Chapter 31

"I…"

He couldn't say it.

He wanted to say 'I love you', but the words wouldn't come out, instead they stuck in his throat like a lump making him feel like he'd just eaten a big spoonful of peanut butter. He swallowed against his dry mouth and tried again.

"Because I'm an idiot, and I never meant to upset you," he said instead, grasping her hand, "And I haven't changed my mind. I'm sorry I blocked you out, but, I..." he stopped. He wasn't sure if he could confess to her what he'd really thought.

How would that look to her? But he knew that he needed to, that he had to come clean and tell her everything, even if it was embarrassingly idiotic of him. He pulled her to sit beside him on the bed and sighed.

"I overheard you speaking with Richard yesterday in the sitting room. When I saw he was holding your hand... I jumped to conclusions. It was stupid of me, I just, I saw him touching you, telling you to choose who you loved. It was petty jealously... It upset me, it made me angry at Richard, I realise now that I over reacted," he looked up to meet her gaze, but he couldn't read her expression, "I don't know what else to say Lizzie, I was an idiot, and I'm so sorry..." he trailed off. She sat there silent, watching him for what felt like an eternity.

"Do you honestly think I would do that?" She asked in a quivering voice,

"God Will, after everything we've talked about? After everything we've done... I'm sleeping in your bed every night, don't you understand how it feels that you doubt me?"

"I know, I'm sorry, but honestly it wasn't like that. It was all because of Richard. It didn't occur to me how it would be for you. Rich and I have grown up together, we had to share everything. We had all the same friends, and he would always copy me and get the same toys, or dress like me. And let's just say, it wouldn't have been the first time he'd dated someone I'd already gone out with. It wasn't about you Lizzie, and I didn't think to make that clear."

She didn't speak and it drove him crazy that he didn't know what she was thinking.

"I can't tell you how sorry I am. Please don't leave me Lizzie," he pleaded, she let out a small sigh.

"Alright," she agreed, "I'll stay,"

Darcy let out an obvious sigh of relief and couldn't hold back his smile. He pulled her into a hug which she returned, clinging to him as he held her body close to his.

"Will, don't take this the wrong way," she whispered, "But would you mind if I had a little while to myself?"

He pulled back, the hurt plain in his eyes, but he nodded.

"Of course," he said, standing up and giving her some distance, even though he didn't want to let her go, "I really am sorry Lizzie," he said again, just in case that was why she was pushing him away. She smiled.

"I know, and I forgive you. It's just that I was so angry, and upset, I need a little while to let that go. But I do forgive you,"

"Alright," he agreed heading towards the door, "I'll make it up to you Lizzie, I want you to know how much you mean to me," and then with a lingering look, he left.

Lizzie quickly re-unpacked her things and returned her bags to the corner of the room. Her thoughts were still reeling a little over the conversation she'd just had. At first, she had thought he'd been about to say something else, and was sort of glad that he hadn't. Even though her heart swelled up a little at the idea that he might... feel that way… Even her subconscious wasn't able to say the words.

No, if he'd told her then that he loved her, she probably wouldn't have been able to accept it and then everything really would have fallen apart.

She had been hurt at first that he could think she'd walk out on him, especially with his own cousin! But soon after, reflected that she hadn't exactly shared much of how she felt about him, he was pretty much flying blind in terms of her part in their relationship.

That had lessened the blow a little, and made her think about things too. Firstly about how she did feel about Darcy, and secondly about how she was showing it, so far she'd been doing a pretty poor job of it.

Sure, she was sleeping in his bed every night, but they weren't sleeping together. She'd thought she wasn't ready to re-establish a physical relationship with him. But that wasn't it, and she knew that now. She was insecure, hadn't she admitted that to Richard? So subconsciously, not sleeping with Will had been her attempt to safe guard herself. Something she was slapping herself for now, because she realised that she really hadn't been giving Darcy any encouragement. Now after his confession about Richard, she saw that she wasn't the only one who was insecure about things, and part of that was her fault. She'd already decided that she was going to give this relationship a real shot, so now she actually had to DO that. It wasn't enough to just exist in it. She had to participate in it.

And she needed to clear her head.

It was a nice day outside, so she decided to go for a walk and explore the gardens. The fresh air would do her good, and when she came back, she could start at fixing things with Will.

Behind the house, off in the direction where the property spanned for acres... More than Lizzie cared the fathom, there was a pretty rose garden, with a large paved courtyard in its center. At one end, a staircase of white stone stepped up to an ornately carved archway, with climbing roses growing entwined in its frame. Beyond this, after another large area of paved white stone was a rather spacious field of grass that spanned out until it met the rugged line of trees. Lizzie found herself drawn to this garden now, in her time of anguish, still drowning in the thoughts of her own mistakes with Will, and the misunderstanding that morning. The rose garden was calming and she soon found herself feeling more relaxed.

She was now lazing in the warmth of the sun as she sat on one of the wrought iron benches near the archway, she was lost in her own thoughts, and not all of them were dwelling on the catastrophe of that morning, but were focused on the man himself. She had lost track of the time, half dozing on her bench and savouring the good weather, when Darcy came to find her.

"Ahh, I see you've discovered my favorite area of the gardens," he said, coming across her.

Basking in the sun, her eyes closed against the glare, she hadn't seen him enter the rose garden and make his way up the stairs to her, and it wasn't until he spoke and his shadow crossed her that she opened her eyes and realized he was with her.

"Hey!" she said, sitting up straighter, a smile on her face. One that seemed to cross her lips quite often recently, the past 24 hours or so excluded, whenever Darcy was in her presence.

"Sorry, I lost track of time!" she apologized, seeing the sun was now a lot higher in the sky that it had been when she'd left the house.

He shook his head, unconcerned and walked over to the archway, standing beneath it, looking out across the garden he smiled, memories flitting across his consciousness.

"This is where my parents got married," he said after a moment, turning to face her. She perked up with interest.

"When I was a little boy, before she passed away, I'd always find my mother sitting out here, just sitting and enjoying the garden. This was their favourite place to be, Pemberley, this rose garden," he recalled.

He held out a hand and gestured for her to join him. She rose from her seat and made her way over, standing beside him under the arch. He pointed back over the garden and she followed his finger. The grass sloped upwards slightly at that end of the garden, and the house sat atop the incline.

"From this spot," he started again, "you can see almost the entire house. And up there, that window, that's the master bedroom. So my parents could always look out their window, no matter the season, and remember their wedding day."

"They were quite romantic your parents," she murmured, and he nodded his agreement, a sad smile on his face,

"When my mother died, a part of my dad died with her. I think that's mostly the reason why we moved to London. This had always been home, but my father couldn't bear to look out his window and see this garden anymore. It made him too sad... I was only ten, Georgie was about one, and he just couldn't bear to be here. But this is still my favorite spot." he said, they were silent for a while, while he relived his memories, and Lizzie's heart went out to that little boy who'd lost his mother.

"I always thought I'd get married here too," he mused, speaking very softly. Lizzie snapped her head to look at him, and he was so far away that she was sure he didn't know what he'd just said, and something in her wouldn't allow her to bring it up and verify. But her head was in a spin.

Darcy wanted to get married? Here? She felt a little faint.

She wasn't sure how long it was after that when he stopped his musings and turned to her, back in the present.

"Ms. Reynolds has made us a picnic," he said, smiling, "I want to show you somewhere else special. But it's a little hike, are you up for that?"

"Bring it on," she smirked, you could bet she was up for it, she was in this now and from this day forth, she was participating. So she wanted to know everything there was to know about this man, and for him to know everything about her, and for the first time in her life, that thought didn't scare her. He clasped her hand, and they left the rose garden together.

Darcy had taken her to the other side of the house, where the landscape was more rugged and the property ran into woodlands. He led her onto a tiny trail in the trees that she hadn't even seen, and they slowly hiked their way up the small incline. It was probably half an hour that they were hiking, not talking much, unless Darcy pointed out a spot on the trail that held some significance to a story or moment of his youth. And she listened intently, eventually the trees started to clear and more light began to seep in through the leaves above until they came to a small clearing in the woods.

A little field of soft green grass, dotted with the color of wildflowers, just starting to bloom for spring. In the middle of the clearing there was a large flat rock, moss growing around its sides, but perfectly clean on top, just at the perfect height to sit on, and large enough to lie down on. Perhaps even for two. Lizzie, who had been holding Darcy's hand, dropped it from her grasp and ventured further into the clearing, looking around the almost perfect circle that nature had formed here. The large trees of the woodland absolutely surrounded it, but this cleaning was void of any plant larger that the wildflower grasses.

"What do you think?" Darcy asked, sounding apprehensive.

"Did somebody make this?" she asked, still a little awed.

"No. It's all the work of Mother Nature, I found this clearing when I was younger. It was the first time we came back here after the London move. I was trying to escape my father's watchful eye," he laughed and Lizzie turned to face him now, for where she stood a few meters away.

"No one else knows about it, I've never shown anyone. Not even Georgiana," he admitted, and Lizzie's heart fluttered. Yet he was sharing it with her? She felt flush. What was this man doing to her?

"Why are you showing me?" she asked.

"Because I said I'd make it up to you. You're different Lizzie, you're special," he said staring intently into her eyes, and Lizzie could tell there was something more to the end of that sentence, but she was afraid to know what it was, so she let it go. He strode to her side and grabbed her hand, leading her to the big flat rock in the center of the clearing. When they reached it, he started to unpack all the fixings that Ms. Reynolds had put together for their picnic lunch.

"This reminds me of the picnics I used to have growing up," Lizzie pondered aloud as they ate. Ms. Reynolds had packed up a basket full of sandwich meats, crusty bread rolls, fruit, butter cake and homemade lemonade which Darcy had laid out on the soft plaid blanket he'd brought along. Lizzie was sitting with her legs out in front of her, leaning back on one arm to prop herself up as she sipped on cold lemonade with the other. Darcy was laying in the opposite direction to her, on his stomach, arms holding his torso upright so that he could more easily see her face bathed in the yellow sunlight.

"Tell me about them," he asked, breaking a grape from the bunch and popping it in his mouth.

Lizzie smiled at the reminiscence.

"Jane and I used to pack up a basket, and sneak off together, to this little clearing we found in the woods behind out house. Sort of like this," she gestured around them, "But only about an eighth of the size," she teased.

"We used to think we were so cleaver, sneaking away with the best of the pantry stock," she smiled, "Our dad found out though, after about the third time, he found our hiding place… we thought we were going to get in so much trouble when he came out from the trees, my dad isn't a very demonstrative person, he always wears the same stoic expression, so it wasn't until he sat down with us and took a bite of my cupcake that we knew he didn't mind," she laughed to herself.

"From then on, he would always join us, we'd spend hours in the clearing together, just the three of us. Dad would read, for hours on end, and Jane and I played games with each other, and as we got older started stealing his books… he never did tell Mum, to this day she doesn't know what happened to all the missing food," she chuckled and trailed off.

"You and your dad are close?" Darcy asked, watching her wistful expression. She turned her face down to look at him.

"Yeah, we are," she smiled.

"That must be nice,"

"You weren't close with your dad?" she asked, having always believed the Darcy clan to be close knit, especially seeing Will and Georgiana together.

"No, I was, but differently I guess," he sighed, rolling over to lie on his back, he put his hands behind his head.

"Dad was a hard man to get close to, I guess I inherited that," he said, giving her a knowing look, "It was worse after mum died, he closed himself off. I was just a kid, but I know it changed things. And when I got older, a lot of our relationship was about the business," he sighed, "But he was a great guy, and a great dad, I miss him terribly,"

"I'm sorry," Lizzie whispered, moving to mimic his earlier position, she shuffled closer on the blanket so that they were right next to each other, "I didn't meant to bring up something painful,"

"Not at all, it's good," he assured her, moving one hand from behind his head he brought it up to the side of her face, stroking her cheek gently. She leaned into his touch.

"I really am sorry about before," he whispered, guilt still lingering in his eyes. She shook her head, and moved to lie beside him, using his shoulder as a pillow and curling into his side. The hand that was touching her face curled around her, pulling her close.

"Stop apologizing," she murmured, "Let's forget about it okay? I only want to remember the good things today,"

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head with a sigh.

"Alright, think only of the past as it gives you pleasure, right? That's what you say?"

"Very good," she smiled, "How'd you know that?"

He laughed deeply, "Oh Lizzie, you think I haven't paid you any attention these past three years?"

"I guess I hadn't thought much about it," she admitted, a little ashamed of herself.

"Well, believe me I've noticed," he said, stroking her hair.

They were silent for a long while, just lying there on the ground under the warm sun, holding each other. It was Lizzie who spoke next, finally gaining the courage to say what she'd never been able to say before.

"I really want to make this work Will, you and me," she whispered, he was silent for a moment, and Lizzie thought that maybe he'd fallen asleep and hadn't heard her. But then he took a death breath and exhaled slowly.

"So do I," he whispered back, then "No more misunderstandings, I promise."