Naruto had a migraine. Actually that is to say about two hours ago he had a migraine, now he had something that sat between splitting the entire continent in half to pounding his brain into something beyond the consistency of strawberry jello.
"I really hate you nii-san. I was comfortable. Me and Moegi had a long night." Bastard had the gall to yawn at him. He and Ino had talked all night in how to handle teaching Gaara in a respectful way, by the time they finished neither were up for a 'long night' and he was late to his meeting.
"This is your fault. If I am to die, then I am dragging you to hell with me." He looked like death warmed over, he knew it. The reason for it was the four men before him. Gaara he could understand. Having asked, and thus been accepted by Ino's gaffe, why his girl refused to admit she was wrong occasionally and had to go through with things a 'oops I made a mistake' would fix.(Apparently Naruto never got that memo) Anyway, Gaara he understood…
It was Kirabi, Ao, and Iruka who had been added to the lesson with Tsunade's order or Shizune's request that had him wanting to let death come. Respectful teaching went out the door when THAT stood before you.
"OH MY LORD!" Iruka was down. Wuss.
Because there were things more hideous in this world than an ugly elderly man coming at you with the intent of lovemaking.
"MY EYE! MY EYE!" Ao was felled by the horror. Wimp.
More deadly than a vengeful Uchiha.
Gaara was frozen… or unconscious standing up. Either way, Pansy.
More terrifying than Ino on her period.
"I HATE YOU SO MUCH NARUTO!" Konohamaru stop dropped and rolled. Weakling.
And that was Kirabi in the sexy jutsu. Which was himself… only with breasts. Muscular, muscular breasts. That wiggled when he flexed. Wiggled not jiggled.
It was a crime against nature.
"I'm so damn pretty when I got myself a kitty~! WOOHOO~!" He even sounded the same.
"I hate my life." And at that moment, he really, really, did.
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Fakers!
Chapter Eighteen: Girly Men
By
Hibiki
"You know I don't even need to put a crappy joke here. This chapter is just too damn weird to even try." -Hibiki, who owns nothing, remarked.
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Ino wasn't certain what she would find when she entered the training ground, despite her and Naruto's discussion about his jutsu. Stacks of porn, them peeping on women by the waterfall, going through Jaraiya's old books and journals. What she found stunned even her.
"No no no feel yourself sexy! Let the sexy FLOW through you, fill your bosom with it. Become that sexy thing you have deep inside of you! …There is no try, only DO."
He wouldn't.
"Come on ladies! Perk those chests up! Tighten that hip, swing out that ass! Size matters not, but do beware the flat side! For it is easy for them to fall, yes, easy to sag. Remember this."
He couldn't.
"Bi for the last time women do not have goatees!"
He was.
"Come on Gaara smile, you're a perky petite little thing that men would adore but that blank look is just freaky! HEY WATCH THE SAND!"
Naruto looked horrible, half annoyed and half upset, the rest worried. They had worked it all out for just Gaara. Her heart went out to her man. Wrapping her arms around her lover, she whispered an mixed hello and apology into his ear before turning to his students.
Iruka was rather tasteful. Hovering at either a big B or low C, the rather average looking not-woman was attractive in a way that reminded her of a long haired Shizune with Iruka's trademark scar. She was the kind of woman men would look twice at, but not ogle, as she walked by. Okay she could accept that, tasteful.
Ao was a little over the top, as her blonde hair had curled around her body, rather like her Kage's did, covering her stolen eye in curls. A sharp pointed chin poked out of her wild hair that drew the eye over a body she assumed only the Mizukage or Tsunade could beat chest wise. The rest was a very sexist statement, but it fit the parameters of the Oiroke no Jutsu.
It was something she and Naruto had worked on all night figuring out. Apparently the jutsu pulled from your thoughts what you find sexy and appealing and took those parts and combined into a figure that used your traits as a base. He made her tingle, when she noticed certain parts of her man's jutsu had changed lately from whomever to her.
Gaara was the biggest surprise in all this. Her hair had grown from it's short almost messy looks to a shoulder length tussle that framed her cute almost childish face. Dark mascara took to replacing eyebrow less coon markings on thick lashes. Her ruby lips were unmistakably Matsuri's and a cute button nose she had seen on Temari finished Gaara-chan off. Her form was the most reserved of all the women present, and all it did was add to her young peaceful look. Possibly an a-cup, she was slim, petite and little, something men really would adore. Damn her man was right. The overall the effect was a girl she could easily admit was gorgeous.
Then she turned to hagitha. No that was being nice… While her tattoos actually made for a complementing wild woman look that fit her weightlifters body, she didn't look feminine. It wasn't sexy, at least to her, because Bi's form was merely a female version of his own tall muscled and brawny male one. 'Her' hair remained at it was, so did her face, perhaps a mark of narcissism? Hell even his goatee remained. Bearded women she had heard of, but Oiroke Bi was fugly.
The five 'women' looked to her as she surveyed the training ground. She sighed. Because of her, this mess had started. So she would help her boyfriend. After all Ino had caused this, she would help. Who better to teach men how to act like women than a woman?
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Naruto stood beside Ino as she directed the men in 'feminine behavior'.
"NO! You can afford to be bashful if something like that happened. Guys come on! You have to act the part! You can't just up and look and sound like a man in a woman's body. Ao, why are you here?" Ino ordered.
"It was my understanding that in learning this I would be able to better protect the Mizukage-sama from hazards. I could infiltrate areas previously impossible for me to enter."
"Okay but if you act like that then you're sunk. If you can't truly get into the feel of it then you can't perform the advanced version of this jutsu. Honey, would you be so kind as to illustrate?" Naruto nodded and brought out a new technique.
"Reishou no jutsu." A massive burst of smoke appeared a scene appeared before them. A group of women sat in a outdoors bath, at the center was Mei and the female Ao. The women were chatting and Mei laughed. Ao remained sullen in the tub, alert for any threat to her Kage.
"Ne, Mei-chan how come your friend is so quiet?" One of the nameless girls asked.
"Oh don't mind Aoi-chan, she's very shy." Mei laughed as 'Aoi' frowned.
'OH! What a shame she looks so cute! I bet her skin is so soft." Before either ninja could start, one of the other women reached out to pat the shy 'girl' on the shoulder… only to have her hand sink into the woman's body. The illusion was disrupted and Ao was exposed to the women whose hand rested on his chest.
"She's… she's.. a HE!" The women all began screaming and hitting the now exposed male as Mei looked on with disgust.
"You failed me for the last time Ao." She leaned in. "I'll kill you."
[poof!]
The real Ao(i) cringed as the scene burst.
"You have to really push your intent into it. Like KI. It helps support the leap in logic your going to do when we step up to the final piece of this jutsu." Naruto was seriously thanking Ino from the bottom of his heart because she was truly making this a technique… not a prank turned attack like he taught Konohamaru. He'd probably been half beaten to death from dragging the men into the women's bathhouse by now.
"Final piece?" A cute but emotionless voice called out. Gaara-chan, their prized student, still wouldn't smile, despite both blonde's encouragement. Naruto looked to Ino as she wrapped her arms around him.
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"Yes, the Appa-henge. Can you show them again?" She asked softly. Naruto nodded and changed in her arms. His mother's face, a body type like Ten-ten's with Shizune's bust and Sakura's ass . As the smoke faded, it exposed Ino's stomach and legs, said girl grinning at the obvious compliments, and finally ending in Hinata's feet. To keep some sense of modesty a orange bikini covered bits deemed 'for Ino only'. Ino brought her focus from her own legs, to the nose and lips, which she couldn't recognize. "Whose mouth?"
"Oh um. You wouldn't know him." Him? "But his name was Haku." Naruto blushed as she realized how that sounded. "Remind me to show you later, I thought he was a girl." She went crimson when she realized that helped even worse. "Uh I… didn't you know… K-kiss him or anything…"
"Should I be jealous some man might take you from me?" She pouted teasingly, knowing her man was very straight… Big long straight… Mmm… Distracted, focus focus.
"Never. I'm yours. Till the day I die." Ah hell, she couldn't resist a declaration like that. Ino pulled her boy/girlfriend into a kiss (Did it count as cheating if the lips were another man's?). When she pulled back a few moments later her face was red from embarrassment.
"I'm all yours... But don't think because I kissed you as a girl means I'm interested in anything. I love my Naruto no matter what, but I want to fuck my man."
"R-right." She was blushing at the casual yet crude announcement and apparently Naruto's bikini top didn't have pads… because she was pointy.
"Ahem." Oops. Forgot about them. Bi was wrapping, Ao silent as usual, Konohamaru was bitching about stealing his technique…
"Anyway, Gaara." The two turned back to the red head.
"Are you two done making out, Umino-san is unconscious." Gaara remarked, a few feet behind her Iruka was wiping at her nose, glaring.
"I AM NOT!" And then it happened. Gaara gave the cutest little smile.
"Kawaii!" The two blondes exclaimed. The smile dropped. "Awww." Ino quickly got back to the thrice derailed lesson.
"Come here and feel this." She held out a pigtail of the Gama-sennin's hair, something that normally wasn't there for the Kazekage to feel and see the difference. Gaara went for something else that wasn't normally there.
[honk!]
"GAH!"
"Impressive. It feels real, rather firm. I would have never guessed." Ino blinked. Those, despite not being interested in them, were hers.
"Oh Gaara-chan! How forward of you. I didn't know you felt that way about me! But what will Matsuri-chan think if you leave her for little ol' me?" Naruto commented, biting her finger as she looked to Gaara with 'bedroom' eyes.
"Uzumaki Naruto…" Two points, never spoken, but were inherently understood from that point on. One was never make jokes using Matsuri-chan in her husband's presence. And two, an angry Gaara-chan was a cute Gaara-chan… That is, until the sand came out.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Only joking! HEY JOKING!" And Naruto promptly was chased by a sand storm.
"Idiot." Righteous Feminine Anger was something Gaara had gotten down quickly.
"DAMMIT THERE IS SAND WHERE THERE SHOULD NOT BE SAND! GAARA!"
Aw, that cute smile popped back up.
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"Quit digging in your pants… it's distracting!" Ino sniped at Naruto as she was once again caught rifling around in her new, much more modest (and sand resistant), outfit for the remaining granules of itchy sand trapped in her designated 'for Ino only' zones. The other blonde girl gave her a kicked puppy look, then glared at the smirking redhead once her girlfriend turned away to the others.
"Okay the appa-henge. Let's discuss that."
"I've never heard of this advanced henge before. Are you sure you are not spilling Konoha secrets?" Ao asked.
"No… The chou-henge or appa-henge is really just a different way of thinking for the jutsu. And it requires a massive amount of chakra to form." Naruto responded sitting on her hands in order to resist scratching. "When I was improperly taught the Henge I had to overpower the issues I had with forming it. They never told me it was am illusion that covered you, not a actual transformation. So thinking that a solid version was the right way I focused on ways to make my body into whatever I needed it to be. Since I didn't have anyone telling me I was doing it wrong…" Iruka and Naruto looked sad as the older woman wrapped her arm around her former student. "I just kept going with trying to make the Henge solid. I ended up using… how much was it hime?"
"We estimated the same requirement as an A class defense jutsu." Just about everyone started. Jutsu's had power ratings much like ninja, and everyone knew defense was more energy consuming than attack as it had to be held up for however long to provide protection. A defensive jutsu rating was given by how much power and protection it gave in a ten second interval. An A class defensive jutsu could only be used by a Jounin or a high reserve Chunin.
"And you were using this jutsu before you left the academy Naruto?" Iruka apprehensively asked. Ino had the same reaction last night when they calculated out the various parts of the Oiroke. Shape manipulation and chakra conversion aside, a clone jutsu tended to be about ten percent of the person who creates it leaving 90 in reserve for the real shinobi. It varied from type to type, but the average was 10%. They had spent an hour trying to find out Naruto's limit from when he was a Genin before training with Jiraiya. What they found was that straight out of the academy, Naruto had just about the level as was rumored to be contained in one Hiruzen Sarutobi. Only he had the control of one Konohamaru Sarutobi, at age 8.
By the time of the Pein battle, which changed so very much, he had more chakra in his pinky toe than she did in her entire body now and her reserve was rather high compared to her fellow kunoichi.
Now, five years of his chakra grinding and growing against the Kyuubi's, absorbing a good chunk of the foxes potent chakra, and access to Natural Chakra, his body was literally humming with power. It had left her breathless to think her man's name was so apt. He was a swirling maelstrom, no force could stop him if he wanted. And all she had to do was ask. She wasn't for being dominant, actually him being so in control while they had made love had turned her on just as well as his fingers, but the power she had been so trustingly given by probably the most powerful man the world had seen since the Sage of Six Paths was making her grind against the log trying to stop the desire to take him right then. Gaara, Kirabi, and Naruto's noses twitched and looked to her. And they could tell she was aroused. Stupid containers and their sensitive noses. Iruka, Konohamaru, and Ao thank god were clueless. She'd die if all the men around her knew she was soaking her pants thinking about her man's… manliness. Stupid Konohamaru. She should be home feeling her man's manliness. She bit her fingernail, mindlessly running her tongue over it's tip as she tried to ignore looks.
"Um." Naruto warbled, his thoughts a bit distracted (Good -Ino). "Anyway I found I could make a chakra shell. At first it wasn't all that great, everything felt fuzzy indistinct but the shell was solid. But I learned the harder I 'believed' what I was doing the easier it was to create something that did what I wanted.. And felt." She blushed. Oh yes Ino had fun 'talking' (Read: teasing) about that. Apparently there was a reason for him knowing how good certain things felt. Not that she could, or would ever dare, complain, wiggling again. "It's about intent, like Ino said. If you think hard enough, and push the right amount of chakra your body follows the path of least resistance and you take up space in the shell no matter the size and you feel everything like you always did.
"Bi, I've never done it partially before but maybe this is a way for your brother to regain his arm. If only for a little bit every few once and a while." Ino was shocked by Naruto brining up something they knew the Raikage had been too proud to admit affected his abilities. It was a much sore subject of much worthless research, A had lost his arm in combat with Sasuke, the limb A severed off to keep the rest of him from burning and to remove the now useless body part. So for the last five years he had tried many prosthesis or healings to regain function or regrow his left hand and forearm. None came to an acceptable replacement for him though Ninja throughout the world benefited from their work. "So I'll train you so you can teach him this okay?"
"So he'd be able to use it like his original?" Ino had rarely heard Kirabi sound so normal. Naruto nodded. "For how long?"
"In time he could use it like he never lost his arm. As for how long he could hold it… Ino?" Ino started then ran through a few numbers using a stick in the dirt.
"On our Kage Bushin ratio, a Kage level ninja would be able to use it for a days without using other jutsu. Though like any jutsu…"
"The moment he releases the chakra it will drop." Bi finished. "Please teach me." He bowed lightly.
"You only have to do one thing for me." Naruto remarked as Bi looked at him with an unreadable expression. "For all that is good and holy will you please remove that goatee, your seriously the creepiest looking woman I have ever seen."
So silly was the request Ino couldn't help but break down laughing.
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The group of wanna-be women had disbanded, each knowing all the two Oiroke masters and Ino could teach them. Iruka was the only one who really hadn't gotten the advanced transformation, but only due to his average reserves, something he need to personally work on. Ao's looks would get him noticed a little too much but his reason for doing the rather humiliating training was now possible for him. Chojiro would be insanely jealous when he learned of it. Kirabi, having FINALLY removed the facial hair looked rather like his twin sister than a sexy woman, but it would be enough to fool someone chasing him for enough seconds to take them out or escape. Konohamaru headed off to have another 'long night' with his fiancée leaving Gaara and Ino latched onto the arms of one Konoha Jounin nick named 'The Stud'.
Actually it was Ino's idea to see if anyone could recognize the Kazekage in his Oiroke mode, and to make Naruto a little uncomfortable the two had snuggled up to him. A flustered Naruto was an adorable one, Ino had realized, and she couldn't resist seeing it every chance she got. Thankfully for her and despite his normally aloof nature, the Kazekage had a prankster heart and it was doing Naruto's no good. Ino was great, sexy, and wonderful, if only a little too teasing to him, having her near him was the greatest thing. However, Gaara-chan was really pretty, if one forgot for a moment that she was actually a once blood thirsty Kage bent of feeling said blood splatter across HIS body in a way only one Mitarashi Anko found desirable.
So it was no wonder having 'her' head rest on his upper arm as they walked, that even the feel of Ino's hand in his right wasn't helping him deal with his 'sister's in his left. People were starting to talk about the pretty redhead 'The Stud' had bagged, jealous stares from women as they looked at her and who she was with. The most blush inducing where the loud threesome comments that thankfully were sparsely spoken as they walked. Had either of his pervy teachers been alive, he would never have heard the end of this.
"Gaara-chan!" Matsuri was ahead of them waving. Gaara slipped from his grasp to stand before them. Shyly playing with a lock of her hair, the 'girl' thanked them.
"Mmm, Naruto-kun, Ino-chan, I had a wonderful day. Thank you again." That cute teasing smile appeared and she bowed, making Ino and Naruto blush despite knowing full well there was a laughing male Kage under that sweet demeanor. As she brushed her right bangs out of her eyes past her ear the girl gave a 'blush' then walked to her wife. The two blondes stood woodenly long after the red head and her lover had walked out of their vision.
"I've created a monster." He remarked finally.
"Yes you have." She agreed. He sighed looking at the sky's waning light then to his lover.
"Let's go home." Taking in her appearance in the orange glow of the setting sun, he couldn't help but admire her. "I'm ready for a nice 'long night' with you."
"Good because I played with my girlfriend all day long with her weird friends. I'm more than wanting my man." He pulled her close kissing her deeply, holding her against him, as he kissed her with a ferocious need.
"Your man wants you too." He replied that sent a thrill down her body.
"Race you home lover." She started running and he waited a moment to admire the sleekness of her legs as they moved. Oh yeah, he loved those legs.
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AN:
All these she and hers were killing me! Argh. This didn't flow out as well as I hoped. I dunno I had like four good jokes then the rest was crap. Bah. I sounded like a technical manual though one piece. Bah! Oh well. I'll try and just go with the flow more next time. I just need something to really make me laugh and find humorous to throw in this. Driving helps and be doing a lot of it Monday. So bear with me, I finally tripped a little in this story. Looks like I might brush the dust off Memories and see if this fic helped get some juices flowing.
Next Chapter: Trials