"Calliope please don't hurt me. I'm sorry. Please don't!"
Arizona was so deep in her nightmare that she couldn't hear Callie begging for her to wake up. In a desperate attempt she gathered the blonde up in her arms and rolled back over so that she was lying on her back with Arizona's head on her chest. The Latina stroked her hand through golden curls and whispered in her ear.
"Hush baby. I'm not gonna hurt you I'm sorry. Wake up for me darling; you're safe Arizona. I promise."
The surgeon's pleas had grown quieter and they were now replaced with small sniffles and the occasional sob. They lay there for a while and Callie let her partner calm down but didn't let her go. Arizona focused on the softness of the skin beneath the brunette's tank top. It was warm below her cheek. She inhaled the smell of bubble bath that still hung onto Callie's body. She let the feeling of being held in such a tight embrace sink in. She wasn't scared anymore. She was safe.
"I love you darling." The Latina's voice was sad. Arizona pulled back and ran the back of her hand across Callie's cheek.
"I'm... I'm gonna go get a drink okay?" Callie nodded in reply. "Try to get some sleep sweetheart. I'll be okay?" And with that she extricated herself from the arms around her and went into the kitchen to get a glass of water.
While she was there she spotted her girlfriend's journal on the coffee table. Before she knew it, Arizona was sat back on the sofa rereading what she had earlier. The book didn't contain long passages, more short, scribbled entries. She opened the first page; it read:
I'm unsure how to start this but I suppose I'm even more unsure how it will end. I'll get there though; I'm too stubborn to let it leave me behind. Me and my brain injury: A love- hate relationship. Living with a brain injury is full of contradictions. Like how I've spent years wanting everyone else to understand but when people ask me I'm okay because they realise that something is wrong, that's when I lie. I tell them yes because other people paying attention to it makes me feel like it's a really big issue because it's affecting the rest of the world. That makes me uncomfortable so I lie.
Fair fingers flick through the pages to an entry Callie must have written at school.
Why won't you let me work? It is only second lesson! Everything is fuzzy and distant like I can't quite touch normality. It feels like I'm banging my head against a brick wall and it's stopping me having any kind of effect on anything.
Let me be normal!
On the page directly opposite were the words:
Hold my hand and keep me safe before I do something stupid and throw everything that I've thought about and fought for away.
Arizona found herself back at the most heart breaking passage:
I wish I wasn't scared all the time but I am. When I say scared I mean scared that:
I will do something stupid and hurt myself or someone else.
I will push everyone away.
I will let someone in and tell them stuff only for them to walk away and break my heart.
I will screw up my life.
I will never have a descent relationship with anyone.
My injury will get worse.
Unless you have a brain injury you won't really understand but if I have given this book to you though, thank you. I trust you. As I write this I've no idea who you are but I love you. You have given me hope.
Tears stung Arizona's cheeks as she thought about a teenage Callie scribbling down all of her darkest feelings. The idea that she had nobody to tell them to. She was suddenly aware of a presence behind her. The blonde wiped away her tears away as best she could.
"I told you to go to sleep."
"Not without you." Callie responded as she moved to sit back on the coffee table as she had earlier. The Latina took the journal from her partner's hands and squeezed some of the anti-inflammatory cream into her hands.
"That's ridiculous; you need to rest." She watched Callie's movements closely but didn't argue when she took one of her wrists in hands and began rubbing in the soothing gel.
"It's your rule remember." The brunette moved onto the other wrist. "Don't obsess over what's in that book."
"I'm not; it's just that I wish I could have been there then."
"It's probably best you weren't; I wouldn't have really accepted help from anyone. And I wouldn't have coped well with being loved either."
"You wouldn't have had much of a choice to be honest." Arizona kept her girlfriend's strong hands in hers.
"You're so beautiful Arizona." The surgeon could no longer keep eye contact as the intensity of Callie's gaze was almost unnerving. "No you really are. Your hairs like gold and your eyes shine like sapphires, especially when you smile. God I love your smile. And your skin is flawless. I love how it looks so pale against mine. Apart from when you're embarrassed like now and you blush or when we're in bed and it's rosy from how hot you get."
Arizona laughed and looked back up at Callie who was now smiling too.
"You know what I love the most though? Your heart." The Latina placed one of her hands on her lover's chest. "You are so amazing. You were my worst nightmare Arizona Robbins. Before you I surrounded myself with people who wanted things from me. It was easier. It was predictable. They either wanted me to screw them or lend them money. Then there was you. You didn't want anything except for the one thing I was terrified to give to anybody. In the end though it was out of my control; I couldn't stop myself. I love you. My worst nightmare came true and it was wonderful.
You don't have to stay here tonight if you don't feel comfortable. Or you know there's the spare room."
"I don't want to leave tonight."
"Maybe we should take a break."
"How can you say that after everything you just said?"
"I'm your worst nightmare now!"
"No Calliope; you're not. Last night wasn't you. This is you. Those words in that book scare the crap out of me but these words now... When you talk, you say things I'd never expect or things that make me laugh uncontrollably. One sentence from you and it changes the way I see the whole world. One word from you and I know... I know totally that you love me." She clasped at the hand that was still on her heart with her own.
"Arizona..."
"Yeah, that. The way you say my name Calliope, I know it's you."
"I don't want you to be scared; it kills me to think that you're scared of me."
"I'm not. Let's go back to bed yeah?"
"Are you sure?"
"On one condition."
"Anything."
"Hold me."
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Arizona slept the rest of the night peacefully in her partner's arms. They were back, almost at least. Within a couple of days she was back at work but insisted on phoning to check on Callie every few hours. Soon enough it was a week later.
The surgeon walked into the apartment to find Jonathon on the sofa with the Latina; both of them were talking about something on the screen of the laptop in front of them.
"Hey darling."
"Hey baby, what are you doing?"
"Just going over the accounts."
"What? Calliope you're not supposed to be working."
"Arizona it's my business; I'm just checking that everything is okay."
"Thanks for the confidence." Jonathon chimed in. Callie gave him the "don't get involved" look. "You know' I think I'll leave you to it." Both of them stood up and went to the door as the blonde went towards the kitchen.
"Are you cooking dinner?"
"Yes." The brunette answered.
"What if you'd hurt yourself?"
It was now that a new voice entered the room. "Don't worry Arizona; I was supervising the whole time."
The surgeon's head snapped round at the familiar sound. Stood at the door to the guest room was Barbara Robbins.
"Mom?" Arizona turned back to her girlfriend with her hands on her hips. "What the hell is going on?"
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Okay see that was not a horrible way to end the chapter... this time.
Hope you enjoyed it, I actually got my old journal out for the passages. It was weird to read back through them.
Just one or two more chapters till the taster fits in and then... LONDON BABY!