Mild descriptions of death in this chapter, but nothing detailed or gory.
She's not entirely sure why she didn't just leave Chloe completely, release the anchor point and drift somewhere else. Obviously Barden holds nothing but pain for her, so why would she willingly choose to stick around? Now that she can communicate, she can tell her father she forgives him, she's managed to tell Chloe she didn't mean to scare her over the past few weeks and apologize for it, so what could still be holding her here?
It's not until later that night when Beca heads back to Chloe's side that she realizes she's started to see Chloe as a friend, especially after being able to talk to her. Conversation with someone who is still alive is somehow different than talking to ghosts had been, and Beca hadn't realized how much she'd missed that until talking to the redhead. Most of the ghosts she'd met over the past months had been focused on their own interactions with the world, and hadn't had much interest in conversation, other than to tell Beca how weird she was or explain a ghostly subject out of some sense of duty or another.
But Chloe, Chloe wanted to know about her, about her situation. She'd wanted to have a conversation, and Beca had been the one to cut it short. She'd had good reason, she thinks, but it had still been her that ended the talk.
By the time she gets back to the redhead's side Chloe is asleep, curled tightly into a ball as if protecting herself from something. It's not a way Beca has seen her sleep before, and suddenly the ghost is worried she'd hurt Chloe somehow by leaving. She'd never been good at connecting with people as a human, why should she be any better as a ghost?
She's nearly worked herself into a panic by the time she notices a note carefully propped up on the desk next to Chloe's still open laptop, their earlier conversation still on the screen. It's in Chloe's handwriting, Beca has been dragged to enough of the redhead's classes to recognize that easily, and she quickly skims it half expecting it to be Chloe's way of telling her to leave without having to talk to her. But once she gets through the first few lines though she has to stop and reread, certain she's misunderstood.
Beca, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for upsetting you, I never would have added to your sadness intentionally. I wasn't thinking, and I should have been. Obviously it's a big deal to you and I didn't respect that. I hope you can forgive me, but I totally understand if you want to anchor somewhere else, somewhere without strange women who ask the wrong questions at the wrong time. But if you don't want to leave, or still can't for whatever reason, then I promise I'll leave you alone and not ask any more stupid questions. You really are the nicest ghost I've ever met, and if you want to stick around, you're more than welcome to for as long as you want.
Well, shit. As usual, Beca had been an ass and someone else gets hurt. This time she's managed to make Chloe feel guilty for everything that's entirely Beca's fault, a singularly impressive achievement even for her. Usually she just manages to treat people like shit and hurt their feelings, this is probably the first time she's made someone feel like they're the one at fault.
And that seems to solidify something for Beca, something in her responding to the pain evident in Chloe's words that she hasn't felt before. She can't leave now, not after making the redhead feel like this, not when it's her fault. She has to make this better. If Beca knows nothing else about right and wrong, she knows that much. Knows Chloe deserves that and more.
So with a sigh and a look at the still open word document Beca sits down, knowing the completely unnecessary position will help with her concentration. She doesn't need to sit, can float in any position she wants with no regard to gravity, but something about taking up a position at a computer focuses her mind. And she'll need that focus if she wants to get this out in a coherent manner.
Even without the need to actually type anything out it takes Beca hours to get her thoughts onto the screen, and she has more than a few times that she debates deleting it all and forgetting the whole thing. She's not even telling Chloe about her death, about the emotions surrounding it that she still can't face. She's just explaining her current existence, what she's learned as a ghost, what she can do and what she can't. She mentions her father, the emotions there that keep her tied to the campus, but doesn't mention his name or the fact he's a professor here.
She even mentions her growing feelings for Chloe herself, though she debates that part heavily, and eventually tends towards being overly cautious in how she phrases things. She hadn't been aware of what exactly she's feeling for the redhead until she sat down to start explaining herself, so why should she confuse Chloe, or scare her off? After all, Chloe had only become aware of her existence the night before, knowing that the ghost haunting you is starting to fall in love with you is probably a bit much this soon after something like that.
Not to mention the sheer impossibility of the situation. Chloe is a human, still mortal and wholly alive. Beca is a ghost, now eternal and unchanging. And boy does she wish she'd worked that part out before accepting the offer to remain. The thought of her spirit enduring for years and even centuries is almost too much to handle. She'd seized on the chance to remain on Earth at the time, not ready to let go of her life so soon after it was cut short, but this isn't life. By definition it's the opposite of life.
Before she can get too caught up in the melancholy of that thought Chloe is stirring into wakefulness, and Beca springs up from the chair almost instinctively, not noticing that she's still focused on interacting with the world. So of course she knocks the chair over, startling Chloe fully awake and making her sit up in fear.
Thankfully the fear fades from her eyes quickly, though Beca can tell it takes longer to convince her heart to stop racing. "You know, if you want to wake me up, there are easier ways to do it" Chloe says with an attempt at a laugh.
"Sorry" Beca focuses on saying, not wanting to leave that apology to words on a screen. Not when she's sorry for so much more than the chair. She'd say all that if she could, but there are no words springing to mind, no perfect phrases to capture the depths of her apology. Not when she still has to save her strength if she wants to say more than a few sentences. No, the rest of the apology will have to come from the paragraphs she's left on Chloe's computer, not verbally from her.
Chloe crosses to the laptop as if she knew Beca would give her some kind of explanation or apology, but Beca can tell she's surprised at just how much Beca has written. Even with everything the ghost had left out, she'd still rambled on for hours, writing and rewriting her explanation as she tried to focus her thoughts and figure out exactly what she's feeling.
At least the redhead reads in silence, not interrupting her reading to ask the questions Beca can see spring to her mind. And Beca will answer them if she can, had mentioned several times throughout what she'd written that she doesn't mind the questions, that she'd been taken by surprise and wasn't sure how to answer. That she doesn't know when she'll be able to answer some of the things Chloe might ask, but that she won't run away again. That she'd made a mistake by running.
Once Chloe finishes reading she looks around for a second as if searching for Beca before turning back to the laptop and rereading everything Beca had written, this time slower, as if she's studying each line or searching for hidden meaning. The look of concentration on her face is so intent that Beca wouldn't be surprised if she printed out the ramblings and started highlighting key points, the way she does with her class notes.
"Just so you know, I consider you a friend now too" Chloe finally says after a third read through, and that wasn't at all what Beca had been expecting to hear. She knows her ramblings on that matter were more confusing even than the rest of what she'd said, but Chloe seems to have seen right through the vague half statements to what Beca was actually saying. She just hopes the redhead didn't see more than that, didn't find any hint of Beca's growing feelings in the rambling mess of words.
In the absence of anything to say to that Beca settles for dropping the temperature near the window, knowing Chloe sees when the bright blue eyes snap towards the condensation. And the smile on her face makes Beca actually believe that Chloe means what she'd said, that somehow this woman is actually happy to be friends with a dead girl who started haunting her by accident while she was showering.
And to Beca's surprise that smile seems to give her more energy than any reaction she's gotten before, replacing any strength she's lost over the past days and then some. It's enough that she thinks she could talk for hours as long as Chloe kept smiling at her like that, but she settles for writing 'friends' in the condensation on the window, trying not to laugh at the surprised look on Chloe's face. It's cliché and a little ridiculous, but even after only a few weeks she knows Chloe will love it. And if the redhead can never love her, then at least she can love the gestures Beca can give.
"Oh yeah, you're definitely the nicest ghost I've ever met" the redhead laughs eventually, and Beca knows she'd been right. She still feels ridiculous doing something like this, can see no reason why being a ghost would make her somehow okay with cheesy over the top gestures that aren't even romantic. But she is, and she thinks maybe that has nothing to do with being a ghost, and everything to do with being around Chloe.
"That's because most ghosts probably just wanted to get a quick reaction as you passed where they were anchored" Beca says, the energy from that laugh enough for her to forget momentarily that talking will take a lot of strength. She has it to spare now, as long as she isn't stupid about how she uses it, and talking to Chloe is so much more fulfilling than making a laptop type a few words.
"Wait, you mean I probably have met ghosts before?" Chloe says in surprise, and Beca realizes she'd been joking each time she said something like that. "Are there a lot of ghosts around? Why don't they talk to people more?" She seems to realize she's asking questions again, and looks apologetic as she stops talking.
Beca doesn't want her to be sorry for asking questions, especially ones that she can answer easily like those, so before Chloe can start to apologize for real answers them. "There are a fair number, but not as many as you might think. It's not like every house or building is haunted, maybe not even every city or town. Probably most of them though." Without Chloe's smile or laugh giving off energy Beca can't manage to say more than that, though she's already starting to feel more confident with talking aloud, as if soon it will be second nature, only a little harder than altering the temperature around her.
"So you think I've met a ghost then, or not?" Chloe asks, looking around as if searching for some sign of Beca's presence when the ghost doesn't answer, before apparently remembering that speech is harder than typing and turning to the laptop, where Beca had just finished her explanation.
If you went to a big high school, you probably did. Definitely did if there was one room that never got warm, no matter how hot the rest of the school was. High schools tend to be familiar territory for a lot of us, and if a ghost doesn't want to travel like I did, they might stick around there. Plenty of interaction without the need to face a wider world than you'd imagined could exist.
"Are all ghosts young then?" Chloe asks hesitantly, as if afraid she's asking too much, or getting too close to sensitive topics. And she is, to a degree, but as long as she doesn't ask for specifics about Beca, the ghost thinks she'll be okay.
Not all of us, but it seems common. Most of the time when you die you just move on, but if you die before your time, you get a choice. You can go on to whatever it is that comes next, and no I don't have any idea what that is before you ask, or you can stay. It's not a temporary thing though, where you stay here until you would have died, it's permanent.
She doesn't say more than that, doesn't talk about how she wishes she'd realized that before making her choice, doesn't mention the ghost that had met her as she tried to understand what had happened to her. She's not ready to talk about that, about how he'd made being a ghost seem like the universe's way to make up for a shitty situation. About how she's started to think he was full of it, with no clue what he was talking about. She's here, not wherever beyond is, and she'll deal with that. What ifs have no place in that. Chloe doesn't ask what 'before your time' means, and Beca is grateful for that. It can mean a few things, but she isn't ready for Chloe to ask which happened to her, whether she voices the question or not.
"No wonder you're sad" Chloe mumbles in what would be an inaudible tone if not for the fact that Beca's sense of hearing is literally not human. And it shocks Beca for a second, because she'd never let herself think about it that way. She'd never seen things the way Chloe obviously does, never realized that maybe the emotions she's dealing with are her mourning for what she'll never get a chance to do with her life. Not that she's let herself think about those emotions at all, but it still feels like something she should have realized sooner.
I was 18, she finds herself typing, not sure why she's sharing this with Chloe, why she's sharing it with anyone. She hasn't even shared it with the ghosts who have far more tragic stories than her own, and now she's staring the conversation she'd almost sworn she'd never have, the one she'd just been grateful Chloe didn't ask for, before Chloe can bring it up herself. I was about to graduate high school in the spring, and my dad was still trying to convince me to come to Barden for college. I'd just decided to give in, but needed a walk to clear my head before I actually let him know he'd won that fight. The roads were icy, and I knew I shouldn't have been walking on them, especially not without wearing something bright, but I was stubborn and bright isn't really my thing. The guy slid on a curve, overcompensated trying to regain control. Never saw me, and I never saw him coming. Next thing I knew I was being offered the choice, to move on or stay here.
She can't continue after that, knows without looking that the window will be covered in condensation, if not completely frosted over. Chloe is shivering in her chair as she reads, and Beca struggles to get her emotions under control before she gives the woman hypothermia. She's not sure why the redhead hasn't at least gotten up to grab a blanket or heavier clothing, but she feels guilty at the thought she's causing more discomfort for her. Especially when she hadn't asked, hadn't volunteered for the outpouring of emotion that comes with hearing how someone died.
When Chloe shivers again Beca makes up her mind, and by focusing intently manages to grab a blanket from Chloe's bed to wrap around her shoulders, wincing as the redhead flinches in surprise. Moving something that big more than an inch or two is harder than she'd thought it would be, harder even than speaking with Chloe, but she counts it as energy well spent when the redhead gratefully wraps the blanket around herself with a smile.
"Beca, I don't know what to say" Chloe starts awkwardly, and Beca can tell she's fighting to hold back tears. She hadn't meant to make the redhead feel sorry for her, hadn't intended to make the morning this emotional. But before she can answer there's a knock at the door, and Chloe is carefully wiping away the traces of tears that have managed to escape, apologizing to Beca as she crosses to answer the door.
Beca debates leaving the room so Chloe can have her privacy, but after moving the blanket she's too tired to go very far, and she wants to be sure it isn't the guy from last night back to mess with more of Chloe's emotions. She's made Chloe sad enough today, she won't leave her to face something like that alone.
But it's not him, not a guy at all, and Beca has to think for a minute before recognizing the blonde as Aubrey, Chloe's best friend and leader of her a capella group. She's seen her a few times, but the blonde's intensity had been almost overwhelming each time and she'd usually headed to another room to scare a frat boy or two rather than stick around.
This time Aubrey is focused on Chloe though, and Beca can't help a grudging acceptance of that intensity when it's dedicated to helping the redhead. She's quickly becoming protective of Chloe and her feelings, and if Aubrey can help then Beca is all for that. The blonde has known Chloe for years, far longer than Beca has, and should be able to help far more than Beca could.
"Oh Chloe, he isn't worth crying over" are the first words out of Aubrey's mouth, and Beca can see Chloe stiffen a little at the reminder of the betrayal she'd been through. The blonde can clearly tell that Chloe had been near tears only minutes ago, despite her attempt to remove the evidence and pretend everything was fine, and come to the logical conclusion that it had to do with the breakup. "I would have been here sooner, but my father was in town for a visit and I couldn't get away."
"No, I know that Bree, don't worry" Chloe says after a minute, tossing a look over her shoulder towards the window as if trying to see if Beca is still in the room, and the ghost debates for a second before fogging the window slightly, just enough for Chloe to notice. It's the easiest way to communicate her presence, and they both seem to have decided on using it as a signal. Beca thinks they might have to agree on a few more if she's going to stick around very long, talking is obvious and so would reading words appearing on screen on their own, but a fogged window is lacking any kind of nuance other than 'there's a ghost here'.
"Do I need to go get the breakup kit?" Aubrey asks after a long hug, pulling back to look in Chloe's eyes as if making sure she's okay. "Your voicemail yesterday sounded like you were fine with what happened, but I can't blame you for being upset. I didn't expect to see you crying though, so I didn't come prepared."
"No, I'm okay" Chloe answers quickly, obviously too quickly from the way Aubrey's eyes narrow. The redhead spots it too, moving a hand to Aubrey's knee to keep her from getting up. "Aubrey, the tears weren't about him, I promise. He's an ass, and I don't care anymore."
"If it's not about the breakup, then what is it about?" Aubrey asks in clear puzzlement, and Beca wishes she knew what Chloe is likely to say in answer to that. Because she's not really strong enough to do much to prove her existence to Aubrey right now, and isn't sure she wants to in any case. But she also doesn't want the blonde to have Chloe locked up somewhere because they think she's hallucinating, doesn't want her hurt because of Beca's presence.
"Just, just a sad story" Chloe says with a shrug and another look towards the window, and Beca lets out a sigh of relief. "I promise, I'm fine. No breakup kit needed. I'm glad you're here though." Beca would be lying if she said she wasn't jealous when Chloe leans over to hug her friend, suddenly aware of another benefit of being alive that she hadn't consciously realized before.
"Where else would I be?" Aubrey asks rhetorically, and Beca is suddenly willing to forgive the blonde for almost anything as long as she's there for Chloe like this. The two women sit in a comfortable silence for a long while as they each get lost in their own thoughts. Aubrey stares off into the distance with unfocused eyes, but Chloe keeps her eyes on the window, and Beca occasionally drops the temperature around her so it fogs up. Chloe smiles every time she does, and somehow that smile gives Beca energy all out of proportion to the small interaction that is fogging a window.
Best not to think about why that might be right now though, not if she wants to avoid giving her presence away. Chloe is obviously in no hurry to tell Aubrey what's going on, and Beca thinks that's probably the best plan, especially if Beca agrees. After all, the redhead is far more likely to know what her friend's reaction to a ghost would be. After all, just because Chloe is somehow okay with knowing the spirit of a dead girl is hanging around, that doesn't mean anyone else would be, and Beca has no interest in dealing with a human freaking out over her presence.
"So, auditions are tomorrow" Aubrey finally says, breaking the silence and startling Chloe. Beca has to laugh a little at the sight of the redhead jumping when her friend talks, she finds it funny that the redhead has been so absorbed staring at empty space. "Are you sure we can do this, Chloe? Finding eight girls would be hard enough under any circumstances, but now? How can we hope to pull this off?"
"Aubrey, we can totally do this" Chloe says immediately, moving to reassure her friend as Beca again debates whether or not she should leave. Aubrey is never more intense than when she's discussing the Bellas, and as tired as Beca is she isn't sure she's up to that. But Chloe's certainty and confidence are almost magnetic, and she can't bring herself to leave. "We might not be able to find eight women who fit the Bella mold, but I'm sure we can find eight women who can sing and follow choreography."
"But what about the Bella image?" Aubrey says, not quite arguing, and Beca starts to get defensive. She'll forgive Aubrey a lot after the way she was ready to be there for Chloe, but that doesn't include arguing. Even in the short time she's been anchored to Chloe it's been obvious that the woman doesn't particularly like confrontation, and Beca doesn't want Aubrey upsetting her today.
"Which is more important, the Bella image or the Bella sound?" Chloe fires back, not arguing but logically making a point. And Beca can see it land, see Aubrey's shoulders slump slightly in defeat. "Aubrey, we can do this, we can be awesome. We can find those girls, build a stronger team than the Bellas have seen before, and make it all the way this year." Beca has noticed it before, but she's still surprised when Chloe's aura brightens with every word, the confidence she's putting into every word showing in the energy surrounding her, and gradually influencing Aubrey's aura as well, spreading through the duller colors and soothing her insecurities.
Beca is only barely familiar with ghostly abilities, but she wonders if maybe Chloe has some ability of her own, some ability to influence the emotions of those around her. If she'd still been human and hadn't been able to literally see the energies move she might have thought the redhead was just the kind of person who you can't help but be happy around and left it at that. But in all her hauntings she's never seen anything like this, hasn't seen energy behave this way for anyone else.
"We can do this" Aubrey agrees, sounding more sure of herself now that Chloe has literally given her the energy she needs to feel that way. "Eight women on a campus this size, it can't be that hard, right?"
"Right" Chloe says with a smile, and Beca knows there's no way they can do anything but succeed. Not when Chloe looks like that, happy and confident in their abilities and future. Not even the universe itself could deny that smile.