A.N: Very happy to see the reviews this fic has gotten. It means a lot to me. Remember the timeline in this fic is way off the original show's season four timeline.
Check out my longer fic Dangerous Affection that is still ongoing. It is a Chair rewrite of season 1.01-1.07.
Disclaimer: I a do not own Gossip Girl.
"A Mr. Archibald and a Miss van der Woodsen," I was informed.
"I don't know them," I bite out annoyed and hoping they would just go away. In the background, I heard Serena yell that she was my sister. I blanched. She was desperate. I threw back the last of the amber liquid that remained in my glass while shutting off my tablet. Informing the door attendant that they could come up I tried to ready myself for their visit. I knew that whatever this was it was no good. Nate and I texted regularly so he would have mentioned a trip to London if this was planned. Soon the elevator brought up my uninvited guest.
"Nathaniel, sis," I said casually as if a year had not gone by. Nate was soaked from the rain that was pouring down while Serena looked dry as a bone as she took off her trench and placed the umbrella by the entrance. I started at them longer than usual trying to determine if they were here running from something or here to talk to me. "Come Nathaniel, I'll show you a guest room so you can dry off rather than drip on my carpet. Make yourself a drink, sis," I said in a way to show her I heard her comment over the phone. She never played the sister card and now I was definitely going to hold her to it.
"I was the one who brought the umbrella and I look like this," Nate said comically. His joke did nothing to relieve the tension in the room nor did it make anyone smile.
Walking through the vast penthouse, I was uneasy. No one has entered up here besides the help. The few women I took in London when I was extremely lonely never came up here. This was my own personal hell of sort. My loneness and guilt touched every surface from the stark glass windows along the length to the black future and steel accents. Devoid of color. Devoid of life. I looked over my shoulder to see Nate shaking the water out of his hair and felt reassured that Nate would not see my décor as a reflection of myself.
"There should be towels and a bathrobe in bath," I told him as I opened the door. Even though I never had company, my interior designer staged each room with enough of the essentials in each room. I think I even had bakeware for some reason.
"Chuck," Nate reached out for me desperation laced into my name. I eyed him suspiciously. Nathaniel always showed his hand too soon. "You need to come back, man."
"New York is not where I belong," I told him.
"She needs you." I was only grateful he did not say her name aloud. I looked away from him afraid that the past year made me worse at hiding my feelings. The mask was not needed in a world where no one knew the real me. I did not answer him and I hoped he would just enter the room. "When I gave her up at the end of high school, I thought I was giving her to you not some actual Prince Charming. She is playing pretend with this guy. We all know it. But she is shutting everyone out after… look she needs you. No one gets her like you do. You need her too," Nate told me. I realized then that in the year I was gone Nathaniel really did grow up.
"That is long over. History," I lied coolly. I was happy that still came easy to me. He looked at me questionably. Apparently, Nate also became smarter. I wanted to roll my eyes at his stare down mine was better than that by kindergarten. "Listen, I know you are trying to be a friend and think you are doing what is best for me-"
"No. I am not here to do what is best for you Chuck. I am here to do what is best for her. For the girl I spent half my life thinking I was going to marry. For the girl I loved first. I am here hopping that I let her go to the man that was actually going to be stand by her side and love her," Nate spat out angrily. I began to question the past two years and his feelings for Blair. Quickly the jealousy that Nate caused in Blair's relationship and mine came tumbling back.
"Look here Nathaniel. No. one. No one will ever love her the way I do. You especially," I said with more fire than I had outside of the boardroom in months. The challenge that I did not love Blair was insulting to my ego and my pride took over. He dragged his hand over his face and into his hair as he searched for words. Then he smiled.
"So there is hope," he said. I realized then I walked into his trap. Nathaniel got game it seemed. I nodded at him and walked away back into the living room. I was on edge knowing that they were here to speak about Blair and not for their own issues.
The blonde flowing hair seemed out of place in the masculine room and she looked even more uncomfortable. She was pacing in the area in front of the black loveseat. I took a seat in the chrome armchair that faced the loveseat opposite. She came choose the matching chrome armchair and looked right at me. She was here to talk. I looked at her and instantly when our eyes met, hers filled with tears.
"You never tried to get into contact with me," she said sadly. The guilt was instantly eating at me. It was true I texted Nate, skyped with Eric, had weekly calls with Lily and even sent Blair flowers after her accident.
"I thought you were going to be team Blair," I answered weakly. I felt my throat tighten and I wished I had poured myself a drink.
"I was… I am… No there are no teams. Maybe team Blair and Chuck. But the Non-Judging Breakfast Club, remember," she reached out to hold my hand and I nodded in responded. I was afraid my voice would crack or something. This was the most real sincere human interaction I had in a long time. After the rain and pictures of Blair, I was already raw. "When Nate told me he was coming I needed to come see you myself. When you went missing, we were all so worried. At first, I thought you were being good to Blair to give her that space but then it was going on two months and everyone was worried. Mom would have these nightmares of you alone in a hospital or dead on a street and me and Eric would spend the entire afternoon calling hospitals in Europe and Asia. We had P.I.s on you in every freaking continent. And I… I," was all she got out before the crying took over. Standing up and grabbing her for a hug was second nature. The protective feelings that overtook me for Van der woodsen was ever so strong.
They were the family that took me in and loved me for my flaws. My family. We shared no blood or last name but Lily always treated me as hers. Eric and Lily I bonded with so quickly. While I never thought my sibling relationship with Serena was that strong I realized in this moment that in the distance it grew. Serena was the person that I could slip and tell my feelings about Blair to. The person who knew what it was like to try to outgrow the image you created for yourself before you were even eighteen. The one who grew up in a one-parent household for most of their lives, and in many ways she understand my sadness better than Nathaniel did. When she stopped crying I pulled away from her and told her, I was making us drinks.
"Yes. Liquor is needed," she was trying to smiled.
"I am sorry I never called or text or whatever. But I did in fact miss you," I told her. And she beamed from across the bar. "I here that you are still trying to decide if you want Golden Boy or Lonely boy," I teased.
"That's a story for another day," she said shaking her head.
"Happy to see that Serena and revolving men problems are still a thing," I joked handing her the martini I made.
"Shut up, Chuck," she retorted but it lacked its usual bite. Finished making Nathaniel and my drink I brought them over to the couch where Serena and I sat next to each other.
"We all miss you Chuck, but Blair needs you," she told me.
"No she doesn't," I said with less aggression than I used on Nathaniel.
"She does," Nate said joining us in robe while dying his hair. I rolled my eyes. He sat to our left on the loveseat and grabbed the drink. He finished it quickly.
"Umm…maybe I should start," Serena said while looking at Nate after the silence was beginning to build.
"No I need to. I lied to you. I am no good at phone calls. When you called after Blair's accident, I did not know what to say. That is why I needed to come and see and look you in the eye you before I told you" Nate began. The idea that Blair was somehow more hurt than a fractured right wrist gave me chills as I straight up straighter. Nate and Serena shared a look before he started again. "She is… I mean she was…fuck," Nate rambled on.
"She was pregnant Chuck," Serena said blurted out quickly with no tact.
The breath I was going to take never made it to my lungs. The world stopped in that moment. Blair, my Blair was going to be a mother to another man's child. The feelings that I felt when I discovered the engagement four months ago came rushing back to me. She did not need me in her world anymore. She was living another life without me. I stood up and walked over to the bar. Grabbing the stainless steel metal surface, I bowed my head urging myself to calm down when all I wanted to do was destroy every piece of glass in the room. Blair with another man hurt like hell but the idea that she created something with someone else stung me. She created a life with someone. No matter all the kink and roleplaying we did together Louis shared something with her that I never did. I could just imagine her being the most amazing mother and reading all those baby books with a fierce paranoia. I would have calmed all of her fears about the baby while ensuring every craving and desire was satisfied. Banging down onto the surface, I let out a growl that I was trying to hold down.
"Chuck," I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned quickly. I almost forgot they were here. They were not supposed to be here. This was my place. The anger must have radiated off me since Nate took his hands off as soon as we shared eye contact. "There is more." I did not know if I could take more. I stood with my back pressed again the bar.
"Tell me," I told them afraid to move and walk back to them.
"She lost the baby in the accident Chuck. Now she is losing herself. She needs you. You are the only one who gets through to her. Louis always needs to return to Monaco. She is alone." Nate said. When I was silent, long enough he moved away from me and back to the sitting area.
"I am only the darkness that brings her down. If I go, I am only going to cause her ruin faster. Anyway, she is engaged. That is not something she would do lightly she must love him. I rather her be happy with someone else than chase after her and make her miserable" I said moved back to join them. I took a defeated seat and joined them.
We did not really speak for a while after that. I was lost in my thoughts of Blair. Nate and Serena kept looking at each other. Finally, Serena got up to refill our drinks. I listened to her mix the cocktail shaker rapidly to make up for the silence in the room. I enjoyed the silence. It was my new normal. When the drink was passed into my hand, I studied it. Martinis were Blair's drink when she wanted a buzz. I only ever drank scotch. Nevertheless, when I had the bar stocked I had it stocked with the best scotch and the ingredients for Blair's drink along with her favorite Dom. Gin, not vodka, vermouth, and martini olives with a cocktail shaker on hand, and the best martini glasses. I never expected her to come here but sometimes I got lost in daydreams of her showing up and I would offer her a drink. Then I would make love to her on the bar. But it would never happen. She would not look good against the stainless steel counter. She always looked better against my dark wood bar in the Palace suite or the black bar in the penthouse in the Empire.
"What I am saying never leaves this room. I am only doing this because I think it is in Blair best interest," Serena said starting me from my thoughts. Placing the untouched drink on the coffee table, I turned to look at her.
"Blair was four months pregnant…," she said slowly looking back and forth between Nate and I letting her voice trail off.
"She has only been engaged for four months. So you are saying that they only…" I stopped myself before I finished my sentence. I would not matter I told myself. I needed to stay away from her. Her life was better when I was not a part of it. I was silent.
"Chuck, why are you doing this? You still love her. You just told me no one will love her the way you do," Nate said clearly frustrated with my silence.
"Don't you get it? Love was never the problem. As much as I love her and need her what she needs is me out of her life," I spat at them. Who were they to show up here and demand that I seek out Blair?
"Bullshit!" Serena said yelling as she jumped up from her seat. She began pacing again until she stopped and looked right at me. "I was there after her accident. Louis was on a plane somewhere. Her parents in France, so I was the only one there when the doctor told her she lost the baby. You know Blair. She piles so much on one idea and that baby was it. It was all she talked about… it was the only thing that made her really smile these past months. When the doctor told her, she was hysterical… I've never seen… they needed to sedate her with a mediation. Chuck, it was not Louis or the baby she was crying out for it was you. She was sobbing out your name. I thought she was over you too. But she isn't. She's not. You're what she wanted in her darkness moment. What she needed" The tears were streaming softly down her eyes as she sat down again looking to the floor. Nate looked down as well.
"We leave tomorrow at 7am," I said as I got up and walked to my bedroom before Serena's words pierce me too deep. I was never the type to let those around me see into my emotions and I was not going to start now.
As soon my head hit the bed the images of Blair in a hospital room crying out for me began to break me apart. I felt actual pain in my heart at the images of a hysterical calling out for me while I failed to show up. I lifted half my body on my elbow as I leaned over the bed and grabbed the photograph I kept on my night table. It was a solo shot of her. The same shot I had paid a person take of her when she was feeling down about NYU. I told her then that when she forgot she was Blair Waldorf to remember that I am Chuck Bass and I loved her. I kept it there for the same purpose to remind myself that I am Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf once loved me. Even if it was only just once, it was enough. I am coming to atone I told the photograph. Placing it back on the night table I laid my head on the pillow staring at the photo until my eyes began too heavy my final thoughts were about Dumbo's magic feather.
In the morning, Serena reminded that Eric was graduating from high school in four days and if I would stay in the city to attend. I packed enough suits for a week unsure about how my meeting with Blair would go or even what I wanted to say. Nate and Serena had fallen asleep but the nerves were keeping me wild awake. We were flying somewhere over the ocean in the Bass Industries Jet when my phone rang. An unknown number to my very private cell phone was strange. Only certain people ever received this number.
"Hello," I asked curiosity.
"Hello. It is Anne, do you remember me, Sir," the voice asked. I remembered the girl in Prague instantly.
"Yes. Of course, Anne. How are you? Is everything okay?" I asked concerned. It has been almost eight months since I had given her this number and she never called before.
"Yes. But I am just calling to say thank you Mr… I don't know your name," she told.
"Just call me Chuck," I told her. She told me all about her experience while apologizing for not calling sooner. She explained that at first she hated me as she detoxed and adjusted to the lonely environment in her broken English. Then she was ashamed for hating me and did not call but she was encouraged by a nun at the home she was it. She wanted my forgiveness and I gave it quickly and asked for where I could send her mail. I wanted to send her money and thank her for what she did for me too. She told me she wanted to write about me for an essay she was writing but did not even know my name. We laughed over it.
"Did you apologize to your woman?" she asked with all the curiosity of a teenage girl.
"Planning to but not yet," I informed her with a smile at the irony of Anne calling me today.
"Good. That is good," she told me. "Father Dominic says that before we ask for forgiveness we must try to forgive ourselves."
"What I did to her I can't forgive myself for. Plus wallowing in guilt makes me feel better," I tried to explain. I needed someone to understand why I lived in my own induced misery.
"That's no good so what do you do for fun?" she asked. It was a youthful question that struck me. I do not really do anything for fun these days.
"I look at her photo," I explained weakly. There is something about talking to a stranger that makes it easier than my own friends. I glanced at them to make sure they were still sleeping.
"Father Dominic says it is not good to live in the past," she informed. The past was all I had.
"Well I am great at it," I retorted as I rolled my eyes at her foolish wisdom.
"I'll pray for you. You brought me out of the darkness I want the same for you. Remember when I thought money was everything. It isn't. Love, faith, and hope are everything," she shared with me. I could not help but smile at her kindness for others over herself. I wondered if like Blair she had a bad streak and if some boy would come around to break her heart.
I wanted to make a joke about this is what happens when I send her to Catholic orphanage but I withheld. "Thank you Anne," was all I could muster with a slight chuckle but thanked her again as we said our goodbyes. Long after our conversation, I thought back to what she said. Living in the past was the only thing I did these days. She was right I was still in the darkness. Yes, I was successful in business but I was still only a shell of myself. I knew I loved Blair that was a given but I lost the faith that I had in our relationship being inevitable. Hope was scary to me. The last time I hope for something was when I waited on the top of the Empire State Building for Blair to show up. Yet, when I stepped off the plane in New York my mantra in mind were her words: love, faith, and hope.
When we got to city at nine in the morning New York time and I want to go straight to see Blair. But Serena persuaded me to first stop by and see Lily. I did and within moments, I was agreeing to stay until Eric's graduation. Leaving the Van der Woodsen penthouse, I was feeling lighter and freer than ever before. I left loved and cared for in a way that I thought was lost to me years ago. No matter how things at Blair's turned out, I was going to have gained something from this trip. My family. I was even considering moving to New York City once Blair relocated with her Prince.
When the elevator opened on to the penthouse the memories of Blair and I came back to me. It felt like I was coming home. Dorota looked shocked but happy to see me. As I stepped into the threshold, I was surprised to be grabbed and hugged by her.
"We have been very worried Mister Chuck," was all she said before she walked to the stair to yell out to her charge that she had a visitor.
I stood in the foyer watching the stairs until she slowly came into view. I took in every part of her as she wore a navy dress wrap dress with neon green piping with blue and white pumps. She looked beautiful and classy as ever. The photos I stared failed to capture her aura and her glow. She truly was breathtaking. Her eyes widened as she realized I was her visitor and my name silently fell from her lips as if she was breathing it out. I walked to the foot of the stairs entranced by her without a word. It was like her presence was pulling my heart towards her and I lost control of my body for my heart belonged only to her. She stopped at the last step. Reaching out with her left hand, she cupped my face. My eyes closed as I pressed my head into her hand. It was only when I felt the ring on her finger that I stood up straight again and righted my posture. My ring never made it to her finger. Her hand fell to her side.
"Are you back for good?" she whispered to me and I could see her hands trembling as she grasped them tightly together.
"No. I am in town for Eric graduation," I lied. She gave me a sad soft smile. "Congratulations are in order. I've seen your picture all over the place," I told her with a tight forced smile.
"Thank you. And you, I have seen your photo in the paper constantly especially in Forbes. Bass Inc. European Branch is soaring," she complimented. I wonder if she stared at my photos the way I did hers.
"I wanted to earn the company's respect. Hopefully become a better person. The person you always thought I could be," I said thinking of the photo that set by my bed that watched over me.
"You were always that person. It had nothing to do with me Chuck. I loved you because you were was always brilliance in you even in the darkest moment," Loved as in use to love. No longer. My hopes at whatever I was trying to accomplish here were diminished.
"Blair I am sorry for everything. I am sorry I never told you I loved you when I did. I am sorry for running away from you at every turn. I am sorry for treating you like property. I am sorry for not waiting at the Empire State Building. I am sorry I casted so much darkness into your life. I am sorry that my love destroyed you," I confessed to her as a single tear fell down her face. She wiped it with her left hand.
"You did not destroy me. It takes more than even Chuck Bass to destroy me. If I am what is keeping you from living here in New York and from your family than you should come back Chuck they miss you…. I miss you," she whispered to me. I wanted nothing more than to reach out to her. So I did. My hand lightly held on to her cheek and I leaned in to kiss her. She pulled away and looked down.
"I am engaged to be married." She looked down to her hands. One had a cast and the other had a ring.
"Yes, of course. I just came to apologize and say hi," I told her as I stepped back and ran my hand through my hair feeling foolish. "You look ravishing," came out of my mouth before I could stop myself.
She looked away almost as if I had pained her. "I have an appointment I need to go to," she told me. I reached for her hand to kiss it goodbye when I remembered the ring. I grabbed her face softly and leaned in to kiss her forehead. She leaned into me and sighed. I took the time to smell her hair as I kissed the crown of her head again. My lips were tingling and my body was yelling at me to take her then and now. But she made her choice. I knew I would always love her and she would always love me in her way.
I weakly nodded and walked into the elevator away from her. My fingers were still tingling from her touch. Every fiber in my body was burning and yelling for me to grab her. She came and walked right in front of the elevator watching the door close. She smiled at me in the way I only ever see her give to me. My name fell from her lips silently again. I wanted more of Blair because in reality she is so much better than those damn pictures.
A.N: This was always the intended ending of this fic. I know it seems like not ending at all. But it really was supposed to be a beginning now that Chuck is over atoning. I know readers might not be expecting that but when I began this, I was not thinking a cookie cutter happy ever after. Anne is the white light and her words are supposed to give hope that Blair and Chuck are not over. Chuck I think needed to forgive himself, which he is beginning to do here before he can seriously enter a relationship with Blair. It takes him until season five to show up actually say I am sorry for all the shit that happened in season 3.
However, due to the amount of people who really wanted Blair to be the person coming into his apartment I have the feeling not many will be happy about this ending. Honestly, I am not that happy now so I will post a third and FINAL chapter. That is going to a 'happier ending' for Chair fans and we will see more of Blair's feelings about everything since she really holds back here.
Lets me know what you think, Best.