Mera's Journal
Chapter 5
Dear Journal,
10 more days until springtime! Oooh, I'm so happy! Pretty soon, the sun'll be shining, the birdies will be tweeting, oh yes and all the bugs, bees and all the other pests will come buzzing back as well. Oh and in case you didn't forget, we only have a couple weeks until the big opening of Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice. And that film, THAT VERY FILM, will kick off what we call The Dark Age of Comic Book Movies. We had a lot of fun with Deadpool, but now it's time to stop the silliness and let you know what get real. I mean come on, this month it's Batman and Superman clashing together, in April, we get to dive back into the bare necessities with the Jungle Book. My niece Dinah is VERY excited! Then in May it's the X-Men facing the big bad himself: A-Fucking-Pocalypse! Even more horrifying; he's played by Poe Dameron from the new Star Wars movie! It's like Poe himself said you know what, JJ Abrams? If I'm the good guy in your movie and I got very, very little screentime, then I'm gonna be the bad guy for X-Men. In fact, I'm gonna be *the*a-1 bad guy, Apocalypse. You heard me right, the world's first, most powerful and definitely dangerous mutant is finally coming to the big screen. And maybe, just maybe we could get Mr. Sinister… even Onslaught. And then comes Avenger versus Avenger in Civil War. So place your bets to see who will survive for the big Infinity Wars clash, because well, since this IS the Civil War storyline, I'm just saying ANYONE, I mean it: ANYONE can die. Then after we look through the looking glass and have fun with Steve Spielberg's BFG, we kinda go back to the more lightish family friendly fun with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. I mean yeah Bebop and Rocksteady are finally makin' their big screen debut, plus we get Tyler Perry aka Madea as Baxter Stockman, Stephen Amell as Casey Jones and last but definitely not least; the one and only KRAANG! Yes, that gooey, pink, slimy alien inside a robot is comin to Hollywood. After that, it's Universal again as we get World of Warcraft, America's #1 bestselling MMORPG finally, FINALLY making it big. Then we get the return of Independence Day where the stakes are even higher than ever, then The Purge 3 which could very well be the last one. Then in August, it's DC's turn again with Suicide Squad featuring Killer Croc, Harley, Deadshot oh yes and that lovable purple suited clown we all love to HATE. Then in September, um, I have no idea what the hell's coming out in September, oh and on Christmastime, those assholes who made us crap our pants with that lousy show Zoo is now rebooting Jumanji. On Christmas Day! WTF, Sony Pictures? WHAT… THE… F*CK! Robin Williams died last year, for god's sake! And on top of that, we're moving back to Amityville once again after a very, very, VEEERRRYYY long stay in development hell. And considering the tragic loss of the crown king of horror movies Wes Craven, some assholes are remaking his greatest creation ever made: Nightmare on Elm Street. Seriously, it was because of the success of that film that made Wes Craven the man we all remembered him as. I have a feeling he'll be spinning in his grave if he ever heard of this. Oy, I think we need a chance to make horror movies more fun again. Does anyone remember those really cheap B movies we used to see at the drive-in? I certainly do. I mean, really, I think this whole Sharknado thing is killing the genre. Literally. Maybe, I'm just saying maybe we should make a new one. Try to imagine it with me ok? A strange new cologne turns all the hot sexy girls of Los Angeles into literal man-eaters. Then we add some really funny jokes, some campy musical songs and a twist nobody would ever suspect. I think we should call it Vore. Yeah, that has a nice ring to it. It's Species… as a campy all-girl musical. Think about it, Hollywood. Think about it.
Oh, and I just heard that my favourite actress Amber Heard is playing yours truly in the Aquaman movie! Ooooh, I'm so excited! All of you guys and girls get to see me on the big screen in all my lovely red-haired glory. I just cant wait. Even better, next year Diana gets her big-screen debut after so, so many failures. Oh yes and then we have yet another Dark Age of Comic Book Movies with Thor Ragnarok which is a superhero film/disaster film. And if it has the word Ragnarok in it, then you know NO ASGARDIAN is safe. All we can do is cross our fingers and pray like maniacs that Sif and the others make an appearance for the Infinity Wars. I mean it, the clock's ticking, Thanos is getting closer and closer to gettin' those rare shiny Infinity thingies and now the Avengers are squabbling with each other all over a lousy stinking registration act. And I gotta wrap this up. There's so much ink on my hands. If you'll excuse me, I must cleanse my writing hands. Ta-ta