It burned. It burned her throat and chest but she didn't stop. She wanted it. She deserved it. Every scorching sip felt like medicine but it also felt like punishment. She hated herself. Hated herself for all of it including what she was doing right now but she just couldn't stop herself.
Callie was sitting on the roof top, drinking whiskey from the bottle with silent tears streaming down her cheeks. They'd been fierce earlier and her body had rocked with sobs but the alcohol seemed to be having the desired numbing affect.
She had been there a while when the fire escape door opened behind her. In her peripheral vision the figure of her oldest friend appeared and she took the largest gulp of scotch yet.
"What the hell are you doing Cal?" Amber wasn't yelling. She just sounded disappointed as she sat on the bench beside the other woman. "I got a text from Arizona saying you'd basically gone AWAL and when I phoned her she was crying so hard, I could hardly understand her."
Callie didn't respond, she just took another drink and wiped her own eyes.
"That means you're gonna hate yourself enough as it is, why are you fucking yourself up even more by sitting here and getting drunk? You haven't done this shit since college and now you've got a kid and your wife's pregnant again?"
That time the brunette did look up but only as if to ask how her friend knew.
"Arizona can put away a lot of donuts but only when she's pregnant is she at my diner every day. Do you really want Sofia to see you like this? Or tomorrow when you can't stand for being hungover?" She pleaded but Callie was staring forward again and continuing to drink. "Are you hearing me?"
"Yeah my family deserve a lot better than me."
"No. They deserve better than this version of you though. And you know what, so do you!"
Callie offered Amber the bottle. "Wanna a sip?"
"No, now why is Arizona so upset?"
"She's gonna leave me." The brunette whispered.
"What? That woman loves you. That woman knows you too. She told me I'd find you here."
It was then that the drunk woman turned and made eye contact properly.
"She doesn't know everything." Callie spoke breathlessly. She was forcing herself to bring it up.
"What do you mean she…" Then Amber realised and the colour drained from her face. She grabbed the bottle from her friend's hands and took three long gulps. "Why is it an issue now? We said we'd never talk about it and it's been almost twenty years. Is it Aria? It's Aria isn't it?" The redhead was getting angry. "The bitch is trying to make a big deal again isn't she?"
"Amber, it is a big deal." Callie was so drunk that all her words were monotone.
"We all agreed!"
"I know. Aria isn't trying to cause trouble. In fact, she has a lot of right to, let's be honest. She's changed though."
"Yeah right!" Amber scoffed.
"I'm serious. Mum and Dad cut her off financially after the wedding and she had to go out and stand on her own two feet. She hated it and hated them for a while. It was another thing against me obviously but actually she's doing really well. I saw her when I was down in Miami, a few times. We talked. We talked without arguing. She apologised for a lot of shit and I did too. She wants to visit and say sorry to Arizona and meet her niece."
"Well, I'm really happy for you."
"Fuck off Amber!" Callie suddenly shouted as she stood, somewhat unsteady on her feet. "Aria is right we all need to talk about that night and what we all did. It was twenty years ago and our lives can't be brought to a crashing halt at the mention of it. Except ever since we talked, it is all I can think about. Every time I kiss my wife and when she wants me to hold her. When I pick up my daughter and push her on the swings. All I can hear when I close my eyes is screaming and crying and rage. All I can see is blood and a knife and stuff crashing to the ground. All of the control lost. "
She took several deep breaths and looked at her oldest friend in the world with an apology in her eyes. Callie didn't want to hurt Amber by bringing it up.
"I'm begging you, please don't tell Arizona."
The brunette brought her hands to her eyes and wiped away some of the fatigue that was setting in.
"How in the world can I?" Callie looked to the sky and felt fresh tears fall down her face.
The other woman stood put her hands on her friend's upper arms.
"Here's what you do. You come and sleep at mine tonight and you make an appointment to see that shrink of yours as soon as possible. You tell Arizona that you're dealing with it but there's just some things you need to keep in the past. Yeah?" Her eyes were still begging for Callie to uphold their code of silence.
She nodded. "You weren't the worst Amber." She rested her head on her friend's. "You got caught in our shit. What you did isn't something to be ashamed of."
"Come on. I'll text her and say that you're sleeping at mine."
"Why does she put up with me?"
Amber pulled back and cupped her cheeks to force eye contact. "Callie Torres, don't let yourself go back to that place okay? You're an amazing wife and mother. You deserve all the love in the world. You just fucked up. You're always so worried about not being human, this is the most human impulse ever. Self-destruction. Okay?"
"Okay." Callie agreed.
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She slept most of the next morning at Amber's and then went straight home. After showering and cleaning her teeth, she collapsed in one of the spare bedrooms.
She was rudely awoken by a three year old girl jumping on the bed.
"Sofia." She groaned.
"Mommy, why are you in here?" She asked as she finally stood still. A shadow at the door was all that announced her wife's presence.
"I'm not very well and I didn't want to get Momma sick. She has a big presentation in a couple of days at the hospital." Callie lied.
"Sofia, get down. Why don't you go find a film for us to watch in our room whilst I see if Mommy's well enough to join us?"
The three year old jumped down, with enough energy to make the brunette's head pound, before disappearing. Arizona came to sit on the bed next to where she was lying. Callie showed her the screen of her phone.
"What's this?" The surgeon asked, obviously trying to keep her voice even.
"I have an appointment first thing with Doctor Jacobs."
She received a nod in return. "Is that what you need?"
Callie finally breathed deeply when blue eyes met hers.
"I love you." She said as she reached for her partner's hand and was relieved when she could grip it tightly without resistance. "This is just something I need to deal with that I can't tell you about."
Arizona looked away for a second and then looked back at her.
"You're gonna get help?"
The brunette sat up and brought the other woman's wedding band to her lips.
"Yes. I promise. I'm so sorry for last night. I never want to hurt you darling."
"I know. I'll let it go this time, on one condition."
"Anything."
"If you get worse, or if you lose it again Calliope, you are telling me. Promise me that."
She thought about her promise to Amber. She had promised the exact opposite but then with her wife right in front of her she reasoned it was a good incentive to get help.
"I promise."
"Good. Now if you aren't too hungover, go help our daughter pick a film before we have to watch Finding Nemo again." The blonde smiled.
"You're okay with me sleeping in the bed?"
Arizona took a deep breath. "Honestly, I'm still mad at you. Like really mad for the way you walked out last night."
"I'm sorry Arizona."
The surgeon leant forward so her head was resting on her wife's shoulder.
"You can make it up to me but right now all I can think about is how you were away for two weeks, you've been back two nights and I haven't fallen asleep or woken up in your arms."
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When they made it back to their room, they found that they were too late. Sofia had picked Finding Nemo and was sat patiently in the middle of the bed waiting for the pair of them. They snuggled in either side of her and half way through, Arizona used dinner as an excuse to escape. She returned with warmed u,p left over lasagne which satisfied everyone.
The blonde then got the little girl ready for bed whilst Callie was still struggling with the effects of the alcohol. She came back and got ready herself in their en-suite before getting comfortable under the covers again. Her partner had not moved the whole time. She was still lying on her back and staring at the ceiling.
"This is why you shouldn't drink Calliope."
Her response was to turn her head, smile a smile which was still somehow disarming, and open her arms to fulfil her wife's earlier request. She was trying her best to keep her breathing under control so as to best calm her racing heartbeat.
When Arizona lay her head down on her chest though, it was obvious that she noticed.
"After my appointment, I was wondering if we could take Sofia to the zoo. It's your day off right?"
"Shouldn't you go to the centre?"
A hand came up to rub circles at the base of Arizona's back.
"I'll go the day after. They can survive one more day and I want to be with my family. If that's alright."
The blonde closed her eyes and turned to kiss the skin above her lover's heart before moving up to her neck and then her cheek.
"That sounds more than alright."
"Good, Sofia loves it there." She was still rubbing circles on her wife's back whilst staring at the ceiling.
"Calliope baby?"
"Yeah"
"You should ask Dr Jacobs for something to help with the anxiety and your heart rate."
"I don't like pills Arizona."
At that, the other woman moved so that she was straddling her hips and resting her weight on her left hand by Callie's head. Her right came to rest on her pounding heart. The brunette felt herself struggle to breathe and it wasn't like when her wife was usually on top of her. She was being forced to deal with something she didn't want to.
"Calliope." Was all Arizona said. They both knew it wasn't normal.
"Okay." She acquiesced.
Then the surgeon began running her finger tips up and down over Callie's chest. She moved down to kiss the top of her breast and collar bone. Two hands came up and pushed at her shoulders to stop her.
"Can we just go to sleep please?"
With a nod Arizona settled back down in her wife's embrace and felt a kiss on the top of her head as the circles once again started on her back.