Beca still feels vaguely protective of Chloe after bringing up the emotional topic of her death the day before, so despite wanting nothing to do with hours of listening to college students try to sing Kelly Clarkson she tags along to auditions. And honestly it isn't as bad as she'd expected, most of the students that show up can at least carry a tune decently. She'd been afraid when she heard Chloe and Aubrey discuss the song choice that she'd be in for an actual American Idol style day, mostly horrible singers mixed with a few decent ones.
Maybe the fact that it's for collegiate a capella makes a difference, it definitely at least cuts down on the number of hopefuls that show up. Most of the women aren't bad, though Beca does notice Aubrey's frown of concentration often hides a frown of displeasure as well. She doesn't know why, some of the women that make Aubrey frown the hardest are some of the ones with the best voices, in her opinion.
She barely pays attention to the men that try out, several have decent voices but they're still here trying out for a capella groups. Since they won't be getting into the Bellas and therefore will have nothing to do with Chloe, Beca mostly tunes them out. She's here for one reason and one reason only, to make sure Chloe deals with the pressure of the day without someone making it worse.
They hadn't had a chance to talk about anything the night before, Chloe had an afternoon class that took a few hours and thoroughly bored Beca. And then Aubrey had claimed the evening for 'audition prep' which seemed a bit overzealous to the ghost, considering they weren't auditioning themselves and would have no idea what to expect until they showed up and heard the auditions. But Aubrey seemed to need it and Chloe went along willingly, so who was Beca to complain?
After all, she has zero claim on Chloe's time; she's the one who started haunting the redhead without her knowledge, not the other way around. And even though she now has Chloe's permission, that doesn't give her the right to have any say over what the redhead does with her day. It's not her place at all.
Still, it would have been nice to have a chance to come up with some kind of signal code, given the lack of window to conveniently fog as they sit through the various singers. She can't do anything without risking startling Chloe in the middle of a group, and she really can't bring herself to care about any of the others beyond how they make Chloe react.
She does give in to her boredom long enough to mess with the group of boys in the back of the auditorium when they start getting annoying, dropping the temperature around them suddenly so they shiver in their summer clothing, making the few pencils they'd brought drop to the floor and inconveniently out of reach, or occasionally making them think someone had tapped their shoulder.
It's entertaining in a way scaring the frat boys hadn't quite managed to be, and Beca thinks it might have something to do with the smug grin Chloe shoots back their way, obviously aware of what's happening when the complaints become audible from where she sits. It's clear the boys irritate her as well as Beca, and Aubrey's earlier reaction left no question how she feels about them. Not that Beca can blame her, between their reaction to the Trebles and their protection of Chloe, the two of them might have more in common than she'd thought.
With Chloe knowing Beca is still around the ghost risks tapping her shoulder as well, wincing a little when the redhead jumps before relaxing at the smile it gets once the surprise passes. Thanks Chloe doodles in the corner of her scrap paper as she fights to keep her smile from being too obvious to the blonde next to her, and Beca feels herself fall a little more.
The feeling almost makes her want to run again, reminds her that willingly sticking around for this emotional torture is ridiculous, probably well beyond the edge of insanity. She has enough drama with the whole being dead thing, why would she want to put herself through this as well?
But she knows that even if she runs she'll never forget Chloe, never be able to get the redhead out of her mind. She'll never be able to put the thoughts of her smile behind her. Never be able to let go. It's more than a ghostly anchor holding her to Chloe's side now; it's an emotional anchor as well. And that scares her, more than a ghost should be allowed to be scared.
She wonders occasionally what would have happened had she come to Barden as she'd expected to, as a student and not a memory of the past. From being towed around the campus after Chloe she doesn't think they'd likely have had many areas of interaction, and she sure as hell wouldn't have been pulled into the a capella world that takes up so much of the redhead's free time. Would they have even met at all?
She spends a long while thinking about it, losing track of what's going on in the world around her as she gets lost in thought, only realizing the auditions are over and everyone has left when her bond with Chloe literally pulls her along in the redhead's wake. It's jarring enough to shake the thoughts loose for now, but Beca knows they'll be back, probably while Chloe is sleeping tonight. After finally realizing just how much Chloe is coming to mean to her, Beca can't imagine a world where she hadn't become part of her life. She isn't sure she wants to.
But those are thoughts for another time, especially if she wants to do more than let herself be towed along after Chloe every time she moves, with no idea what the woman is actually up to. And even if she doesn't get to be an active participant in anything that happens that doesn't mean she wants to be pulled along after everything like a dead weight, mindlessly floating wherever she's dragged.
And she has to admit it; she also doesn't want Chloe to think she's left. Not that she'd ever leave without saying goodbye, but at this point Chloe has only known of her existence for three days, so she wouldn't necessarily know that. And if the redhead looks around for her presence and Beca isn't there, she might think that Beca had done just that, left her and gone somewhere else, and from what Beca has seen over those three days that might hurt her. And hurting Chloe is the last thing Beca would ever want to do.
So rather than let herself drift lost in thought Beca follows the thread of connection binding her to Chloe until she's at her side, listening with only vague interest as Aubrey dominates the conversation about which women to extend an invitation to. It's obvious that Chloe likes most of them, but Aubrey seems reluctant to give up on what she refers to as the "Bella standards" several times during the conversation.
"Bree, we talked about this" Chloe eventually says, patiently and without accusation. It's still enough to make Aubrey tense but Chloe just waits her out, smiling softly and calmly as she waits for the truth of her statement to sink in. "We can't go solely based on the old Bella standards anymore, not if we want to have new Bellas. And we heard a lot of women today who can sing, who want to be a part of the Bella tradition. Why shouldn't we let them?"
Beca can see Aubrey struggle with the idea, not only in her body language but in the roiling colors of her aura, a hopeful blue fighting to be seen through grays of self-doubt and the black of rigid expectations. And if it had been only Aubrey making the decision, there would be no way for that hopefulness to win, not against the amount of negativity she'd have to fight against. But Chloe is full of hope, the color of her aura even brighter than her eyes, something Beca hadn't thought possible until she'd seen it in front of her. And that hope, that confidence, reaches out to Aubrey's buried emotions, pulling them to the surface with a sheer magnetism that can't be denied. Against that force not even Aubrey's doubts stand a chance, and with a sigh the blonde gives in.
"You're right" she concedes, reluctance coating each word. Not that it matters to Chloe, who reacts to the victory with completely unfeigned joy as she smiles and immediately starts sorting through the piles of paper they'd been going through. "But that doesn't mean certain standards get dropped just because we aren't following the traditional Bella look this year. They'll have to uphold the Bella code, or they're out." Even with Chloe boosting the hopefulness Aubrey feels there's still a good amount of self-doubt, and the blacks holding her aura in have barely faded at all. It's clear that she still feels this first concession is one too many, no matter that it's their only choice.
"Relax Aubrey; I'm sure it'll be fine. You can give them all the speech at initiation if it makes you feel better. Now let's look through these again and make the final decisions." The discussions that follow are incredibly boring for Beca, but at least they're now in a room with a window, one that Chloe sneaks frequent glances at whenever Aubrey is busy looking over the papers, making Beca glad she'd followed the two of them rather than stay at a distance alone with her thoughts.
She'll have to promise later that she'll never leave without saying goodbye though, just in case there's ever a time she needs to keep her distance for one reason or another. She can't think of any right now, refuses to let her brain consider the scenarios it tries to come up with where it would be painful to stay in the redhead's presence, but the time may come and she doesn't want to upset her new friend.
After Aubrey's protests that the new hopefuls don't fit the Bella mold of the past are struck down, the rest of the decision making goes by quickly, fast enough that Beca is only mildly bored while she waits for them to finish. She'd debated practicing a few ghostly skills while they were busy, but she doesn't want to risk alerting Aubrey to her presence. Especially not in a way that would take any focus off the deliberations, the blonde takes them seriously enough that Beca knows disrupting them would be the worst possible introduction.
But it doesn't take long to settle on nine women who had auditioned and not been horrible, Chloe voting on accepting everyone who could carry a tune while Aubrey fought to get past her initial reservations. But when Aubrey sets her mind to do something, she usually does it, and this time is no different. After accepting that the Bellas would have to take members that might not be the traditional Bella type in order to continue, she almost ruthlessly pushed away her own misgivings in order to build the best team from what she saw as the limited choices.
And as much as Beca admires that dedication, she finds it hard to keep from judging the blonde just a little bit, because she can't understand how she doesn't hear the music from the other women. Beca has always cared more about music than almost anything else, and the talent that those nine women have is clear to anyone who isn't completely tone deaf. True none of them are quite as polished as Aubrey, but what does that matter in a singing group? They can sing, and Beca thinks that's all that matters, even if Aubrey obviously struggles to accept that conclusion.
But this is Chloe's friend, the one who departs for a late class with a tight hug and word of support for the redhead even with the slight conflict of the afternoon. It's a reminder that Beca has decided to give Aubrey the benefit of the doubt for now, and that she's grateful someone is around to comfort Chloe. Especially since Beca can't reach out the way Aubrey can, not without putting the burden of her own emotions on the redhead.
Beca half expects Chloe to go out tonight, find a frat party or something to distract her from the roller coaster of emotions from the past few days, maybe find someone for a more personal distraction for the night. She wouldn't blame her, after the onslaught of stressful emotions and situations over the past few days she deserves a positive break. And even if Beca knows she'd be jealous and unhappy if Chloe decided on that route, she also knows she has no right to feel that way and would do her best to push it down and ignore it.
Apparently that isn't what Chloe wants for the night though, because with a quick look around to make sure they're alone, the redhead quietly asks if she's okay with heading back to the dorm room to talk. It isn't anything like what Beca had expected, to be asked what she wants to do, or more specifically whether she's okay with Chloe's plan.
And since she's wanted to talk about a few things with the redhead herself, and since she still feels bad about dumping the emotional load from the story of her death on her without warning, Beca readily agrees to the plan. She'll talk about anything Chloe wants, especially now that the redhead knows what happened to Beca. She might not know details, but it's not like the story needs them at this point. And Beca doesn't think Chloe will ask for them anyway, not at this point. If she does, well then Beca will face that when it happens. It's not like she has any reason to keep secrets from Chloe, and it's not like any of the details will be more painful than the general outline had been. She'll just have to make sure she doesn't lose control and freeze Chloe again if anything does come up.
Mindful of the fact that people are around neither of them seem particularly interested in communicating at all on the way back, Chloe walking silently with her head down and Beca mimicking the movements next to her. She's getting better about not needing the motions of walking to feel comfortable moving, but at times like this it's more habit than anything else, a familiar comfort that helps settle her thoughts.
Not that her thoughts ever actually reach 'settled' no matter how much she aims for a little normalcy, there's just too much swirling through her mind as they walk for that to happen. She can't stop thinking about what Chloe might want to talk about, whether the redhead has changed her mind about being okay with Beca haunting her, whether she's somehow picked up on how much Beca has started feeling for her. Beca thinks she's been fairly discreet, good about hiding her growing emotions, but Chloe has that gift, one that makes it possible she'd been able to tell.
She's not even sure what had caused Chloe's abrupt shift in mood, the redhead had seemed perfectly content all afternoon, smiling whenever Beca did something that revealed her presence, cheering Aubrey up with an unfeigned confidence in herself and the future of the Bellas. But now that they're almost back to the dorm room she seems almost withdrawn from the world around her, not reacting as she normally does, her aura pulled in tight around her as if she's pulling away from the energies around her, focused totally inward on whatever thoughts she's having.
It's not until they're back in Chloe's room and she's settled comfortably on the bed with laptop perched on her lap, new word document open, that Chloe speaks again, still quiet despite the assurance of privacy. "You said before that you were planning on going to Barden this year, right?" she asks, staring at the screen with an odd sort of focus on her face that Beca can't place. And it feels weird to be here, perched as if she's sitting on Chloe's bed for this conversation, rather than at the desk where they'd talked previously.
Yeah, it was part of an agreement with my father Beca types, debating mentioning more before deciding to stick with just answering Chloe's questions. That seems like the safest option, at least until she knows where the redhead is going with this.
"So you were going to get the full college experience then, right? Go to class, cram for midterms and finals, make new friends and get involved?" Chloe still seems vaguely troubled, and Beca is starting to get confused, not sure where this is going. Still, if Chloe is asking then Beca will answer, whether she understands or not.
That doesn't really sound like how I planned my time here to go, but at this point I guess I don't know Beca admits, knowing she was more likely to find something music related and focus on it rather than the academics. Grades and classes are her father's area, not hers, and as bitter as she'd been over giving in to the thought of coming to Barden, she can't really see her former self attending classes willingly.
"What did you plan then?" Chloe asks after a moment, looking down at her hands rather than the screen as if knowing Beca might need a moment to respond.
Probably avoiding classes as much as I could get away with Beca says after a moment of thought. Maybe see if anything music related was hiring around campus, or spend all my time on music of my own. I never was that interested in the college experience, just in making it through. That's more of an answer than Beca had intended to give, but it still feels like she's holding back. She doesn't know why she's avoiding telling Chloe who her father is or what the deal was, but she can't shake the reluctance she feels at the thought.
Chloe seems a little disappointed when she looks up and sees how little Beca has written, and the ghost wishes she could have told her something else, anything else. But there's not much more she can add about what her plans had been, especially when she'd only just agreed to attend Barden before she died. She just hadn't had time to think about it before it became a moot point.
"I feel like I'm holding you back from getting at least some of that experience though" comes the quiet whisper, long after Beca had expected Chloe to start talking again. "You stuck around to keep a connection with your old life, and from everything you've said I feel like I wouldn't have been in that life. Would we even have met if you'd lived to come to Barden?"
Of course Chloe would ask the one question Beca can't get out of her mind, the one question that is most likely to give away Beca's growing feelings for her. It's obvious that the same thought had occurred to them both, that there's just nothing that would have drawn them together without some kind of special circumstance, such as Beca's death. Given that they would have been on the same campus it's possible they wouldn't have missed each other, but Beca can't think of anything that would have brought them together if she were still alive.
You aren't holding me back from anything Beca says eventually, avoiding the last half of what Chloe had said for now. If anything you're showing me more about college life than I would have seen otherwise. And even if I probably wouldn't have sought it out on my own, that doesn't mean I'm not enjoying it. She stops there, afraid that saying more will give her away.
"I just couldn't help thinking earlier that auditions were so much better with you tormenting Bumper, and knowing you were there. Everything has been better knowing you're around, and I barely know anything about you." A little of the inscrutable mask Chloe had been wearing has slipped, and she sounds almost lost, as confused as Beca has found herself feeling constantly when she tries to make sense of the situation.
What do you want to know? Beca asks after a long moment of hesitation, nor sure how she feels about opening up like this. Even before death she rarely let anyone in, had always kept people at a distance to keep from getting hurt. And she can see how opening up now could easily backfire, end up with her losing the one person she'd still call a friend. But it's the fact that she considers Chloe a friend at all that's leading her to open up, the redhead deserves to know whatever she wants about the ghost currently following her around.
"I want to know who you are" Chloe says immediately, Beca's willingness to open up seeming to bring back some of her cheer, aura brightening considerably at those few simple words. "I know you like music, you've let that slip a few times, I know you liked teasing Bumper, not that I can blame you, and I know you were going to come to Barden for college. Beyond that, you're a mystery."
"Well, I am a ghost" Beca points out with a touch of sarcasm, defaulting back to her main defense mechanism to cover a touch of apprehension at opening up like this. Just a touch though, she doesn't want to make Chloe think she's upset at the question. And she says it out loud, knowing that text on a computer screen can be severely lacking in emotional nuance.
But then Beca just starts talking, at first taking care with what she types, how much she reveals about herself. But somewhere along the line she loses that caution, something in her taking advantage of the opportunity to talk about her life in a way that she never has before. It's bittersweet, but she holds nothing back, tells Chloe all of her regrets as well as her accomplishments. She gets so lost in the retelling that eventually she forgets she's actually telling someone else, everything in her focused on who she had been.
It's eye opening, looking back on life once you're dead. Memories she'd thought long gone are ready to be called back at the merest thought, all the way back to childhood and the innocence that time had held. It's also bittersweet, knowing that she'll never be able to reclaim those times; that she'll never really be able to build new memories in their place. She's only got one person she can talk to now, and as much as Beca hates to admit it, she knows she won't be able to follow her around forever.
Beca doesn't follow any kind of order as she shares her memories, jumping from event to event as they come to her. Chloe doesn't seem to mind, the redhead is focused intently on the screen as words appear, trying to keep up with what Beca is sharing. Neither is particularly aware of the passing of time, not until Chloe's phone goes off and startles both of them, sending Beca literally flying off the bed as if she's been caught doing something she shouldn't.
"That's Aubrey, she wants to meet and make plans for hood night tomorrow" Chloe says reluctantly as she reads the text, looking up and around as if she'll somehow be able to see Beca. "I can tell her not tonight, if you want to keep talking, we'll have time tomorrow in between classes to plan anything we need."
Beca hadn't expected that, would never have thought Chloe would be willing to put off spending time with Aubrey to spend time with her. It's touching, as well as incredibly confusing, because Beca knows Chloe needs to spend time with the living, not holed up in her room with the spirit of a dead girl. There's a battle in her head between what's right and what she wants, but Beca has a lot of practice pretending to be okay when things don't go her way, so even while her mind argues her answer is immediate.
"No, you're fine to spend time with her" Beca says aloud, proud of how sincere she sounds. It doesn't seem to fool Chloe, not completely, but Beca thinks that's probably to be expected. Keeping anything emotional hidden from the redhead is probably impossible, but that doesn't mean Beca can't at least try, right? If she lets herself believe otherwise, she'll have to face the fact that Chloe will eventually realize how Beca feels about her, and she can't do that right now. Not when those emotions are so new and almost frightening.
"Well, if you're sure…" Chloe says uncertainly, looking back down at the computer screen as if some kind of answer will be hidden in the words Beca has already typed. "Are you going to tag along? I don't think Aubrey would be okay with knowing you're around, but that doesn't mean you have to stay away. And I like knowing you're there."
"I can tag along" Beca hears herself say, wishing she had a physical body so she could kick herself. Because yes she absolutely wants to be around Chloe even if that means being around Aubrey as well, but she can hear the eagerness in her voice as surely as Chloe can, and she doesn't want to give that much of herself away right now. Chloe can have her past, but what she's feeling now is something she's not willing to share. Not now, and maybe not ever.
Chloe thankfully doesn't comment on it, letting the tone of voice pass without more than a look around that Beca can't read before answering the text. "I want you to know that even if I don't think Aubrey would take finding out about you well, you don't have to hang around if you feel like I'm ignoring you" she eventually says with a carefully blank tone, and Beca again wonders what's going on and what Chloe is feeling.
"I haven't felt like you're ignoring me so far" Beca says cautiously, wishing she could get some kind of reaction from Chloe other than that careful blankness. Now that she's talking rather than typing she's using her energy faster than she's regaining it, and the lack of reaction other than basic acknowledgement isn't helping. But Chloe had already closed the laptop and set it aside to get ready, so actually speaking is the only way they have to communicate now.
"If you're sure" Chloe says again, smiling a little this time as she grabs a light jacket and makes sure she has everything.
"Chloe, you stare at every window you pass waiting for me to fog it so you know I'm still there, I know you're not ignoring me" Beca says with a small laugh, attempting to deflect the conversation. "Besides, it'll give me time to recharge." She's not exactly lying with that last bit, she does need to regain some of the energy that talking has taken from her, but following Chloe around and staying in the background won't do much to accomplish that. Still, it's better than the alternatives, either hoping there's someone around the two of them but far enough away to avoid disturbing their planning while Beca scares a few people, or anchoring somewhere new for a few hours until they're done.
"I just wish you didn't have to be left out of everything" Chloe says, blank look finally fading as she looks sad, and Beca realizes that the redhead has been trying to keep her promise and avoid bringing up anything that might remind Beca of the sadness she still carries around, the sadness that Chloe knows is there even without feeling it. "I mean, when you follow me around, I'm out so much that following me is all you really do, and it seems like it would limit you somehow."
"Spending time with you is never time wasted" is all Beca has the strength left to say, and from the way her voice drops off at the end of the sentence, she can tell Chloe realizes she's tired. The redhead knows enough about how being a ghost works to realize just how much energy Beca must have used to talk aloud, and looks guilty for a second as she thinks back to the extended conversation they've had since she'd put the laptop away.
She looks ready to apologize, and Beca knows she can't take that, not when there's no reason for Chloe to feel guilty. She'd gladly spend the energy twenty times over for the chance to talk to the redhead, no matter how tired she feels afterward. So with a bit of apprehension and an intense focus on keeping her sadness and attraction in check, Beca reaches out to place her hand over Chloe's, knowing the contact will let the redhead feel her emotions. She just hopes it's only the ones she wants her to feel.
It seems to work, there's no sharp inhalation of breath like there was the time before, no furrowed brow that would come from feeling the sadness Beca carries around with her. For a shot in the dark Beca had been sure wouldn't work, it seems to be going well.
"Thank you" is all Chloe says this time, but her smile is genuine and bright, filling Beca with energy that makes her earlier fatigue a forgotten memory.