Accepting Chapter 5

Worthless

Austin's POV

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I angrily thought to myself once Ally left. How can I be so stupid?! Sure it was a now or never moment, but she ran off! She fucking ran off! Because I chose to bring her back and make out with her.

She must think I'm some player. Someone who likes making out with girls for the heck of it. Even though she's probably the only girl I'm ever willing to make out with.

That kiss really brought me over the moon. It was the perfect kiss with the perfect girl. And I kinda thought that this is probably my only hope with her honestly. But the second I saw her face hit me like a ton of bricks. I fucked up. I fucked up really really bad.

She must of came to realization of who she was making out with. The school jerk. The worst person to probably ever exist.

I'm such an idiot to ever think I would have a chance with her. It's obvious I can't. I'm a jerk. I hurt people. I make people miserable as hell. And she's a good girl. She wouldn't hurt a fly. She makes so many people happy. She's something to the world. I'm nothing.

And I'll admit. There's some people in the school who send me "Kill yourself" notes and tell me I'm not worth it on this planet anymore. Sometimes. I think it's true. I don't do any good to anyone in this school. And no one knows what I do outside of school so no one can really defend me except Dez. But almost no one believes Dez so that's out of the question.

I remember back when I got that first note, It was sophomore year. The whole jerk act was going on for a year now. I remember reading it. I remembered exactly what it said.

You think you're so tough. You're just a pathetic little jackass. You think it's okay to hurt all those innocent kids who never had a bad deed to their name. You already caused two kids to commit. I hope you fucking die like those kids. They never deserved it. But someone like you does. You're just worthless. You're just nothing. So long jerk.

I skipped two classes just to hid and cry. Because no one has ever told me I was worthless. No one ever told me I was nothing. No one ever told me I should kill myself. I didn't know myself anymore. I just didn't.

I picked my head from the wheel and glanced at the clock. Class starts in five minutes. And Ally's in that class. Great. No doubt she'll avoid me. I wouldn't blame her though. I'd do the same.

With that, I got out of my car and walked to the front doors of the school. Opening it, everything becomes quiet. I looked up to see everyone glaring at me.

Confused, I continued to walk to my locker. But halfway there, someone pushed me to the ground. I didn't react fast enough to stop myself and fell hard on the ground.

Wincing in pain, I slowly looked up to see who pushed me. But before I saw their face, they kicked me in the gut and a feminine voice came to my ear whispering.

"Worthless." And they kicked me in the guts one more time. This time. With a heel.

Then I blacked out.

Hours later.

"Austin? Austin are you okay?" I hear someone say. But I couldn't quite make it out. It sounded familiar but I couldn't put my tongue on it...

"Austin? It's mom." The voice said.

"Mom?" I whispered. "Is that really you?"

"Oh my poor little baby." She whimpered as she hugged me.

"I thought you left me, I... I thought you wouldn't comeback?" I asked.

"Austin... I would never. Its your father who wanted me to leave you. I was able to leave and see you since he's on a three month trip." She explained softly.

"He left because of who I was... I thought you would too." I sighed.

"Austin. I wouldn't leave you because who you are. I wouldn't do it for the world." She whispered.

"I thought you wouldn't accept me." I said.

"I accepted you." She said.

"But no one else would. I'm worthless."

Two days later.

After Tuesday's incident, the doctor said I should be okay. I was given pain killers to ease the sharp pain in my ribs. And I was later cleared to leave the hospital that night. After spending a day at home, I was able to go to school.

But as I left to my car, one thing lingered on my mind: Who kicked me? Who was that?! I know it was a girl. But what girl had the guts to hit me in well, the guts?

I sighed. My day was already crappy to begin with, sure kissing Ally was a plus. But she ran off with out looking back. She must hate me for that. I looked out the car window to see Ally was about leave her house.

Panicking, I started the engine and drove out of my driveway before she could for a ride. I glanced at the rear view mirror to see her sigh and taking out her phone call someone. I felt bad for not giving her a ride, but I know it's for the better. The last thing I want is for her to get hurt for even liking me. I can't let that happen.

I can't. She deserves a guy who isn't a huge jerk. She does. And what am I? A huge jerk. I don't deserve anything. If I could change who I am, I could. But I can't. I grew up like this.

Someone can teach me all they want. But they can't change who I am. It's impossible to change me. But I'm a senior now. After a bit, I'm on my own. No one's gonna stop me. Those people were right. I'm nothing short of worthless.

Once I made it to school, I made sure to check my surroundings. There wasn't anyone. So far, so good.

Then I walked inside. No one turned their heads. Good. I kept my head up for anyone who's gonna do something bad. Lucky for me, I made it to my locker with no one pushing me. I looked across the hall to see Ally. I smiled a little. But the smile let all too soon when a guy came and kissed her... She... She got a boyfriend? Since when?! How? Why?

My heart started to break when she giggled and pecked his cheek. She then look over his shoulder and saw me. She glared. She shook her head and turned back at him. A moment later, he turned his head and shot daggers at me. Afterwards, he grabbed her hand and left.

By now, my heart was nothing but dust. She has a boyfriend. She has a fucking boyfriend. A boyfriend that's not me... But I should've seen it coming. Why on earth would she even?

I tried to shake the tears in my eyes and failed miserably. Fuck class. I went to the dark corner of the school and sat there. I brought my knees up and cried.

Cried because the girl I love so much... Doesn't love me. But it's okay. I can't have her anyways. I'm worthless.

A/N: AUSTIN! MY POOR BABY HE THINKS HE'S WORTHLESS! -Insert 2000 crying emojis- He's not worthless. He's not worthless... I'm crying rn I can't imagine Austin thinking this way. He may act like cold, selfish jerk, but poor boy doesn't know any better(spoiler lol). He doesn't deserve shit from others. In fact, no one deserves notes from others telling them to kill themselves. Ever. Regardless of how much you hate them, you should never ever encourage something as cruel and depressing as suicide. So, think before you do. If you wanna talk, I'm here for you guys. :) And for the rest of this story, if you're homophobic (Actually, if you are, you need some help because no.) don't read like... The rest of the story. If you are okay with gay couples (If you are, you don't need help. And ps. SPOILER.) Then you may read on.

~BNYC