Chapter 11

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real

-Johnny Cash

The sun was beginning to set and the last bit of light was peeking over the mountains, sending rays of warm yellow light through the blinds of Ezra's apartment. The temperature had dropped significantly as the Suns warmth slipped away with it beyond the horizon. The only noise to be heard was the slow tick of the wall clock and the faint sound of traffic from the street below. Aria sat on the couch, her knees brought up to her chest and a thick blanket draped over her shoulders. She shivered slightly, but not because of the chill that was settling into the small room. She looked down to the bandage on her arm and sighed heavily. She knew it would be something she would have to explain to Ezra when he returned from picking up dinner, but that was a bridge she would cross when she came to it.

The events that had unfolded that day at school had spiralled wildly out of her control and it terrified her. She thought when she was away from her father that she could command a situation; that she was in control. But after the days catastrophe, Aria had come to the startling realisation that she no longer held any control over her life anymore, and that terrified her more than her fathers abusive hand. Aria didn't know it, but fainting in Ezra's classroom had set off a chain reaction that would bring her to her knees.

The memory of waking up in the nurses office sent waves of emotion ripping through her and Aria would never be able to forget the look on Ezra's face when she finally awoke. His face was pale and looked sickly and his eyes were overflowing with concern. She could see he had chewed his nails back to the skin; something he only did when he was anxious. Somehow his presence had calmed her when she had awoken in a panic; one minute she was in class and the next she was lying in the nurses office with no memory of what had happened in between. Aria had almost thrown up all over Ezra when he had explained that the nurse believed the fainting was due to the lack of food. She had scrambled to find an explanation, but Ezra had sensed her discomfort and quickly changed the subject.

Ezra had insisted she stay at his place once he found out that she would be home alone. She had assured him that she would would be perfectly fine and had a load of study she had to do anyway. But his persistence wore her down, and before she knew it she was walking into his apartment with a bag of her clothes in hand. Ezra hadn't asked her about the scars or why she had fainted and was thankful that he hadn't pushed the issue, but she knew that sooner or later he would ask. She played out the conversation in her head; what she would say and what she wouldn't. In a perfect world, the whole thing would blow over and he would forget he had seen anything. But Aria knew better and she had no idea how she was going to keep all her secrets buried.

As she looked around the familiar room, the sudden shrill ring of the telephone broke through the silence, causing Aria to jump. Out of habit, she picked up Ezra's phone and spoke a quiet 'hello' into the receiver. She thought it odd when she received no reply, but simply shrugged and hung up before returning to her spot on the couch. As she did, she heard the door open as Ezra walked in and dumped the takeaway bags on the table before sitting down next to Aria on the couch.

"Feeling any better?" He asked. She shrugged her shoulders, not sure if she could trust herself to answer his question.

"Well I hope your hungry because I got a vegetable stir fry and vegan spring rolls." He smiled proudly at her as he began to serve the food onto plates. Aria felt her stomach flip as the smell hit her nose. Ezra had picked up dinner from her favourite take-out place and normally she would have unhinged her jaw and swallowed the plate whole, but her mind was too preoccupied to realise that she was hungry. When she didn't move from the couch, Ezra dropped his chop sticks and sat back down next to Aria.

"Hey, are you okay?" He asked in concern. His thumb brushed her cheek softly, something that always seemed to make Aria feel better, but fear gripped her too hard to be able to enjoy his touch. Ezra's head dipped to try and get her to look at him, but her eyes remained downcast.

"There used to be a time when you could tell me anything." He said sadly. She looked at him then, and something began to bubble inside her.

"Well things change." She hadn't meant for the words to come out so harsh, but maybe it was what he needed; he clearly had some sort of vision of the two of them living happily ever after and she knew that was not their happy ending.

"Clearly." He quipped and Aria sighed in frustration.

"Ezra, what do you want from me?" She rubbed her eyes in a feeble attempt to ease the tension behind them.

"I want you to talk to me." His voice was confident but pleading, his eyes searched for hers hoping to catch a glimpse of what she was feeling.

"Things are different now, we can't just go back to what we were." As Aria said the words out loud she felt a cold, lonely feeling grip her heart.

"What do you mean?"

She hesitated for a moment, deciding her words.

"Well, First Jackie , and then there was my dad and now Maggie and Malcolm. There is always something coming between us. It's like the universe trying to tell us it's not meant to be."

Most people would have given up at the first obstacle, but Arias and Ezra's relationship was much deeper then either of them had expected and Aria had never had a relationship like this before. But just like metal, when you twist and bend it, it eventually breaks from fatigue.

"Is that why you do it?" His words seemed to echo through her mind, hitting every wall and leaving deep marks. His eyes flicked down to her arms, where the bandage was still visible. It took her a moment before she realised what he was referring to, but when it finally clicked, she felt her stomach drop to her feet and swell of guilt that threatened to consume her.

"Oh Ezra, no!" She scooted closer to him and placed her hand tentatively on his arm, stoking lightly.

"Then why?" He choked out "If it's not me then what?"

Aria grabbed his head in her hands and looked into his eyes unblinking. "There is nothing you could do to ever hurt me." Her voice is barely a whisper and he looked back down to her, his eyes brimming with tears.

"Help me to understand." His voice chocked with emotion.

"Some people drink, some people have one night stands." She said flippantly as his hand slowly traced up her arm and came to rest on the bandage,

"Ezra don't." She whispered, brushing him away.

"Then tell me why, why you feel the need to take away what ever pain you're feeling. Why you would do something so-" His voice faltered and he coughed to clear his throat, but Aria already knew what he was going to say.

"I get it okay! It's a totally stupid thing to do, so 'High School', but I'm not asking you to fix me." He cringed at her words and a deep silence fell between them.

"This was a mistake." Aria finally spoke. "I shouldn't have come here." But before she could leave, Ezra pulled her back down to him and held her in front of him. He looked at her with such longing in his eyes that it ripped Aria apart inside. He was everything she had ever wanted but her heart ached so much to know that he could never be hers. They both lived in a shared state of agony, but she couldn't ask him to be someone and something he's not. Despite what they felt for each other, she knew that they could never happen, it was the only way she could protect him.

Aria tried to stand again, but Ezra stopped her by whispering her name and the yearning in his voice was Impossible to ignore. She had to remind her self not to give in to him. Her resolve however, faltered as he moved closer to her.
Arias breath caught in her throat as Ezra skimmed his fingers across her face and her eyes fluttered shut, unable to look at him. He whispered her name again sending tingles down spine, and she felt her knees go weak as his hand slipped behind her neck, pulling her towards him. His scent filled her nose and he closed the remaining gap between them, placing a soft kiss on her lips. She felt his sharp intake of breath as he depended the kiss, his hands now tangled in her chocolate locks. He moved with urgency; a deep longing fuelling his desire. He pulled the blanket from her shoulders and dropped it to the floor. Aria felt the chill of air hit her pale skin, but the heat returned as Ezra pulled her to him and gently lowered her back, his mouth never leaving hers.

Aria didn't push him away, she needed this too.

Sorry guys, had to leave it there- I'm terrible with sex scenes. Hah. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I was so overwhelmed with all the reviews I received from the last one, thank you all so much!

Snellee