Okay, so if anyone wants kleenex, I have some extras left from writing this that I can share. Otherwise, you might want to bring your own.
Over the years it gets easier to stay away from Chloe's side. Beca never feels quite right keeping her distance, but eventually she just gets used to it. At first she'd worried each time she'd stopped by, the traces of pain left by her absence still visible in Chloe's aura if not on her face. But eventually they'd faded a little, enough to seem healed over even if they never disappear, becoming as much a part of who Chloe is as the pain is a part of Beca now.
Given the circumstances, Beca had eventually just had to accept that was the best she could hope for. She'd obviously made a mark on Chloe's life, no matter what she'd intended, and she just has to deal with that. At least she'd left before things got to the point Chloe wouldn't be able to move past her absence, wouldn't be able to recover.
Because recover Chloe does, moving past college into adult life with every bit of cheerfulness and drive Beca had admired at Barden. She gets a job teaching high school choir, and spends hours every weekend volunteering for more organizations that Beca can keep track of, passing her love of music to everyone she possibly can. And seeing it all, every accomplishment and moment of happiness each time Beca visits, it all makes it that much clearer that Beca had been right to leave.
Chloe has built a life for herself that has no room for Beca, the way she'd known needed to happen. Chloe would have tried to fit her in, to build around the presence of a ghost in her life, and it wouldn't have been fair. She'd deserved the chance to build a life fully for herself, with circumstances and people she'd chosen, not someone who'd latched on by accident and then never left.
Most of the times she drops in over the years are short visits, a few hours at most to make sure Chloe is okay, that nothing in her life has gone wrong since the last time Beca stopped by. And she'll usually drift by Chloe's school once a week or so just to check in, not even bothering to anchor, just taking a few minutes or even seconds to make sure nothing is showing in Chloe's aura to hint at trouble in her life.
The longest she stays is a week soon after Chloe switches schools, when Beca realizes the new building is home to a young ghost. Or at least young in age, because when Beca talks to the boy she finds out he's been around for years. He's spent the whole time pranking new teachers, and the way his eyes light up when Chloe walks in sets off warning bells in Beca's mind. Because Chloe won't scare, she'll just remember things that hurt her, and there's no way this boy can be allowed to do that to her. So she sticks around, countering every trick the boy tries to pull on anyone until he's finally willing to talk to her instead of brushing her off.
"Okay, what the fuck" he snaps when she keeps him from making it seem like the new markers are completely dry, the fifth prank she's stopped that morning alone. Even with all of his practice pranking, he's never really focused on building strength or stamina like Beca has, so it's almost ridiculously easy to interfere with whatever he tries. "What do you have against some harmless pranks?"
"Not a thing" Beca says with a smirk, knocking a chair over just to prove her point. It also shows him what she can do, because from everything she's seen him try to do, there's no way he could have done the same. "But the new teacher? If you try pranking her, that I will care about. And I've already had to waste a week of my time here to deal with you, so why don't you start listening to me so I can be on my way?"
The way this kid acts make Beca glad she'd died at 18 instead of somewhere around 14, because based on how he's acting, you don't mature much as a ghost. And Beca had spent enough time as her 14 year old self, the idea of eternity like that sounds less appealing than eternity already does. Not to mention, she'd forgotten how annoying boys that age are.
"Look, what's the harm in pranking her? The new teachers are the best, they haven't heard the stories yet, so they really freak out." The excitement is back on his face, and Beca really wishes ghosts could feel physical pain so she could slap some sense into him. Not that she's every been particularly interested in fighting, but words are clearly not her strong suit, and she thinks that maybe a good smack might get her point across without fumbling through trying to convince him.
"She doesn't need to have heard the stories, she knows ghosts exist, you won't scare her" is what she ends up saying, instead of trying to smack him even knowing it wouldn't accomplish anything. "And she knows how to get rid of ghosts, so maybe you should actually be scared of her." It's the truth, Beca had told Chloe several ways to get rid of ghosts despite the redhead's protests, wanting her to know that she had options and a choice in the matter. Chloe had of course insisted she would never need them, but Beca had been just as insistent that she know them, not because she'd thought Chloe would ever use them, but as a way of showing Chloe that she could be trusted.
And it seems to work, because now the idiot boy in front of her looks worried. He's trying to pretend he isn't, but he has no practice hiding his emotions from his face or his aura, and Beca can see that she's made him nervous. "That's not- you're lying, aren't you. How would she know something like that?" he tries to bluster; and Beca has had about enough of him. It's bad enough that she's been this close to Chloe for a week and hasn't been by her side, but having this kid as company instead just makes it worse.
"I told her, any other questions?" Beca snaps, letting him see that her patience is wearing thin. "She was a friend of mine and I made sure she wouldn't have to put up with annoying twerps like you." She doesn't tell him that Chloe would be a lot more likely to sit down and try to talk to him than anything else, because the last thing that needs to happen is Chloe dealing with another emotionally needy ghost when she's finally building a life of her own.
After that it's just a matter of a few more cutting comments and shows of strength to convince the kid to leave Chloe alone, and then Beca is free to continue on her way. She can't help stopping by Chloe's class though, watching as she divides the students into groups for practice on specific areas, pulling individual students aside to help with breathing and diction every few minutes. She makes it seem effortless, as if there's nothing else she would rather be doing, and it strikes Beca just how comfortable she is in this role. She jokes with the students, isn't afraid to stand in the middle of any group and sing with them, not even the boys hitting the base notes, something that still brings a smile to Beca's face even if the students have obviously gotten used to it by now.
She's clearly at home in her life, happy with what she's accomplished and built for herself. There's no discontent in her face or aura, only the lingering scars that Beca knows won't ever leave her. But they're just memories now; they don't hurt beyond a few occasional twinges of regret. That's one of the benefits to being alive, you continue to grow and move on when something hurts you, and when it becomes a part of you, you build on it. But a ghost doesn't have that luxury, and seeing Chloe hurts Beca just as much now as it had when she'd left. Death doesn't come with the luxury of healing. Still, it's better that she hurts than Chloe does, and now that she knows the redhead won't have to worry about the school ghost bringing up old memories, it's time to move on once again.
It gets harder to check on her when Chloe starts dating, even though Beca knows she deserves to find happiness. She'd left for that very reason, to give Chloe a chance to find someone without the complications that come from being in love with a ghost. And with Beca's own emotions just as strong as the day she'd left, seeing Chloe with someone is as painful as leaving in the first place had been. It's only Beca's determination to protect Chloe that keeps her checking in, because if anyone even thinks about hurting the woman then she wants to be able to step in.
She's tempted to every time a relationship starts to end, wanting to save Chloe from the pain she can see coming, but it isn't her place. Relationships, both good and bad, are a normal part of the life she'd left so Chloe could have. No matter how much she wants to protect Chloe from the emotional hurts that come from the ending of a relationship, stepping in would be intruding where she isn't needed and doesn't belong.
And then Chloe falls in love, in an actual love that Beca knows is what she'd been meant for all along. She finds a man who loves her just as much, one who is there for her the way Beca never could be, one who promises a future that Beca could never give. And it hurts, but there's also a lessening of the old pain, because this, this is what Chloe deserves. There's happiness, and touch, and shared promises all wrapped up in a love that's clearly visible to anyone who looks, because it's not just in their auras but in every move they make. It's what Beca had hoped Chloe would find, what she'd hoped Chloe would have a chance to find if Beca wasn't around to make things difficult.
That doesn't mean she goes to the wedding.
Once Chloe is married she stops by less often, giving some of her self-imposed responsibility to protect the redhead to her husband Aaron once she's convinced he takes it just as seriously as she does. It's a convenient excuse to avoid seeing Chloe happy with someone else, and another step Beca knows she needs to take away from the redhead's life. She can't base her existence around Chloe after all, it's not healthy, and would ultimately be futile.
She does show up when Chloe goes into labor, refusing to consider why her presence could be necessary but unable to stay away. She ends up feeling a strange kinship with Aaron as he stands next to Chloe's bed, worrying about every twinge of pain Chloe feels. He's so focused on her that nothing else seems to register, as if he can keep any pain or potential disaster away by sheer force of will. And she can't say whether or not it works, but Chloe comes through the delivery with no problems, smiling happily down at her daughter once they've placed the girl in her arms.
The happiness doesn't fade over the next few years, every time Beca stops in she sees a scene of domestic bliss that would make her scoff if she couldn't see the depth of emotions behind the cliché. It's enough to make Beca jealous twice over, once because Aaron is the one who gets to share it with Chloe, and twice because their daughter gets to have two parents who genuinely love each other, no hidden discord beneath the surface. Paige gets to grow up happy and secure, and Beca hasn't grown up enough to escape the jealousy that comes from seeing it, not completely at least.
Her jealousy fades soon after Paige turns five, when Aaron gets sick. It's worse than anything she'd gone through, she's honest enough to admit that. And of all the families in the world that could go through something like this, Chloe's is the one that least deserves it. If Beca hadn't long ago accepted that nothing about life or death is fair, she'd wonder what kind of sick joke the universe was playing. But the universe doesn't care, it just exists and lets humanity struggle along as best they can.
It's hard to stick around and see Chloe in pain, to watch her lose the life she'd deserved so soon after finding it, but Beca can't bring herself to leave completely. There's nothing she can do without revealing her presence and adding the confusion of long buried feelings to the whole situation, but she can't just abandon Chloe. Through months of treatments and pain, months of dashed hopes and growing fears, she stays close. Maybe she's just waiting for Chloe to remember her promise to be there if she's needed, even if she isn't sure she wants to be remembered when there's nothing she can do but add to Chloe's pain and disappointment.
The only time she leaves is when it's obvious that the fight is over, unable to deal with the possibilities and grief that will be so prevalent for days afterwards. And even then she doesn't go far, spending her hours mindlessly messing with jerks in coffee shops and bars just to pass the time, somehow able to tell when the universe shifts slightly as Aaron moves from Chloe's side of existence to her own, and then on to whatever comes next.
Even then she waits a few hours before returning to Chloe's side, not sure what she'll see when she does. After all, Chloe knows that there is some kind of existence after death, will she be upset that he didn't stay? Or glad that he took the chance to move on to wherever comes after? And would Beca's presence make things better or worse? Would she just be a reminder that he could have stayed?
In the end she goes back despite her reservations, though she's determined that she won't reach out to Chloe unless it's obvious that the redhead needs her. But surrounded as she is by family and her daughter, Chloe seems to be coping. It's obvious that she hurts, but she has support around her and it's too new to have really begun to hit her. She doesn't need Beca, at least not at the moment, and based on the amount of love around her, she might not ever.
Beca sees the control slip a few times over the next few days, but there's always someone there to catch Chloe before she can fall, to share in the burden before it gets overwhelming. And her daughter is there for every step, sharing in the grief as best her child's mind can comprehend. With the pressure to be there for her daughter, Chloe manages to make it through the worst of the pain with relative ease over the course of a few months, making it a part of her and moving on without dwelling on it for too long. Soon the pain is a set of scars that matches the ones Beca had left, a little more raw and painful, but no longer constantly hurting the redhead.
And all through the recovery, Chloe shows no sign of needing Beca's help or presence. It hurts, but Beca has to admit that it's what she'd wanted, all those years ago. Or at least what she'd been convinced Chloe needed, because leaving Chloe had never been what Beca wanted to do. And here she is, wish granted, watching as Chloe takes charge of her own life, no matter what challenges come her way.
She's just about decided to leave again, to go back to her previous habit of checking in every few weeks rather than constantly hanging around, when Paige brings out one of Chloe's old scrapbooks, ones that Beca has seen Chloe look through but never looked through herself. She hadn't wanted to get too close to Chloe, no matter where her actual anchor was, out of fear that Chloe would somehow sense her presence, so while she's seen Chloe look through the books numerous times in the past, she has no idea what's in them.
Curiosity keeps her around when Paige pulls one out, curiosity and a desire to put off leaving for just a little longer. After months of being by Chloe's side other than when she needs to interact with the world to keep her energy up, she's reluctant to leave, and any excuse to stick around for even a few more minutes is welcome.
And it's worth it to hear the happiness in Chloe's voice as she talks to her daughter, laughing at memories from her past as the two look through pictures of Chloe's childhood and teenage years. Each picture has a story, and Chloe shares many of them with her daughter, unknowingly sharing them with Beca as well. It reminds the ghost of the day she'd shared so much of her own past with Chloe, and makes her miss the closeness that she'd felt that day and afterwards, the deep friendship that had developed despite the impossibility of the situation.
Beca drifts slightly closer as the pages head towards Chloe's college years, wanting to see the familiar sights of Barden's campus. She hasn't been back since Chloe graduated, had said goodbye to most of what the campus had represented to her. Other than Chloe, she'd left Barden and everything about it behind. It represented too many lost opportunities and what ifs to keep visiting, and while Chloe was the biggest what if of her life, she was also the one thing Beca couldn't bring herself to give up.
She has to concentrate on not affecting the air around her as she looks at the familiar scenery, not wanting to alert Chloe to her presence or scare Paige with a random drop in temperature just because she couldn't keep control of her emotions. It's harder than she'd thought though, especially once the pictures get to Chloe's senior year and she remembers them being taken. It's almost enough to make her question the wisdom of sticking around for this, when Chloe turns another page and there's a picture of herself staring up at her from the middle of a page of Bellas.
"Who's that Mama? Was she a Bella too?" Paige asks, not noticing that Chloe's eyes are filling with tears as she looks down at the page, a trembling hand reaching forward to trace lightly over Beca's face. It's not one of Beca's favorite pictures, not that she really has one, but she has to admit that it captures her personality pretty well. She's not smiling, is only about half a step away from downright glaring at the camera, an air of challenge set in every line of her body. Beca can't imagine where Chloe got it from or how she'd known it was of the right person, but somehow she isn't surprised that she'd managed.
"No baby, she wasn't a Bella. She was a friend of mine." Despite the tears in Chloe's eyes her voice is remarkably even, no sign of her emotions giving her daughter cause for concern as she studies the picture intently.
"She's pretty. Can I meet her?" Paige asks before turning to the next set of memories, her child's attention span not waiting for an answer before moving on to the next thing, not noticing her mother doesn't answer her when she gets distracted by the pillow fight on the next page. It's obvious that she wants to recreate the fun, and that Chloe welcomes the distraction from what could have been a very painful moment.
But as Beca watches mother and daughter dash across the living room with pillows in hand, she knows Chloe hasn't forgotten. And she knows that she can't avoid the redhead any longer, no matter whether it's the right thing to do or not. She knows it might be a terrible mistake, but she can't keep from pulling up a picture of a red carnation on Chloe's laptop upstairs, wondering if she'll remember the significance, if Aubrey had even told her. But whether she remembers or not, after being reminded of Beca already today a random picture being pulled up on her computer should be a clear sign that Beca is around.
Beca has to wait to find out until after Chloe puts Paige to bed, knowing that Chloe will settle at her laptop to plan lessons before bed, once she's sure her daughter is out for the night. She's just glad it's a Saturday so any conversation won't steal needed sleep from Chloe's routine, because she's sure that Chloe will have plenty to say to her, all of it deserved.
And every fear that Chloe had forgotten her disappears as soon as Chloe opens her computer, the redhead's gasp of shock a clear indication that she remembers exactly what the flower means. Of course, the absence of that fear means there's plenty of room for new ones to crop up, and suddenly Beca is terrified that Chloe will insist she leave immediately, not wanting to hear what she has to say.
"Beca, are you really here?" Chloe asks eventually, voice barely louder than a whisper, and Beca can't read the emotions behind it, or in Chloe's face or aura. "After all these years, are you back?"
"I'm here" is all Beca can think to say, wishing she could kick herself when she can't think of anything to add, some way to explain and make everything okay. "I'm sorry" she eventually adds, not sure what she's apologizing for specifically. Maybe she's apologizing for everything all at once, from barging into Chloe's life to leaving without saying goodbye, and everything in between and after.
Chloe is silent for a long few moments after Beca's apology, and Beca wishes she at least knew what the redhead is feeling, had some way to prepare for whatever is coming. "How long have you been here?" comes the eventual question, and it's not the one Beca had been expecting. "There's no way you just happened to be here today of all days, so how long have you been around? Why didn't you say anything sooner?"
"I didn't know how" Beca says with a shrug she knows Chloe won't be able to see, answering the last question first. "I still don't know if I should have said anything this time, but I couldn't help it anymore. Not after these past few months, making sure you were okay after…after everything." Beca trails off awkwardly, knowing Chloe will understand what she isn't saying and wishing she hadn't reminded her of that pain on top of what she'd caused.
"So you were here for that then?" Chloe asks softly, eyes closed against the rush of pain she's obviously feeling at the reminder, and Beca wishes she could reach out and comfort her.
"I was" Beca confirms, wondering how much to say. "I wanted to be there if you needed me, you know? But you never seemed to."
"Beca, I never stopped needing you" Chloe says with a sigh. "Every day since you left I've wondered why, what I'd done to make you leave. Every time something went right I wanted to tell you, and every time something hurt I wished you were there to help me through."
The situation is getting confusing again, and Beca has to resist the urge to leave once more, to put distance between herself and the emotions that come from being near Chloe. Because even if she's not anchored to the woman, this is closer than she's been in years, and it feels comfortable and familiar, like she'd never left. But she had, and she'd had good reasons, ones that haven't disappeared just because Chloe's husband is gone now.
"You didn't do anything to push me away" Beca tries to reassure her, knowing that she's finally going to have to tell Chloe the truth, and not looking forward to it. "But you deserved more from life than you could get with me following you around. You deserved something, well, something that wasn't me."
"Something that wasn't you? You mean something real? Is that what you're trying to say? Beca, you're as real as I am, and so if everything that happened, everything that I felt. You don't get to say it wasn't real, like it never happened, because I know you felt it too. You don't get to say it wasn't real or that I deserved more, not after you left me to my very real pain without so much as saying goodbye." Every word from Chloe is like a punch to the gut, made all the worse because Beca knows she's right. The only defense she has is her own certainty that she'd done the right thing, however wrong her execution had been.
"Okay, so real isn't the right word" Beca concedes, not bothering to argue that one when Chloe's made her point so irrefutably. "But it what never have been what you had instead. This life you've built? That little girl asleep in her room? Is something that never happened, something that could never have given you this life, worth giving up everything you've gained?"
"That's not fair" Chloe says with a pained look. "You don't get to use my daughter against me. You know I can't say I'd give her up for anything, but that doesn't mean I wanted to lose you either."
"It was one or the other, Chloe. It always was, and I couldn't be the one who took this away from you. This life is the one you were meant to have, and the only thing I could have done if I'd stuck around was ruin it." Chloe thankfully doesn't argue that point, as much as Chloe can tell she wants to. "I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye" Beca adds after a moment of thought, knowing that's probably what had hurt the most.
"Why didn't you?" Chloe asks, somehow managing to keep any accusation out of her voice. "Aubrey wouldn't tell me anything, and you were just gone. You said I didn't do anything, but what happened?" Beca's a little surprised that even after years had passed Aubrey hadn't revealed her secret, but she's also grateful. Even if it means this conversation is going to be that much more awkward and painful, it's best that Chloe hears it from her.
"Nothing pushed me away; I just knew it was the right thing to do" Beca starts, automatically deflecting even though she knows she needs to be completely honest, the old defense mechanism kicking in. Just because she's decided to tell Chloe everything doesn't mean it's easy to reveal that much of herself. But when she sees Chloe tense, the redhead obviously spotting the deflection, Beca realizes that she needs to get over it, or she's going to lose Chloe again.
"I fell in love with you" she blurts abruptly, needing to get that out if she ever wants to make it past excuses and deflections to the heart of the conversation. "I fell in love with you, and that scared the crap out of me. I mean, you were amazing, and funny, and smart, and you had a whole life ahead of you. And even if I wasn't dead, how could I ever be a part of that? And I am dead; I'm a fucking ghost for god's sake, and I got scared. I got scared, and I ran. It's what I'm good at."
She doesn't mention Aubrey's certainty that Chloe had fallen in love with her as well, if the blonde hadn't thrown her under the bus years ago, she's not going to betray the woman now. Especially when it's still not her fault that things had turned out the way they had, she'd only done what a good friend should do, look after her friend's well-being.
"You're an idiot, Beca Mitchell" Chloe says after she's had a chance to digest what she'd heard, and Beca just nods, realizing that Chloe can't see her but not knowing what other reaction she can have. She's reaching the point where she needs to be careful with her energy, especially if she wants to be able to answer all of Chloe's questions that she's sure are coming. Her silence seems to throw Chloe for a second before the redhead can remember how much energy talking takes, and Beca wishes she could reassure her that she won't leave again, at least not the way she did last time. But she's afraid that any reassurance would fall flat, given that she'd once promised the same thing and then left without a word. "How much longer can you talk? Because I don't want to have this conversation on a computer" she asks, and Beca stops to think.
"If you have questions you want answered ask them now, but I might not be able to really explain my answers tonight" Beca says after a second, wanting to prove that she's willing to be completely honest, but also having to admit that she hasn't had much practice speaking over the past few years, and she's a little rusty.
"Did you know I loved you too?" Chloe asks almost immediately, and if Beca weren't already dead, she might have been after the shock of Chloe jumping right into things. With limited time tonight, she obviously wants to get the biggest questions out of the way, leaving Beca struggling to organize her thoughts with no warning.
"I knew" she admits, certain of that much. "I think I knew for a while, but I didn't let myself see it." It's the truth, and as much of an answer as she can give without spending most of her energy on the first question, but there's so much more Beca wishes she could tell Chloe, things that might help the redhead understand why she'd left.
"If you knew, then why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you give us a chance to figure things out together?" comes the next question, and Beca can hear the hurt in Chloe's voice.
"Because you see the best in things" Beca says eventually, trying to find the right words to express her reasoning. "Because it was crazy, and there's no way I could have been anything but a burden, but you see possibilities in everything. And I couldn't live up to that." She wishes she could explain so much more, but she's already said too much, used too much energy to answer that one question. She's more out of practice than she'd realized, and it's taking more effort to remain coherent the longer the conversation goes on.
"You're definitely an idiot, Beca" Chloe mutters, and Beca just nods again, knowing she's still right. She still firmly believes that Chloe deserved the chance to build a life without being held back by her presence, but she's starting to realize there might have been better ways to go about leaving. She'd taken the coward's way out, and she knows it.
"I'm sorry" she says again, trying to convey each thing she regrets in two simple words, and knowing they'll never come close. There's no way they ever could, not when she's made so many mistakes. "Can I try something?" she asks after a brief argument with herself, her old desire for privacy warring with her need to be open with Chloe. But she knows she needs this, needs to face her fears or she'll end up making the same mistakes she did years ago, and this time there won't be any fixing it.
So when Chloe nods Beca pushes down her reluctance and crosses to her side, hesitating only a moment before reaching out to put her hand on Chloe's shoulder the way she's done several times before, but this time not holding anything back, not trying to hide any of what she's feeling. Chloe already knows, and what she doesn't there's no reason for her not to.
She's honestly not sure what to expect, honestly wouldn't be surprised if her emotions did nothing but confuse Chloe, given that she can't sort them out herself. But something about the mess of feeling that Chloe has to be feeling seems to help, the tension in the redhead's posture easing as she closes her eyes, one hand reaching up to rest where Beca's does as she takes everything in.
"Thank you" is all she says when Beca finally removes her hand, but somehow it's enough. And as much as Beca wishes the contact went both ways, at least she's shown Chloe how she feels, not only the love that's still a big part of those emotions, but also the regret and pain that came from the way she'd left. "Will you still be here in the morning?" Beca isn't surprised to hear the doubt in Chloe's voice, even after everything they've talked about, but it still hurts.
"I'll be here. This time, I'm not going anywhere unless you tell me to" she promises, knowing the doubts will remain, but determined to erase them. If she keeps enough promises, maybe Chloe will eventually believe her again.
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Despite the promise the night before, Beca can tell Chloe wants to ask if she's still there when she wakes up. "Paige will be waking up soon" is all she says instead, her posture tense in a way that tells Beca she half expects her statement to go unanswered. But the fact that Chloe was the first to speak despite the doubt is reassuring, proof that she intends to give Beca a chance, however little she might deserve it.
"Do you wat me to leave?" Beca asks without thinking, hurrying to explain herself when she sees Chloe's reaction to the question. "I don't mean completely or anything, I just didn't know if you wanted some alone time with her." She doesn't really want to go anywhere so soon after getting the chance to actually talk to Chloe again, but every argument against taking up Chloe's time when she was in college goes double for her now, her daughter has to come first and Beca wants to be completely supportive of that fact.
"I don't want you to go" Chloe answers softly, and Beca realizes just how deep the uncertainty must go, the lingering doubt caused by the old pain that Beca's presence clearly brings up again. "I understand if you don't want to hand around watching us all day, but I don't mind if you do." There's an unspoken plea in Chloe's voice that's impossible to ignore, and Beca knows she'd promise the world to keep from letting her down again.
"If you don't mind, then neither do I" is all she says, electing to keep it simple rather than explain that she'll willingly go along with whatever Chloe tells her. She has no claim on her time, and even less right to expect anything after how she'd hurt the redhead, and if Chloe still somehow wants her around, Beca isn't going to argue.
So rather than leave or watch from a corner feeling guilty about being there, Beca spends the day watching Chloe interact with her daughter, feeling somehow included every time the redhead looks for a sign of her presence, the way she had years ago. And Beca doesn't mind not being able to participate, not only does she not want to take away from Chloe's day with her child, but after the last time Chloe had revealed her existence to someone she's wary of trying again. Especially with a small child. Even if she doesn't manage to terrify the girl, having her tell people she and her mother have a ghost friend probably wouldn't end well.
By common but unspoken consent she and Chloe hold off on talking about anything important while Paige naps, not wanting her to wake up and wonder why Chloe's been crying or who she's talking to. Instead Chloe spends the time working on lesson plans she'd neglected the night before as Beca just sits and enjoys the stillness. Even as a ghost she's usually moving, either trying to outrun something from her past or just trying to keep too busy to focus on anything in particular, and sitting in Chloe's warm presence is a welcome change.
The rest of the day passes quickly, and before Beca realizes it Paige is in bed again and it's time to finish the conversation from the night before. But even after a full day of thinking and trying to prepare, Beca has no idea where to start.
"Where are you anchored?" Chloe asks after a moment of awkward silence, and Beca's mind flashes back to the time she'd explained how to force a ghost away by finding their anchor before dragging it back to the present and reminding herself that Chloe's definitely just making conversation.
"Tree in the backyard" she says with no hesitation once she's pushed the irrational fears away. "Same place I usually put it, close enough to the house to be no strain, but far enough away that I didn't think you'd notice it."
"So you've been around a while then?" Chloe says, and Beca realizes that she hadn't actually admitted to that part. She hadn't been trying to hide it, has mostly give up trying to justify any specific actions from years past, she just hadn't thought about it until Chloe brought it up.
"Not like, consistently" Beca tries to explain, hoping she won't sound like a creeper. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay, so I'd stop by for a few minutes or hours every couple of weeks or so. Stopped by your schools a few times too, just to make sure you were still happy."
"Why didn't you ever say anything?" Chloe asks after thinking that over. "Did you think I'd forgotten about you?"
"I knew I'd never be able to leave you twice" Beca admits, hoping that the honesty will not only explain but help with the lingering doubts Chloe still has. "I wanted you to live your life on your own terms, but I wanted to be there for you if you needed me, like really needed me."
Chloe doesn't start that argument again, a fact that Beca's very grateful for. "But you've been around for a while this time, right?" she asks instead, and Beca knows they're approaching a difficult part of the conversation.
"Ever since you got the news there wasn't anything they could do" she confirms, wishing they could avoid this part and the pain it will bring.
"Were you there when, when he-" Chloe tries to ask, voice breaking as the emotions come back to her, clearly remembering the sense of loss and pain she'd felt. "Did you see him?" she continues after taking a minute to gather herself.
"No" Beca admits softly. "I wasn't sure I could give him the right answers, if he needed them."
"What are the right answers?" Chloe asks, still trying to get control of her emotions as tears silently track down her face.
"I still don't know" is the only answer Beca can give, but she wants to explain, needs Chloe to understand. "You were happy with him, and I know he wouldn't have left the way I did, but would that have been fair to either of you? You can't change your mind after you decide, and he would have been stuck here without you eventually." There's more to the story, but Beca doesn't know how to put it into words. She also doesn't bother explaining that she's realized that will be her fate, years of existence without Chloe, knowing the woman has moved on to whatever comes after this world as she continues to drift her way across this one. It doesn't need said, they're both well aware.
"Is that the only reason?" Chloe asks, obviously sensing the unspoken thoughts, and Beca knows she's going to need to find the words for the rest of the explanation somehow, even if she can get away with not mentioning her future.
"No, there was more" Beca says before trailing off, trying to think before deciding to just blurt it out. "He wouldn't have left your side, and I'd already hurt you once. I was afraid that if I tried to give him advice, I wouldn't be able to forget that fact, that I'd want him to move on just to get him out of the way, not because it was the best choice for him. I was afraid if I was there, I'd be selfish, and I couldn't do that to you." Because yeah she's hurt Chloe, yes she's made some poor decisions and wishes she could do things over, but the one thing she's never been was selfish. Even the things that were probably mistakes, at least in how she'd gone about doing them, were for Chloe's benefit above anything else, and she wasn't about to ruin that streak by willingly putting herself in the path of temptation like that.
"I told him to go on" Chloe admits quietly, tears still falling unnoticed down her face. "I told him about you, and the choice he'd be given, and I told him to go on. I didn't want to, I wanted to ask him to stay, but that wouldn't have been fair, and I couldn't ask that of him."
As far as conversations go this is probably the worst Beca's ever been a part of, mostly because she feels so damn helpless as she watches Chloe cry, knowing it's natural grief but wishing she could take the pain away anyway. She's at a loss for what to do for a long moment, before an idea comes to her. It won't fix the pain, won't erase the grief or sense of loss, but it might right an old wrong.
But this time she needs to ask permission, and the very thought of that makes her more nervous than she thinks she's ever been. She doesn't even know how to phrase the question, and ends up blurting it out inelegantly, wishing she could take it back as soon as the words leave her mouth. But Chloe just nods, immediately agreeing with a smile that manages to balance hope and the remnants of her grief.
And when Beca's anchor shifts from the tree to Chloe once more, it feels as if everything has slid into place, as if everything had been slightly off for years and now is back to where it's supposed to be. And this time, Beca promises not only Chloe but herself that she won't go anywhere, that she'll never leave Chloe's side again.
And so the years pass the way Beca occasionally wishes they always would have, the two of them sharing everything they can given their different planes of existence. It's not always easy, there are times Beca wants nothing more than to be able to hold Chloe, to actually experience life with her, but she won't take what she does get for granted this time.
They both know that it can't last forever, that time will pass and take Chloe with it, but for now they try not to think about it. It's better to live in the moment, to enjoy the time they do have without worrying about what Beca will do after. When she does think about it, her brain refusing to let the matter drop, she's half convinced that she'll end up following Chloe's descendants for years upon years, making sure they're safe and happy. Maybe influencing lottery tickets just enough to keep them financially stable. Not that she's already done that to help Chloe retire comfortably.
And then the day comes, and Beca can't stop the tears, knows that she's affecting the air around her but unable to help it, knowing that she'll finally have to say goodbye once more and hating every second of time that passes. And the cold seems to fit the somber mood as Chloe's family crowds the room, old friends and students as much family as her daughter and grandchildren as they all say goodbye.
But at the very end it's just the two of them and a doctor, Chloe insisting that they not see her go, that they have no memory of her death, only her life and the good times they've had. And even at ninety-four and unable to do more than lift her hand, no one can argue with her, so Chloe gets her way.
Beca had thought she could never feel more pain than she'd felt when she'd first left Chloe, but hearing the soft solid tone is so much worse, and she waits for the bond between them to fade with Chloe, knowing that will be the moment she finally faces the goodbye. She's not sure what will happen, there's no way Chloe will be offered the same choice she'd gotten, she's lived out the entirety of her life to the fullest, left nothing undone to hold her back.
But the bond never fades, and Beca begins to feel herself pulled along, as if Chloe were walking away at the end of her ability to move from an anchor point. It's dizzying, but with concentration Beca follows the pull, moving faster in an effort to catch up. It takes a minute, but eventually she does, and there is Chloe, once again the young woman Beca had first met, laughing and smiling as if she hadn't just died.
"Took you long enough to catch up" she says, slowing slightly but still moving towards some goal only she can see. "I was afraid you wouldn't realize what was going on."
"I don't think I have, I gotta be honest" Beca says, willing to follow Chloe anywhere but not understanding what's going on.
"I'm moving on" Chloe says, as if that should be obvious. And it is, but Beca doesn't see what that has to do with her. Apparently Chloe understands that, because she continues without prompting. "And since we're tied together by more than just an anchor, you get to come with me. I mean, if you want to, that is." There's a nervousness to the last comment that Beca thinks is completely unfounded, because as much as she's terrified of whatever they're moving towards, she's more scared of losing Chloe. She'd been lying to herself, pretending she'd be okay with it when she'd thought that was the only option she had, but she knows there's no way she ever would have gotten over it.
"You're not getting rid of me that easily" Beca says with a smirk, glad that Chloe can finally see it to appreciate the amount of expression she can pack into it, grabbing the redhead's hand at the same time. It's finally warm and solid in her own hand, and Beca knows that no matter what does come after this, they'll face it together, finally truly together.
And we've reached the end! I probably won't expand on this universe at all unless someone has a prompt that I just can't resist, but I don't see that being very likely, and it definitely won't be soon. I've got another very old prompt that I need to finally get worked out and written, and then a few ideas for one shots and the Better!Verse that I want to get written. But feel free to hit me up on tumblr at always-atyour-side with any thoughts, prompts, random observations, or just about anything else.