A/N: Hey all! Thank you for your continued support, and I thought I'd take a few seconds to respond to some of the wonderful reviews I received from my awesome reviewers. First, to LadyGinoza: I'm so glad you like the pacing of the story, but there's still something yet to come before Uryuu can truly walk the path of recovery. After all, this is a countdown. ~
Gleca: My apologies for bringing you to tears, but I'm afraid the countdown isn't quite finished yet. Everything's building into that final moment where... well. You'll see. ~ Unfortunately, with the plot I have built, I don't foresee Ryuuken regaining his powers any time soon, if at all. It's an interesting theory I've taken use of, explained in an article on Bleach Asylum. If you google "Bleach asylum Uryuu's powers" the article should be the first one to pop up; give it a read over sometime. Right or wrong, it's a very interesting take on things.
Isame Kuroda: I'm hoping to avoid the 'Useless Therapist' trope, since Keto is the first named npc that I've thrust into a fanfiction that actually plays a bigger role than just a background or back story character. Still, I don't think we're going to see anything from his point of view; it's not needed, and I would rather stay with the main characters, especially this close to the end. As for what caused Ryuuken to lose his power, I would give you the same advice I gave Gleca; take a look at the article I stole the idea from. Again, right or wrong, I thought the idea was perfect for this story.
Baerbelhaddrell: I have to say, your reviews are my life blood. That you go into so much detail in your reviews, and that you're not afraid to tell me when something seems off or that you didn't particularly enjoy a chapter: I love it! I believe it helps me as a writer, and I thank you so much for doing so. That aside, one thing I would like to explain is that for Ryuuken to lose his Quincy powers is much like you or I losing our ability to hear. We may not always rely on our hearing, but it's always been there since birth. It's something we've lived with, and come to expect to always have. If you suddenly one day lost your hearing, whether you wanted it or not, it would leave you feeling awkward, empty, and less than whole, would it not? The same theory is applied here. He will rebound, quite quickly, as shown in this chapter, but that is the perspective I took. I hope that might explain last chapter a little more.
Thank you all again, and without any more delay, the much awaited, Chapter 34!
~.X.~ ~.X.~ ~.X.~ (Uryuu's POV)
" - he's not real, and he can't actually hurt you any more than he already has. You're safe, Uryuu. And you're in good hands with your father."
He wasn't sure if he wanted to cry, scream, or run out of the room like hell itself was on his heels, but he just sat there in that chair, staring at Keto as he finally picked back up the pen and paper, scratched a short note down, and lifted himself out of his own chair. Uryuu did nothing but watch Keto silently as he battled his violent barrage of thoughts, each one building up his hope and tearing down his walls, clawing at his heart and messing with his head. Was it over? Was that all there was? Did he succeed in looking like a normal person?
Or did he fail?
Was he to be labeled insane? Was he to be carted off to a mad house and drugged up until he wasn't himself any longer? Was he going to be locked away for Ichigo's ease of access? Would death be the only escape he couldn't have?
"Thank you," Keto's voice made Uryuu jump, snapping him back into the moment as his frantic gaze sought out Keto's own, "For your time, and the effort it must have taken to talk to me."
... it had taken a lot of effort, hadn't it? He hadn't realized before, but knowing the session was over almost made every nerve in his body relax in spite of his earlier thoughts.
"I want to tell you now, Uryuu, that you're perfectly normal. Maybe not as mentally stable as you could be,"
Oh god.
"But that's to be expected of someone who's gone though what you've had to deal with."
What?
Keto flipped his notepad over and ripped out a page before speaking again, and as he was speaking, Uryuu watched the man come to stand in front of him, handing him that piece of paper that he didn't even bother to look at, so entranced was he by the elder's words.
"You're having doubts about yourself, your life, and the people around you, and that's perfectly normal. You've shown a lot of signs of hypertension, and stressful situations seem to be what kicks this off, along with the paranoia that follows. My best suggestion is to relax. Your father wants to help you, and he's doing his best to find the right way. He may make poor decisions at times,"
Wait, wasn't this guy his father's colleague?
"However, please be patient with him. Just as I ask you to be patient with yourself. Take every day one step at a time, and remember to breathe. When something happens, remember that only you are in control of yourself, and it's obvious you have a lot of self control. You kept composure through our entire talk, which is more than I can say about others who've been in your situation."
Others... who've been raped by Ichigo? Suddenly, Uryuu found Keto hard to believe, even though he wanted desperately to accept the words spoken to him.
"On the sheet of paper I gave you are a few helpful tips to controlling your anxiety when problems arise. Take a look over them, and try a few. They might not work right away, but give yourself time; most of all, Uryuu?"
Uryuu's gaze snapped back up to Keto's, unaware he'd glanced away in the first place, only to see a caring and steady gaze locked upon him. The man paused, and through all the emotions and thoughts swirling within him, he heard the words with clarity and they felt like they knocked the breath from his lungs.
"Stop being so hard on yourself. Everybody makes mistakes, and you're no exception. Neither is Ryuuken."
He barely registered when Keto gathered his things, or when he said goodbye. He vaguely remembered something about Keto needing to speak with his father, and that he was asked to stay here until Ryuuken came to get him. He did, however, remember the door closing gently, but with a finality that brought Uryuu fully under the control of his whirling thoughts. What exactly did he mean by those final statements? That everybody makes mistakes...? Had he made mistakes?
Instantly his entire life was brought into question, and instantly those questions were answered. He'd made the mistake of trusting Rukia. He'd made the mistake of trusting Ichigo; of trusting the Shinigami. He'd made the mistake of getting locked in the library. He'd made the mistake of keeping his window open all the time. He'd made the mistake of walking home too late at night on a not-so-well-lit road. Those were his mistakes... right?
Yet... he'd also made the mistake of not being strong enough. He'd made the mistake of distancing himself from his father. But why had he done so? The answer seemed so hard to recall, and against his sudden feeling of hopelessness at his lack of memory from then, he forced himself to glance down at the sheet of paper Keto had handed him.
'Breathe.'
That was the first thing written on the paper, and the strangled laugh that slipped past his lips only made Uryuu's eyes mist up. Was the man stupid? Maybe he really didn't have anything to worry about after all.
Still, he found himself closing his eyes, trying to focus on the hitched and uneven breaths he was taking, automatically falling back into the breathing exercise Soken had taught him for training. As stupid as it sounded, anything was worth a try at this point. So sitting alone in the middle of Keto's office, he counted silently to himself; eight counts in, four counts out.
Eight counts in, four counts out.
When he finally reopened his eyes a few moments later, his vision was no longer blurred by watery edges, and he had to admit, he did feel slightly calmer than he had before. Deciding he should give the man more credit than he was, he returned his gaze to the paper, reading the next line.
'Focus on something else,'
Well, he was focusing on the list, wasn't he?
'but don't be afraid to face your fears.'
He almost did it again; he almost let that strangled, hopeless laugh escape, but he clamped his lips shut before it did, flinching at the muffled whine he produced instead. Lost in his thoughts, unaware of how to even begin with this step, Uryuu felt the hairs on the back of his neck begin to rise. Frustratedly, he clamped a hand over them, scratching at his neck for a second before his gaze lifted from the paper. It was in that moment he realized something felt... off. Wrong. Like there was something very important he was forgetting.
It was only when the shadows in the room began to twist and shift that he realized he was alone in the room. He heard the sharp crinkle of paper as his hands grew tighter around it, and the sound startled him enough to remember the first line.
'Breathe.'
Despite what it said, he could feel his breath catching in his throat as he struggled to count, his eyes fearfully locked upon the twisting shadows. He felt... weighted. Rooted to the spot by some unknown, outside force that was calling out to him; taunting him for not remembering something important.
" - he's not real, and he can't actually hurt you any more than he already has. You're safe, Uryuu."
He's not real. Uryuu felt himself latching onto that very phrase even as the paper slipped from his grasp, his hands grabbing at his hair as he shut his eyes, curling up in the chair. If he couldn't see the shadow Ichigos, then they wouldn't hurt him, right? Because they weren't real.
Breathe. Eight counts in, four counts out. Breathe.
Slowly, Uryuu felt his breathing finally begin to even out into a somewhat normal pattern, and with a triumphant feeling, he realized he hadn't felt the slimy texture of the shadow hands on his body this entire time. Even though the hairs on the back of his neck were still irritatingly upright, he cracked one of his eyes open to find the shadows had pulled back into their original forms, and were no longer moving. He had done it...!
Then he heard the click of the door. At first, his heart jumped into his throat at the soft but ominous sound, only for it to plummet back into his stomach before he forced himself to take a few more breaths. Keto had said Ryuuken would be in soon; it was his father. Who else could it be?
It was only then the full force of the memory he'd forgotten, the important thing he'd neglected to remember, hit him hard enough to make breathing impossible.
The spiritual pressure was anything but his father's.
~.X.~ ~.X.~ ~.X.~ (Ryuuken's POV)
It had taken a while, but as his nerves finally began to calm and the burning, empty feeling started to subside to just a void in his body, he reached into his pocket, taking out his pack of cigarettes and lighter. Hospital or not, it was a form of release, and the slight shaking of his hands gave him all the indication he needed that he still needed control. So he placed the cigarette between his lips and lit it, dragging the smoke deep into his lungs and holding it there for a second before slowly releasing his breath, watching the thin trail of smoke leave him; and with it, went the remainder of his pent up pain, worry, and emotion.
Bringing his left leg up to prop his arm on, with every drag he took he felt his muscles uncoiling and relaxing, and he was finally able to begin to set his thoughts at ease. Right or wrong, the decision had been made, as had the choice; now all that was left was to watch things play out and hope for the best. Everything was now in Uryuu's hands. Of course, he would still do the things he could, such as attempt to take better care of him, regardless of his mental state, yet a nagging thought began to cross his mind.
As he watched another trail of smoke pass his lips, he began to wonder if once Uryuu regained his sanity... if he would be unneeded again. If Uryuu would revert back to how he was and begin to avoid him; to hate him again. The thought made his chest clench tighter, and with a determined breath, he pulled another drag from his cigarette, chasing away the thought with smoke. It was out of his hands.
He would do what he could, and it would be up to Uryuu whether that was enough to make up for the past.
He heard the door open a ways down the hall, and glanced over to see Keto exiting the room alone, gently closing the door behind him. In his hands he held a note pad and a set of car keys, and though Keto gave him an odd stare for seeing him sitting on the floor, Ryuuken paid it no heed as he pulled himself off the floor, squaring his shoulders against the last vestiges of aching muscles and joints. Taking another drag off his cigarette, he heard Keto ask,
"Could you walk me out to my car?"
So things had gone badly then. There was a diagnosis finally, and he didn't want Uryuu to hear it. He hadn't known what he had hoped for from this session, if anything at all, but he still felt his heart drop. He made sure not to show his apprehension in his facial features, and instead began walking along side Keto toward the parking lot exit, waiting on the man to voice his opinions first. With every step he had to battle his own will to ask what had happened, and with every step that took him further away from Uryuu he could feel that anxiety growing to a peak that was finally released when they exited the hospital itself.
Just as Ryuuken flicked the dead butt out onto the asphalt, Keto began,
"I don't know what happened between you and your son, but the rape wasn't the start of his breakdown. It was only the final straw."
Ryuuken was almost glad he had gotten rid of the cigarette when he did, because he might have burnt himself upon hearing Keto's words. In spite of the blunt way he put it, the meaning behind those words caught him and made him slowly turn to face the man, his eyes narrowing slightly as his left hand slipped into his pocket.
"... Excuse me?"
His words were calm and even, but his tone had changed into a darker warning that Keto didn't seem to heed.
"I'm not going to tell you how you should or should not have raised your son, but there are things from the past that aren't even associated with the rape that are weighing on him. No son uses his father's first name in passing unless he's made a habit of it; and no son makes a habit of it without good reason to. Now there could be other stressors in his life; family, school, friends... I didn't dig too deep since this was only his first time talking to me, but there's something more going on here than I think either of us realize.
"The fact of the matter is, Uryuu is suffering from an extreme case of PTSD. Most likely he's having vivid hallucinations, and when those hallucinations hit, they're caused by extreme outside stress. He's constantly in a state of hypertension, and he's over analyzing everything. In my professional opinion, he needs time, yes, but he needs something to focus on. He needs goals. Try giving him a project to work on; or better yet, a project you can both work on together. No matter what's happened in the past, it's obvious he's looking to you for strength, and so far from what I can see, he's found it.
"So nurture him and indulge him, but please; don't baby him. Skirting around issues is only going to make the problems he's having worse, now that I've seen a little of what's going on in his mind. He needs to face this head on, before he has a breakdown he can't rebound from."
Suddenly, Ryuuken found himself speechless, using all of his brain power to process Keto's words. He didn't want to believe it, but he could see in retrospect what he meant. Uryuu had borne witness to Soken's ugly death, and while he had locked himself away in his room for a few days, he had continued on like nothing happened. He had dealt with Ryuuken's uncaring attitude without flinching, and had distanced himself without a second thought. He had lived as a Quincy when all others were dead and gone.
Just how much more had been bottled up inside the boy that he had never known about? Just how much more had he contributed to his mental deterioration than he would ever know?
"I've given Uryuu a list of things to remember when he starts to have his panic attacks," Keto began again, dragging Ryuuken's attention back to him, "and I would suggest you read over them too, and help him to remember. He needs you right now. If you want him to get better, you're going to have to work with him as much as you can, even when it feels like you can't."
Keto looked as though he were about to rest a hand on Ryuuken's shoulder in a comforting gesture, but thought better of it at the last minute and simply turned to head toward his car, saying quietly over his shoulder,
"Either way, I have a daughter to get home to, and you have a son who needs you right now. Go on. And I'll see you at work tomorrow if you decide to come in. If not, we'll take care of the place for you."
Scathing retorts were his forte, and right now he wished he had one that would roll off the tongue that seemed hell bent on sticking to the roof of his mouth; but none came. Instead, he watched Keto walk to his car, get in, and drive away before he finally sighed. Maybe... the man was right. As much as he hated to admit it, he had probably contributed a large part to Uryuu's current condition, and that was something he would have to learn to deal with as well.
He was about to turn around and head back in through the sliding doors when something on the horizon caught his gaze. With narrowed eyes, he scanned the shadows, finding a sight that made his blood run cold, and boil at the same time. How had he not notic- ... oh right.
Damn Shinigami.