Chapter 4: "Luna in the Morning"
For about the next month, Hermione ate like Ron in the dining hall which had everyone frightened that she had contracted some fatal disease. People also worried about losing a finger if they sat too close to her while she was eating. I asked Hermione about her sudden appetite, and she replied that if she was going to turn into a blimp anyway, she might as well eat and stop starving herself. "I'm making up for years of deprivation," she said. I finally I realized I needed Luna, the shapeshifter, to solve the problem. Considering that Luna had declared herself to be my true love, I was somewhat skittish about approaching her. If I didn't do something, however, I realized that Hermione would be 100 kilos in one year instead of fifteen years. I really didn't have much choice. After all, an Hermione too fat to run wouldn't be much use in a battle against Voldemort, ya know?
Luna, of course, leaped on me like a starving animal when I met her in the student commons. With all the other snogging couples around, nobody noticed us. Luna agreed to do another bit of time travel voyeurism - her method was more spying than time travel - and we discovered the source of Hermione's future obesity: Ron. Yup. Ron. It was all his fault. Ron's a carnivore and eats like an entire pack of starving wolves. He's a big guy and solid muscle. Hermione finally married him and Ron balked at Hermione's wimpy vegetarian cooking. It seems Hermione became a full-fledged vegetarian after Hogwarts. To please Ron, she started cooking the meat dishes he liked and ate the same things he did. It was like somebody yanked the cord on a rubber life raft. In just one year, she got huge. Somehow, Ron was so happy stuffing his face with Hermione's cooking, he didn't notice that the cook had doubled in size. Amazingly, in our research, the Hermione of the future did not seem to mind being big. We sure weren't going to tell Hermione that! Maybe she liked having enormous boobs. Who knows? The solution was simple: Hermione must never eat meat. Luna and I went off to meet Hermione and Ron.
We sat Hermione and Ron down together and explained what happened and why. Hermione slapped Ron, swore she would never marry such a pig, and stalked off. Hermione is now dating Neville Longbottom and gleefully shoves her boobs in his face at every opportunity. She's got a pair now. Also hips, a butt, and a wee bit of a belly. Neville doesn't mind. He's so besotted that he even eats Hermione's vegetarian cooking. Greater love hath no boyfriend... Hermione hasn't touched a piece of meat since her meeting with Luna and me. She still eats like a horse with a tapeworm, though. One day in the dining hall she raised her fork into the air and declared, "With God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again!" Then she ripped off a tuba fart. All those beans - she's become a walking brass section. Ron isn't dating anyone right now and wangs furiously every night keeping all of Gryffindor awake. Sorrow for the lost Hermione - the rare and radiant maiden who will snogg with him nevermore. As for me, Luna and I are now a couple and we'll probably get married after Hogwarts. She is fantastic. How many women can be both the wife and the other woman at the same time?
End of Chapter 4
This story is based on the characters created by J.K. Rowling who owns the copyrights.