Fakers!

Chapter Three: The Stud, The Dud, and The Fugly

"And so he says 'I don't own anything here but what's in the wrong hole!'." ~Hibiki

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It was decidedly odd. Naruto had come to the decision, that today just topped his all around weird ass shit list. It wasn't all that different from before the Pein attack if you wanted to merely generalize it. Anything more and it became a whole new level of weird that he found himself in.

"They say he can… with just his toun-!"

"-jerk, if only I could hold out for hours. Stamina freak."

"I heard his thing is the size of a horse even when he's not-"

"-ly that bitch hadn't gotten him first I could ride that mon-"

"I wonder if he swings? I'd LOVE to try him-" Gah… those were just some of the whispers running around. And he would never walk a hundred feet near Yamaguchi-san EVER again. People pointed, looked at him in odd ways, and then the whispering began. The only new thing was the level of hatred apparent in the men's eyes… except Yamaguchi-san. Naruto shivered. That man's reactions were more like the women. Blushing, obvious (even to him) glances downwards lower that made him uncomfortable, whispering with other women, and giving him looks that made him feel more like meat in a Akimichi's sight than a Jounin of the leaf. Yamaguchi was going right up there on the list with those gothy looking girls who obsess about that damnable lip lock with the Teme.

Oh well he was safe now. Located in Training Ground Seven, his team of ladies waited for him. Futowari Haruka, Haruna, and Harumi. The Futowari Haru triplets. The Futowari clan was not a high clan nor was it influential. Survivors from the Kiri blood hunts, the clan had sought and was given asylum in Konoha, even taking a small section of the Uchiha compound as theirs. However the clan grew well and these girls were the first of 25 from the clan going into active service. Impressive though it seems the bloodline of the Futowari were not a doujutsu or an elemental hybrid but a type of birth superfluity. Every birth was a set of triplets, usually females though two of twelve triplet troops were male or had a male in them. Given how hard it was to handle the birth of triplets on a kunoichi body, nearly 90% of the Futowari women died of childbirth.

The Haru Mitsugo(Triplets) were the first to keep their mother in Konoha, thanks to the Medical Corp of Konoha. With mortality rates plummeting and the Futowari's population began to rise, the clan pledged eternal allegiance to the leaf village and all in her, and with the death of (most of) the Uchiha clan the Futowari expanded. And then here you are today, with three rather pretty kunoichi. Triplets of the clan always worked well with each other, so despite normal laws against putting siblings onto the same team the three were allowed together. As would most of the other triplets.

Which made it a pain in the ass in the mornings to figure out who was whom. Three pair of violet eyes peered up at him as they rested against the big tree by the water. It was a damn shame he didn't have Sai's artistic talents because he could have made a fortune on the image alone. If he could trust Sai not to talk about his 'Not So Small Naruto' he would find the man and have him draw it. But no, Sai had gotten a little more… open about his tastes than he would like, and he didn't want to corrupt his cute little students.

"Good Morning Sensei!" The girls chirped out, ah there was Haruna, that smile proves it.

"Morning ladies."

"It is true Sensei that you have a horse's coc-MPHHHH!" Haruka, the calmest of the trio, covered who had to be tactless (Even for him) Harumi's mouth as he stood there stunned and his mouth flopping about like a koi out of water.

"Never mind my idiot sister, Sensei. She has been talking with some of the villagers about Yamanaka-sensei's and your relationship, general sexual practices, and your genital size." Ah that explains a lo…

"Wait. WHAT?"

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Never had a day been so embarrassing, though one came pretty close. He still couldn't look Shizune in the face without blushing. Nearly half the women population… and a few men… Naruto really didn't care if you were… that way. Just so long as you don't go after him. Naruto shuddered. Anyway half the female population had asked for missions for his team, or outright just him. While financially a godsend for him and his team, and all the required D ranks were just about out of the way, it was pure torture. He was hit on, flirted with, just about molested and tackled to the floor on every one of the solo missions.

That was almost as bad as being double teamed by Harumi and whomever had the tedious job (Lift the soup can from the cabinet's top shelf to bottom 80 times! He was JOUNIN for gods sake! And his ass cheek was going to have a permanent pinch mark, he knew it!) as they gossiped about him and Ino's torrid affair in the Second Hokage's left nostril, or Ayame Ichiraku using Ino's sex seared belly to cook his food on because the chef's stove was broken… Okay he had to admit that one kinda turned him on. But the rumors and whispers and just straight out crap he had heard in a seven hour period were beginning to take a toll on the Jounin. He needed a buffer or he was going to freak out. This was getting ridiculous. He needed to talk to Ino, because frankly she owed him. At least he finally could get away from them and get some sleep. His team had done so many jobs that the smirking Hokage (Stupid Baa-chan) had given him a week off from missions. Maybe if he stayed holed up in his apartment for the week the rumors would go away.

There were voices around the corner. He knew them but couldn't place them. A warning bell went off in his head.

"You were in the same team as his sugar you would know after all." Holy shit that was a flamboyant voice.

"Well it's true, he does have a rather large-" Rather emotionless. Gosh it was on the tip of his….

"OH MY~! There he IS girls~!" Wait that was-!

Mr. Yamaguchi.

Dressed in all his; too-short short shorts, skin tight chest length shit, and reversed pink do-rag hiding the comb over; glory.

WAS RIGHT THERE… Talking with SAI…. AND THE GOTHIES! OH MY GOD THEY WERE POINTING AT HIS-!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH~!"

"What a stud!" Yamaguchi exclaimed as he tightened the knot on his 'Kiss me I'm beautiful' shirt above his wrinkly navel to give chase to the now distant blonde speck running like a certain Neriman Martial Artist from a feisty feline.

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AN:

Yamaguchi, is the over the top WAAAAAAAY too stereotyped version of homosexuality, even for Japan. I'd hope people would get that and that this which I am writing is completely not needed. However I'll spell it out to anyone offended. I don't matter if your black or white green purple blah blah and all that. In my line of work I get couples and folks of all races, spirituality, and sexuality. This afternoon I even took photos the most adorable couple ever. it made a group of girls rather uncomfortable to see two women like that but meh, I'd hope (and doubt) they'll get over it. People need to just chill and not worry about what other people are like. This isn't the last gay joke, nor is it the only bad humor going to be found here. This and Cold as Ice (Which is being worked on as well as Reality while I sort though memories writers forest. Block don't have shit on me.) will have highly controversial things, some I believe in, others I do not but feel make a better story. Offended oh well, I'll write so long as not every review I get for the chapter is negative.