Disclaimer: Yep, sections of Jane Austen's wonderful comedy of manners are directly copied into this. After a couple hundred years your work becomes public domain. Exactly why the cast of Disney's Kim Possible is filming a version would never be explained, and I figure who cares – I mean really. Hey I think this would be better than some of the filmed versions. (I don't plan on Darcy jumping in a lake for no apparent reason.)

Boilerplate Disclaimer: The various characters from the Kim Possible series are all owned by Disney. Any and all registered trade names property of their respective owners. Cheap shots at celebrities constitute fair usage.

1 - Chapters One through Five

"The film will open with an aerial view of the English countryside, eventually focusing on my home," Monkey Fist explained. "Kim will do the voice-over of the opening lines of the novel as they scroll across the screen in Chancery script font, 'It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first–"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Bonnie interrupted. "Why is Kim doing the voice-over?"

"She is the star and central character," Ann Possible reminded her.

"No, I mean why do we need voice-over? And I still don't know why monkey guy is directing this."

Lord Fisk gritted his teeth, "The voice-over is for the American audience - most of which is only semi-literate and unable to read script. And the fact most of you are Americans means you need a director with a clue about the English, something you are obviously not in possession of. Further you are using my home as a major set."

"He was the obvious choice," Kim reminded Bonnie.

"Whatever," Bonnie muttered.

"It's a classic," Kim said cheerfully. "Wade? Is the cast set yet? You haven't even told me my family."

"Here's the list of family," he told her, handing her a sheet of paper.

"Amateurs," Monkey Fist muttered, upset that things had not been defined earlier.

"It's kind of hard with the people we have," Wade apologized. "Most of the girls are pretty much the same age, so some of you will have to play younger, or older roles. And we really don't have enough guys."

Kim frowned as she read the list. She had the role of Elizabeth Bennet, and her mother and father had been assigned the parts of her Mrs. and Mr. Bennet when the idea of the film was first discussed, but they had arrived in England with most of the parts still not being assigned. Amelia made some sense in the role of Jane... "Wait," she protested, "Monique is Mary?"

"Yes," the black woman called, pumping her fist in the air in a victory symbol, "I'm a sister, not a maid!"

Kim turned to Wade, "She plays my sister?"

"It's about acting ability, not skin color."

"But–"

"Want to hear about how many times they put white actors into black face rather than hire an African-American?"

Kim sighed, "Welcome to the family, Sis," she told Monique and exchanged a high five.

Liz for Kitty made sense, she looked like family and didn't have to do much more than cough. "Tara as Lydia?"

"I think we can make her a sympathetic character if we make her naive instead of a selfish, stupid–"

"What?" Tara asked.

"Just be yourself," Wade told her.

Monkey First sighed, "Naive, got it. Can we start filming? We have a schedule. Time is money." He turned to Ann Possible, "You have no problem with your role?"

"It's a juicy part, and playing a scatter-brained nag is so wildly out of character for me that I'll enjoy it."

He nodded his approval, "It takes a wise actor to play a fool. Is your husband up to the somewhat philosophic role of apathetic husband?"

"Well, he's got the apathetic down pat."

The opening scene went well. Mrs. Bennett told her husband that Netherfield Hall had been rented and that he needed to visit the wealthy young man who would live there – a Mr. Bingley. He assured her that he would not.

But, of course, he did.

In a scene set two days later the family was in the drawing room after dinner. Kim was pretending to trim a hat and trying very hard not to prick her finger with a needle when her father spoke, "I hope Mr. Bingley will like it, Lizzy."

"We are not in a way to know what Mr. Bingley likes," said her mother, resentfully, "since we are not to visit."

Mr. Bennet continued to turn the subject to Mr. Bingley, but without mentioning that he had met the young man. There would be a ball in two weeks Mr Bingley was certain to attend. Pretending to become more irritated by the conversation Ann Possible ad-libbed by throwing a tea cup at him, "I am sick of Mr. Bingley," she cried.

"I am sorry to hear that; but why did not you tell me so before? If I had known as much this morning, I certainly would not have called on him. It is very unlucky; but as I have actually paid the visit, we cannot escape the acquaintance now."

As the Bennet women went into paroxysms of joy James Possible left the room, ending the scene.

Ron Stoppable could not ride a horse when Mr. Bingley paid a visit to the Bennet home.

"We'll use a double with a distance shot," Monkey Fist sighed. "I fear I will spend a lot of time sighing during this movie."

"Wait, what do you mean, Ron is Mr. Bingley," Kim protested. "He's supposed to be Mr. Darcy."

"Bingley is a nice guy, but not polished," Wade reminded her. "Darcy is sophisticated."

"So who is Darcy?" Kim demanded, "and you'd better not tell me Señor Senior, Senior."

"Hey, I considered it," Wade told her.

"Please, tell me you didn't. Anyone but him."

"Don't worry," the heavy young man assured her, "It isn't him. Wrong accent."

Mr. Bingley visited Mr. Bennet for a short time in the library, without meeting the daughters, then left for London.

"Hey, how do they know I left for London?" Ron demanded.

"Disclosure will come at a dinner scene with–"

"Disclosure?" Ron asked.

"Where we fill the audience in on what is happening by characters having a conversation. The family will be eating and Kitty will say she heard you are returning from London with twelve ladies and seven gentlemen. Lydia will be very unhappy about there being so many women–"

"Why?" Tara wanted to know.

"Fewer partners for you, for dancing," Ann Possible explained to her.

"Then Mary will say she heard it was five sisters and a cousin, and then, at the actual dance scene, Mr. Bingley enters the assembly-room in a party of five, his two sisters, Mr. Hurst – the husband of the older sister – and his friend Darcy."

"You still haven't told me–" Kim began to protest.

"We have musicians and all the extras, we need to shoot the ball."

The Americans were clumsily dancing a quadrille when the door open and Ron tripped over his fallen pants and fell face-first onto the floor.

"CUT!" Monkey fist shouted.

The Americans returned to their poor re-creation of period dancing when the door opened again. Kim's heart was beating hard. She hoped Josh Mankey had been moved to the role of Darcy. Maybe they'd even gotten Hirotako. Since Yori had been willing to come perhaps they'd brought Hiro too and had kept him hidden.

Ron stepped into the room, followed by Bonnie Rockwaller, Vivien Porter, Oliver, and Shego.

"Shego?" Kim thought, "what's going on? I thought Bonnie was going to be Caroline." Kim was going to fight if they told her they planned to use Oliver for Mr. Darcy – the robot had the acting range of a pile of scrap iron. Wade had warned her they were short of guys but she would not have a robot as her co-star. She left the dancers as the camera crew moved to cover Mr. Bingley making introductions to Drakken, their 'host'.

"My sister, Caroline," Ron said, and Bonnie curtseyed. "My other sister, Mrs. Hurst." Vivien curtseyed. "And her husband." Oliver bowed as his head rotated a full three-hundred and sixty degrees.

"I'm sorry," Vivien apologized, "I'll–"

"Keep shooting," Monty ordered. "We'll edit it out later."

"And this is my friend Darcy," Ron said, and Shego sneered.

"CUT!" Kim screamed.

"You are not the director, you don't say cut," Monkey Fist reminded her.

"I will yell cut," Kim retorted. She looked at Ron "What do you mean, she's Darcy?"

"That's what I was told to say!" he protested.

"Wade!" Kim screamed. "Tell me this is a bad joke."

"This is definitely neither period nor Austen," Monkey Fist muttered.

Wade hurried over, "Audiences are hungry for a twist on a classic. A same-sex romance–"

"Not her, no way!" Kim protested.

"This is wrong," Monkey Fist agreed. "But it might be very amusing – if they don't kill each other during the filming."

"Not my idea, Princess," Shego told Kim. "I was supposed to be Jane, the beautiful older sister, and got promised a studly Mr. Bingley. I don't know what Nerdlinger here is trying to pull, but I want out."

"Too late," Wade told her. "Besides the two of you are perfect for most of the picture, and then get to act."

"What do you mean perfect?" Kim demanded. "And I still say 'Shego? No way'."

"And what do you mean get to act? I'm not acting now?" Shego seconded.

"Darcy and Elizabeth hate each other for most of the picture. Everyone knows you two hate each other. Then, when your feelings begin to change you'll need real acting ability to show the change of heart."

"As an actress Pumpkin here makes a great stunt double. Unless the bad guy in this flick has an army of henchmen... By the way, who is the bad guy?"

"George Wickham," Kim said, "didn't you read the book?"

"Decided to wait for the movie. He got henchmen for you to beat up?"

"No, he's a charming, immoral slimeball who..." Kim turned to Wade. "She could play Wickham."

"No way," Shego insisted. "I swore off villainy. Besides, it would look bad for Wickham to whip your ass in the fight scene."

"There is no fight scene," Monkey Fist told her. "Elizabeth starts off smitten with his great charm and imagines herself in love with–"

"No, she can't be Wickham either," Kim said.

"Well, I'm a good enough actress to pull off either role," Shego shrugged. "I could pretend to like her. But obviously Pumpkin here knows she's not good enough to accept me in either role you'll just have to accept she's incompetent and find someone who can play the role against her lack of talent."

Kim gritted her teeth, "I can out-act you any day of the week."

"Then what was your comment about no way in hell would you play opposite me?"

"I didn't use the word hell."

"I paraphrased. Sue me. It was what you meant."

"Fine, you're Darcy. But I don't like it."

"You don't have to like it," Monkey Fist reminded her. "It's called acting. And the young man is right, that chemistry will work very well in the early scenes. Now, can we return to the dance?"

Bingley danced with a number of the women there, and Jane/Amelia twice. Shego mostly stood by the wall and looked bored although she danced once with Bonnie and once with Vivien.

Elizabeth Bennet had been obliged, by the scarcity of gentlemen, to sit down for two dances; and during part of that time, Darcy had been standing near enough for her to overhear a conversation between her and Mr. Bingley, who came from the dance for a few minutes to press his friend to join.

"Come, Darcy," Ron urged "I must have you dance. I hate to see you standing about by yourself in this stupid manner. You–"

"What do you mean, stupid manner?" Shego growled.

"It's what the script said," Ron added hastily. "Anyway, uh, oh yeah, You had much better dance."

"I certainly won't. You know how I detest it, unless I am well acquainted with my partner. At such an assembly as this, it would be pain in the ass–"

"Uh, that's not in script."

"I'm paraphrasing. The point is, your sisters are engaged, and there is not another woman in the room whom it would not be a punishment to me to stand up with."

"I would not be so fastidious as you are," cried Bingley, "for the world! Upon my word, I never met with so many pleasant girls in my life as I have this evening; and there are several of them, you see, uncommonly pretty."

"You are dancing with the only handsome girl in the room," said Darcy, looking at the eldest Miss Bennet.

"Oh, she is the most beautiful creature I ever beheld! But there is one of her sisters sitting down just behind you, who is very pretty, and I daresay very agreeable. Do let me ask my partner to introduce you."

"Which do you mean?" and turning round, she looked for a moment at Elizabeth, till, catching her eye, Shego sneered and coldly said, "She is tolerable; but not handsome enough to tempt me; and I am in no mood at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men."

"Miss Shego is really good at acting, isn't she?" Tara whispered to Monique when both were off camera.

"What do you mean?"

"Darcy's supposed to be, like, really proud. Doesn't she do a good job of acting like she thinks she's better than anyone else?"

"I don't think she's acting."

"What do you mean?"

"Never mind."

By the end of the ball scene Shego managed to alienate most of the cast, which was made worse as Monty praised her for the depth she showed in the role.

The Bennet women returned to their home in Longbourn to find James Possible sitting up in the library, reading. Anne proceeded to bore him to tears with the details of everyone at the dance.

"For God's sake, say no more of partners."

"And I'm quite delighted with Mr. Bingley. He is so excessively handsome! and his sisters are charming women. I never in my life saw anything more elegant than their dresses. I daresay the lace upon Mrs. Hurst's gown–"

Mr. Bennet protested against any description of finery. She related, with much bitterness of spirit, and some exaggeration, the shocking rudeness of Darcy. "But I can assure you," she added, "that Lizzy does not lose much by not suiting her fancy; for she is a most disagreeable creature, not at all worth pleasing. So high and so conceited, that there was no enduring her! Not handsome enough to dance with! I wish you had been there, my dear, to have given her one of your set-downs. I quite detest her."

Meanwhile, in the bedroom shared by Jane and Elizabeth, Amelia expressed her admiration for Bingley.

"He is just what a young man ought to be," said she, "sensible, good-humored, lively; and I never saw such happy manners! So much ease, with such perfect good breeding!" She frowned slightly and whispered, "Do I really have to say that about Ron?"

"Yes, it's the script," Kim reminded her in a whisper, then spoke up, "He is also handsome, which a young man ought likewise to be if he possibly can. His character is thereby complete."

"I was very much flattered by his asking me to dance a second time. I did not expect such a compliment."

"Did you not? I did for you. But that is one great difference between us. Compliments always take you by surprise, and me never. What could be more natural than his asking you again? He could not help seeing that you were about five times as pretty as every other woman in the room. No thanks to his gallantry for that. Well, he certainly is very agreeable, and I give you leave to like him. You have liked many a stupider person."

"Lizzy!"

"Oh, you are a great deal too apt, you know, to like people in general. You never see a fault in anybody. All the world is good and agreeable in your eyes. I never heard you speak ill of a human being in my life." "Maybe I should have gone for the Jane role," Kim thought, "at least I'd have ended up with Ron."

"I would wish not to be hasty in censuring any one; but I always speak what I think."

"No, Jane is too sweet to be believed," Kim thought as Amelia, in the role of Jane, praised Bingley's sisters. Kim would definitely gag if she had to say nice things about Bonnie.

On the return of the Bingley party to Netherfield following the ball Bingley praised everything about the people they had met, especially Jane.

"Hicks and hayseeds," Darcy scoffed, "especially that redhead. Oh, your Jane is a pretty thing, but she smiles too much."

"Absolutely," Caroline agreed. Bonnie still held Amelia, her predecessor as top of the Middleton High social food chain in high regard. She glanced nervously at Shego. In the script she was trying desperately to get Mr. Darcy to pay attention to her. She wondered how to adapt the role to the fact this was not a Mr. Darcy.

"Your line," Vivien hissed to remind Bonnie to get back to the script.

Caroline Bingley turned her brother, "You are authorized to think whatever you wish of Miss Bennet."

As the Bennets ate breakfast at Longbourn Elizabeth told her mother, "I'm certain Charlotte and her sisters will stop by discuss last night's ball."

"We are fortunate the Lucas family lives so close," Mrs. Bennet nodded, "And Charlotte is such a good friend. And even though Sir William received a knighthood he, though elated by his rank, it did not render him supercilious; on the contrary, he was all attention to everybody. By nature inoffensive, friendly, and obliging, his presentation at St. James's had made him courteous."

"Did anyone really talk like that?" Liz whispered.

"It was exposition in the novel," Monique told her. "But someone had to say it in the movie to let the audience know."

"But wouldn't we know that, if they're our neighbors?" Liz continued.

"Remember, Mrs. Bennet isn't the brightest light on the marquee," Ann reminded her fourth 'daughter'.

"You should have been Charlotte," Kim told Monique, "She and Elizabeth were BFF, and she was intelligent."

"Yeah, and I know what happens to her," Monique reminded Kim. "I'll settle for being nerd daughter."

"What happens to Charlotte?" Liz asked

"Let me guess, you didn't read the book either, did you?" Ann asked.

"Who's playing Charlotte?" Tara wanted to know.

"Crystal," Kim reminded her.

"Mr. Bingley seemed very taken with you," Charlotte commented to Jane when she arrived with her sisters and an unnamed brother played by Tim Possible.

"Why do you say that?" Jane asked.

"I heard him talking with Mr. Robinson. Mr. Robinson asked him how he enjoyed the ball and Mr. Bingley said he had never met so many pretty women, and that the elder Miss Bennet was, beyond a doubt the prettiest."

"At least it is pleasant to overhear some conversations," Elizabeth laughed.

"Darcy is not so well worth listening to as his friend, is he? Poor Elizabeth, to be only just tolerable."

"Miss Bingley told me that Darcy is uncomfortable with strangers and never speaks much except with friends. With them she is quite agreeable."

"I don't believe it," Mrs. Bennet replied in a testy manner. She was above her company." She turned to Kim, "Lizzy," said her mother, "I would not dance with her, if I were you."

"I believe, ma'am, I may safely promise you never to dance with Darcy."

"Her pride," said Miss Lucas, "does not offend me so much as pride often does, because there is an excuse for it. One cannot wonder that so very fine a young woman, with family, fortune, everything in her favor, should think highly of herself. If I may so express it, she has a right to be proud."

"That is very true," replied Elizabeth, "and I could easily forgive her pride, if she had not mortified mine."

"Pride,"observed Mary, who piqued herself upon the solidity of her reflections, "is a very common failing, I believe. By all that I have ever read, I am convinced that it is very common indeed; that human nature is particularly prone to it, and that there are very few of us who do not cherish a feeling of self-complacency on the score of some quality or other, real or imaginary. Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves; vanity to what we would have others think of us." "Yo, nailed the nerd girl speech," Monique thought to herself, feeling proud.

"If I were as rich as Darcy," cried Tim, "I should not care how proud I was. I would keep a pack of foxhounds, and drink a bottle of wine every day."

"Then you would drink a great deal more than you ought," said Mrs. Bennet; "and if I were to see you at it, I should take away your bottle directly."

"No you wouldn't."

"Yes I would."

"You aren't my mom!"

"Yes I am."

"No, you're playing Mrs. Bennet. I'm supposed to be a Lucas."

"It doesn't matter, Timothy Possible, you will not be drinking."

Tim fell silent, unsure if his mother was in the role of Mrs. Bennet or his mother.

Part of the inspiration for this came from a couple cheating students. I required they read an English novel of their choice and see what English social conventions they could discover as they read. Two of them simply found a chapter somewhere online which had Darcy talking about Pemberly's library. From that one chapter they tried to extrapolate a multi-page paper - and both assumed Darcy was a woman's name and kept talking about Darcy as "she." (It is a truth universally acknowledged (by teachers) that students who need to cheat frequently aren't bright enough to do it well. However much they feel they are covering their tracks they leave...)

2 - Chapters Six through Ten

The ladies of Longbourn soon waited on those of Netherfield. The visit was returned in due form. Miss Bennet's pleasing manners grew on the goodwill of Mrs. Hurst and Miss Bingley; and though the mother was found to be intolerable, and the younger sisters not worth speaking to, a wish of being better acquainted with them was expressed towards the two eldest.

"How could they not love me?" Jane commented to Elizabeth.

"Uh, Amelia, I think Jane has humility. She's beautiful and humble."

"Who needs humility when you're beautiful, I mean really. And couldn't they get a better Bingley than Ron? He creeps me out when he stares at me."

"He's supposed to be admiring you."

"Well it comes off like creepy stalker."

Kim sighed, "In addition to beauty and humility you are supposed to have great strength of feelings, a composure of temper and a uniform cheerfulness of manner which guard you from the suspicions of the impertinent."

Elizabeth described her understanding of Jane's feelings to her good friend Charlotte Lucas.

"Why did I get this part?" Crystal complained. "It sucks! This has got to be the worst part in the movie. Plain! I'm supposed to look plain!"

"LINES!" Monkey Fist shouted, "SAY YOUR LINES!"

"Well, if Jane likes the guy she ought to post it on Facebook or something. I mean, guys are jerks. They can't take a hint if you shove their nose in it and hit them with a rolled up newspaper. It's worse than trying to house train a dog. He's got money. Jane should pretend she likes him, guys go crazy if you tell them they're hot. Then, after they're married she can decide if she really likes him or not – and take him for half his dough if she doesn't."

"I, uh, don't think they had divorce."

"No divorce or flush toilets? I thought this was supposed to be a romantic comedy, not a horror flick."

"You make me laugh, Charlotte; but it is not sound. You know it is not sound, and that you would never act in this way yourself." Kim whispered, "Have you read the whole script?"

Occupied in observing Mr. Bingley's attentions to Jane (and making sure Ron wasn't getting too into the role of loving Amelia) Elizabeth was unaware that Darcy was becoming interested her. Shego stole glances at Kim in the montage of scenes which showed Mr. Bingley becoming more enamored with Jane. Of this Elizabeth was perfectly unaware: to her Darcy was only the woman who made herself agreeable nowhere, and who had not thought her handsome enough to dance with.

At a ball held at the home of Sir William Lucas Elizabeth observed Darcy listening to her conversation with Colonel Forster.

Kim turned to Crystal, "What does Darcy mean by listening to my conversation?"

"How would I know? Ask him, I dare you."

"Those weren't your lines," Kim whispered.

"It's what my lines meant. Go with it."

Shego, on cue, walked near the pair. "Did not you think, Darcy, that I expressed myself uncommonly well just now, when I was teasing Colonel Forster to give us a ball at Meryton?"

"With great energy; but it is a subject which always makes a lady energetic."

"Yada, yada, yada," Charlotte interupted. "Kim, they've got the hand double ready so it will make you look like you're playing the piano while you sing."

-Where I stopped writing -

It could have been fun, but would have required editing all of Pride and Prejudice, and that seemed like a lot of work. Each chapter in the story would have condensed/re-written five chapters of the novel.