X-Sammii-X, I do think the Casualty writers are wonderful, but it is very sad that Matilda is barely mentioned now. Cal probably has enough to think about with Emilie, but it does mean the fatherhood storyline wasn't fully explored. I wanted Emilie to learn more about Cal and Ethan, but I thought it would be more interesting if they talked about each other. Thank you for your review.
LittleBritishPerson, thank you for reminding me that it might upset Cal and Ethan to talk about Matilda - I've rewritten the chapter to reflect that. Cal and Ethan are amazing people and I wanted Emilie to know that (though she probably believes it already). Thank you for your review.
Becs2202, there will be more drama in this story, but it seemed natural for them to spend a chapter just talking and remembering and talking in a positive way without (I hope) forcing it. I'm glad you liked it. Thank you for your review.
tracys dream, thank you for your review - I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. It's nice to know you found it interesting - it was much quieter and calmer than the other chapters so it could have been boring.
CBloom2, thank you for your review - I'm so glad you liked it and I'm really happy to know you can see the scene in your head. Two more chapters to come after this! I think they will be more emotional.
Tanith Panic, I'm glad it isn't morbid - I really wanted to avoid that and I'm glad the humour works. Humour is so much a part of Cal and Ethan's relationship when they're not hating each other. I also wanted Emilie to come across well and I wanted to show a different side to her. I'm glad you liked Emilie's stories about Cal and Ethan. I wanted to bring in something new as Cal and Ethan are talking about things we already know. Thank you for both your reviews.
Ethan glanced at Cal. "Is it okay to talk about Matilda? It wouldn't upset you?"
Cal hesitated. "I think everything would upset me at the moment."
"I don't have to talk about her," said Ethan gently.
"No. Tell Mum everything," said Cal. "I want her to know." He stroked Emilie's hand. "Matilda was important to me. She still is. I want you to know everything that's important."
"Okay." Ethan patted Cal's back, then smiled at Emilie. "I was hoping to tell you about Matilda anyway. You'll soon see why. Cal was incredible."
"I wasn't," said Cal.
"Yes, you were," said Ethan. He turned back to Emilie. "Cal had his heart broken. I won't tell you the full story of that because it would take a long time, but he met a girl he really loved. He risked a lot to make her happy, but it turned out she didn't feel the same way."
"She sounds like a very stupid girl," said Emilie. "Not good enough for my son. I wish I'd been there. I would have told her what I thought of her."
Cal smiled weakly. "I love you, Mum."
He'd said that to her before, but from the way Emilie's eyes lit up, Ethan knew every time was like the first time for Emilie. "I love you too, Cal," she said. "And you, Ethan."
Ethan's breath caught and his eyes began to sting. He wanted to tell Emilie he loved her too, but he didn't think he could. Not because it wasn't true: because once he'd admitted it, there was no going back. He'd have opened his heart to love and to hurt, and he couldn't do that.
He had to stay at least a little bit detached. He had to stay strong so he could look after Cal.
He swallowed and continued. "It took him a while, but Cal got over her and started to show an interest in life again. But then the girl returned with a baby girl she said was Cal's. Then she took off again, leaving us with the baby. Cal was horrified at first. But then he fell in love with the baby. We both did. We called her Matilda. After our… our other mother."
He told Emilie how Cal had responded and risen to the challenge. How he'd adapted to fatherhood and showered the little girl with love.
He told Emilie all the sweet things little Matilda had done: the things Ethan had seen for himself and the things Cal had told him about with an adoring look on his face. Cal's pride when Matilda had filled her first nappy. His horror when he realised Ethan wasn't going to change it for him. His annoyance when he discovered nappy-changing was a hundred times more difficult than an endometriosis. His determination (after once flouncing off and leaving Ethan to do the literally dirty work) to get it right.
He told Emilie that Cal had believed she was his daughter and only agreed to a paternity test when Ethan insisted.
"And I don't know why I did," said Ethan sadly. "I didn't want him to be forced into accepting another man's child, but he loved her. I loved her. She was ours in every way that mattered. But he took the test and she wasn't his. I can't regret that he took the test because that was how he discovered we were adopted. If he hadn't taken the test, we wouldn't have found you." Ethan's eyes filled. "But after that, Cal couldn't keep her."
"It must have been a shock," said Emilie.
"It was, but I still wish I'd kept her," said Cal, as silent tears poured down her face. "I didn't know what to do. I was panicking and hurt that Taylor would do that to me. I wish you could have met Matilda." He gave a sob. "My little Toad…"
Ethan put his arm around him.
"Toad," said Emilie. "That was one of your first words. You said 'Oad'. You thought they were sweet. You said you were going to have a toad when you grew up."
"And I did," said Cal, still crying. "Except that it was my Toad that made me grew up. She was sweet. So lovely. So beautiful. I miss her every day."
"I know," said Emilie softly. "I know how that feels. Come here, Cal."
Cal knew she was fragile, so he didn't lean against her. Instead, he buried his face in the bed beside her. Ethan opened his mouth to tell Cal to be careful of his shoulder, but he realised it would do no good. Cal didn't care about his shoulder. He just wanted his mum.
Ethan started to release Emilie's hand so she'd have both hands to comfort Cal, but her unsteady grip tightened. With her other hand, she stroked Cal's hair. It was awkward and she hit Cal once or twice, but he assured her it was okay. Ethan patted Cal's back and felt quite tearful himself because he loved Matilda too. One of his tears escaped when he saw the effort in Emilie's face as she tried to comfort her son, as well as the guilt when she hurt him, but he reminded himself that it was much worse for Cal and Emilie than for him and managed to blink the rest of his tears away and smiled as reassuringly as he could when Emilie looked at him, concerned.
Ethan and Emilie held Cal till he'd stopped crying, then Ethan helped Cal to sit up and offered him a tissue. Cal wiped his eyes and nose quickly and took Emilie's hand again.
"I'm sorry," said Cal.
"I am sorry you lost Matilda," said Emilie. She looked at Ethan. "Both of you. But I am happy you let me comfort you, Cal."
Cal smiled and sniffed. "You're my mum," he said simply. "Would you like to see a picture of little Matilda?"
"I would like that very much."
Ethan had pictures on his phone - pictures he still couldn't look at without crying - and was about to get his phone out, but Cal was there before him. He opened a folder entitled 'Matilda' and showed Emilie the pictures, letting go of her hand but resting it on top of hers as he held the phone and scrolled slowly through the pictures. Emilie's hand often moved beneath his and once or twice caused him to let go of the camera, but Cal simply picked it up and continued as though nothing had happened.
"My granddaughter is beautiful," said Emilie. "So beautiful."
"She's not really your-" began Cal, but then he stopped. "Yes. Your granddaughter is very beautiful. Just like her gran."
"Can you get her back?" asked Emilie. "You and Ethan, you can look after her together."
Ethan's gaze flickered to Cal. He tried not to betray his eagerness as he asked: "Do you think that's possible? Would you like to?"
"We can try," said Cal. Pain came into his face. "But I don't know… I don't think… there wouldn't be enough time…"
Emilie spoke firmly. "I am happy to have a granddaughter. So happy. I can't ask for more."
Ethan could tell this only made Cal want even more to bring little Matilda to her, but he seemed to accept it was impossible.
"Promise me you will try to adopt her," said Emilie. "You love her. She is yours. It hurts to lose your babies and you have a choice."
Cal nodded. "I promise, Mum. And one day, if Matilda has a little sister, I'm going to call her Emilie." He glanced at his brother. "Or perhaps if she has a little cousin."
Ethan hesitated. "I honestly don't think anyone will be silly enough to want to have a baby with me, but your second granddaughter will be named for you, Mum."
Emilie's thin fingers dug into Ethan's as she tried to squeeze his hand. "Any girl would be lucky to marry you, Ethan. I will be very proud. I will watch over your children and you, when I leave you."
Cal shook his head, tears starting in his eyes again, but he said nothing.
"Cal, why don't you tell Mum something about me now?" suggested Ethan. "Are you okay to do that?"
Cal nodded and thought for a while, his fingers lightly massaging Emilie's hand. "I told you our other mum died in a hospice. You said she was lucky to have a son like me. But she wasn't. I only came to see her twice. The second time, she died."
"It must have been very hard to see her like that," said Emilie.
"It was," said Cal. "But it must have been hard for Ethan too, but he never ran away like I did. He looked after her. He visited her every day. He spent hours with her. He arranged everything."
He started to tell Emilie everything Ethan had done. Ethan felt uncomfortable listening, knowing that he hadn't been there when Matilda had needed him most, but he knew he mustn't ask Cal to stop. Emilie looked like she wanted to hear this and perhaps Cal needed to talk about it. Ethan felt awkward and unhappy, but perhaps the worst thing was the guilt on Cal's face as he admitted all his failures; the complete and abject misery that he could never have those moments with Matilda back.
But he was seizing his second chance. He could never have those moments with Matilda and that regret would never leave him, but he could ensure he had them with Emilie. It wasn't that he loved Emilie more. It was just that he had learned from his mistakes last time and didn't want to be left with the same regrets.
Cal hardly seemed to notice the tears that fell down his cheeks. He didn't pause in his narrative as he listed everything Ethan had done. But it was so much more than just a list. Ethan heard the pride in Cal's voice. Pride in his little brother because he'd coped so well and given so much.
"So you're lucky Ethan's here, Mum," said Cal. "Because I wouldn't know what to do. I'd just mess it up like I always do."
"No, Cal," said Emilie. "You haven't messed anything up with me."
Cal sniffled. "Yes, I did. When I first met you…"
"You had a shock, Cal. You were still reeling from knowing you were adopted. You were not prepared."
"And then when you came to see me and I wanted you to go…"
Emilie turned to Ethan. "You were protecting your little brother. Like you always did."
"Not always," said Cal, with a teary laugh. "He's usually the one protecting me."
"I shouldn't have gone to the hospital," said Emilie. "I shouldn't have come to meet him. I was wrong."
Ethan stroked her hand with his thumb. "Yes, you should have come. I'm so glad you came. If you hadn't, Cal might never have told me."
"I would have done!" said Cal.
"But perhaps not so soon," said Ethan. He smiled at her, his heart swelling. "But you asked us not to blame ourselves, Mum. So please don't blame yourself either. It doesn't matter how we got to this point. All that matters is that we are here. Together. As a family."
"My family," said Emilie softly. "My boys." A look of happiness filled her face and she closed her eyes.