Yamanaka Inoichi, proud (Some/most/all would say TOO proud) father of the best female interrogator this side of sane (Because Anko was batshit crazy.), woke up to his wonderful wife nestled in his arms, the air a crisp and clean after the storm. The sky was blue, the birds were singing it was the most perfect wonderful day. Given his longevity in the T&I department he should have know better. He decided to go and see his little hime, and see if his girl wanted to spend the nice day with her old man. Maybe Anko was okay after all, given their four day weekend. The only time lately he got to see his baby was at work, and hugging one another covered in entrails only was pleasant to one woman in T&I and frankly… Anko was batshit crazy.
So enjoying his walk he ignored the whispers and pointing as he made his way towards Ino's quaint little apartment. So nice was it he decided to see what the local watch, which was just another way to say gossiping housewives on the corner, had today. Information was always power, and as a member of T&I he would gather all he could, a few minutes wouldn't mean all that much on such a nice day.
Poor Inoichi.
0606060606
"No way! Sensei proposed~! Now my four step plan to get Sensei interested in us is OVER! Now I'll never get a chance to try his horse…" Such language for a small fry Inoichi thought as he stepped into the crowd to listen in. "Even if he had gotten with one of my sisters I could've taken her place, snuck in and had a taste every now and then! I can't believe this!" And no sense of tact either.
"It's okay Harumi-chan, there are other fish in the sea, but oh Naruto-baby why did you spurn me so~! I was so ready to enjoy a party with you!" Yamaguchi, he supposed, looked alright in the blue sundress and red sweater wrapped around his shoulders, but the pink do-rag was just clashed a little much. Wait Naruto, the one they had been calling "The Stud" proposed to someone? This WAS news! (Let it be known that ALL Yamanakas have a taste for gossip)
"I tell you! I stepped out about to yell at them because they made such a ruckus so late when I found the most adorable scene ever! It was just like me and Hiro all those years ago, I was so happy for them I just couldn't resist spilling it before they are ready to tell the village!" Kurogama giggled as she sipped her coffee. Her roller infested hair bounced just as she did with excitement. Now there was a thought. Kurogama lived on the same floor as his hime. How many other people lived on that level, he struggled to remember. Where there other females there Ino's age? Maybe that Sakura girl had finally moved in with his Hime and the Hokage's heir had finally decided to get together with her. Funny he hadn't heard Ino mention it. This needed further investigation, but on such a nice day, why ruin it, he'd figure he had some time before the rumors got really wild.
Poor, Poor Inoichi.
0606060606
He was given a spare key by his girl to allow him in when she was away from missions… or if he had pissed off Ino's mom, his loving daughter was truly his angel for not leaving her poor defenseless (Half the men Ino had dated would tell you different. The other half thought they were permanently four year old girls.) old man to the cold and wolves. He and her couch had a few rough nights here and there. He patted the couch fondly like it was an old friend. He looked about, something seemed off, Ino should have been awake by now. Perhaps hime had decided to sleep in, and normally Inoichi would have left her be, but it was just such a NICE day~!
"Ohayou Hime-chAHHHhhn…"
Why was his daughter wrapped in the arms of Uzumaki Naruto? Just like he had with his wife not an hour ago? Proposed? Naruto, but here with Ino, did that mean? Why had he heard NOTHING! Had this been an anime a small trail of smoke would have erupted from his ear as his brain self-destructed.
Then man who dared even be close (let alone… no it was TOO horrible for Inoichi to contemplate.. Touch yes let alone touch, come on Inoichi think happy thoughts after all it was such a nice day hahahahahaheheheee okay freaking out.) to his baby sleepily stroked his thumb across her belly as he nuzzled against her hair. Ino moaned at the touch and intertwined her fingers of her free hand (The one not holding the arm against her belly) in the hand that she was sleeping on. Had it been anyone else the man would have found it adorable. As it was he found it intolerable.
Inoichi's innocent vision of his daughter cracked, just like Inoichi's happy day. Taking in a deep breath the elder Yamanaka pulled the most powerful jutsu in the known world. 'Make your daughter's boyfriend crap his pants' no jutsu.
0606060606
Tsunade awoke to a sound wave, so strong it literally flung her almost out the open window of the Hokage's office and spill her sake all over the now flying paperwork.
"UZUMAKI NARUTO! WHY ARE YOU WITH MY LITTLE GIRL, IN HER BED, AND SLEEPING WITH YOUR ARMS AROUND HER?"
When she landed Tsunade looked around in horror as the soggy sheets fell around her, scrambling to her desk she pulled up the cracked sake Kraft.
"NO My SAKE!" Tsunade was so heartbroken at the loss of her booze she slammed her forehead against the desk to cry. One of the drenched papers absently slide under her lips brought her focus away from the spill and to it… Hmm. What the hell.
[lick]
"mm."
[lick lick lick lick lick]
0606060606
Fakers!
Chapter 06: It comes on swift wings
By
Hibiki
"Why did the Hibiki cross the road? 'Because only Kishimoto owns the other side." ~Hibiki
0606060606
Ino rolled over and placed her head against Naruto's shoulder, muttering sleepily about warmth, before succumbing to sleep once more. Naruto wasn't so lucky. Years of conditioning had woken him up around the moment Inoichi had yelled 'Your arms'. Hey, I never said it was GOOD conditioning. Given his disposition on his chances at a real relationship he had also never learned how to handle the possibilities of dealing with a irate father while his daughter cuddled against you. But to be honest, do any of us guys ever learn how to do that?
"Um… Hello Inoichi-san."
"Get your filthy hands off my daughter, NOW." Naruto slowly let go of Ino, slipping out of her grasp and out of the bed. It was then, in the light of the sunlight Yamanaka Inoichi noticed how very little Naruto was actually wearing. And then he realized even more disturbing, that those were HIS pants covering 'The Stud's daughter defiling, Hime corrupting, little girl snatching… THING! Inoichi could stand it no longer!
"You…. How DARE you."
"I can explain, sir." Naruto wasn't one much for diplomacy, as baa-chan hadn't gotten that far yet. "You see everyone in the village is going on about me and Ino having sex so we-" She was still trying to hammer the word TACT into his brain. "-Aw shit" See, it was almost there.
"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Inoichi sucker punched Naruto to the floor and quickly rushed to his daughter, making sure she was alright. His brushing of her face and shoulders (Where he found the hickey) awoke his platinum haired daughter.
Mmm. Naru… Daddy?" She blinked herself awake, clutching the sheets against her as she looked between the winded Naruto and her enraged father. "Daddy stop it, this is a big misunderstanding!"
"Right I should just end it now!" He began a set of hand signs as Naruto struggled to raise himself up to defend himself, and Ino incase Inoichi had really lost it. The older Jounin slammed his hands together, chakra swirling around his fingertips just waiting to be released.
"DADDY!" A lighter blonde blur moved between him and his target. "Leave him alone!" His hands dropped instantly, his eyes telling a greater story than his actions as he stared horrified at his barely clad and wonderful daughter stood in front of the man he had just almost killed. "Just stop it! Let us explain! Please Daddy?" he nodded, feeling hollow and sick to his stomach from his actions and the chemicals running through him.
060606060606
"So me and Ino really aren't that way, to let you know." Naruto, having returned to his mostly orangey and clothed state when Ino began talking to her father first, finished the two's tale as he poured the older Yamanaka a new cup of tea. Ino had stepped out to take care of something she said in the kitchen so it just was him, and the man who probably would have killed him except for his fast growing friendship with Ino. "She probably has like a million guys after her, there is no way she'd care about me like that." The inflection the man had used there allowed the older Yamanaka in the apartment to see something he had missed, something still broken deep in the other man's psyche.
"She must care for you in some way." The man unwittingly said to comfort the man across from him. Though Inoichi would later deny anything he rather liked the younger man. "Because that Jutsu she moved in front of would have fried your brain had I used it." Naruto was on his feet hands clenched in anger as he almost spat the following words at the other man.
"Are you OUT OF YOUR MIND! Ino was RIGHT THERE! If I had dodged or you missed (He ignored the older man grumbling that the brat would insinuate he would miss) you could have hit INO! That was the STUPIDEST THING!" As Naruto worked himself up into a titter, Inoichi smiled softly, though his anger was great at the man-child, he couldn't help but give him some credit in where his worry and fear were focused on. Ino had walked back in at the start of Naruto's rambling and blushed at the vehemence of his words.
"And THAT, Naruto, is the right answer." The younger man paused in his rambling to look at the man with confused eyes as the elder stood, thanking him for the tea. "Be certain you take GOOD care of my little girl, no matter what the reason. If you hurt her I'll make sure you spend the rest of your life wanting someone to do your pigtails!" Despite the threat Naruto only smiled.
"If there is anything left after Ino got through with me, sure, I'd deserve it." As he left the apartment and the two kids (after threatening Naruto about a hundred more times). Despite everything the Elder Yamanaka just had to give the boy props.
But that still wasn't stopping him. Yamanaka Inoichi had a mission.
0606060606
"Stupid Daddy."
"Nah, don't get upset with him." Naruto replied as they watched the man walk on from the window couch. Ino blinked in confusion then up at her fellow flaxen haired ninja.
"And why not, you should be furious!"
"Why would I be angry for him loving you?" Ino started, here was another one of those deep parts of Naruto she kept stumbling in. "Everything he did was to make sure you were safe, he didn't know what I was doing to you, and he knows how strong I am if I put my mind to it. If anything, I think he's a great dad…" His stormy blue eyes turned to the Hokage monuments. "You should feel lucky to have someone care that much to risk everything for you." Ino smiled sadly and covered his hand in his as a few tears filled his eyes. He smiled brokenly, as he took her hand up to rub his whisker marks softly, nuzzling against her soft fingers. "It's the greatest thing a parent can do, I should know." Even if it was fake, he needed her right then, and even if it was for only a moment, Ino was willing. Naruto pulled Ino into his arms and held her trying hard not to breakdown as she gently stroked his hair, humming that same tune she had when he had interrupted her book the previous day.
0606060606
Inoichi had heard of silver tongues, but this was ridiculous. He had come for the right to kill Uzumaki Naruto (There had to be a clause to lawfully murder your daughter's … whatever the hell he was, he was almost liking the other fair-haired man, but only almost because he still had no right to touch his baby girl.) and he found a drunk Hokage giving him the blueberry. Her toungue looked like she had dipped it into the ink well and then tried to write with the appendage (Not that she would remember but halfway through her sake papers she HAD tried.).
"Screw you! That's my boy, bagging the sexiest kunoichi in tha village! Hahahahaha~! I can't wait for the pretty little grandbabies they'll give me! Hee hee~! The STUD~! Hahaha~! That oughta be in tha bingo book! Hahahahaha~!"
It was clear he was on his own.
0606060606
He arrived home, his day of hell over, maybe he could just turn in, and hope to god that he would wake up tomorrow and all would be back to normal.
Poor, Poor, Poor Inoichi.
For there SHE stood. Arms crossed under her chest, fingers tapping a rhythm almost as old as time. Her foot matched the beat and here lips were set in a emotionless line that promised nothing but the opposite.
Aw Shit.
Ino had called ahead and told her mother.
"About TIME, asshole. So what is this I heard about you attacking Naruto? And I DAMN well better hear the TRUTH Yamanaka, because I swear if I think you are even lying about it your ass will-"
Damn Naruto, it had could have been such a NICE day.
060606060606
"Mendokuse, What do you want Inoichi-kun." Nara Shikaku looked at his long time partner and friend.
"My baby's shacking up with Naruto and my wife kicked me out!" The man was clearly distraught because he latched onto the Nara's jacket and began to cry. "My ladies hate me WAHHH!" For the next two hours the Elder Nara heard many things through the Yamanaka's breakdown. Mostly 'My baby's been corrupted.', 'That Bastard Uzumaki' and the weirdest one. 'It was such a nice day.'
What a troublesome person.
0606060606
GOD THIS THING JUST WRITES ITSELF! I can't stop! More and more ideas keep flowing for this. It's getting a bit ridiculous and given I told myself I would refuse to plan anything for this one it's amazing how far it's come from a stupid perverted joke.
So we see a little deeper into Naruto here. A little darker than I wanted this story at the moment but all will pan out. The rest of this was just too damn hilarious to write. I'll warn you now that it reveals something you have all wanted, and because of it, darkens the story quite a bit. but afterwards chapter eight returns to something lighthearted like this chapter.
Next Chapter: His Firefly.