(^c^)
o(_)o
(,,) (,,)
Bunny Pun Break
(A/N): Yeah. So, Mike and Jeremy had a little break, and left a surprise for the temp and the animatronics. Big thanks to oleg212 for the sheer mass of stuff he provided. If you're wondering who Amen Shita is, she's just a side character. You'll probably never see her again. As well, I kinda stole her from a manga, so shhh! Don't tell them.
Also, Amen Shita is an anagram: X XXXX XXXX, three words. It's very easy, and I have to wonder what the English translators of the manga were thinking. Oh well. Thanks for reading!
~Slenderbrine
Pun Donators:
-Internet Pic (1)
-puppetmicer(1)
-oleg212 (8)