Neighbors Chapter 13

I think I should say trigger warning for depression.

My mind went blank and I felt the blood rush out of my cheeks. Had I really said that loud enough to wake her up and hear? No, this couldn't be happening. I wasn't ready and I didn't want her to know. She would probably freak out if I said anything. I would tell her and she would be hurt, possibly cry. She would want to do something about it, but what could she do? She might try to fight him, but what if she got hurt? He held a knife to me. What if he had another, or worse, a gun? If Marceline got hurt because of me, I wouldn't know what to do. I'd be so depressed. I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

I have to think of an excuse. I had a dream about running away from something. There are a few ways to interpret that kind of dream. The common interpretation for the chase dream is that am being told by my subconscious that there is an issue or person that you have been trying to avoid. It could also mean that I'm afraid of something. If I could just make up a believable excuse...

"Bonnie, you're spacing out again," Marceline said.

"Oh, sorry," I apologised with a blush. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for yet another lie. "You're gonna laugh, but there's just something about Ash that really does creep me out. I'm actually afraid of him for some reason."

Saying his name made my stomach churn. Immediate guilt set in. I was lying to her so much. It wasn't right.

Marceline stared at me blankly for a long moment. Then she made a smirk.

"Is that really it? I mean, he scares you that much? What about him makes you so scared? He's not that scary, honestly. He's a big pansy."

She didn't know about the side of him that I know.

"Maybe I'm being silly," I said. I couldn't meet her eyes. "The way he looks at me...It freaks me out."

"Bon," Marceline chuckled, "He's nothing to worry about."

I frowned as she wrapped her arms around me. She really had no idea. Marceline kissed my fore head, but it didn't make me feel any better.

"But if you want we could take some self defense classes together. There are real creeps out there and its good to know how to defend yourself."

"I actually took a few classes in high school," I said. "I know how to defend myself pretty well."

"Oh, I didn't know that," Marceline said with a surprised tone. "I figured you for the prissy, girly type. I guess I had you pegged wrong," she said with a slight chuckle.

"I'm a nerd," I said as I teasingly punched her shoulder. "Of course I wasn't prissy." I stuck out my tongue at her.

"The way you dress suggests otherwise," she said.

She had a point, though, I suppose.

"I like the way you dress though, its seriously super cute," Marceline said as she slowly inched closer to me.

My face began to feel hot as she kissed my neck a few times, then moved up to my lips. She placed a hand on my shoulder and gently pushed me down until she was hovering on top of me and deepening the kiss. She and I stayed on the bed for a while. We kissed and our hands wandered - not too much, though, thankfully- as we enjoyed being in each other's embrace. But it didn't last as long as I wanted. Her cell phone alarm rang and she made a disappointed frown as she rose up to turn it off.

"I have to go to work soon," she sighed.

I rose up and put my arms around her. I didn't want her to leave. I wanted for the both of us to fake sick and call in. We could stay here all day and continue what we were doing before. That would be irresponsible, though. Neither of us would have a doctor's excuse, either, so we could get in trouble. I couldn't ask her to do that.

"Call me if you still feel sick tonight," she said, then placed a light kiss on the top of my head.

I nodded with a frown as she stood and watched with wanting eyes as she left. When I heard the front door close I sighed, wishing she would come back. Knowing she couldn't really afford to loose her job, I decided to shower.

I recollected our conversation from earlier as the water drizzled down on my back. Again I began to feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. I started to wonder if I wasn't good enough for Marceline. I really liked her but I couldn't stop lying to her. I wanted to say it was for the greater good, but maybe it wasn't. Maybe I was scared to tell her. Maybe I was scared of what she would think, say, or do if I told her. Would she think differently of me if she knew what happened? Would she be mad knowing that I lied to her and refused to tell her?

I sat down in the shower hugging my knees close to my chest. The soothing water began to feel more like a cold downpour. I couldn't keep lying to her and everyone else I considered close to me. But I couldn't gather the strength to talk about it, either. Talking about it would trigger a lot of emotions and leave me more vulnerable than I could ever tolerate. Maybe that makes me a bad person. Maybe I'm terrible for not letting people in.

I don't deserve her.

She's much too good for me.

She deserves someone better.

I gasped and tears began to fall. My thoughts stayed so negative, no matter how much I tried to stop. When the water got too cold I turned the shower off and got out to dress myself.

I tried to eat, but I didn't have an appetite. What few bites I did manage to eat tasted bland. When it was time I left to go to work. When I clocked in I felt like I was on auto pilot. The day moved by slowly and when it was done I drove straight back to my apartment.

I did the usual, changed into my pajamas, washed my face, and brushed my teeth. As I sat down on the bed I heard my phone beep. I unlocked the screen and found a text from Marceline asking if I was feeling okay.

"Yeah. I guess it was just a small cold," I replied.

I wasn't okay, though. Another lie. It was like second nature to me now. A tear fell down my cheek.

I don't deserve her.

"Okay. Good night," she messaged me.

I sat my phone down and plugged it into its charger. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep that night, so i didn't really try. I laid there in my bed and I couldn't stop thinking the same things over and over. It was like a thick, black fog had seeped into my mind.

I'm such a bad person.

I don't deserve her.

I'm sorry for making you guys think Bonnie would finally tell her. I've got a different plot planned out, so it can't exactly work out that way. I hope I'm not killing you guys. As always, I love the comments. Thanks for the awesome feedback here and on tumblr. I didn't expect to get any attention on tumblr. Thanks for that, everyone! I love you all and thanks for reading!