"I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind.
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time.
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams"
Here Without You - 3 Doors Down
Title: Beginning to End
February 2012 to November 2012
It was still such a hard concept to wrap my mind around. I couldn't believe that I was really pregnant again. The thought of having a little baby in my stomach grow and develop brought a new happiness to me that I felt guilty for. I had just lost my son, but the pain and the guilt still couldn't take away the joy of this new blessing. I still had so many worries and fears that it nearly made me sick. My mind was constantly going with the million thoughts I had.
"Come on Bella." Seth whined while pulling gently on my arm. I brought myself out of my thoughts and looked at him. He had the passenger door open and was pulling my arm so I would get out. I poked my tongue out at him and got out of the car. We were going to my OB appointment. Jake had to work today and wasn't able to get it off and Emily had her hands full with a sick Sam Jr. I was grateful for Seth offering to go with me.
"I'm going. I'm going." I muttered playfully as we made our way into the office. I got the clipboard from the receptionist and began to fill out the new paperwork. Seth took a seat next to me. "Thank you for coming with me." I told him with a smile. Seth grinned in return.
"Sure sure. I don't mind. This is kinda…" He stopped midsentence which caused me to look up at him. When I looked at him, he wasn't looking back at me. I thought maybe he got weirded out by one of the questions, but nope. He was staring intently at a young woman across the waiting room. She was with a very pregnant woman. Seth's eyes were dilated and I could hear his breathing increase.
"Seth, are you okay?" I asked softly, placing my hand on his burning arm. He seemed to snap out of his daze and turned to look at me. He had an infatuated expression written across his face with a smile to match. "Did you just…"
"I think so." Seth smiled happily. I couldn't believe I had just witnessed him imprint. The process was so weird seeing it from an outsider's perspective. What made it even more weird was it happened to a girl he had never seen before. "I'm going to go talk to her. You okay?" He asked while standing up. I nodded and kicked him softly in the butt as he passed. He threw me his famous Seth grin before approaching the woman. I shook my head softly and laughed; crazy wolves.
"Dr. Jackson is ready for you in Room 3, Bella." The receptionist called and I gave her a small smile as I passed through the door. I headed directly to Room 3 where Dr. Jackson was already waiting. She hugged me gently as I came into the room.
"It's good to see you Bella." She said with a smile. I returned it. She had heard what happened to Daniel, but I was thankful she didn't bring it up. She quickly got to work on the different things we were going to do today. It felt odd seeing as I went through it once before. It still seemed foreign to me that this is my life once again. She finished up and sat in her rolling stool across from me.
"Everything seem okay?" I asked nervously. Dr. Jackson gave me a warm smile with a nod.
"From what I can tell, since you're still pretty early on, is that you'll be due in late November. All your tests look good and you are in pretty good health, considering." She explained in a caring tone. I smiled gratefully at her once more before scheduling my next appointment. It was a relief to hear that things looked good. I think I'm ready for this.
October 2012 (8 Months Pregnant)
I sighed in content from the comfort of Charlie's couch. When I was younger, I thought it was the tackiest couch ever with its worn spots and a few pizza stains, but it had really grown on me. A lot of memories were made on this couch. This is the spot where Jake had told me he imprinted on me, where I sat alone at night grieving the loss of my son, where I had the longest heartfelt conversation with my dad, and so much more.
"You ready to go?" Leah's question brought me out of my musing. I glanced up at the tall woman and met her tender eyes. Ever since the incident with Daniel, Leah's heart had become a puddle of mush around me. She didn't treat me any different, but I could see it in her eyes.
"I hope I can get up." I laughed and grabbed her fiery hand to get off the couch. "Why I procrastinated shopping till this long is a mystery to me." Leah chuckled at my comment and walked with me down the steps outside. We were heading to Port Angeles to get some last minute baby items. It probably took me so long because I refused to go into Daniel's old room. It was the only thing I had left of him, but being 8 months pregnant left me no choice but to change it into a nursery.
"At least you guys can grab neutral stuff since you're waiting to find out the gender." Leah said with a smile as she hopped in the driver's side. I nodded in agreement and rested my hands on my swollen belly. "I hope you have a girl. Heather will need someone to play with." Paul and Rachel had their second daughter this past June.
"We'll see."
Our conversation was mainly quiet besides the little chatter about baby things. It was hard not to be excited for this new baby, but a part of me felt incredibly guilty still. I felt suffocated with a knife to my throat at all times. There is a constant war going on inside between my emotions and thoughts. Sometimes, I wish they'd all shut up.
I was thankful to get to Port Angeles and absorb myself into picking out baby items. Leah always picked the cutest outfits and found the best prices in this overpriced store. I was thankful to have her. It wasn't long before my swollen feet were protesting all the walking I had done today. We found a table at the food court and my body heaved a sigh of relief.
"Damn." I muttered, putting my feet on Leah's lap. The heat she generated helped to soothe the throbbing. She rolled her eyes.
"Pregnant women are so dramatic." She teased playfully.
"Just wait. You'll find out what it's like one day." I growled with light humor. Leah smiled but it didn't reach her eyes.
"Sure, maybe." She shrugged with a hint of disappointment in her voice. I knew imprinting was something she was waiting for and it killed her that it didn't happen sooner.
"Why don't you go out on a date?" I questioned, my enthusiasm peaking. Leah sighed and ran a hand through her long raven black hair.
"I don't want to get emotionally invested in someone and want to pursue a future with them if they aren't my imprint. You don't understand how that can destroy a person." She explained with sadness rooted into her voice. Sam and Emily immediately came to my mind, even though Sam unknowingly put Leah in that position. I still got chills thinking about the entire situation and how much pain is involved for everyone.
"I never thought about it that way." I admitted. I tried to hide my spinning wheels for a plot, but thankfully my stomach growling did it for me.
"I need to feed you or Jake is gonna kill me." Leah laughed. We both began looking around the food court. I spotted a Subway and figured it was my best bet. By the time I decided what I wanted and looked back Leah, I noticed she was in another world. I followed her strong gaze to a man standing in line at Panda Express. He was tall and handsome, but nobody that would stick out in a crowd. What would make Leah stare at him like that? I took in the look of her wide and dilated eyes before coming to the conclusion. What the hell was it with the Clearwater siblings finding their imprints around me?
"Are you just going to stare or are you going to go talk to him?" Leah snapped back to earth and glared at me before strolling over to the mystery man with confidence I hadn't seen in years.
I should start an imprint finding business.
November 13th, 2012 (9 Months Pregnant)
It seemed like things were slowly beginning to fall into place around here. Leah and Jordan hit it off with so much chemistry that Bill Nye's head would spin. I didn't expect anything less. Imprints are made for one another. The entire pack was extremely happy for Leah and Jordan, especially Sam and Emily. Even though apologies had been made and forgiveness had been dealt out years ago, this was the icing on the cake. Leah was finally free.
Jake and I continued to go to counseling and I think we were both seeing the results we were hoping for from the beginning. It really kept us from losing communication during the past year of grief. I still couldn't believe it had been an entire year since my precious baby boy took his last breath. Billy had planned a special candlelight lantern gathering tonight. In all honestly, I was doing my best not to think about it, but I was failing miserably. I learned from counseling to never deny yourself what you are feeling, but today it would be too much to handle. I already spent more time crying than anything else today. I didn't want to get out of bed and Jacob didn't judge me for that. Instead, he cuddled me close as we mourned together.
I stretched as best as I could with my bulging belly. I didn't realize I had fallen asleep. I looked over my shoulder and met Jacob's small smile. "Hey beautiful." He murmured softly, brushing a loose strand of hair behind my ear.
"Hi." My voice cracked from being hoarse. He handed me the water bottle from the night stand and I took it gratefully.
"How are you feelin?" Jake asked with concern laced in his voice. I sighed and gave him a pathetic shrug. "How's the baby?" He placed one of his burning hands on my bulge. I smiled softly but it quickly turned into a frown. The baby always moves when Jake puts his hand on my belly, but I didn't feel anything this time. "What's wrong?"
"He didn't move and he usually does when you put your hand on my belly." I explained while feeling with my own hands.
"I wouldn't worry, Bells. He could be sleeping." Jake offered calmly. He could see the frantic look come to my eyes before I felt it myself.
"It's not just that, Jake." I started off in frenzy. "I haven't felt him move all day." My chest began to tighten as my breath started coming out short. Jake quickly sat up and helped me to my feet. He placed his hands on my shoulders and squeezed firmly.
"We'll go see Dr. Jackson right now." Jake promised while swooping me up into his arms and rushing out to the car. "Sweetheart, you need to breathe." Jake's voice was stern with fear and concern as he buckled me in. With my best attempt, I took a deep breath. I repeated the process over and over while we drove to the doctor's office. Jake helped me out of the car and into the office. The receptionist looked surprised to see us.
"Bella…Jake, I didn't know you had an appointment today?" She said, glancing down at her calendar.
"We don't, but Bella needs to see Dr. Jackson immediately." Jacob explained with a collected calmness.
"Let me go see if she's finished with her other appointment." The woman said sweetly as she went to go find my doctor. We stood at the front desk waiting for what felt like forever even though it was just a couple of minutes. Dr. Jackson emerged from behind the door and motioned for us to follow her. She led us to one of the exam rooms. Jake helped me up onto the table and stood next to me. Dr. Jackson sat in the rolling doctor's chair and pulled out our file before looking at us.
"What's going on Bella?" She asked with apprehension. She could see the crazed look written across my face.
"I haven't felt the baby move at all today." I explained. Saying it out loud felt embarrassing. Could I be overreacting? Dr. Jackson nodded and pulled the ultrasound machine over. She began getting the machine ready as I positioned myself.
"When was the last time you felt the baby?" She inquired while pouring the cool liquid across my stomach.
"Last night before going to bed." I murmured, my eyes glued to the screen. As soon as I heard the little pitter patters of his heartbeat I would be okay. I would know this was just an overreaction and I would soon have my little baby in my arms. My grip on Jake's hand tightened as my anxiety continued to build.
"Okay, I'm sure everything is fine, but let's check it out to make sure. We don't need Mama all stressed out." Dr. Jackson spoke calmly while putting the probe to my belly. She rolled it around and soon my baby appeared on the screen. The image looked exactly as it had the week before. A frown came across Dr. Jackson's face as she continued to roll the probe around my stomach. The silence in the room was deafening.
"Is the machine broken? Why can't we hear the heartbeat?" Jake asked with his eyes focused on the image.
"Let me go get Dr. Robbins to take a look." She said quickly, hiding her face from us as she exited the room. I wasn't foolish. I knew the tension in the room had changed. Something wasn't right. Dr. Jackson came back in followed by Dr. Robbins, an older doctor in his 60's. He was always very friendly and very professional.
"Hi Bella. I'm going to take a look." He said before pressing the probe to my stomach. He went through the same motions as Dr. Jackson did. He turned the machine off and looked at us. I could see tears in his eyes and in that moment my worst fear was confirmed.
"I'm so sorry, Jacob and Bella. I don't know how to tell you this, but your baby has passed away." Dr. Jackson breathed softly with tears falling down her cheeks.
"Check again. It has to be the machine!" Jake yelled while pointing at the machine. He began frantically pacing in the small space. "It has to be a mistake."
"I'm incredibly sorry. We can't find a heartbeat." Dr. Robbins responded sadly.
My entire world came crashing down in that moment. Tears freely escaped my eyes as screams escaped my mouth. I thrashed on the exam table in the rawest emotion. Jake tried holding me, but I continued. I couldn't breathe. It felt like my heart had died but I was still being forced to keep it pumping. How could this happen? I did everything that I was supposed to do. I took all my prenatal vitamins, went to all my appointments, and took care of myself. Why do I deserve this punishment? Two children that were taken from me way to soon. He was just moving last night. My thoughts became incoherent as I failed at processing this information. Why? Why did this happen?
"What comes next?" Jake questioned through his constricted throat. Tears were streaming down his cheeks as my death grip increased on his hand. I stopped thrashing around and leaned into his embrace. Right now, he was the only thing keeping me grounded.
"Since Bella is already full term, we will have to induce labor and deliver the baby at the hospital. Afterwards, there are several organizations and counselors set up to help you through this. There is a photographer that can capture your moments with your child. Jacob, I am going to advise that you spend as much time with the baby once it's born. It's important in the healing process." Dr. Jackson explained solemnly.
"We can call the hospital and have them ready now if you would like Bella. Or you could wait a few days. There is no extreme rush." Dr. Robbins suggested gently.
"No…" I croaked out hoarsely. "I'd rather do it sooner than later." The thought of carrying my baby, but not having a life inside of me was too much to bear.
"Okay, we will get things set up for you. If there is any family you would like to be there, I would notify them." Dr. Jackson recommended and gave my hand a gentle squeeze before leaving the room.
"Call Sam and Emily please." I cried to Jake. I couldn't form sentences about what had happened. He kissed my forehead before pulling out his phone.
"Hey Sam…" Jake murmured in a gravelly voice. "The baby's gone. Can you guys meet us at the hospital? Can you have Emily tell my dad and Charlie and have them meet us there too?" Jake was trying his best to hold back tears, but it was useless as all his emotions spilled over. I don't think my tears will ever stop. Jake was on the phone for another minute before coming back to my side. We didn't need to exchange words to understand the grief each other was feeling. This was going to be one painful journey.
It wasn't long before Dr. Jackson got everything set up at the hospital and we were checking in. The room we were put in was the furthest away in the labor and delivery area. We were secluded in the farthest corner, but it didn't stop my ears from hearing newborns crying. I could feel my heart shredding into pieces with each cry.
Everything felt like a blur as I changed into a gown and tons of people came in and out. There were grief counselors and different organizations getting information from mostly Jacob about the baby and how to proceed. It was set up to have a photographer come in during the delivery to capture the moments we spend with our baby. They would make imprints of his hands and feet and put a little lock of hair in a keepsake book. I just wanted this nightmare to be over, but it only became more real when our family showed up.
"Oh sweetie." Charlie cried into my hair as he held me in a tight embrace. Jacob was in the same position with his father. Renee wrapped her arms around me and held on tightly.
"I'm so sorry." I blubbered in my hysteria. Renee gave me a confused look but squeezed me tighter.
"You didn't do anything wrong, Bells. This isn't your fault." She murmured into my ear before placing a kiss on my forehead. It surely felt like my fault. I could have done something. I couldn't pretend to be strong for anyone. My will and hope was crushed into little pieces of dust. I felt like I had nothing left.
"Bella!" Emily sobbed as she came rushing into the room and directly to my side. She held me while I cried into her shoulder for a long time. There were no words or promises that could make this any better. It was like trying to put a band-aid on a gunshot wound. She didn't let go as Dr. Jackson came in to administer the Pitocin to start the labor.
Emily and my mom decided to stay with Jake and I through the labor. The rest of the pack had made their way to the waiting room to meet our baby and grieve for him. The counselor had said something about it being important for family to meet the baby to mourn as well. Honestly, I couldn't retain any of the information. I knew this was going to shatter me.
After 11 hellish hours, I held my little girl that would never take her first breath. I had been thinking she was a boy the entire time, but when they brought her back, Jake and I cried even harder. She would never get her first glimpse at the world. She would never say her first words. She would never take her first steps. She would never go to kindergarten. She would never go to her first school dance. She would never have skinned knees. She would never grow up and fall in love. She would never go to college. She would never have dreams or goals. She would never call me her mother or say I love you.
The world turned black in a total eclipse of the sun. How could such an innocent little girl be taken so early from this world? The question of why would plague me forever.
Jake and I made as many memories as we could with our little Aiyana Black. Aiyana means endless beauty and that is what she will forever be. We dressed her in a sweet Winnie the Pooh onesie and sang her lullabies. The photographer captured it all, even when the family came in to say hello and goodbye to their granddaughter, goddaughter, niece, friend, and loved one.
We held our little girl for hours and finally let the hospital take her. I would be released the next day and the funeral would be in three days. Emily had arranged everything with one of the workers from the organization. We would bury her on the rez and hold a remembrance bonfire that night. None of it mattered. My little girl wouldn't be coming home with me.
I wasn't talking and I think that is what scared Jake the most. I couldn't find my voice or even form words to describe anything of how I felt. My grief was consuming my entire being and it only worsened when we got home. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to sleep. I didn't want to exist. Jake held me for hours and hours and wouldn't let go. He barely left me alone and when he did, someone else was here in his place.
I knew he was grieving just as much as I would, but I couldn't escape the fog of my own pain to help him with his. He is so much stronger than I am. I felt like a horrible wife, but I knew I couldn't do anything about it. I kept telling myself that if I can make it through the funeral, things would be okay.
I was wrong.
The day of the funeral came faster that I was ready for. I pulled myself out of bed and put on clothes outside of pajamas. I brushed my hair and put on the best mask that I could. I didn't dare to dabble with makeup because I knew it would come right off. The funeral service itself passed in a blur. I couldn't take my eyes off of the little white coffin at the front of the church. It was a nightmare that took me right back to losing Daniel. In 25 short years, I had lost two children. How could this be reality?
The rest of the day passed with condolences coming from every side and every person. I never knew what to respond with so I was thankful Jake did most of the talking. I couldn't remember my last conversation with him outside of little exchanges. Guilt was eating at me for a list of things that I was losing track of.
The sun soon faded out of the sky and the fire came alive in our little spot on the beach. I watched as the embers danced up to the sky to fizzle out with the stars. Jacob had his arm wrapped protectively around me. It was like he was trying to block out anything that could possibly harm me, but unfortunately, he couldn't do it internally. Billy opened with a beautiful prayer before speaking.
"I give you this one thought to keep
I am with you still - I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the sweet uplifting rush,
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft starts that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone -
I am with you still in each new dawn." (Traditional Native American Prayer)
"Aiyana was taken from this world before she had a chance to live. She was a precious little girl who deserved more than she received. We know she is with our Father in Heaven and watching her loved ones with a sparkle in her eyes. We lift up Bella and Jacob during this tragic time. We ask for healing that is beyond the measures of this world. We pray that they do not lose sight of one another during this time and hold onto to the things they know to be true." Billy spoke powerfully through his tears as our family blessed us with burning sage. There wasn't a dry eye all around. I felt warmness in my heart knowing I had so many people here for me, but there were still shadows of pain casting over the light.
Maybe one day I will be able to breathe without a weight on my chest. Maybe one day I can think about my precious little girl and not melt into a puddle of tears. Maybe one day I will stop getting the short end of the stick. Who knows when one day will be.
Hello everyone!
First and foremost, I want to say I am so incredibly sorry for taking so long to update this story. I am so passionate about where it is going to go, but getting it there can be a process.
I also want to apologize if this chapter seems rushed. It is not really a topic I enjoy writing about and wanted to get it over with. I know the story overall has been moving slowly and I hope to pick up the pace here within the next chapter or two!
I do not hate Bella and do not want to keep making bad things happen to her, but there is still a few more surprises left in store for our girl. This is important for her development in future chapters.
Please leave a review and let me know what you thought!
Please do not give up hope on this story!
Love, GVE