"I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing"

(All Around Me - Flyleaf)

Title: Broken Pieces

November 18th, 2011

Pain.

That was the only word that I knew could bring a little description to everything that I was feeling. It was pure and raw pain. There was no way to sugar coat any of what I felt. It was basically being shot in the chest by a grenade, but trying to function like it never happened.

The doctors had concluded that what attacked my sweet and innocent baby was a wild animal; most likely a bear. Jake and the pack were going to hunt it down after the funeral today.

It had been five days since the light of my world was put out, but it could have been five years for all I knew. I had no concept of time, only pain. If I thought Edward leaving destroyed me, I was confused about what hurt really was. That was nothing compared to the pain of losing my precious baby.

I had never planned a funeral, and I never expected to plan my own child's funeral. Looking at the tiny caskets drove a knife through my heart. I didn't think that I would ever function like I used to. I was almost sure of it.

I sighed while looking into the mirror in the bathroom. I had dark circles under my eyes that looked like they had been there for years, even though it had been a few days. My eyes were puffy and bloodshot from the constant crying and lack of sleep. My throat was scratchy and raw and I couldn't control the shaking of my hands. Emily's head popped up behind me in the mirror. She was still ridden with guilt and blaming herself, after countless times that I assured her it wasn't her fault. I couldn't image what she was going through from her side, but I didn't want my best friend hating her life or herself for a tragic accident.

Emily came and wrapped her arms around me while I rested my head on her shoulder. The pain was swallowing me whole, but I told myself I was going to control myself. The least my son deserved was for his mother to be strong for him. I could feel the hot tears brimming in my eyes and with force I blinked them back.

"Ready?" Emily asked quietly while looking up at me. She stroked my hair gently. I sighed once again and nodded. There was no way I was ready.

We headed over to the church where everyone else was already waiting inside. It was another cloudy day, but it only made me feel sick. Emily kissed the top of my head and went inside to find Sam. I looked at the outside of the church while trying to hold back tears once again. This place was where I had one of the happiest moments of my life, and now it is where I am having one of the worst. Hot hands lay over my shoulders and I leaned back into the much needed embrace of Jake. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have him. Surely, I would be a puddle of tears.

"I love you." He whispered softly, his voice raspy. My heart clenched for my love sharing the grief that I was. I turned to face him and ran my hand across his smooth cheek, savoring his warmth.

"I love you too." It was the only solid ground that I had to stand on. I love Jake with all I am and that was the only real thing happening right now. He laced his long fingers with mine as we silently entered the church.

My heart leapt to my feet and my stomach lurched to my throat when I saw the little white casket sitting at the front of the church. My feet stopped instantly and my knees buckled. Jake grabbed me by the elbow and kept me standing. The church had white roses everywhere along with a large portrait of Daniel next to his casket. Jake gently squeezed my arm and we continued to our seats in the front pew.

It was all a blur. I remember being hugged by what felt like hundreds of people and receiving condolences that held no healing. Then the time came for the funeral to start. I gripped Jake's hand tightly as well as Charlie's who sat on my left. The pastor spoke, but none of his words made it to me. I couldn't take my eyes off of the casket that held my entire world inside of it. I knew I cried the entire time and went through an entire box of tissues by myself. It didn't matter. None of it matter. The only thing that mattered was lying in the small box in the front of the church.

My heart ached as everyone slowly began filing to the front of the church and placing their hand on the casket to say a prayer. When it came time for Jake and I to say the final goodbye, I came undone. Everything that I had been holding in came out as I collapsed on top of the casket.

"Baby, I love you more than all the stars and the moons. You are going to have so much fun playing with all the dinosaurs and riding the clouds. I miss you so much." I could hardly understand what I was saying, but it didn't matter once again. This is my son.

It felt like a movie and I was forced to watch. We all made our way out of the church and went around the back of it to the burial site. I felt my heart being lowered into the grave with my son. Everyone tossed a rose inside along with saying another prayer. Jake held me close so I wouldn't jump in.

It was a process that was less than a half hour long, but once everyone said their last goodbyes, it was time for the reception. My feet were glued to the dirt at the front of his burial site. I could feel Jake's presence beside me.

"Baby, it's time to head out to the clearing." He murmured softly, rubbing my arms slowly. I didn't budge.

"You go ahead. I'll be there in a minute." I whispered quietly, my voice void of any emotion other than pain. Jake sighed, knowing there was no way to force me, and kissed the top of my head before heading to the normal spot for any event here on the Rez.

I continued to stand in front of my son's resting place as the groundskeeper came over and began to pile the dirt on top of the casket. With each drop of dirt from the shovel, I felt my heart grow heavier and heavier. There was no way to manage the pain whatsoever. Finally, the groundskeeper finished and the hole was filled.

"I love you Daniel." I cried out softly while laying the last white rose on top of the mound of dirt. With all the strength I could muster up, I turned and walked away from my son.

January 28th, 2012

It has been two months since we lost our Daniel. Once more, time was deceiving and felt like 2 years. I was always told things get easier with time, but I don't see how this could get any easier to manage. I had experienced depression before when Edward left me, but this is a million times worse than that ever was. It feels like a dark cloud is surrounding me constantly. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to find any reason to smile. My heart is missing.

What brings me even more pain is knowing that Jake is suffering through the exact same thing. I had never known Jake to be depressed, but when you lose the light of your life, I guess it could happen to anyone. I wanted so badly to take away his pain, but we both understood nothing we say or do will lessen any of our pain.

About a week after the funeral, Jake and I began going to counseling. As much as I want to say it hasn't helped, I think it really has. It puts you in a different place with someone who knows nothing of the grief you are going through and you can just be in it, without trying to please others. The counselor asks really good questions to that always make me cry, but afterwards, I feel like I achieved a small battle. It also helped Jake and I to keep communicating with one another.

Jake and I were flying out to Jacksonville later today to visit Renee for a couple weeks. She needed us there just as much as I needed to be with her. She said she had some news but it could wait until we were actually there. I was thankful that the packing actually gave me something to do. I was also looking forward to being away from La Push for a while. Being home was one of the hardest things to do. Jake and I had packed away all of Daniel's stuff and put it in the attic. Neither of us could bear looking at all of Daniel's things every day. We packed away his room and kept the door shut at all times. Both of us have caught one another sitting in the lone rocking chair in the room at the craziest times, but we also understood each other's pain.

It seemed that time flew by and we were already landing in Jacksonville. I lifted my head from Jake's shoulder as the plane was descending. Our conversations were quiet, but we didn't feel the need to fill every moment with words to act like everything was perfectly okay. I did feel guilt like I was shutting him out, but it wasn't intentional.

"I'm sorry." I murmured softly into his shoulder. Jake stroked my hair softly before gently putting a finger under my chin and bringing my eyes to meet his. I could see the pain in them. It felt like it would always be evident in the deep brown eyes that captivate me. Jake's features were showing the stress and pain of everything we were going through. He definitely did not look like the average 23 year old. His soft stroke on my cheek brought me out of my analysis of his face.

"Why are you apologizing sweetheart?" Jake asked softly with concerned laced deep into his voice. I ran my fingers through his hair as I started explaining.

"I feel afraid that you sometimes think that I am shutting you out." I whispered, fear lacing into my own voice. I wanted my husband to know that I still loved him so deeply and passionately and cared for him so incredibly much, even if I didn't express it as much as I used to. I didn't realize I was crying until Jake wiped his thumb across my cheek, wiping the tears away.

"I don't ever feel like that, baby. I know you're hurting and I'm hurting, but that doesn't change the way we feel towards each other. I'm madly in love with you and no amount of hurt or pain will change that for me." He pressed his warm lips to mine gently and pulled away to rest his chin on my head while holding me close. I felt content knowing where we both stood.

Even if we had only been to Jacksonville once, the airport still felt so familiar as Jake and I made our way to where Renee was waiting for us. It was almost déjà vu to the first time we came out together. I squeezed my mom tightly, tears spilling over my eyes once more. I could hear her crying as well as we embraced tighter.

"I love you baby girl." Renee said, pulling back to give me a small smile. I tried to return the smile as best as I could as I pulled her into another hug.

"I love you too, Mom."

A Few Days Later

Being in Jacksonville was taking away some of the stress I had been holding in. It was nice to be in the warmth of the sun and to be away from the gloom of home. The familiarity of Renee's house was welcoming as well. Everything was set up the same as it was when Jake and I first came out here, which was odd. Renee was not one for keeping a room looking the same for longer than a couple weeks.

"Mom, why haven't you redecorated everything since we were last here?" I asked her while looking up from my breakfast.

"I dunno. Haven't really felt like it." Renee shrugged, looking up from her i-Pad to meet my gaze. I knew things between her and Phil were even rockier than before, but I didn't want to pry the information out of her. Speaking of Phil, he hadn't been around for the entire time we had been here so far.

"Is everything okay between you and Phil?" Jake spoke up from his plate as well. It was like he had read my mind. I squeezed his hand softly which had been in mine since we sat down to eat. Renee visibly tensed before relaxing.

"Well, I suppose I will give you the news now." Renee's voice was stricken with pain, but she also sounded relieved. "Phil and I are getting a divorce. It turns out he wasn't the person I thought he was." She sighed with an exasperated look across her face.

"Was he hurting you?" I tried to control the anger I had for that thought. Renee nodded while keeping her eyes down. "You deserve so much more than him, Mom." I murmured, getting up to hug her tightly.

"Yeah, I know. You've always been right about most things, Bella." She wept quietly. She pulled back from me and wiped the tears from her eyes. "I just don't know what to do. I can't afford to live here." I could hear the stress she had been holding in releasing itself.

"Come back to Forks with us." Jake said simply, a small smile placed on his lips. Renee and I both almost looked at him incredulously.

"Mom hates the clouds." I muttered, returning to my chair at the table. Renee ran a hand through her short hair and took another drink of her tea.

"I don't think it's a bad idea. I want to be close to my daughter. The rain and cold hasn't bothered me as much as it use to when I was there. Maybe I just realized it's the people you are with and care about that supply endless sunshine, even in the clouds." Renee was pondering out loud. She reached across the table and squeezed my hand softly.

"Are you serious?" I exclaimed excitedly. I'd love having my mom close to us. The distance turns out to be a lot harder as I have gotten older.

"You guys have to help me pack." She laughed her normal eccentric Renee laugh and it brought a genuine smile to my face. I ran over and hugged her tightly once more. Jake's laugh filled the kitchen along with Renee's.

"Of course!"

It turns out Renee had a lot more to pack than any of us had thought. Our plans had changed from flying back to renting a U-Haul truck and driving back. We had spent the last few days since the conversation in the kitchen packing up all of the stuff she has collected throughout the years. I was just happy that my mom was actually moving back. Jake had told Charlie and Billy that we were going to drive back because we had made a purchase too big for a plane. It was partially true. I knew they would both be excited to have Renee home and it brought some happiness into my heart.

I sighed in content from the bed that Jake and I had been sleeping in. My heart was still completely broken so it was hard to understand how I could feel bits and pieces of happiness over little things. I nearly felt guilty over it. A part of me knew that I shouldn't, but it was completely out of my control.

The lock on the door brought me out of my thoughts as I lifted my head from the satin pillow to look up. Jake had slipped into the room quietly and locked the door behind him. I took in the beautiful scene in front of me. The balcony doors were open and the room was filled with a salty breeze. The sunset made the room look like it was on fire and it gave Jake's russet skin a beautiful glow.

"Hey beautiful." He murmured before walking over to the bed. I slipped into his arms instantly as he got comfortable in the bed next to me. I snuggled into his chest as his large hand rubbed soothing circles into my back. I had one of my legs wrapped over his as I cuddled as close to him as possible. It was quiet for awhile till I broke the silence.

"What are you thinking?" I mumbled into his chest. Jake ran his hand along my side, sending tingles all throughout my body.

"You really want to know?" Jake asked with a sultry tone in his voice. I looked up at him from his chest and was met with his eyes burning into mine. I nodded as his gaze melted me into a puddle. "I'm thinking of how much I love you. I'm thinking about how amazing you are. I'm thinking of how lucky I am to have such a beautiful woman who loves me. Mostly, I'm thinking of how badly I want to do this." His burning lips were on mine then as his hands tangled themselves in my hair. His kiss was full of passion and heat and I returned it with all that I could. Our mouths fought for dominance, but I finally succumbed to him. It wasn't long before things really intensified and needless to say, it was a good thing he locked the door.

After another three days in Jacksonville we finished packing everything and loaded it all into the U-Haul. I figured the drive was going to be completely horrible. I hated the drive to Arizona for the honeymoon so I didn't see how driving completely across the country was going to be any better than that.

The drive was not as horrendous as it could have been. It was nearly a two day drive, but Jake and I had taken shifts driving. Renee mainly slept in the backseat of the U-Haul. We stopped quite a few times to use the restroom, buy some food, and get snacks for the rest of the trip. It wouldn't have been bad if it was a vacation road trip, but since Jake had to be back a work the day after we were scheduled to get back, we didn't have time to stop and sight see. We drove through 10 different states; Georgia, Tennessee, Kentucky, Missouri, Nebraska, South Dakota, Montana, Idaho, and all the way through Washington.

We pulled into Charlie's dirt drive and finally parked for longer than twenty minutes. The thought thrilled me. Billy was at Charlie's today to watch a basketball game so it was getting two birds with one stone. I was so thankful to get out of the U-Haul and stretch my tired and cramped body. Renee was equally as grateful. We quickly slipped into Charlie's house and were met with the sound of the game coming from the living room. We walked into the living room and stood behind the couch where the two men were watching the game.

"Hey Charlie." Renee said, trying to hold back a giggle. Charlie and Billy both nearly leapt off of the couch. Charlie looked scared and concerned till he saw us standing behind them then both he and Billy erupted into laughter.

"What are you doing here?" Charlie asked, still laughing, while coming around to hug Renee. He had a huge smile plastered on his face as did Billy. I knew Charlie never got over Renee and Billy has always loved her like a sister.

"I actually just moved here." Renee laughed her crazy Renee laugh as Charlie's face continued to light up. "Things didn't work out between Phil and I so I came to be closer to the people I care about." I could almost see Charlie doing a happy dance in his mind when Renee confessed her singleness.

"That's great to hear Renee! Where are you gonna stay?" Billy asked her with genuine happiness. It was almost like old days for these three.

"I might stay with Bella and Jake for a while till I can get on my feet." Renee shrugged sheepishly. I controlled my jaw from dropping since it was the first I had heard of it. It's not that I would be opposed to having my mom live with us for a while, but I'm not sure if it is something Jake and I are ready for yet.

"Oh, that's nonsense! Come stay here with me." Charlie interjected, taking Renee off guard. Her eyes were wide, but I swear I could see a glimmer of happiness float into them.

"Are you sure?" Renee asked with uncertainty in her voice.

"He's positive." Billy laughed his gruff laugh which brought the laughter out of all of us. My hopes of my parents getting back together were lifted once more as the deal was set.

February 23rd, 2012

It was really nice having Renee home. It had been a couple weeks and everyone was transitioning smoothly. Even with a new happiness to be found, the depression over my son still lingered in my every waking moment. It was like drowning in the ocean when I was home. I had continued with my counseling and it was a help, but there is no full proof way to take away any ounce of this pain. It has become a part of who I am.

What didn't help were the out of the blue mood changes I had been feeling. I had been out of whack for awhile it seemed. Emily was becoming concerned as well.

"Here." Emily said simply, throwing a box on the couch next to me. I rolled my eyes at her before grabbing the box to see what it was. Shock coursed through my body as I held a pregnancy test.

"Come on Em, don't be ridiculous. I'm not pregnant." My tone came across with more annoyance than I intended, but it was true. I couldn't be pregnant. Emily gave me a long eye roll and crossed her arms over her chest in her stubbornness.

"Have you and Jake had sex in the last month?" She asked impatiently, tapping her foot to display it. Emily has no filter and it's one of the many things I love about her. She also didn't care if it was super personal or not. It didn't matter much now with us since we had been best friends for so long.

"We did when we were at my mom's in the beginning of the month, but it doesn't fully support your theory. It would be too early to show many signs of it anyways." I did my best to reason with her so I wouldn't have to do this. I don't think I could handle something like this right now. Then again, I didn't think I could handle it before and Emily was there to speak sense into me.

"Bella, indulge me, please." Emily used the best puppy dog eyes that she could muster. I shook my head no and looked away. I felt her gaze burning into me and I made the wrong decision to look up. The glare she shot me broke down my defense. I huffed and made sure to be dramatic about getting off of the couch in her living room.

"Fine, but it's just a waste of time." I muttered while I walked past her on the way to their bathroom. I tried to control my grumbling as I followed the directions for the test. I handed it to her after I was finished. "Knock yourself out when it comes up."

"I'm definitely feeling good about this. We should have made a bet." Emily laughed at my irritable state and sat down at the kitchen counter. I was surprised our little bit of bickering hadn't stirred Sam Jr who was asleep peacefully in his play pen. I couldn't believe that he was going to be a year old in just a few short months.

"You'd lose." I argued and sat across from her at the counter. Emily's delicate features were truly beautiful as she stared at the little stick in her hands. It seemed like it was forever before she finally spoke again.

"Looks like you lost." She grinned as she passed the stick to me. My eyes nearly came out of my head as I saw the little pink plus sign clearly on the test. I felt like my entire world was spinning and I wanted so badly to succumb to the darkness. What in the world am I supposed to do now?

I just lost my son a few months ago and now I'm going to be bringing another baby into the world. Is this something Jake and I could handle? Is this something he would want? It didn't matter if he didn't want this because there was no way I'd do anything to harm this little baby, but I needed to know. The questions ran at a million miles per hour throughout at my head as the news settled into me.

I had to talk to Jake. Immediately. I looked at the clock on the wall and it was a blessing that he would be on his lunch hour. My fingers barely functioned as I dialed his number on my cell phone and prayed for him to answer on the first ring.

"Hey babe." Jake's beautiful voice drifted over the phone.

"I'm pregnant." I murmured, my voice shaking with the onslaught of anxiety that overcame me. Emily rubbed my back soothingly and I gave her a small smile of appreciation. I could hear coughing over the phone and it sounded like he had spit his drink out.

"What?" It was the simplest response ever, but in the one word, it conveyed everything that I was feeling. After a minute of silence, Jake spoke again. "Are you okay?" He asked with concern filling his voice.

"I don't know. Jake, I need to know if this is something you want. I need to know if you think we can do this." I could hardly contain the panic in my voice as I felt hot tears rolling down my face.

"Of course I want this, sweetheart. Together, I think we will be able to handle it. I know you're freaking out right now and I want you to take a deep breath. Everything is going to be okay. We can do this. We'll talk more about it when I get home, okay?" Jake's calm voice instantly soothed my fears and a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't realize how much easier it became to breathe after he answered.

"Okay. I'm sorry to overwhelm you at work, but I needed to know." I could hear him laugh softly on the phone.

"I love you, my sweet Bella." I could hear the love he was expressing burning in his voice.

"I love you too."

I didn't know how ready I was for this, but I know that with the love of my life by my side, we could accomplish this together. I held onto that hope with all I had. The future was bound to be something else entirely. We could do it. We'll make it together.

Hello my beautiful readers! I hope you are enjoying the story so far! Bella's pregnant again! I'm not going to go through the pregnancy like I did in the previous chapters when she had Daniel. I know it can be pretty boring so I'll try to spare everyone the torture. This is a key point in my plot so you know! :)

I would really appreciate some reviews! I like seeing what people have to say!

Looking forward: LOL! Be ready!

In other news, I made a Twitter for my Fanfiction account. If you'd like to follow me on there, it's a quick way to reach me and get updates. So follow me GoldVampEyes

Happy Reading!

Love,

GVE