It's been a week since Len and I broke up and I still haven't been able to pull myself together, not even enough to get out of bed and go to school.
Gumi delivers my homework to me every day which remains untouched in a pile underneath my bed.
Now you may be wondering what the fuck have you been doing home all week Rin? And let me tell you crying, cutting, and contemplating suicide. I also did a lot of thinking although it just made everything worse.
I thought about everything I did wrong.
Was I not pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, was my hair too short, and was I too loud?
I got up and stared into the mirror at the ugly, fat, billboard that was reflected back to me. Of course, Len cheated on me I was repulsive.
My blonde hair was far worse than a rat's nest tied in a bun above my hair, my eyes were all puffy and red, I was also a midget with no boobs, and just plain hideous with fat everywhere.
That's probably why none of my friends visited too except for Gumi, I bet she didn't even want to come either. I was the largest scum of the earth that's definitely why none of them visited. No one could care for such a worthless being such as myself.
I felt bad for burdening all the people who were forced to deal with me and be my "friends".
Not my mom, dad, sister, or brother cared about me forget about Len who I actually thought cared.
Maybe if I was more like Neru Len wouldn't have cheated on me in the first place.
The tears stung my eyes and rolled down my cheeks while I thought about how good it would be to permanently end this pain.
I wasn't needed in this world anymore.
I tore off my grey cami tank top, and tread to the bathroom, I picked up my favorite razor and cut the only place I hadn't cut yet….my stomach.
I slowly drag the razor across the area right above my bellybutton which was also right between my ribcage and stare into the mirror fixated with the scarlet blood that oozed out.
The euphoria I used to experience stopped a while ago, no matter how deeply I cut I still felt empty.
I honestly don't know why I kept on this facade, I wasn't fooling anyone.
It was decided I was going to kill myself, but I didn't want to die as the ugly horrendous creature I was.
I was going to become skinny, pretty, and make Len regret ever breaking up with me.
After I was done with that I was going to hang myself.
Guess when it was all going to start?
Today.
I went skipping to my laptop, I looked at all the top diets, exercise regimens, and tips/ tricks. Not long after that, I came across a website called
I clicked on it deciding to check it out. It was a really a really nice blog spot with a neat clean front and very well organized.
What was on it you may be wondering? Everything, the inspiration to get thin or more commonly known as thinspiration, every diet you could think of, quotes, and countless tips and tricks.
You name it you'll find it.
I was in awe staring at everything and well their was a 100% guarantee that if you followed the diets to the tee and adhered to all the rules you would be satisfied with the results.
After a couple hours of exploring, I soon came to the realization pro-anorexia wasn't just a diet or fad, but a way of life.
This was something you did for the long run and judging from all the before and afters I was going to be happy.
I grabbed my diary and wrote the first 100 rules down…wow, I haven't written in this thing in years.
After much contemplation, I chose the ABC diet for now. I needed to get used to the way of things first.
I was also going to make the commitment to exercising every day too.
Tomorrow was the start of it and I was allowed only 500 calories.
The quote " Nothing taste as good as skinny feels." was permanently ingrained into my brain as I fell asleep.