"Steve, I have to tell you more things." Eleanore kept her eyes on the rode and her voice carefully neutral.
"Can they wait?" Steve asked. He knew he was being rude, but why had no one told him about Peggy? Even Eleanore, who he'd trusted… But no, he shook his head. She thought you already knew.
"They cannot," Eleanore was replying, her body language tensing further. "It's about Peggy… She—"
"How long have you known her?" Steve asked harshly, interrupting her.
"I met her when I was around ten years-old, actually. But that's not important because—"
"No, I think I'll decide what's important." Steve was getting angrier the more he spoke. "Because everyone else seems to have pretty damn different ideas of what's important to me and what's not."
"If you'd just let me—"
"What!" the volume of his own voice made Steve, along with everyone in the car, jump slightly. It wasn't his loudest, but it was louder than he usually let himself get, and in the enclosed space of the car it reverberated unpleasantly. He didn't care. "Are there more people alive I knew? Did everyone survive except me? Is SHIELD really run by Agent Hill? Didn't Peggy tell you about me? Didn't you know I'd want to see her again? I know she's ninety-three…" Steve trailed off, realizing just how old Peggy must be. He'd never asked after her, not feeling close enough to anyone at SHIELD to do so. He'd never asked after any of the Commandos, he recalled, because he'd assumed they were all dead. His racing heart went cold as he thought about seeing Peggy after all this time. She'd lived. She'd started SHIELD, he knew that much, and he knew she'd probably gotten married and had a great life.
Steve hadn't been paying attention to where they were, so he was startled when they pulled into a parking lot and Eleanore stopped the car. He looked out the window at an abandoned factory, their car the only one in the place. Instead of asking questions, Steve threw open the door and stalked into the rain. He walked to the other side of the lot where a stand of trees grew. He stood just out of reach of their sheltering leaves and looked up at the sky. He was at a loss for what to do, now that the cool air was saturating his lungs and the raindrops were pelting his face. These factors brought back the reality of his situation even more harshly, and Steve knelt to the ground, knees soaking, hands clasped together as though in prayer. He felt warm water join the cold streaming down his cheeks.
Steve heard footsteps approaching, and he quickly wiped his eyes. "I'm fine," he called over his shoulder, sniffing. "I don't get colds anymore."
"I know that," Eleanore said from beside him. Steve felt her kneel and place a hand on his shoulder. She was cold already, her hand barely warmer than the air as she turned Steve to face her. "Here," she said, and pulled him into a hug.
Steve had gone for what seemed a long time without physical contact. Since Bucky had died, the closest he'd been to another person was when he'd kissed Peggy before jumping onto the Red Skull's plane. The shock of Eleanore's embrace coupled with his despair left him frozen once more, uncertain of how to move or what to do. She had her left arm under his right one, and her right over his left, her hand holding the back of his head gently, a bit like his mother used to. She didn't say anything, just holding him as the rain poured over them both.
Gradually, Steve thawed. He let his head hang until his mouth met her shoulder, and relaxed into her arms, pulling his own around her to hold them both upright. Then he just let go, feeling the anger with SHIELD's fuck-ups, his frustration with modern technology, and his sadness for his lost love and friends overwhelm him at last. He sobbed, which was something he hadn't even done in front of people when Bucky died, deep and guttural and raw, feeling them scrape from his heart to his throat. He held Eleanore as close as he dared, still conscious enough to avoid crushing her, and she hugged him as tightly as she could, one hand holding the back of his neck while her thumb moved in slow circles.
He'd always had a purpose— something tying him to the world, something to move toward, something to seek. From just surviving his childhood to becoming a soldier, Steve had developed goals throughout his life. His mother had taught him to keep something in mind for when nothing else seemed to matter, and he'd kept her words in his memory even after she'd passed away. The death of his best friend had not even affected him this way, instead moving him into a new conviction: that Hydra must be stopped at all costs.
Why am I even alive? he thought, the question repeating itself in his mind over and over until it became a mantra. Why, why, why? He knew he was outdated, and that there was no real use for him except possibly as a captain in the real army, fighting over oil in the Middle East (he had heard about that). He never wanted to fight corporate battles, though, and he wouldn't be rejoining anytime soon. SHIELD seemed to have plans for him, but what could they do with a washed up and long-surpassed experiment from the 1940's? I never even stopped all the atrocities of the War. Even then I was just one man against Hydra, Stalin, the Nazis... Now I'm one man out of place in this world. He didn't even know what to feel because everything around him was too much and not enough at once.
"Why?" he whispered aloud, and the word was muffled into Eleanore's coat. He instantly regretted it, and hoped she hadn't heard. When did I become this weak?
She replied, even so. "It's okay," she said softly, repeating it. "It's okay… It's okay… It'll be okay."
Steve sighed through his emotions, "How do you know that?" He felt like a child, lost in a too-large world that didn't care about him, and he was uncomfortable and lonely and afraid. No one knew Captain America got scared, but Steve did. He felt unworthy of his title, and he didn't want it anymore… He just wanted to go back- he'd do anything... but he couldn't. He stayed as he was instead, and Eleanore hugged him a bit tighter.
"I don't know…" she trailed off. Steve thought she was finished, but then, "I guess because you came back now. I know you don't know what's all going on in the world yet, but it's crazy. It's just as screwed up as your time was, if not more, and the government is part of the problem, and people are questioning everything they grew up believing." She scoffed, "It's like the world got turned upside down, or… something. Maybe I'm just growing up." She sighed, resting her cheek on Steve's shoulder for a moment before lifting her head again. "But you know, you're here at this time. And even with all the terrible things going on, you're giving people hope just like you did in the War. I know it's too much to put on your shoulders, and I know that you've sacrificed more than enough for everyone. But I believe everything happens for a reason. Even if you feel like there's no reason or meaning, it will all work out in the end." She fell silent, and the rain filled up the space her words had occupied.
Steve didn't say anything, instead pondering and processing what she'd just said. They stayed knelt together for a long while, Steve's sniffing and the raindrops as the only sound around them.