Isabella

Deep breath in.

I am laying on the beach.

And exhale.

The sun warm on my skin.

Inhale.

A nice, cool breeze blowing in my face.

And exhale.

I am at peace.

The spray of water over me makes it seem so real, but I refuse to open my eyes and find Jasper- fresh out the shower in this dank ass motel room- standing over me.

Another spray of water.

I also refuse to leave my inner sanctuary, and Jasper knows this. I can feel his presence standing over me, watching me. Purposely letting the water drip off of his body and land on me, while I just lay here on the floor- I know, not a great place to be- minding my own business. I also refuse to open my eyes to find Jasper smiling at my pathetic self. So you know what I do? I do the mature thing and ignore him.

Not.

I shoot my arm out, hook his leg, and with all my strength- which isn't much- pull. The thud I hear is music to my ears, but does nothing to lessen the stress that I'm beginning to feel. The kind of stress that makes me want to yell, and cry. The kind that makes me feel tight in my own skin, and like I can't breath.

Deep breath in. And out.

I open my eye, and instead of finding a pissed off Jasper, I find a concerned one. Concern isn't a great look for Jasper. Seeing him hurt because I'm hurting always makes me feel guilty, and I hate it. I push his long blond hair away and out of his dark blue eyes. The way he leans into my touch makes me feel even worse.

"I'm okay," I say, rubbing my palm against his cheek, trying to lighten up the mood. Instead, his eyes get softer, and I know that he knows that I'm not okay.

So, instead of trying to be strong and not let my stress and frustrations leak through the cracks of my mask that I for sure thought would fool him, I begin to cry. I cry because, for once in my life, I feel like I've made the biggest mistake by deciding to come home.

.

My guardian, Charlie, once told me that a nice hot bath could remedy anything. Right now? What a load of crap! And if he were here, I'd tell him that. I wipe off the foggy bathroom mirror and stare at my reflection. "You have made a terrible mistake," I say to me. "This day was not worth it." I lean in closer and study my face. I thought I would look different, happier, but I looked miserable. My gray eyes look tired. Is that a zit? Before I have a chance to find out- and possibly scar my face for life- there's a knock on the door. "I'm okay, Jasper," I say, not sounding the least bit believable. He turns the knob, but when he realizes that its locked, gives up trying to get in. He's learned from a very young age that a locked door from me pretty much means that I'm not in the mood.

Poor guy. He's there for me through my mental breakdown, does me the favor of readying my bath, and even gets my PJ's ready and I'm a total spaz to him. In all honesty, I've always hated having Jasper see me cry. Even from a young age. I've always felt that if Jasper were to see me this weak, that everything he ever knew of me would seem fake. It might not make sense, but it's how I've always felt.

I've always had this If Jasper Can, I Can attitude for as long as I can remember. It always got me through a lot of tough times but for some reason, being here, I feel that slipping away.

We've been here in Chaplin for a little over a week. From the moment we stepped off the plane, and up until now, I've been sad for some reason. And everything bad thing that's happened since we've been her feels like one big omen. A way of God telling me that I don't belong here.

So when I open the bathroom door and find Jasper sitting on his bed with his head in his hands, I finally say how I've been feeling.

"I think I made a mistake by coming here," I croak out. My throat begins to feel tight again, burning when I try to swallow back my sadness. He looks up at me and seems surprised. I've been wanting to come home since we left when I was younger.

"Why?" He whispers.

I give him a shrug. I have to swallow a few times before I say, "I feel so sad." I rub my fingers against my eyes, "And you know how much I hate crying." I laugh out a bit and the small smile he gives me makes me feel a bit better.

He reaches his hand out to me, pulling me onto the bed when I grab hold. We shift our bodies until we're comfortable, facing each other the way we do when we have A Serious Conversation. He lays there, patiently, his dark blue eyes a comfort. The same eyes I've stared into since our parents died. And with this comfort, I grab his hand and tell him everything.

How, when I brought the wrong suit case with me from New York, I laughed it off and I let it go. It will get here with the rest of our things.

When I left the keys to our house here in Chaplin at the airport, I shrugged it off and let it go. It's okay, I thought, we'll stay at the Hilton or something. I didn't feel like being at home without our guardians there anyway.

When the bank froze our credit cards because of "fraudulent activities"- because our "responsible guardians" forgot to tell the bank that our location had changed- I started feeling it. This tightness, like, what else can go wrong?

Obviously, a lot can.

The bank couldn't do anything because we weren't the account managers, and by the time they spoke to our guardians it was too late. The most they could do was offer to send us a new card, but by the time that would get here out guardians would have already been here too. So when Jasper and I pulled our pocket money together and added it all up, we thought the best thing to do was stay somewhere cheap so our money could last until Charlie and Renee got her.

So now we've been stuck in this mo-mo a little over a week. Our guardians aren't due home for a few more days. I couldn't even register for school because I didn't have the proper paperwork- the paperwork that is in the house that I don't have the keys to. That wasn't the worst part though. I had to go and run over some poor guy with my skateboard and almost got beat up by some cheerleader- yeah, right. I could have kicked her ass.

I still can't help but feel that this wasn't the way things were supposed to go.

The game plan was to leave NY a few days before our guardians because they had some last minutes strings to tie up. We were to arrive in Chaplin and start opening up the house, remove the sheets and dust, get everything ready for our permanent stay here. So when I lost the keys that had to wait. But then our guardians called and said they were being delayed a few more days. To try and get whatever we could settled without them. But, without our birth certificates and transcripts, my school couldn't register me and neither would Jasper's school. We couldn't even get the paperwork filed for our drivers permit without our guardians being in attendance.

Nothing was going according to plan and I hated it.

I feel like, after all these years, I was holding onto a Chaplin that existed only in my mind. That I was holding Edward, the only tie that I had to this world, higher than I should have been.

By the time I got done laying all this onto Jasper, I'd gone through our travel pack of tissue and felt mentally and physically drained. I just lay there, Jasper running his finger through my hair, falling asleep to Jasper whispering that everything will seem better tomorrow. That, after letting all of this out, I'd have a brand new attitude.

I only hoped that it was true.