Rayna put her mic back on the stand and turned around to face her band. She had a big smile on her face. "That was awesome, y'all," she said. She let out a deep breath. "We leave tomorrow, headed for Charlotte, North Carolina. It's been a long time for me and I am really ready to get back out there on the road. Thank y'all for hanging in there and waiting for me." She turned slightly to nod at Deacon. "And thanks to Deacon for coming back when we needed him." She breathed in, just taking in the moment, and then smiled again. "Great rehearsal! I'll see y'all tomorrow to get on the buses!" She clapped and the rest of the band joined in.

As they dispersed, she hesitated just a moment. She bit her lip lightly, then said, "Deacon? Can I talk to you a sec?"

He'd been putting his guitar away and he turned back to face her. "Sure. What's up?"

She watched as the rest of the band picked up their things and started to head out. Deacon had taken a couple steps towards her, but then stopped and looked at everyone leaving. When everyone was gone, he turned back at her with a puzzled look on his face. "I, well, I just wanted to let you know, um, you know, that I appreciate you stepping in like this," she said, her face getting a little red.

He nodded. "No problem, Rayna. Thank you for the opportunity."

She swallowed. "I know I said a lot of hurtful things to you, back then," she said, and then she looked away for a moment.

He took another couple steps closer. "It's okay, Ray. I get it," he said, his voice quiet.

She looked back at him. "I told Bucky this wouldn't work, that we couldn't do this." She gave him a tiny smile. "But so far, it has. And I appreciate you being respectful, um, of the boundaries."

He didn't say anything, just nodded.

She was very conscious of the fact that her knees were shaking just a little, that her stomach was quivering a little with butterflies, the way she always felt when he was around these days. Teddy had made her get a babysitter for Maddie while she was at rehearsal, but she'd brought her today. Maddie was going on tour with her and there just wasn't any way for her to avoid Deacon seeing her. She had wondered if he might have thought Maddie was his, but he hadn't given any indication of that, so she'd decided to take a chance. "So," she said finally. "I brought Maddie today. Would you like to meet her?"

He looked a little surprised, then his face softened with a little smile. "I'd love to," he said.

As they walked off the rehearsal stage, she was conscious of him following her, not exactly beside her, but just off her right side. She could hardly breathe as she considered the potential consequences. What if he notices she's got his hair? What if he sees how much she looks like him? What if he figures out that somehow we were together at the right time? She felt like she was going to throw up and took a deep breath. She felt her palms sweating and she rubbed them on her jeans.

When they got to the door of the office, she stopped and turned to him. "She might be sleeping, so…." She held a finger up to her lips and he nodded. "And her babysitter is with her." She turned back to the door and opened it slowly. Deacon followed her in as she walked over to the pack-and-play. Mia looked up as they walked in. "Mia, this is Deacon Claybourne," she said, glancing over at him. "He's in my band, and…an old friend."

"Hi," Mia said, shyly. Deacon just nodded in her direction before turning back to look at Rayna.

Rayna leaned over and saw that Maddie was awake. "Hey, sweet girl," she cooed. Maddie smiled and kicked her legs. Rayna picked her up and held her on her hip, turning to face Deacon. She swallowed hard, but she felt like she had a lump in her throat. "Deacon, this is Maddie," she said, her voice cracking just a little.

Maddie stared at Deacon, her little face solemn, in that way that Deacon's was when he was considering something. She had the faintest little furrow between her almost non-existent brows, just like Deacon, her tiny fingers in her mouth. Rayna prayed he wouldn't see those things. She watched him as he looked at Maddie, waiting for him to say something. After what seemed liked hours, but was probably just seconds, he smiled just a little, his eyes crinkling. "She's beautiful, Rayna," he almost whispered. "I can see you in her."

She took a deep breath. "I actually think she looks like her father," she said. If only he knew.

The smile left his face. "I guess," he said as he looked back at her. "She's got your eyes though." He took a step closer and focused back on Maddie. "Hey, Maddie," he said, with a genuine smile. "I'm Deacon."

Surprisingly Maddie reached out her hand out towards him. Rayna's eyes widened. "Usually she's afraid of new people," she said. Maddie made a little noise as she continued to reach out towards Deacon. "Would you like to hold her?" she asked.

Deacon worked his lip a minute, then nodded. "Okay," he said. Rayna took the couple steps towards him and handed Maddie to him. He fitted her bottom into the crook of his arm and then moved his other hand to steady her. She looked up at him solemnly for a moment, as he looked down at her.

Rayna felt like her heart had stopped beating. Seeing Deacon hold his daughter for the first time nearly tore her in two. She wanted to tell him so badly and hated that she could not. She just watched as the two of them looked at each other and then, suddenly, Maddie made another noise and actually smiled at Deacon. She couldn't keep the tears from clouding her eyes. Deacon looked at her and she smiled. "I think she likes you," she choked out, trying to blink the tears away.

He grinned. "That's a good thing, right?" he asked.

She nodded. "Yeah, it's a very good thing."

As Rayna drove home, she listened to Maddie making little noises in the back seat. Although she had been nervous about Deacon being around her daughter, she'd been relieved at how well it had gone. He hadn't acted as though anything were out of the ordinary and she knew, if he had, he'd have said something. Maddie had seemed entranced by him, almost as though she knew there was a biological connection.

She knew Teddy would be angry when she told him – and she would tell him – but it was going to be a fact of life once they went out on tour. Of course, his reaction would be that she shouldn't have hired Deacon in the first place, something he'd said in some manner every day since she'd done it. But she couldn't ignore him. And she did need him, that much she knew now. As anxious as she'd been about bringing him back to her band, it had given her a sense of comfort to have him there.

They were still feeling their way with each other. It wasn't the same as it was before and she avoided spending much time with him alone. She also avoided looking him in the eye for long, because she could see everything he felt there, and she knew he still loved her. She didn't want to still love him, but the minute she'd seen him, she'd known that was a lost cause, and so she worried that he could see that in her own eyes. Even if there had been no Maddie, her heart was still entwined with his and she wasn't sure exactly how to get past that. She loved Teddy – truly she did – but Deacon was in her blood.

After Deacon had given Maddie back to her and walked out, almost abruptly, she'd struggled to regain her composure. She had paced the room, holding her daughter against her chest. She felt the tears she'd held in as she'd watched Deacon hold their daughter slide down her cheeks now. She never forgot, every time she held Maddie or watched her, that she and Deacon had made her. She closed her eyes, squeezed them shut, and thought, once again, about how much she wished she and Deacon could have made a home and a family for their daughter. She knew that no matter how good a father Teddy was and how attentive he was and how well he provided for them, it would never be the dream she'd had for eleven years. That dream that she and Deacon would make a life together, loving each other and their family, making music, forever.

~nashville~

Deacon drove into the Sound Check parking lot like he had every day for the last two and a half weeks. He got out of his truck and pulled out his guitar case and messenger bag and then locked up, heading into the building for rehearsal. On this day, like every day for the last two and a half weeks, it had felt a little like déjà vu, and then he'd remember he wasn't with Rayna anymore. At least not with her in the romantic sense. They were coworkers or, more accurately, she was his boss. She'd been the boss for a while, of course, at least professionally, ever since the subtle shift they'd made some seven years ago or so to her being a solo artist.

That had been tough, in the beginning. Even though they'd both been on their own when they met, they'd become more of a duo when they started performing together. The songs they wrote were for them to sing together and he always stood beside her on stage. But when they started getting some notice by smaller labels in town, the A&R guys were just interested in her. In some ways he understood that – she definitely had star power – but it also had to do with sex appeal, something that got under his skin.

To be fair, it had been tough on both of them. She had resisted, at first, but the reality was that she was the one they wanted to give a record deal to. They both made peace with that, but it had taken him longer. He hadn't told her that, of course, because he supported her completely. He'd recorded an album of his own then, but it had gone nowhere. Eventually he'd come to terms with it and they had continued to write and perform together, even though he was her bandleader rather than a duo partner. They still wrote songs for themselves to sing, however, and it was always obvious how close to the heart they wrote.

He wasn't sure, though, how long it would take to get used to this new normal. Or if he could get used to it. Rayna was skittish around him, not at all comfortable. Not that he was either. He couldn't get used to seeing that ring on her finger, or knowing she was a mama. It all seemed wrong somehow. When he stood behind her on stage, though, he could pretend nothing had changed. She seemed a little more relaxed around him then and it seemed more like what he remembered.

Watching her leave each night, that was what killed him. He wondered if he'd ever get used to her going home to someone else, having a life and a home with somebody who wasn't him.

He was a little nervous about how things would be on the tour. They were leaving the next day. It was one thing to come to rehearsal each day, it would be another to be out on the road. He would be in a different bus, of course, so not around her all the time, but she'd be out there without her husband. It was common for her to mingle with the band on tour and he wondered if that would be different. He thought it probably would, since she'd be bringing her baby with her.

Maddie. He hadn't seen her yet. Rayna hadn't brought her to rehearsals. He didn't know why, but every time he thought about Rayna and her baby girl it made his heart hurt and he felt like crying. He supposed it was that he always thought they would do that together. They'd talked about marriage and a family many times, but it had never happened. He knew it was because of his drinking. She didn't want to have a family until he could get that under control. He had thought she'd always wait for him, but she hadn't, and she'd gone on to do those things with someone else. He felt an odd mix of sadness and anger, when he considered that.

He tried not to dwell too much on things he couldn't change. It had felt good being back in her band, working with people he was comfortable with. He was still going to meetings every day. He needed that more than ever now, because being around her was hard. He was also glad to be back because he enjoyed making music with her. There was no one he'd rather make music with, that was still true. But he went home every day fighting his desire to drink. He missed her. He still loved her, that was still true.

He was packing up his guitar when she called out to him. "Deacon? Can I talk to you a sec?"

That was nothing new. They talked enough, but it was always about the set list or an arrangement or where he stood on the stage relative to her. They hadn't talked about anything else, really, since the day she'd hired him. And she always made sure the two of them weren't alone with each other. He turned back towards her. "Sure. What's up?"

He'd been surprised when she told him she'd brought Maddie with her and that she wanted him to meet her. He hadn't had a lot of experience with babies, just Scarlett when she'd been tiny. But Maddie seemed to gravitate to him, something that had both warmed his heart and squeezed it at the same time. Rayna said she looked like Teddy, but he thought she looked like her mama. She had Teddy's hair color, true, but she had Rayna's eyes. And that determined look on her face, just like Rayna. He'd found it hard to breathe, as he thought about how it could have been them doing this, raising this little girl together.

Maddie felt comfortable in his arms. She looked up at him and then she smiled, a little bubble of drool sliding down her chin. He ran his fingers lightly over her arm as he held her. He looked at Rayna and thought she looked like she was going to cry.

"I think she likes you," she said, her voice catching, her smile tremulous.

He took a deep breath. "That's a good thing, right?" he asked, forcing a smile on his face.

She nodded. "Yeah, it's a very good thing."

He bit down on his lip and then looked back at Maddie, who was still smiling up at him. He looked again at Rayna. "Are you happy, Ray?" he asked, suddenly really wanting to know. Needing to know.

She looked a little puzzled, then smiled, a little sadly he thought. "Yeah," she said, a tinge of regret in her voice, it sounded like to him. "I am happy." She took a deep breath. "I hope you will be too, Deacon."

He nodded. His heart hurt. He looked back at Maddie again and then he gave her back to Rayna. "She's a lucky girl," he said. "To have you for her mama." He took a couple steps back. "I'll see you tomorrow." And then he turned and walked out the door, the tears rimming his eyes.

He sat in his truck in front of his house. He took a few deep breaths, trying to quiet his racing heart. He looked up at the little stone bungalow. It had been their house once. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the seat. He had a hard time remembering a lot of things that happened towards the end, but he did remember coming home after checking himself out of rehab the fourth time. When he walked in the house, it had felt empty, although there was still furniture in it. But as he walked around he realized all of her things were gone. Her clothes were gone from the closet and the chest in the bedroom. Her makeup and shampoo and toiletries were gone from the bathroom. The tea set she'd put in the little dining room. The guitar her mama had given her. All gone.

He'd left the house, angry and hurt. He'd driven to the cabin, where he still had a stash of whiskey. And when he'd come to, he'd been in the middle of a disaster, both physical and mental. He'd trashed the cabin, but more than that, he'd trashed his life. He hadn't wanted to go to rehab the fifth time, but he'd done it for her. He'd done the work and struggled to find a way to make this time successful. But he was doing it for her. She'd always been in his thoughts. Hers was the face he saw whenever he felt like he couldn't go on. And while he hadn't necessarily expected her to be there the day he got out, he hadn't really been prepared for the fact that she'd gotten married and had a baby.

His memories were jumbled back then, and still were, so he couldn't account for the timing of all that, and he wasn't sure he had any of the events in the right order. He knew she'd started dating Teddy after she'd broken up with him, but he hadn't thought it was serious, since she still hadn't taken everything out of the house then. In fact, he thought she was doing it to show him she could move on. He knew, from the date, that she'd gotten married before he went to rehab the last time, but he couldn't remember if he'd known that then. When Cole told him she'd had her baby just a few days before he'd gotten out of rehab, he'd tried counting back to when she would have gotten pregnant. But he knew he couldn't have been the father. It had been too long since they'd been together, but he also knew she'd never not tell him. It still hurt that she'd turned to someone else. That she'd let someone else give her that family life she'd always wanted.

He opened his eyes and looked back at the house. He couldn't go in there right then. He started his truck and pulled away from the curb, heading down the street.

The meeting was almost over when Cole slipped in and sat down beside him. Deacon turned and gave him a quick nod. Cole gave him a quick pat on the knee and sat back in his chair. Deacon breathed in deeply, grateful that his sponsor had gotten his message. After he'd sat outside the old bar where he used to drink until he passed out, for over an hour, he'd gone to a pay phone and called Cole. He got his sponsor's answering machine and left a message as to where he'd be, hoping he'd get it and make it in time.

When the meeting was over, Cole looked over at him. "Glad you called," he said, then gave him a lopsided smile. "You really need to get a cell phone though."

Deacon frowned. "I don't need no fancy gadgets. Land line works just fine."

Cole breathed in, putting both hands on his knees. "You wanna go get coffee?" he asked.

Deacon nodded. "Yeah."

Once they were settled into a booth in a non-descript diner, with coffee in hand, Cole started the conversation. "So tell me what's going on, Deacon," he asked.

Deacon worked his lip for a moment, then took a sip of his coffee, giving himself time. Finally he breathed out and said, "I went and sat in front of a bar tonight." He rubbed his face. "You were right. It's gonna be hard. It is hard." He hesitated a moment. "She brought Maddie today. Kinda makes it real, you know?"

Cole nodded thoughtfully. "That would do it."

Deacon shook his head. "Look, I knew when I went back she was married and all. It ain't that I don't get that. But, you know…I thought she'd wait for me." He sighed. "I really thought she'd wait for me."

Cole rubbed his thumbs on his coffee cup. "Why did you think drinking was gonna fix that?" he asked, ignoring Deacon's comment.

Deacon shrugged. "Habit, I guess." He looked up at his sponsor. "But I didn't go in. I didn't drink. I gotta make this work."

"Don't do this for Rayna, Deacon," Cole said, a sad look in his eyes. "You gotta do this for you."

Deacon looked out the window. "I know." He looked back at Cole. "It ain't easy though. It ain't gonna be easy."

"Working with her is gonna make it harder, you know that. Your recovery is more important than you being in her life, Deacon."

Deacon frowned. "It ain't just about being in her life."

Cole raised his eyebrows. "Isn't it? Isn't that why you took this job?" Deacon looked away again. "I know you needed a job, Deacon, but you could have done something else. You wanted this. You want to be back in her life. You want her back in yours. And it's just not gonna happen. She's married."

Deacon slammed the coffee mug on the table and glared at Cole. "I get it," he said, his jaw tight, his voice angry. "I know she went off and married Teddy Conrad. And had a baby. I get it. I know that's what she wanted. She just didn't want it with me." His voice trailed off, more sad than angry.

Cole sat silently for a moment. When he started talking, his voice was low. "This is for the best, Deacon, her moving on. I know it hurt, but the two of you were toxic together." He put his hand up as Deacon seemed to be ready to contradict him. "I know you loved her. She loved you too. But look at all the pain, all the hurt. And all the times you told her you were gonna do this and you couldn't." Deacon looked down at his hands, chewing on his lip. "If you're determined to do this, work with her, you gotta figure out how to do it without crossing that line. She's moved on. It's time for you to do the same."

Deacon felt a pain in his chest and he looked at Cole sadly. "She's my family, Cole. Always has been. I don't know what to do if I'm not doing this."

Cole sighed. "Is all the booze gone?" Deacon nodded. "You're sure?"

"Yeah. Y'all found it all. It's gone."

Cole reached out and patted Deacon's hand. "Stay strong. Go to your meetings. Call me when you need me. If it gets tough, come home. This is your last chance, Deke. If you can't make it this time, I don't think you're gonna make it at all."

Deacon looked at him, understanding what he meant. "I know. I'm gonna do it," he said, quietly.

When he got home, he walked through the house and out the back door. Without pausing at all, he walked straight out to the shed at the back of the property. He opened the door and headed straight for a bookcase against the back wall, pulling it back. He felt along the drywall carefully and then punched through it with his fist. His knuckles stung from the impact and he shook his hand gingerly, stretching his fingers. Then he took a deep breath and reached down behind the wall until his fingers wrapped around the neck of the whiskey bottle he'd hidden there and then drywalled over.

He pulled it out and looked at it. It was unopened. He took a deep breath and ran his tongue over his lips. He could taste it. He could feel it burn as it trailed down his throat. He could feel the warmth of it in his stomach. He swallowed hard.

He took the bottle back outside and shut the shed door. He went and sat on his back step and held the bottle, turning it around in his hands. The porch light made the caramel colored liquid look warm and inviting. He breathed in again and then he quickly twisted the cap off the bottle, breaking the seal. He held the opened bottle to his nose and breathed in. His eyes watered a little at the strong odor. He could even taste it again in his mouth, swallowing over the metallic afterburn.

Then he held the bottle out, his arm straight, turned it over, and poured it into the grass. He was surprised at the emotion he felt, getting rid of that last bottle, that last temptation, the one he'd known was still there. He knew he was still weak, but he felt strong as he watched the liquid rush out of the bottle until it was empty. Then he held the bottle between his knees and leaned back against the door, his eyes closed, just breathing in and out.

When he felt his racing heartbeat slow and felt himself begin to calm down and as the desire for a drink began to subside, he opened his eyes, stood up and tossed the empty bottle in the trash. Then he walked back into his house.

I got sober for Rayna. I'm gonna stay sober for Rayna.