I don't want to have to share you
Summary: In which Asami remembers and tells her story
AUTHOR'S NOTE: (This is sort of a part one but the next chapter will have a different title.) HEY GUYs! man this was hard to write. And I'm sorry it took so long with the update… So some ppl where sort of angry that I didn't give a warning about Asami's rape. So I'll say this now if you're looking for a happy fluff full story with unicorns, rainbows and sunshine TURN BACK NOW. I'm a lover of tragedy and hardship. There will be a lot of both in this fan fic. With that said Korrasami is end game as is a happy ending… I think… this fanfic is not planed out and is not beta'd so sorry for that.
Anyway thanks for reading!
"A-a-and you… what about you Asami… w-what do you think about the Avatar?" she asked, concern filling her voice.
I shook my head. "I don't know. I don't know how or what to think about the Avatar." She looked away.
"So… you hate the Avatar too." She said lowering her voice.
"No… it's just that I don't know anything about the Avatar. I can only imagine what he or she is like." I said looking up at the ceiling. I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them before continuing. "but… when I think of the Avatar I imagine someone strong, intelligent, kind and warm…. Someone wise beyond their years… someone a lot like you Korra."
I turned to her and smiled. She was staring at me with a surprised look on her face. My smile softened. "but as much as I admire the Avatar I also think their life is a bit sad don't you?" our eyes locked with one another.
"Why is that?" Korra asked confused by my statement.
"Well because… the Avatar can't be accountable to just his or her self, nor can they be accountable to just one person. They can't fully fall in love with someone… at least not without the constant fear of losing them or leaving them alone and dying… they don't have a choice in how their life will progress over time." I said.
"Asami… can I ask you something…" she said. I watched her for a moment before nodding. "What if… and I'm just saying hypothetically speaking I was the Avatar… would you…. Would you still not want to be with me?" Korra averted her eyes for whatever reason and I sighed at her question.
"Korra it…. It wouldn't be a matter of not wanting to be with you. I wouldn't be able to." I said felling sad to have said so.
"Why!" she protested. "Is it because my life would be in constant danger?"
I shook my head again. "Because Korra… the Avatar cannot belong to just one person… and I am not so good of a person to want to have to share you with the entire world." She refused to look in my direction.
The image splits and fades into nothingness. It is replaced by darkness, coldness and emptiness. I'm alone now and the only thing that I want, the only thing that remains present in the front of my mind… the only word, or person I want to see, is Korra. I don't like this place this feeling that it gives off. It's like I'm drowning in this void and for just a moment I think, no I'm almost certain that I'm dead. And for some reason, even though I only want to see Korra just once more… I'm relieved. The idea that I might be dead is almost freeing. Because if I'm dead I don't have to tell Korra what happened to me. If I'm dead, then there is zero chance that my father is a traitor and allowed all that to happen. If I'm dead I don't have to live with the guilt of it being my fault, knowing that I didn't fight it, that my body betrayed me… betrayed Korra. But most importantly, if I'm dead then I don't have to relive those days over and over again.
Unfortunately, I'm not that lucky, because as soon as I start to accept the fact that I might be dead the darkness before me breaks and a new image fills it.
"Stop… I don't want this." My voice came out shaky and nothing like me at all.
Nazaro only grinned. "You aren't a very good liar. Let me check." I tensed as Nazaro's hand snaked around my waist and his fingers finally delved between my legs. The touch only remained gentle for a split second as if to say 'you have no say in what goes on here' before finding a rougher purpose. His thumb pressed down painfully hard on the firm bud of my clit, trapping it until it gave a needy twitch.
'Dammit. This isn't what I want… this isn't who I want…' even thought I knew it would change nothing of my current situation in my mind I spoke the words I dare not say out loud. 'Korra please… forgive me for not being strong enough to fight this son of a bitch off of me. Forgive me for letting someone else touch me… I am so, so sorry.'
I cried out before I could stop myself, and my hips would have jerked forward had I had any control of my body. With that cry… with a single moan of pleasure my heart broke and continued to do so with everyone I let out after that.
"You're so swollen already. Dripping, too. Looks like your body knows what it wants."
I shut my eyes tighter. "N-No…" my voice barely a whisper. my traitorous body released a flood as soon as Nazaro's fingertips toyed with my entrance, more than enough to cover his free hand and begin to form a puddle on the floor between my legs.
Now I know I'm not dead. There is no way that this would be so real. I hug my arms around my body… at least I think I am. I can feel it all. His greedy kisses, his rough hands running over my body. His breath on my back where he marked me. His voice that taunts me and my lack of control over my body. Once again the image dissolves and I'm in darkness again.
I want out of this nightmare. I want out of the walls of my mind and the chains that come with being here. So I run, in not definite direction and to no certain destination but I know I don't want this emptiness that has buried itself inside me and turned my blood into ice. I want to feel the warmth again… her warmth, so I run.
The darkness isn't ready to let me go just yet because the floor falls out from underneath me and my being is pulled into another reality a more familiar and even more terrifying one. I hold out my hands only they're different, and a lot smaller and less worn than the ones I have grown so use to.
My mother is there, I watch as she leaned over and kissed my father.
"Ew that's gross mommy." I say hiding my face behind my hands sneaking peeks and giggling. She throws her head back and laughs before scooping me up in her arms.
"Asami my little Higanbana, kissing the one you love is a perfectly natural and beautiful thing." She says with a wide grin on her face. Her eyes have this shine to them that mine could never compare to. It's this pure and innocent glow and I'm scared that it's a glow I will never have.
"Hmm… if you say so mommy. But I'm not doing it." She hugs me tightly; her nose nuzzles my cheek.
"Sure you say that now sweetie, but all it takes is one person, one moment, one spark to change your perspective, color your thinking. One moment that forces you to re-evaluate your thinking and everything you know. When you find that person it'll be like finding your other half. You'll wonder how or if you were really living before you met them."
"Sounds complicated to me." Both my parents laugh this time.
"Well Hopefully you won't have to deal with that until you're your thirty. I'll just have to beat the guys away with a bat or something until then." My mother playfully hits my father's arm. "What you were thinking it as well dear."
"Perhaps but let's not forget her soulmate could also be a girl."
"Right, right… then you'll just have to beat them off with a bat." She gives him a stern glare that is quickly broken by her smile.
"The point that I was trying to make, my little Higanbana, is that the ticket you were handed on the day of your birth is completely open. The choices we make in life have unlimited possibilities. All you can do is think of them."
Again I'm thrown into the void only this time it's different…. Only this time I'm not alone. There are three voices two are familiar but one… one is deeper, darker. I try my best to filter that voice out. The first voice that I manage to make out from the remaining two is that of my mother.
"Mom… Mom where am I, what is this place?" She responds with a sad smile. "Mom I miss you… so much. I've tried to be strong, to be a good person but I can't… I just… I don't want to do it anymore." Tears spill from my eyes and I don't try to stop them, I don't want to. I run into her arms and hid my tears against her chest.
"Hey my little Higanbana, what are you crying about? I'm here… I'm right here, sweetheart." She stroked my hair and placed a chaste kiss on the top of my head. "Sweetheart It's time for me to go… don't push her away ok… remember what I said… remember that no matter what my little Higanbana I will always love you… Asami don't fear the flames…" I wasn't able to hear the last bit of what she had to say that other voice… the darker one doesn't want me to hear it. It wants me here, wants me in the void.
"Asami" it called. "Stop fighting me Asami. I'm only trying to give you what you want." He says giving a sinful laugh and it's enough to send a shiver down my spine. "You want to escape Asami… I can help you do that. let me help you Asami." I shake my head I want to go back… I mean sure I don't want to go back and deal with the fallout of everything but…. "Then let me deal with it all for you."
"No. I… I need to go back. Running away won't make my problems disappear just because I want them to. Besides there are people waiting for me."
Waiting for you? You mean your father who allowed those people to break you in every possible way. Or perhaps you mean that girl. Did she not lie to you about being the Avatar? What about her bending?"
"It doesn't matter. I don't know if my father was… is involved with those Equalists. And Korra didn't lie about being the Avatar and she wouldn't hurt me…" He cut me off.
"Are you sure about that?"
"Yes. Korra is not that type of person."
"Alright believe that if you so choose. But tell me do you think she will accept you once she finds out that you're no more than tainted goods?"
"…"
"That's what I thought. What are you hoping for?"
"I'm not hoping for anything. Hope only leaves you… with something to lose. But I know Korra she…."
"Oh I see now… you're in love with that girl. What a useless emotion. People in love… this is why I hate dealing with them. They have their minds clouded by desire and behave like fools. Their impaired judgment makes them whimsical and reckless."
"I've had enough. Why don't you crawl back into that dark empty hole you came out of?"
"When you are done…" before he can continue I cut him off.
"Who are you anyway? What do you want from me?"
"You know who I am Asami. I am you. As for what I want… well it's more like what do you want."
"There is no way in hell I'm buying the whole 'I am you' bullshit. And what I want is for you to get the fuck out of my head. What I want is to know why you're even here to begin with."
"I'm here because you're here… because you want help… the type of help I can provide."
What help. The only help I need is finding a way out of here. As if on que the last voice spoke up. It's very essence seems to cause the darker being pain and for just a second I take momentary pleasure in that. As the voice gets louder the darker entity begins to fade. Fist his legs then torso and arms, all until the only thing that remains are a few facial features his eyebrows, red crimson color eyes and a grin that says 'this is nowhere near over yet'.
There is no figure to go with this last voice, but then again there isn't a need for one because I know this voice. It's the same one I've dreamt about for the last five or six days.
"Asami…. 'Sami look for the light in the dark. Look for your light in this dark…."
"What does that even mean..." I wait for a response and receive it in the form of a chuckle.
"It means it's time to wake up Sami. I'm waiting for you so please wake up."
I jump up out of my sleep into a siting position and immediately regret doing so. It feels like I got hit with several different Satomobile and dragged a couple city blocks in the process. I fall back down with a groan and realize I'm not alone. There is a small girl siting besides me.
"Hi glad you're awake. I'm Jinora." She says with a smile.
"Uh hi Jinora. I'm Asami" I look around the room I'm in. nothing looks familiar. "Um would you happen to know where I am?"
"You're in Korra's room…." She watches me to gauge my reaction before continuing. "But I suppose that wasn't what you meant. You're on Air Temple Island. Korra brought you here. And don't worry you're safe here. This island is neutral territory and we air nomads don't permit violence here."
"Oh… And Korra where… is she ok?" Her smile widens.
"Korra's out back arguing with Lin and Dad. She's ok but I think she's more worried about you. She freaked when you collapsed. She kept saying it was her fault. But she'll be happy to know you're awake…. She must really care about you, you know."
It's my turn to smile and as an added bonus I'm blushing. "I, uh, really care about her too Jinora." I sit up, much slower this time and swing my feet of the side of the bed. "Do… do you think you could take me to her?"
"I would love to." She says and holds onto my arm to support me as I stand and try to keep my balance. I wince at the contact which doesn't go unnoticed by the young girl. "My Aunt Kya is here she can heal you if you want… or Korra if you feel more comfortable with that."
"I… I don't want to tell Korra… I don't want her to worry any more than she already does." She nods in understanding and we make our way out of the room towards the others.
As we get closer to the training grounds the arguing turns into yelling and I flinch at the sound.
"SHE COLLAPSED AS SOON AS WE GOT HERE. SHE'S IN NO CODITION TO GIVE YOU A STATEMENT RIGHT NOW." Korra yells at Lin. Lin glares at Korra, giving her a look that says 'if you don't watch your tone I'll put you in the ground myself'.
"Korra we understand. I understand that you are just worried about Miss Sato's health and well-being. However, if we want to catch the people behind her abduction we need to know any information she has." Tenzin says placing a reassuring hand on Korra's shoulder. She's ready to pick up her arguing but before she could a woman with gray hair and soft crystal blue eyes appeared next to me and clears her throat. The group turned and looked over at us.
Korra's eyes lit up with joy but quickly changed to concern. She raced over to me in what felt like slow motion. In that brief amount of time everything from what happened in the last couple of days, as well as that voice from my dream, came rushing back and with it the fear. I sidestepped Korra's embrace and immediately flew into a panic because of it. She must have noticed, not that it was that difficult to figure out, based on the pout she was wearing. Not that I'm complaining because as it turns out a pouting Korra is too fucking adorable. I mean like really something that cute has to be illegal cuz wow.
I try to play it off with a laugh that sounds a bit forced and nervous even to me. But if she noticed, which I'm sure she does, she doesn't push the matter. "Uh hey." Now I really do burst out in laughter and she looks utterly confused. Probably thinks I lost it or something.
"I've been gone what… five or six days. Spent half of today fighting a bunch of Equalist not to mention trying to convince you not to kill them while you're in the Avatar state, thanks for telling me by the way. So much for hypothetical theories. Get airbent half way across a room, which again thanks for that, and finally collapse from exhaustion. And when I do wake up all you have to say is 'Uh hey'." Her mouth opens and closed several times before she rubs the back of her neck and frowns avoiding any and all eye contact. "Hey Korra… I'm just joking…." She doesn't look up. "Sorry for side stepping your hug."
"S'okay. How are you feeling? Do you need to rest more? I think you should rest more. I'll take you back to the room." I held up my hand to stop her.
"Actually I think I need to speak to Lin and Jinora here said something about meeting her aunt." Her eyes widened.
"Wait. You mean Kya? Is something wrong? Are you hurt somewhere? If you're hurt, you know I'm a healer too. I did learned from the best. I can heal you."
"No!" I say not at all meaning to sound as objective as I do. Korra frowns at me. "Sorry what I mean is I… I'm not saying that you are incapable. I just…" my voice trails off and I cast my gaze to the ground unable to meet those blue irises that seem to tear down all my walls and bring to the surface all the things I just want to keep buried. How am I suppose to tell Korra, the girl that has brought me so much happiness and comfort in such a short about of time, that for the past week or so I've been the personal play thing of a psychopathic masked freak obsessed with doing Raava knows what to Benders. And if that isn't enough my Father may or may not be involved. How do I tell my Girlfriend that not even a full 24 hours after we become official that I've cheated on her… ok so maybe rape isn't cheating exactly but… then why does it feel like it?
"Hey… Hey Sami it's ok I know what you mean. I mean I don't but I understand." She moved to place her hands on my shoulders and without thinking I shoved her away.
"Oh my god. Korra I… I'm so sorry." I stare at her certain of the fact that my face is most likely twisted in horror. Before I can say anything more Lin cut in.
"Well that's enough of that can we get that statement. We're on a tight schedule. Save the awkward reunion for later." Kya elbowed Lin and glared at her. "Ow. What was that for?" Kya shook her head before turning to me.
"Come on sweetie let's get you fixed up. Then you can finish talking with Korra." I nodded… at least I think I did. Not really sure, my eyes never left Korra's. it was only when I felt myself being led away did I break that eye contact and even that wasn't enough to stop me from stealing glances over my shoulder just in time to see Kuvira and Opal stop Korra from following.
Before I know it I'm back in the room I woke up in. I didn't get a good look at it before, but now that I'm actively trying not to make eye contact, I notice how warm and comforting it is and I finally relax. Jinora said this was Korra's room so I guess that explains a lot.
Kya reenters the room, not that I noticed she left in the first place. She sets the bowl that she's carrying down onto the desk besides the bed. "Okay Hon, I'm going to need you to take off your jacket and shirt." She must have notice my hesitation because she then smiles at me softly and says "It's okay. You're safe here. The healing works better if I have direct contact with your skin." I don't argue and begin to remove my jacket. I hesitate for a moment more and lower my eyes to the ground once more before removing my shirt.
The two older women gasp at what is, without a doubt, a body covered in blues, purples and yellows from the neck down. "Spirits What the Flameo did they do to you?" Lin says.
"Persuasion. They wanted me to join their cause. They thought I would be more open minded if I was broken… they never took into account just how much it would take to break me." The room falls silent and Kya says nothing as I lay down and she begins to go to work on the larger bruises.
"Can you tell me what happened?" Lin asks and I stiffen at how soft her voice is.
"there's not much to tell…. Honestly after the first day the rest where kind of a blur. But I can tell is that those Equalists, the ones you have in custody, work for a man name Amon."
"Amon?" Lin asks.
"Yes. He's their leader however, he said something that made me think he's getting back up from someone… someone with money to throw around."
"Did they say who? Do you know where the hide out is? What are his plans for the benders…?" Lin was cut off by Kya.
"Lin she's been through a lot you can't just bombarded her with questions like that." She said with a stern look.
"No. it's fine. Amon is not someone that should be able to do as he pleases." I turned to face Lin. "From what I got Amon and the Equalists hold rallies or some sort of gathering in an abandon building. They didn't say much on the matter but from what I was able to gather from some of the guards you need an invitation to even find the exact location. My guess is that you should start your search by looking for some Equalists sympathizers. I don't know what his plans are for the benders he kidnaps… but I can say that whatever he's doing to them it's changing them.
"Changing them. What do you mean by that kid?" Lin asks.
"I'm not entirely sure… it's like they're one way when they're taken to see Amon but when they are returned to their cell they look like a part of them had been taken. I know it isn't what you want to hear but that's the only way I can explain it." Lin contemplates everything I just said before looking back at me.
"And this financer that you say they have backing them did they say who it was?" I don't answer. It isn't 100% that my father is involved with the Equalist let alone financing their so called revolution. I'm not going to incriminate my father before we even find evidence. And if he is involved… I don't want a random search warrant tipping him off and having him running to Amon. Whatever that mask freaks plan it I know one thing… if he's going after benders that means my friends are in danger… Korra is in danger.
"No. they didn't mention who it is that is providing the funds." It is obvious bases on the scowl Lin is wearing that she knows I'm hiding something but she doesn't get the chance to ask. The water around Kya's hands stop glowing. Her hands rest above my lower abdomen. She bends the water into an empty bowl and looks at me.
"Asami…" It's clear. She doesn't have to say more for me to know that she knows or at least has some idea of what those bastards did to me. "Did they…."
"Like I sad Persuasion. At least that's what they called it." Lin looked back and forth between the two of us obviously confused as to what we're talking about. "Amon, when I spoke to him said something about putting a mind like mine 'to better use for the cause' whatever the hell that was suppose to mean. It was the reason for my abduction and I think the only reason why they didn't lay a finger on Bolin. Probably wanted to stay on my good side." I found myself lost in thought when Lin cleared her throat.
"Ok kid so what happened next. I'm still not sure what the two of you are talking about here and I'm on a tight schedule." I nodded before continuing. Then it hit me. I remember Amon's words. I sat up and locked eyes with the Chief of Police.
"I remember Amon saying something about being a part of 'History in the making.' What he's planning… is a genocide… the removal of all Benders. I don't know how but from what I've seen it's nothing good."
Kya's hands hovered about me. "Lie back down you really are not in any condition to be moving around let alone getting excited like this." I frowned but listened and lied back down.
"After that I called him insane, compared him to Fire Lord Ozai and bit his hand." Lin roared in laughter.
"insulting him twice and then biting him. I'm starting to find you more and more tolerable kid." I gave her a halfhearted smile.
"Yeah I thought it was amusing at first too… but that was when he told that bastard Nazaro, to see if he can change my mind. Turns out the two of them had different opinions on how to do that. Amon's idea of 'persuading' me was to beat and starve me into submission… Nazaro's idea of 'persuading' me was… to rape me into submission. I put up one hell of a fight though…." My voice trembled and I avoided the looks of concern and sympathy I was receiving from both of the elder women. "That is until thy brought in the Chi Blocker. There was… no fighting it after that… but there was no way in hell I was letting myself cry in front of him. No way in hell I was going to give him that sort of power over me."
While I was talking I hadn't even noticed that Kya had continued with her healing session or the fact that at some point during my retelling of the events I had finally started to cry. "Oh sweetheart, it's okay you're safe now. You're home. It's going to be okay." Kya said as she pulled me into her embrace.
"And that Nazaro character is behind bars. With your statement we can put him away for a very long time. Provided if you're willing to come down to the station at some point." Lin added.
"I don't mind giving my official statement to the police Chief… I just…I can't… please I don't want Korra to know. I can't tell her. Please Korra can't find out about any of this…."
"Korra can't find out about any of what." A voice came from the other side of the door. It didn't take much to know who it was. At that moment Korra and Kuvira entered the room. Well more like Korra barged in and Kuvira was dragged in tow behind her. It couldn't have happened at a worse possible moment seeing as I still haven't gotten my tears under control. Her eyes fell on me and concern filled her face. "what don't you want me to know?"
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know; I know after so long for an update I leave off on a sort of cliff hanger xp. Anyway questions will be answered in the next chapter like the whole Korra being the Avatar, her fire bending and the voice in Asami's head makes a comeback (yay!) things happen with Hiroshi and Nazaro isn't out of the picture yet.
Oh and the next chapter title is: Wolf at The Table (if you haven't read Agusten Burroughs memoir that's where I got the title from) PLEAZE LEAVE COMMENTS it helps me to know what you guys as the readers are thinking. Don't be afraid to let me know what you want to see in this or where you want this story to head. Tnx ^.^v