Chapter 26
She should just tell him.
Tell him she's not ready yet.
He'd understand, respect her wishes, that much she knew… so why couldn't she just tell him?
These were the thoughts that rolled around in Lizzie's head as they were driven back towards Darcy's townhouse after the function. She could feel the buzz in her head from the alcohol, and it was heightening the feeling of Darcy's caress against her hand, which in itself was making her light headed when he coupled it with that intense gaze of his. Lizzie looked away, and for a moment she cursed her caged heart.
Lizzie may have been adventurous and audacious her entire life, but she'd always been cautious when it came to love. Determined not to fall into affairs of passing fancy, indulge in anything purely for pleasure, and she'd never marry for anything except the deepest, truest love. Her heart was the one part of her that lived guarded, and recently it was being unwittingly engulfed by William Darcy. Who she was still afraid to fall for, which, she admitted, was exactly what was happening.
She could admit to herself that recently Darcy had shown his true colours, his nice side, and his honest feelings. All of these were good things, and pulling her further into him, but it wasn't that easy to just stop something you'd been doing your entire life. Especially when it was an act of self-preservation, and you were scared of the possibilities.
Nervousness overtook her when she considered the possibility of everything working out between her and Darcy, she'd thought about the whole shebang. A big white wedding, children… But she was also deathly afraid of what would happen if everything fell apart. He was still her boss. Would she be out of her job as well as nursing a broken heart? It would disrupt her personal life as well, because his best friend was still involved with Jane, and that was certainly going to be a success story. Thinking of that kind of future made her want to run away now, before things got too involved.
"We're home," Darcy said, softly pulling her from her thoughts. When she turned to face him then, she saw it in his eyes, there was no way he would let her run away. He walked around the car and handed her out onto the sidewalk, leading her up the stairs to the front door. In the shadowy alcove he quickly pulled her in for a kiss before he unlocked the door and they would no longer be alone.
No, there was no way she could give this relationship up without first giving it an honest shot. Which meant, she realised, that she was in it for the long haul. Well, she thought as they crossed the threshold, there's one thing I don't have to worry about anymore.
Jane came rushing in from the sitting room a smile beaming across her face.
"Oh, you're back! How was it?" She asked, practically bouncing up and down. Charlie, who'd followed her in, put a hand on her back, which immediately calmed her down a touch. Lizzie smiled, those two were certainly made for each other.
"It was a wonderful night," Lizzie said,
"Oh I'm so glad!" Jane started, and then she started asking a million questions about the food and the guests and the music, Lizzie gestured for her to follow her upstairs while Darcy and Charles went into the study to share a drink and catch up. Up in her room Jane helped Lizzie change and pack up her things while Lizzie talked about everything that happened throughout the night. Katie came in not long after they'd arrived and sat on the bed listening while Jane bounced around gathering things into the duffel bag and Lizzie, now changed into her pyjamas (not the cupcake ones today, but equally as childish ones adorned with cartoon kittens) sat at the mirror using make up wipes to clean her face.
"Oh," Lizzie said suddenly, "You'll love this!" She flashed a look back at Katie in the mirror, perking her interest.
"Caroline Bingley was there tonight," she started, Katie's left eyebrow rose questioningly.
"Oh! How is Caroline? It's been so long since I've seen her!" Jane asked.
"Hmmph, with good reason," Katie muttered, even though she'd never met Charlie's sister, she'd heard enough from Lizzie not to like her.
"Katie!" Jane admonished, but Lizzie winked at her.
"No, she's right," Lizzie agreed, and continued to tell the story of her earlier encounter. By the time she was finished she could tell Jane was struggling to remain impartial. She hated to think badly of anyone, but she had always thought Caroline treated her little sister poorly. Katie on the other hand, had no problem expressing her delight at the situation, letting out a whooping cry of joy and clapping a few times.
"Bravo Lizzie!" she cheered, "You claimed your man like a pro!" she said, and Lizzie blushed, spinning on her stool to face her sisters.
"He's not my man," she said.
"Yes, he is!" Katie disagreed, "Or at least he should be, or would be if you'd just give him the green light."
"For once, I actually agree with you Katie," Jane laughed, "It's pretty clear how Darcy feels about you Lizzie, the only question is, how do you feel about him?"
Lizzie sighed, that certainly was the question, one she wasn't sure she knew how to answer, but if there was anyone she could share her feelings with, it was these two girls. Jane she had always shared everything with, and recently Katie had become one of her closest confidants. They were sisters, and best friends, and these two knew her better than anyone else in the world.
"I keep asking myself the same thing," she admitted, they both frowned.
"You love him," Katie insisted, "You just won't admit it to yourself, but you do,"
"I don't know," she shrugged, "I think I defiantly could love him, some day, I certainly want to love him. I want to be with him. But I guess I'm just afraid."
"Afraid of what?" Jane asked
"Of what might happen," she answered.
"If things didn't work out?"
"And if they did," Lizzie admitted, "I've never met anybody who I've wanted so much from. I want everything with Will, but with everything we've been through, it's hard to imagine it would work,"
"Are you saying you don't trust him?" Jane asked, concern etching across her face.
"No! No, it's not that at all. I do trust him, I trust him completely!" she exclaimed.
"You don't trust yourself not to screw it up," Katie said, and Lizzie met her gaze. All right, mystery solved. Katie was dead on. She didn't trust herself. The realisation hit her like a tonne of bricks.
"He's got this image of me in his head… what if I can't live up to it?" she asked.
"He knows exactly who you are Lizzie, and he still loves you. You haven't exactly treated him well for the past few years, yet he's still trying to win you." Jane said.
"You won't ruin it," Katie finished, and Jane nodded her agreement. Lizzie sighed, maybe they were right.
"We'd better go," Jane said, "See you soon Lizzie," she said grabbing the duffel bag.
"Bye sis," Katie grabbed the garment bag, dress safely back inside it, and the shoes from by the door and they left the room. Lizzie contemplated their conversation for a few minutes, before following them downstairs to say good night, and thank you to Will.
She peeped into Georgiana's room as she passed and saw that the girl was fast asleep, her head lolling to the side on her pillow. Lizzie shut the door quietly and padded the rest of the way to the landing in her socked feet as softly as she could. Downstairs, the living room, foyer and dining room were all dark, there was a soft glow coming from the sitting room doorway, but Lizzie headed to the brightly lit kitchen first, where she found Darcy at the counter making two steaming mugs of hot tea.
"Hey," she said, quietly calling his attention. He looked up from his tea bag dipping and smiled. He'd removed his jacket, vest and bow tie and undone a few of the shirt buttons. Lizzie couldn't help but think how ruggedly handsome he looked in his dressed down state.
"Hey," he replied, that smile still gracing his lips.
"I thought you might like some tea," he continued, resuming his task and reaching for the milk, pouring a drop into each mug and stirring them.
Lizzie nodded and walked over to sit at the counter in front of him. He stirred in sugar, exactly the amount she liked, into both cups, he looked up at her with a grin.
"Funny how we both take our tea exactly the same way," he chuckled, "Great minds and all that,"
She smiled softly at him, but didn't make eye contact, suddenly the fact that they were all alone together seemed unsettling. She felt like she'd reached the edge of a crevice and was teetering on the ledge, waiting to fall or be pulled back. She felt like she should be panicking, like she should be flailing and trying to scramble back to the safely of solid ground. But she was just… waiting. Was she ready to fall? The thought flittered across her mind at the very moment that Darcy pushed the warm mug into her hand, his fingers brushing against hers.
"Shall we go into the sitting room?" he asked
"Uh, sure," she replied, a little shakily. She got up and followed him into the next room, which was lit only by the table lamps. Darcy flicked off the harsh kitchen fluorescents as he passed the switch and it was only moments later that Lizzie found herself sitting next to him on the plush L-shaped sofa, her legs pulled up beneath her. He was leaning back into the corner of the cream pillows, and arm running along the back of the couch against the wall, his hand falling somewhere behind her head. He propped his legs up on the chaise section and picked up a book from the side table, giving her a soft smile as he propped it on his leg and some pillows, opening the marked page.
It was clear to Lizzie that he wasn't looking to have any in depth conversations right now, and for that she was a little relived, after all she had been drinking, and while she wasn't drunk, she wasn't in the condition to be talking about their feelings. Katie's comment upstairs hadn't helped much either.
Lizzie sipped at her tea and watched Darcy as he flicked to the next page of his book. What am I feeling? She thought, taking in the sight before her and realizing how absurdly natural it felt, despite her jittery and nervous stomach.
She felt safe, she smiled at the thought. Darcy made her feel safe, and tonight he'd made her feel beautiful. He'd also made her feel wanted, lusted after, and for that matter, lustful, she thought remembering the hot flushes and the feeling of her fast heart beat that had overcome her several times at the party.
She did like him, a lot, she wanted to spend time with him and she wanted to be close to him too. She could remember the feel of him from the night they'd slept together at Netherfield all too well. Then tonight when he'd held her tightly against his body on the dance floor it had felt so good to be pressed up against him. She felt her body warm again. She was blushing, so of course Darcy chose that moment to look up from his book at her.
"What?" he asked with a concerned look in his eyes.
"Nothing!" She said, but it came out somewhat squeaky.
"Liar," he smiled, "You're a terrible liar, you know that right?" he asked, a chuckle in his voice.
"I am not!" she defended herself, and she wasn't, normally, "Only recently, and only when it comes to you," she said, before she could stop herself.
He really did laugh this time, that deep baritone laugh that she liked so much because his smile reached his eyes and it sounded like music. She blushed deeper.
"Come on Lizzie, what's up?" he said once his laughter subsided, she let out a sigh.
"Nothing, really, I was just thinking about stuff," she shrugged. He closed his book and put it aside, next to his now empty mug of tea.
"What kind of stuff?" he asked, teasingly. This was not helping her blush situation.
"Well, you, to be honest," she mumbled.
"Hmm, should I be worried? Or were these good thoughts?" he asked, "You are blushing," he teased, "Can I take that as a good sign?"
She felt herself get redder, and his expression softened.
"Oh, Lizzie, I'm only teasing you!" he said, "Come here," he took her nearly empty mug and placed it on the coffee table, resuming his position her tugged her over to him. She found herself relaxing into his arms.
"Now, all teasing aside," He started, "You can tell me Lizzie, what's going through that pretty head of yours?"
"I thought you said no more teasing?" She laughed,
"It's not teasing when it's the truth," he responded, "Seriously Lizzie, what are you worrying about?"
She sighed,
"I guess it's not so much that I'm worrying, I'm still just figuring things out."
"That's okay, you know I'm not trying to rush you Lizzie, I'm sorry if tonight felt like I was, but sometimes I just can't help myself around you," his voice sounded like he was a little ashamed. Lizzie shifted her head and looked up at him from where she had been resting on his shoulder.
"Don't feel bad about it Will, you haven't done anything wrong. And tonight… well tonight was some of the most fun I've ever had. It was a lovely night, I guess that's what got me thinking, you know? It feels so natural to be with you sometimes, and then it worries me because I don't worry." She laughed, "I guess that doesn't really make sense,"
"I get it," he smiled, "So, how about we don't worry about anything tonight, and just enjoy being together? Just like this?" he asked, she sighed, that sounded like a wonderful idea.
"Please," she said by way of answer.
So he sat back in his seat, first reaching for the small remote that controlled the sound system and turning on some soft instrumental music, before pulling Lizzie into him so that she was snuggled into his side, her head resuming its place on his chest.
For a little while they talked, about the party that night, about work, and about their plans for Pemberley, but soon they both fell silent and just sat together. It wasn't long until Lizzie was feeling very sleepy, and knew she should get up and go to her bed, just one more minute, she thought. What could it hurt, after all?
"This is nice," she found herself saying through a yawn in her sleepy, half way to drunken state. Darcy's chest rumbled with his chuckle as he agreed with her.
"You're nice," he mumbled back, and she could tell she was blushing.
"So are you," she said, yawning again, "Thanks for taking me out tonight Will, I had a good time."
"Any time Lizzie," he said, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. She didn't say anything else, because she nodded off lying there in his arms, a small smile on her lips and a warm feeling in her heart.
When she woke up a little while later and she was moving, or rather, someone was moving, and carrying her up the stairs. She blinked under the lights shining through the banister from upstairs and peered up through her lashes at Will, who had her cradled against his chest, her arm was looped around his neck as he carefully navigated the stairs and carried her to her room. He was too busy watching his steps to see her look up at him, so when he reached her dark room and crossed over to the bed with her he didn't see her open eyes on his face. He lowered her body onto the bed and pulled the blankets up around her before stepping back. He was almost at the door when she spoke, stopping him in her tracks.
"Will?" She called in a voice thick with sleep.
"Yeah," he whispered back, one hand holding onto the door frame.
"Stay," she whispered into the darkness, watching his silhouette as he turned his head to look towards the bed. The light from the hall spilled onto her face, dimly lighting her features and showing her earnest eyes.
"Lizzie…" He whispered, warningly with slight shake of his head. They'd had a good time together tonight, and that was enough for him, he couldn't take advantage of this situation just because she'd been drinking. But climbing into Lizzie's bed was so very tempting.
"Just stay Will, and hold me? I don't want you to leave," she said.
He only hesitated a moment before he reached out into the hall and flicked the switch outside her door, before pushing it shut. By the moonlight flooding through the window Darcy crossed back across his guest bedroom, and stripped down to his boxer briefs and undershirt to climb into Lizzie's bed. He pulled her small warm body into his arms and nestled her against his side, feeling all jittery inside from anxious excitement. She was in his bed! Technically anyway, and this would only be the first night they would spend sleeping together, he was sure, because he knew he'd never be able to go back now. This was the step forward they had both been looking to take.